Fear

This is the discription of a wonderful caring mother. Sorry, but it can be painful. Many of us do understand!

I am just speaking from my own experience, no judgements about your situation. I have had an increasing sense of fear over the years and with a new child in my life it just doubled that fear. There is definitely a balance point and the only way I was able to figure things out was to see a counselor. I had one tell me I should have anxiety meds and then I tried one through group health that has been so great. No meds necessary, just help redirecting my thoughts. My understanding is fear - in whatever capacity - can lead to wanting to control the very things we really don't have much control over. so we either tire ourselves out with worry/anxiety trying to control things or we take a breath (or two or three) and trust that life is better for everyone if we can let go of the fear.

Hi Lynne, To some degree it is normal to worry about your children and yes, love them so much it hurts, but it sounds as though you are worrying excessively and thus may have a touch of postpartum anxiety. This is as common as postpartum depression... I suggest you relay your fears and concerns to your doctor and see what he/she thinks.

Zoloft is a wonderful drug. Any SSRIs are life savers for me, as I struggle with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I catastrophize everything. Got a cut? It'll get MRSA. Trip to the grocery store? I can already read the headlines of the deadly accident, or the gunman that open fires at the coffee shop.

Ask your doctor about SSRIs. You sound a lot like me. They help me separate the thought from reality, and put thoughts away rather than spinning them in my head over and over again.

I really liked the resources Rebecca suggested and Deb's thoughts regarding anxiety. The only other thing thing I would suggest is to add counseling to the mix. Often our anxiety is based in other parts of our life and consciousness, and finding balance in one's whole life helps. Anxiety around our children's welfare can be a great substitute for other less-defined uncertainties in life. Your doctor can help you figure this out, but any anti-anxiety meds will be less effective in the long term without this second piece that a good counselor can bring. Fear and anxiety make life too, too hard for us as mothers...so good that you are taking care of yourself, and by doing so, taking care of your family. My best to you!

Hi Lynne. I think it's pretty normal for moms to worry over their children. But if the fear is interfering with your life, or if other people in your life are starting to get concerned about you, then consider talking to a doctor. I'm not the kind of person who automatically jumps straight to 'mental illness' though. I think that all kinds of physical, environmental, etc... influences can be part of the problem too. For example, hormone levels can play a part in anxiety. Food allergies/ intolerance can play havoc on emotions. Also, from a personal stand point... too much TV (news reports on the 'dangers' of modern society, Lifetime movies about abduction, etc...) always raises my own level of anxiety :) Finally, I would question (with three young children at home) whether you are doing enough to take care of yourself? How is your sleep? Do you get enough healthy foods to eat? How's your exercise? As moms, we parent better if we care for ourselves first.

I can certainly relate. I have dealt with a lot of loss in my life, so feel a bit better prepared for the loss of my loved ones than I once was. However, when it comes to my child, I just can't bare to think of not having him. When I read tragic stories about children, it affects me in a much more personal way now that I have a child.

I have realized that one of my biggest lessons as a parent is to learn my life skills in a whole new way. For example, I now have to learn how to trust others in an entirely different way. Will they take care of my child? Will they feed him the way I have asked? Will they be safe if they are driving him? It's absolutely mind boggling and frightening to think of all the possibilities something can happen and yet I just need to let go and trust. Trust that everything will be fine and if something does happen, I will be able to handle it. I take solace in the fact that I am teaching my son values that I think will help him in difficult situations and am making the best decisions I can for him, but all the rest is out of my hands. Then, there are some days I get caught up in the details. Why did you put him in that jacket? Those are the days I have the greatest opportunity for growth and letting go.

Gavin DeBecker has some great books on instincts and information on how to keep you and your children safe. It has helped me to read his books to see how I can prevent my child from being a victim of a predator and to read about the dark things that do happen to children, so I can be educated about them and not fear them.

The Family Virtues Guide is also fabulous for discussing family values with your children.

Fear is not healthy and you can put it on your children without you knowing it. There is several places you can go to get rid of the fear. There are a lot of good therapists and other places. I have names and phone numbers of several people that can help. Let me know if you are interested.

I had a lot of fear - now I am fear free and it is so wonderful - like having a new life.

N.
Wellness Coach

It sounds like you might have a problem with anxiety. It is not normal to live in fear that something will happen to a child. They must learn to take care of themselves and be independant.
There are many resources available. You could try your church, the school district, or your doctor's office.
Learn to enjoy your children and the wonderful things that they are doing!
Good luck!

Lynne-

Today I am a parent coach, but for many years I was a nanny, and very protective of the children in my care. I felt honored families trusted me, and I did my best to earn that trust. So I understand being aware of dangers and doing your best to protect them.

I am also very well read about psychology, and would like to provide you with a little information. When a fear starts to take over your life, it's time to talk to a professional. It's always best to get help when it's needed.

As for your fears, all you can do is do your best to prepare. Since you don't have a car, talk to a friend/neighbor about helping you if an emergency should occur or have a jar for cab fare, just in case.

Walk through your house and make sure it's safe for your walkers. Crawl on the floor and look at your house from your child's eyes. Research baby "proofing" recommendations for your home. Safety First or One Step Ahead are great places to start.

http://www.safety1st.com/usa/eng/
http://www.leapsandbounds.com/home.jsp?siteId=117

Lastly, I am teaching a class at Garden Home Rec Center several times next year specifically regarding keeping your children safe while out & about called Beyond Stranger Danger.

http://www.thprd.org/activities/classsearchresultsnew.cfm...

If you are not intersted in the class, the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children also have great information about keeping kids safe.

http://www.missingkids.com/missingkids/servlet/PublicHome...

While being a parent means you will be fearful for their safety, it shouldn't take over your life. Enjoy your children!

R. Magby

If it is bad enough to interfere with your daily life, you should definitely speak to your doctor or a mental health professional.

On the other hand I would also be care not to fall into the medicalizaton trap. Nowadays pharmaceutical companies have come up with so many "wonderful" drugs, that make us feel so happy, they have started making up diseases that did not use to exist. Some level of fear and caution is perfectly normal. Worrying about your children is perfectly normal. I worry about my daughter all them time: is she warm enough (or too warm), when she climbs on the slide I worry that she might fall, I still have the baby monitor on in her room because I have a fear of someone breaking in and stealing her at night - totally irrational (well maybe not, we live in a not-so-nice neighborhood) but normal!

One of the reasons why mankind has been so successful as a species, is that we take great care to raise our young. Your dad is perfectly right, human babies/children are incredibly immature and have very weak instincts to boost, compared with offspring of other species, and the first few years are spent by their parents trying to keep them form harm. We used to have a much higher birth rate as well, because it was simply a matter of fact, that only a few children of any given family survived (the elements, diseases, accidents...) but now we put all of our genetic eggs, so to say, in a few baskets ... it might not be a conscious thought, but I do truly believe that this does subconsciously raise the pressure to raise our kids "successfully" in every possible way (beyond survival).

I am a mother of four, ages 25, 14, 10, and 7. I also experienced many of the same fears as you. I was releived of my fears when I changed my diet. Yes, my diet. The common tea drink has some ingredient in it that causes anxiety and fear for some people. Although I did not believe this might be the cause, I tried it anyway. Amazing! No more fear. Now I am free to enjoy the many blessings of being a mother.

Every parent has these feelings to varied degrees. If these fears and worries are overwhelming, then you might want to take a look at them. I work with trauma survivors, people with anxiety issues and people who have difficulty concentrating. I promise miracles in minutes without drugs or therapy. I would be happy to share my work with you. e-mail me if you are interested.

Hi Lynne,

This sounds like mild obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) thinking. I've had it and so have others I know, and when I talked to a psychiatrist she explained it. In my case it was stress and depression induced. I had a fear of driving that was getting mildly worse with time. If you can see a mental health professional and explain your feelings, it should help you get a plan to help you cope with your fears and stress. It is stressful to have 3 kids and work any-time, no matter how easy your kids are.

best wishes.

I totally understand. My kids are older now and a little more independant so it has subsided a little... I know they know what to do in certian situations to keep themselves safe. Watch for cars, listen to the "gut", stay away from dangerous situations, etc.
But... when my son (my only bio) was born, I went through exactly what you are describing for the first 4-5 years. Everything he did, I litterally pictured turning out the worse possible way... especially if I wasn't going to be there. Field trips with preschool, vacations with his dad (we were seperated), etc. just killed me. I would cry over just the thought of something happening.
All I can say is, it's normal, and it does get better. I was told that it was a form of post pardom depression... you might look into that if it's something that is really interfering in your life. It's easy to wrap your kids in a protective bubble and not realize it, but they need to be able to go play, without mom standing over them with the phone ready to call 911! Before we know it, they have bigger issues... they don't know how to relate to other kids, are afraid to leave our side because they haven't been able to, etc.
Now, I can honestly say, the only thing that bothers me is my son around water when I am not there... and sometimes even if I am. Unfortunately, he has this fear and I believe it is because I have been too protective in that area. But, having almost drown in a river myself when he was a month old, I constantly dream of him drowning... that one, I can't help.

Fear is natural and I would never tell anyone to do everything you can to get rid of it. There is a reason why we are equipped with this thing called "fear" and i do believe it is tied to our intuition. However, I would suggest turning your focus to WHAT IS SAFE in you and your children's life. And begin to shift your focus and your thoughts in a direction of what you DO want to bring into your children's life. If you want safety for them, begin to notice all the ways in which they are safe and affirm all the ways in which you do what you can to keep them safe. Do this every time a fearful thought comes into play. Why is this important you may ask? Well i personally believe in law of attraction and the more you focus on something, the more you will draw it to you. It's an empowering belief (law of attraction) and can really help you feel like you are in control and not a victim of circumstances. Also, something a mother on here said to me when I was experiencing these feelings after I had my baby was to "create a wall so to speak around you and your family". This has helped me immensely as I do believe in energies and auras and such. Whether you believe in them or not, perhaps you may want to try this exercise:

When a fearful thought comes into your head about one of your children imagine a blue (or whatever color you feel is protective) shield surrounding them. Perhaps you imagine your son with this shield surrounding him as he is walking home from the bus stop. Or at night if you get fearful thoughts you may imagine a shield around your entire house and all your cars and every child...even yourself. I also ask all my angels and my children's angels to protect our family.

This exercise feels so good and cleansing and I often do it at night when my fears seem the most heightened.

One other thing is to take action. This may include taking your son to a martial arts defense class for children so you know he has the tools to protect himself.

And another thing you can begin doing is really practicing with your children how to use their intuition to know when something doesn't feel quite right. Where do they feel it in their body? Typically if something doesnt feel right, we will each feel it in our body in the same place each time (my place might be different from your place). And also when something feels good check in with your children and ask "where do you feel this goodness in your body?" If the good is in their chest and the bad is in their belly then continue to check in with them about this and remind them to not tune out these physical responses. Also, you may want to ask yourself these same questions and an extra one as well "where do i feel fear that is worry more than true fear in my body?" "where do i feel true intuitional fear?" the first response that pops into your head or body is the right one and perhaps worry and intuition reside in different parts of your body and if so, then you can begin to check in when you become fearful..."where is this in my body?" and that is how you can know "oh THIS is my worrying" or "oh this is truly something I need to pay attention to."

By using your mind to focus on what you DO want (safety, protection), energetically calling on angels and creating protective shields, taking action and ensuring your children have tools to protect themselves, and to start at home by teaching your children how to tune into and listen to their intuition, you can begin to empower yourself and your family.

Keep well!

My best advice is that sometimes these things happen (sometimes) so be careful what you attract to yourself and your family...think positive and it will be okay...you need to make your mind stronger...it will be okay...do you have God in your life? Pray, and all will be well.