Father's Day Woes

Single mom or not.....that sounds like one of the many annoying things mothers in law do! My MIL imposed herself on my mother's day. I'm still not happy about that one.

Yes, it's annoying. Keep in ind that for those of us with a father or FIL still around, it's still a day of sharing it with ALL the dads. My father and step father are dead, but we will be spending dinnertime at my SILs who is having a cook out for their dad and her FIL. It's always a compromise. I think you'd better get used to it, or risk being labeled as selfish and snotty! Have a great day.

I agree. thats annoying. And intrusive.

Before even reading the second part I could gather that she was alone- no kidding who could put up with that. Your husband needs to set boundries for his mother and not make you feel like the third wheel in your family. Your marriage is a union between your husband and you not and your mother law. I don't know how you've been this nice about it for this long. If you have never said anything to your husband he probably will be surprised. I think as long as no one complains about something men generally see nothing wrong. Tell him She is to call before she comes over that she is not to invite herself along if he can't respect that then remeber 1/2 of that house is yours make sure your half includes the front door which I would keep her on the other side of. Your husband owes her nothing big deal she raised her own kid isn't that what a parent does.

In my family we usually do something with our Dad then all get together for a lunch or dinner BBQ of vice versa. What you need to do next time is take control and let your MIL know what your plans are i.e. MIL, babies and I are taking Dad to breakfast, but we would like for you to joing us for a BBQ at 5 at our house...or something to that affect, that way you're being courteous BUT taking control. Another thing is to dedicate the day before to your husband alone! My bf is spending today with his father and his kids and tomorrow I will see him in the morning, spend time with my own father then we regroup. hope this helps.

Hi,
Unfortunately it sounds like your husband may be a bit of a mama's boy. He is the one who should be man enough to tell his mom that she is welcomed to meet him and your family for breakfast, but that he has plans as a new Dad with his new family for the day and dinner. Its sad if he won't stand up to her. I would not make this an issue tomorrow on Father's Day so as not to cause upset with him on his day, but you need to get him to man-up and tell Mom that he has plans on future upcoming holidays ie July 4th. Suggest she get together with her friends next holiday. THen make plans with your husband and kids, you may even want to consider a weekend trip somewhere with only your new family. She will get the hint hopefully if he stands up to her.

yes its irritating....

Next, your Hubby AND you... have to, now and in the future, DESIGNATE how YOUR family will celebrate things and what your OWN "traditions" will be.
AND then, you or Hubby, has to just tell MIL.
Period.
Of course in a diplomatic way.

She probably is just an overbearing person.
So well, you then have to have boundaries and your OWN traditions about things... otherwise, she will CONTINUE to "control" your own nuclear family and your own outings/occasions/celebrations/socials etc.

Next, your Husband has to realize that Mommy can't just join in on everything.

Next, how about your birth plans for your upcoming baby?
I HOPE you are designating who will be allowed at your birth, and who will not. Certainly your own husband and/or Mom, is someone YOU would want there.
I would, strongly advise you to "PLAN" this now. So your Husband knows darn well, what your and his, plans are for the birth... and afterward... that MIL will or will not be allowed to just bunk in and invite herself over to your home... after you come home with baby.
I am sure, you'd want your own Mom there too. Or just you and Hubby to have your own family... and baby to adjust too.

I had a similar problem when I had my 1st child... only it was my sister that behaved that way. Once, I had to even give her a WRITTEN sheet on "rules" and what she can or cannot do. That is the only way, she would 'respect' my and my Husband's wishes.
She thought, she could just come and go as she wished and commandeer every little thing in my own nuclear family.

all the best,
Susan

Wow, "He didn't ask to be here!" Whew, that's kinda cold. You want your kids to think that way when they grow up?

Aside from that, perhaps in your family it was done one way. Most families I know have one big together one or more than one little ones. You and your husband can choose which time or day is your little family's time. She can join you -- and perhaps any other family members -- another time day in that weekend.

I don't care for her acting like she is owed like that. My philosophy is that when an in-law is acting inappropriately, the blood relative is supposed to get up the guts to handle it by speaking to her in a nice way and drawing boundary lines. Same way with your side. You get a complaint or see a problem, and you try to take care of it without naming names.

Maybe being a single mom raising him she is now proud that he is a great father and wants to celebrate with him? Not trying to be rude, just trying to see a different point of view? In my family we celebrate father's day with all the father's, but if thats not for you you're going to have to tell her you wanted it just for yourselves.

One day she'll be gone and you can have him all to yourself! I too have come to realize this. If you change your attitude, then your opinion may change too. Your husband probably loves his mom very much and doesn't want to hurt her feelings and he probably doesn't mind either that she's around so much.

Is the Father-in-Law also coming too or just MIL, if the Father-in-Law is no longer in the picture due to death or divorce it may just be that Father's Day is tough for her and wants to spend with family since she no longer celebrates it with the father of her child(ren). It also could be that she is joyful for her son that has a family and would like to be included in celebrating his fatherhood. Yes it is nice to have just you, hubby and child(ren) to celebrate BUT I would be clear that breakfast & morning is our special family time but afternoon she can come over for some celebrating and dinner. Have hubby tell his mom she is more then welcome to come over afternoon/dinner but that breakfast is just your little fam time. Much better for him to talk to her.

After church we (hubby, daughter & I) are getting together for lunch and miniature golf with hubby's parents. So we will spend about 3 hours with them on Father's Day. It is very important that you as a family get alone time to celebrate but it is also important that the in-laws also get to celebrate in the joy.

I would also make sure that on Mother's Day that you have a little time focused on you too and not just let MIL have her way... if you always let it be her focus and her way then you will never have alone family time on special days. Once again best that your hubby talks to his mom, and make sure he says that this is the family/his decision so MIL has no reason to point fingers at you and create more stress/issues.

All I can say is GIRRL! My situation is not exactly the same, but I feel your pain. They do have this thing with them where they feel like their kids owe them something! I love my Mother-in-Law too, but it can be overbearing. Communicate your feelings with your hubby, you will be surprised at how understanding he can be.

Sorry that MIL is behaving that way. You sound very tolerant!
It's not nice of a mother to say that her child owes her for raising them. When you choose to have a child, that's what you do, raise them. They don't owe you. She owes it to her son and herself to build her own life, with friends and interests of her own. I dont' know why she thinks that Fathers Day involves her - maybe next year, you could arrange to take dh away for the weekend.
Have you talked to dh about your feelings of how involved his mother is in your lives, and pointed out how your widowed mother does not interfere like that? I would say not to let her know about your plans. If she asks what you are doing, mention that you have plans, and do not invite her along. Maybe you can get your mom to help on those kind of days. Are she and MIL friendly? Maybe the two of them could have a girls day on Fathers Day.
Good luck!

When my dad was here we had huge cookouts or dinner with the whole family all the time. Mothers day was same, family time. Its his day, if does not mind her there, neither should you.

Not all Moms are the same, mine lives with me and very depended on me. My MIL lives in Florida and very independent. My mom spends every single meal with us. She is at every special moment we have. She is not an easy women all the time, but she is our family member. His mom is wrong to say her son owes her. That is just her way to be around her only family member. She maybe overbearing but she is still his mom. I know my mom will not be here forever. Neither will his mom. She is a member of your family that you will have to deal with. Maybe if you look at this a different way you can enjoy her company more. You have to think that he is her only son. She loves to spend time with him and your family. Are you able to overlook things that annoy you?? I know I do all the time with my mom. Because in the end I would not change a thing.
I lost my dad 10 years ago and I will never see him again. I would do almost anything to have him burst in my front door with out knocking and ask for a lunch meat sandwich. Sound s like it does not bother you husband that she is over. Have a great day.

Geez, cut her a little slack and be grateful your children have grandmothers.
OK set some boundaries but do not push her aside. Sometimes you just
have to bite the bullet. Is she good with your little one? How does she
act when she is around? When you say she is always around, how
around is she. Does she live close and shows up daily?

Have your "real" Father's Day (or any other holiday that gets screwed up) on another day! My husband's ex ruins all of our "real" holidays so we just celebrate as a family on another day and she doesn't even know about it! Good luck!

I think if there are times that you want to share with your very immediate family and she tries to invite herself, you should counter with "I thought this event would just be the 3 of us, but why don't you come over for dinner on ..." and set a date within a week to week and a half's time to do something with her. Also, I would counter when she says your husband owes her for raising him, that "he doesn't owe you, he loves you, you were doing your job, that you owed him to do" A child never owes their parent anything. Make sure you include the he loves you, or better yet, we love you, because it is going to be very harsh throwing her own words back on her. But make it clear that that argument is not acceptable or fair to anyone involved and you don't want her using it in front of your kids.

She probably did give up her life to raise your husband, even if that was a convenient way to keep her from getting hurt by anyone again. Now, you have taken her sole existence away from her. She has to redefine herself.

And, like another mom said, when your MIL invites herself, invite your mother too, or have some friends over. Make it a celebration, not just your family unit plus mom. If there are others there, she won't be able to manipulate the event.

I do not get along with my MIL, its unfortunate but thats the way it is. Our personalities clash big time and there's just no point in me being around her. I don't like to be around toxic people. ( family or not ) ;) On occassion if I HAVE to see her, I'm civil to her. But I keep it very limited and short, its not worth making my blood pressure rise. ( yea its that bad between us )
What we do for Father's day is~ the 3 of us (me & hubby& son )will either go out for a nice breakfast or lunch and our son helps me bake him a chocolate cake and then we let dad relax all day.
She( MIL ) normally will just send him a card.
Could she just spend another day with him and do something for him then?
I feel for you, ugh. Try to have a good time though. Sorry I didn't have much advice.

Whenever she invites herself, invite your mom too. Then set aside special time without either of them.

WOW! My sympathy goes out to you.

Yes it is your Husband's day...and no he does not owe his mother anything but love and respect...but there comes a point when he has to cut the apron strings and tell her to basically piss off.

I'm sorry but my mother raised 4 girls on her own and also imposes herself on me and my family too. She ends up leaving after 2 1/2 days because I can't take it anymore and tell her she's gots ta go! This past week she showed up on Tuesday and I told her she had to leave on Thursday...early. She tried to give me a guilt trip about not planing on going back home until today...I didn't care. I had things to do that did not involve her.

Encourage you MIL to get out and do hings on her own..join an gym, craft group...anything that keeps her out of your house longer and makes her feel needed...by someone else.

Nanc

She probably is lonely in a different way than your mom. She devoted her life to raising her son and didnt develop other friendships. Your mom was married and you dad was her companion. Im sure they did adult things and had other friends too. So your mom is probably content to continue her adult things. Perhaps you can convince MIL to join a group, club, bingo, church etc to meet other adults. In the meantime share certain holidays with her, but on your anniversary make plans to be AWAY from the house. Ask her to babysit if she does and go out ALONE. ANother thought, if the 2 moms live close by maybe they can go places together.