It started with my fiance and I having an argument. I was upset (PMS exaggerates emotion some days) and he had to take his boys home. I was fine with that and just needed a few minutes to get over myself and planned to talk when he got home. My daughter (14) asked me if he was coming home. I explained he was taking the boys back and then would be home. In that moment, I understood where she was going with this. It was an emotional trigger for her when he left. In my moment of realization, she burst into tears and asked why dad left. It's been nearly three years. I explained again that he wasn't happy. He didn't leave her and her brother, he left me. To her, he left our family to be with someone else. Someone that, by her perception, if she just went away we would be a family together again. All of her anger and blame is directed toward this girl. We talked about her anger and misdirecting it toward me. We talked about how its ok to be angry with her dad and to miss him, but its confusing to be so angry and hurt and still love him. Especially when her time is so limited with her dad. Yet, she only shares her tears and fears with me. I've come to cherish this. I sturggled with her pain for a long time because her father should be the one handling her issues. Now, I appreciate her trust and tears that she entrusts me with.
How do you answer her question? How do you respond to her pain? I've talked with her father, but he can't deal with it like she needs. He wants her to understand my contribution to the disintegration of our marriage rather than acknowleding her perception.
I should add that she has gone to counseling.
Both my children had the fear that I would leave also. Shortly before she went to spend the summer with her dad I asked her if she still had that fear. Her response, "No, I'll just go with you."
ETA: he did have an affair and it ended his career. The settlement agreement he received was front page of our local paper. The kids know what happened - as does the entire community and all of their friends. Unfortunately with the investigation, it played out very publicly.
i don't know what more to do than you're already doing.
and although it's a process, clearly, and she's moving through it, i'm so glad for her that she has such a mother. it sounds as if you are handling it wonderfully.
khairete
S.
I am a child of divorce and this is what i finally realized once I was about 23yrs old and had been married a few years.
There is my version of my parents marriage, based on what I witnessed and experienced.
There is my moms version of the marriage based on her feeling and her memories and then there is my dads version of the marriage based on his feeling and his memories.
You put this in a bowl and stir and somewhere in there is the actual truth and everyone's feelings and reactions..
Now once I had a child.. Wooo, that was an eye opener about marriage AND having children..
From that I learned how much we love and adore our children.. But how difficult it is to feed the marriage, care for the child and remember to be an individual, without all of the guilt.
I also had a realization, my parents are the products of their childhoods.
My fathers parents were alcoholics, who married because of convenience.. They did not really love each other, but both needed to get married so they could get out of their parents homes.
My mothers parents loved each other very much, but due to circumstances with WWII, it all went to hell in a hand basket, we are still trying to unravel all of it.
Here is what your daughter needs.
She needs to hear, that you are not perfect. That you are a woman and you have feelings based on who you are. You were... age when you met your ex and then got married and had certain expectations.. Marriage is hard.
Then her father needs to explain why he married you in the first place and how he changed.. And that marriage is really hard.
But the one thing you both wanted and it still has never changed and never will is that you both love daughter and as much as you wanted to stay as a family, it was not in any of your best interests to stay together.
My parents divorce was heartbreaking and terrible, but I know in my heart and brain, it was the best for all of us. I would not be the person i am today, if they had stayed together, just for me and my sister.
It took my father over 30 years to get his life together. He is now on his 3rd marriage and finally has realized what marriage is all about (it is not all about him).
My mother did not remarry for almost 29 years. She had some great boyfriends and gentlemen in her life, but it took her that long to find someone she was willing to totally bring into our family.
You are not perfect, no one is. You have feelings and needs, but you are a work in progress. You are trying to learn from your mistakes, but sometimes it is very hard. Tell this to your daughter. Moms and dads are humans. we can only do our best and we do make mistakes and sometimes lose it, but we would never on purpose hurt our children in any way..
Apologize to your daughter that all of this has upset her She ha sa right to be upset, but she needs to know the one thing you and her father do share, is how much you love her and how proud you are of her, and so sorry all of this has hurt her.
I do like that she feels safe to tell you about her feelings. Thank her for sharing this with you, because you know it is upsetting and scary for her.
Mom, try to get along with your ex, if only for the sake of your children. My parents after almost 40 years can now be civil with each other.. It is the best gift they have given me..
I may be speaking out of turn here (My own parents did not divorce and my husband and I are also still happily married)... but it sounds like you are doing an excellent job listening and being there for her. I also feel the need to point out something:
You said, " I've talked with her father, but he can't deal with it like she needs." No, he can't. Your daughter does not have the same trust with him that she does you. Until and unless he does what is necessary to regain any amount of trust from your daughter, he CAN not deal with anything "like she needs". Because a child needs a parent to be a stable rock to go to. To be able to trust them. He isn't that. You are.
That does not mean that you are perfect or had zero part to play at any level in the failure of the marriage (not saying you did or didn't...), only that for your daughter, you are the person that didn't abandon her. In her perception, Dad abandoned her, you didn't.
You were onto this bottom line when you said, "Yet, she only shares her tears and fears with me. I've come to cherish this."
You are doing a great job, sounds like to me.
((hugs))
Sounds like you handled this appropriately. It's important to allow her to express her feelings. Don't try to "fix" them. Don't try to convince her to feel differently. With your acceptance of her feelings along with your explanation of what has/is happening she will work thru those feelings and they will gradually change.
I don't think you can explain it, it is just something they work through on their own. My older kids vent a lot about their dad but all they really want is someone to listen. They don't expect me to solve their problems, actually if I try to solve them it would make it worse. What the want from me is an ear and the knowledge I am going no where, that I am not going to change.
Think about it from their point of view and it makes sense. He walked away, are you going to walk away. It really is as simple as that but god forbid they use those words. Oh yeah, another fear that runs around, is my life going to be the same but they tend not to bring that one in until they are adults. My older two are 22 and 24 but only the girl (22) ever talks about it, the boy talks to his sister.
You might also consider therapy for her to get over the blame game. It's only natural to feel blame, or to place blame on you or the other woman. At the end of the day, her father made a choice - a selfish choice - that she has to live with. A counselor may be able to bring them (and you and her) together such that you can deal with this painful past.
I think you are handling it the best you can. He can't handle it because he would have to take responsibility for his actions and he can't. He would rather continue with the blame game.
Marriage is hard work and it takes two to make it work. If one checks out, no matter what the other does, its not going to work. She is at that crappy 14 age. Yucky age!
She depends on her dad to help form who she will be as a young woman and the type of men she will want to be with. I'm sorry that he can't man up or I should say "Dad up" and do his part.
I would suggest counseling for your daughter. If this woman is going to be in her life, she is going to have to learn to deal with her. Keep the line of communication open and answer her questions the best you can. Don't bad mouth her dad. She will resent it later. Good luck!!
I feel for your daughter!
I think the answers that you gave her, i.e., he wasn't happy; he left me, not you and your brother are good, but they don't acknowledge that YOU had anything to do with the demise of the marriage. And unless he cheated on you or something like that, then you do have at least some responsibility for the marriage not working. It takes two to make a good marriage and it takes two o tear it down.
I think you should say to your daughter that neither one of you were happy. And hopefully there was some time in between when dad left and when he hooked up with the new girl and if so, you should point that out to her - that dad did NOT leave to be with someone else. You should encourage her to give the other gal a chance not for the sake of the other girl, but because it will make your daughter's life easier if she accepts the way things are.
As for responding to her pain, all you can do is be there for her. Keep the lines of communication open and if she needs to cry, hold her while she does and just let her know you understand she's in pain; you're very sorry she feels that way, etc.
"How do you answer her question? " I think you have. His unwillingness to deal, his lack of compassion and failure to lead and protect-even when you're a raving maniac, is what brought the demise of the family-you cannot drive away someone who truly loves you and is entirely committed to you and the family that you have created. Love is going up against the difficult things that life throws at us, that our loved ones throw at us-time and time again, without fail-and never, bloody giving up on the big picture-it is not accepting anything less than total resolution-tell pops to put the gloves back on and get back in the ring!
