Explaining Death to Toddler

See if you can find a book called The Fall Of Freddy The Leaf. I don't remember who wrote it, but it's a classic from back in the day about death for children. :)

My children, who were ages 5 and 2 at the time, witnessed the death of 5 great-grandparents inside of a year. They had a relationship with all of them.

My approach with my children is very honest. I tell them exactly what is going on. However, I did use an analogy to help them understand the difference between the body and spirit. I took a glove and put my hand in the glove. I told my kids that the glove is like the body and the hand is like the spirit. When the hand/spirit is in the glove/body then the glove/body can do things. It can move and speak and do all sorts of things. I show how the gloved hand can move, make signs, grab things, etc. I explain that when someone dies, the spirit leaves the body. I remove the glove from my hand and the glove is lifeless. It doesn't move or do anything without the hand. The body is the same way. When someone dies, the spirit leaves the body and the body no longer moves or talks. But, the spirit is always alive and lives with God an in our heart (if you don't have a christian faith, you can leave that part out and the analogy still works). So, I've explained that even when grandma's body doesn't move anymore, she is still with us in our heart and lives forever. We can still talk with her and she will be here us in spirit.

I expected questions and confusion, but my children had none. They still talk about how they feel their grandparents in their hearts. There are tears of the activities they miss because their grandparents are gone (swimming, tennis, etc). That is when I take the opportunity to do the activity with them to make grandma/pa happy.

One mistake I made with the first grandparent who passed away...we continued to visit him as he got sicker and sicker (he had cancer). We saw him about 1 week before he died when he was weak and jaundice. Sadly, my kids, especially my son, still has that image in his mind. It was not a good experience and I regret it. With the subsequent grandparents we took to drawing pictures and talking on the phone. I wanted my kids to remember the good things and images of their grandparents and not the bad and sickly images. My 2yo remembers very little now. My 5yo was most effected.

Good luck. I know it's not easy for anyone losing a loved one. I can sympathize with you.

There is a nice preschool book called, "Nana upstairs and Nana downstairs", by Tomie dePaola.
It deals with great-grandma's death.
Toddlers can relate a little easier to books sometimes, and this one has nice pictures.

M.,

I told my child that when someone or something dies, it is because they don't need their body anymore. Their spirit stays just as is.

I personally stay away from the talk about "heaven." Going away to a another place away from everyone one loves is a scary concept for any age. It also brings up questions about why that person would leave them voluntarily (abandonment).

And you don't you know for certain that she won't be able to be with his grandmother again. You never know if she might "meet" her in her dreams... Tell her what your true desire is -- answer from that place and you won't be lying.

I hope that helps.

Lots of Love,
Linda

www.RivieraPlaySchool.com
http://RivieraPlaySchool.blogspot.com

I have not read any of the other responses, but its probably already been said.
I would for sure bring her to visit great grandma in the hospital. Any illness she may catch there will go away, but not being able to say goodbye great grandma may be much worse. I would leave the 9 month at home, she wont remember, and if she gets sick that may not be worth it.
I am sorry for your soon to be loss. I am fortunate to still have 3 of my 4 grandparents and I am 44!

I worked as a bereavement counselor at SD Hospice this past year and this is what we suggest: Do not hide what is happening from your daughter. (Though I completely understand your reluctance to taking your infant to the hospital: ) Allow her the privilege of saying "goodbye," "I love you, I'll miss you." (if she understands that yet)

I wonder what you mean by "is it safe?" Will she have feelings, fears, questions? Probably. Is the unknown worse? YES! You are taking the mystery out of what is happening around her and showing her that she can miss someone, be scared, and be quite "safe" with her family in expressing these emotions.

This is the hard part for parents or anyone who cares about children: she will be sad. That is okay. It is good to grieve and we will miss people. This will allow you and your husband to cry, be sad or even angry that this person is no longer here. However you describe where grandma is going (heaven or whatnot), keep it simple. You can ask her where she imagines grandma went now that she is not coming back. We allow children to draw, play, paint--that is their language and how they can express through color, how they play, and association, how they are feeling.

I have a ton more info and if you'd like to email directly, please feel free.

Best to your family!

Jen

Hi M.,

I recently had a similar issue (not exposure to death but, questions). I was really dumbfounded as to what to say and I wanted to make sure I said the right thing. So, I looked for some books on the topic and found a great one. Where Do People Go When They Die.It was exactly what I was looking for and even has suggestions in the back for what to say to your children. It's by Mindy Avra Portnoy and I picked it up @ Borders. There's a website on the back of the book www.karben.com.

Good luck. May Peace and Blessings be with you at this difficult time and always.

Christie

Has your daughter ever seen a butterfly? If not, google a live feed on youtube and watch it with your daughter...explain that butterflies were once caterpillers that was wrapped in a cocoon and came out that beautiful creature.

I have always been a believer in telling the truth, especially to kids...you'd be surprised just how well they grasp what we, after years of disappointment and hurt fail to understand. If you believe in life after death, then death really is that cocoon and what comes out is different but the creature inside still exist. If you don't believe in life after death, it is STILL a transformation and death is the vehicle that takes one's existance to nothing.

Either way, it is the truth and can be told and accepted.

M. -

I'm so sorry, that's never easy to go through. I have a three year old that has had to deal with his twin sisters dying when I was 24 weeks pregnant with them as well as his great grandma earlier this year. We've been straight up honest with him each time. When I lost my girls a social worker at the hospital came to see me and I asked her advice on how to talk with my son about it all. She said be honest, keep it simple. I was told not to say anyone was sleeping because it might give them fears of sleeping. We told my son that our daughters were just too little and the doctors tried but there was nothing we could. They are now in heaven with God. We're not religious, but do believe in God...although my son still really has no idea what this means when we tell him, it seems to at least satisfy his need to know they are somewhere, just not here. When his great grandma died, we told him she was very sick and old and died. We had been prepping him that she was sick in advance of it. He was actually very sweet...he told us she was with Bridget and Elsie now and they would take care of her. He seemed to completely accept it all although we have to remind him periodically that she is gone. He forgets and asks about her.

Hope that helps...good luck.
-M

In the last year 2 elderly relatives of mine have died. Both of them were people my kids saw all of the time. Both of them were "healthy" and then got sick and died in a hospital. Both fairly sudden. We told our kids that they died. I do not beleive in saying passed on, because, to a kid, what does that mean? i answered questions. 2 things I made clear. Not everyone that gets sick dies, and not every one in a hospital dies. i pointed out they were very old, and when people get very old they do die. kids get over things so much easier than we do. you could bring her to the hospital, but, kids may not be allowed. i am sorry.

This happened to me when I was that age about 2.5. I am gogin to tell you my story not so that you will have an answer but so you might have an idea what your child might think or feel.

MY, i repeat MY grandpa died. He was not anyone else's grandpa even though he had other great grandchildren he was My grandpa. He died in our back yard. He was over helping my dad in the yard, this was a long time ago so he was prob quite young for a great grandparent. He said he needed to rest and he sat down and just died. I remember my dad coming in and telling my mom to call an ambulance and then seeing my dad holding my grandpa and hugging him waiting for them to take him away.
I was mad at god for taking my grandpa. I refused to pray and i told my mom I was mad. They took me to talk with the pastor about it.
Did it help? I don't know. It must have I am fine now but at the time that is how I felt. I don't remember much except for his death and talking to the pastor. I remember him showing me a picture of some kids and telling me they had passed away. that they were all grown up and were also great grandparents and that that is what happened. I guess he was telling me the circle of life thing but all I remember is a picture of kids and that they were also dead like my grandpa.

These are my memories of the situation. I hope this helps you with understanding what your child might feel or remember. I loved my grandpa very much he was MY grandpa and no one elses. I still remember him and this is the first time I have every written down this story. It has been 36 years or so and I cried when I wrote it so you can see that the memory is still very good and my love is still there.

Try to make good memories for your child. He might not get it but he will move on and it will get better and better. Just help him with his hurt and to know that is it ok to miss his grandma and to love her.

T.

Hi M.,
Life cycles happen all around us all the time. Human life is a cycle just like plants and animals: birth, living, and death. Next time bury the fish in a plant or garden and tell your kids about the gift the dead body gives to the plants. A lot of great suggestions from other moms, you have to see what works for your family whether matter-of-fact, or spiritual, but I agree, honesty and simplicity is the best policy.
Good luck,
Wendy

My kids have experienced death first hand with our dog, my youngest being 3 at the time. And when they were told about my mother who passed away before they were born. In both cases, we told them that they(dog, grandma)went to live with heavenly father and that we would be able to see them again later. We would miss them but everything would be okay. This seemed to work well for my kids.

I don't have any good answers but something occured recently in my family that I would like to tell you. My father passed away a couple of weeks ago after declining for a while. My just turned 8 year old niece asked her father (a couple of months ago) if grandpa was going to die. He said he didn't know. She said well, we can flush him down the toilet......(just like her dead fish). I would make it a point to explain the difference and whatever customs you have about death, at her level, of course. Also don't say grandma just went to sleep. You'll never get a peaceful bedtime again. Hope this helps a little. Good luck.

I am searching for an answer myself. Can you please help. I would like to read the responses. Thank you.

Hi there - sorry that your going through this tough time. We lost my dad when my son was 2. He had spent a lot of time with his grandpa - they were very close. When my dad died, we told my son the truth - that grandpa's body got sick and that even though his body is not here anymore, that his spirit is with us - and he'll always be in our hearts. It has been tough for him at times - but we try to reassure him that grandpa's spirit and memories are a gift to us - my son is 9 now and does still get sad about his grandpa - I am amazed at what he remembers - we all continue to grieve - but talk about it openly.

I am in the same situation. My grandma is batteling stage 4 ovarian cancer for over a year and she doesn't want to do it anymore. I think how you proceed depends on what your beliefs are. For us I have been telling my daughter (4) that Grandma Rue is very very sick. She is very old and very sick and medicine is not working for her to get better. Soon she is going to go and live with God. But someday a long long time from now when we are all really old we will go live there too and we can see her again. (My daughter knows somewhat about God. I don;t know really what she understands but we do talk about him.) When I told her that she asked me who will take care of granddad and bruno (their dog)? I have taken her to see my grandma and I prepare her ahead of time what she may look like and such so my daughter is not afraid. I told her to talk to her and you will hear her and know that it is her. I think it would be ok to take your older girl. I wouldn't be afriad of germs for either but it may be difficult to take the 9 month old because hospitals are just weird places for kids. I wish you the best and hope that your family gets the peace that they need.

I once read a great article on BabyCenter.com that talked about how kids see death and how to explain it to them, depending upon their age level. They had several good articles... worth checking out.

Blessings to you all

Aloha M.,

I'm sorry to hear about great-grandma. Most of the time, it seems to be so much harder on grown ups than children. If you believe in God and in heaven, then it's a very simple explanation.....but there is still the emotional aspect. My kid did just fine when their grandfather passed away. The one thing that came up with my kids was actually questions about themselves. Everything happened so close to 9/11 and they started questioning what would happen to them if mommy & daddy died too! What mattered in the long run is that we answered all their questions with lots of love and comforting words. For expert advice, I would highly recommend you call Lorraine. She is a parent mentor and she's made some great suggestions for me for other situations. She's on a speaking tour on the mainland right now but I would call her now anyways. It's better to be prepared. Her cell is ###-###-####.

Marie-anne