Expectant Mother About to Have a Breakdown....

My husband has 2 daughters from a previous marriage (12,9), I have 3 sons from a previous marriage (11,9,9), and we now have a 16 month old son together. Blending our families 3 yrs ago was one of the most difficult and trying things I've ever experienced. My twins also tend to be "whiney" and his youngest daughter has a habit of talking in a baby voice ~ which drives me up the wall. The only arguements we've ever had were over disciplining (or lack thereof) the children. There were a lot of times where I felt he was being much harder on my boys than he'd ever think about being with his girls. (his girls do not live with us full-time, but he has joint custody) One thing that I promised myself is that I would not marry him (pregnant or not) until I felt like he loved my chidren and would be good to them. We've both had step-parents growing up that were less than desirable... and I promised myself that I wouldn't do that to my boys. I wanted them to grow up feeling loved and secure. I have to say, it has taken A LOT of talking, discussions ~ sometimes a bit heated, and a ton of compromise!

It's your fiance's job to talk to his daughter and demand that she respect you. If she chooses to live with her mother instead of live with you and respect you, which she very well may, then he needs to let her go. Buying her a $500 cell phone is just going to "feed the beast." She learns that she can act like a disrespectful brat and get rewarded for it,too! It's his place to discipline her and enforce the rules... it's your job to be her friend and try to "ride this out"... but you both have to be on the same page to make it work.

In the same respect... it's your job to stick up for your 9 year old when it comes to him. In the beginning, my husband (before we married) has said some not-so-nice things to my boys in the heat of the moment... and I have stuck up for them every time. It's not always easy.. but that mamabear instict comes in pretty strongly.

Would your husband be open to some family counseling? It sounds like everyone is dealing with a lot of new adjustments in their lives. A non-partial 3rd party might be able to guide you in the right direction and give you all some new ways of learning how to cope, adujust, and grow as a family. One thing is for certain, I would not marry him until these issues are resolved and you are at a peaceful place in your relationships.

Good luck to you... it's not easy, but it is POSSIBLE and can be wonderful! It takes work, but it's within reach.

I also haven't read your other responses, but girl, you need some much needed and deserved help! Have you thought about going to family counseling? I would check your insurance, when you call to see if they will pay for counseling I advise you to say that you are feeling depressed, (as I'm sure you are). The reason for this is that your insurance company will almost always say yes to counseling if depression is an issue. This is a fact, so please trust me on this.

I know that you are thinking that there is no way you can get teens let alone your fiance in there. But I would call a family meeting, EVERYONE MUST ATTEND and have the information and appointment for the counselor ready. I really think that all of you would benefit from a few sessions.

I too will pray for you and your family. Life is stressful enough with day to day events. You and your fiance need to be on the same page, every day, and counseling will help him see this.

Take deep breaths, take a bath and relax when possible. Even 5 or 10 minutes a day will make a difference.

R.

You've gotten a lot of responses here. I haven't gone through them as time is not something that is on my side very often, lol.

It sounds like the two of you (you and your fiance) need to have a talk about how you want to raise and discipline your children. Even though you are a mixed family, you really need to address all children as if they were your own and his own. I know that can be tough because you aren't the mother of some and he isn't the father of some, but you need to be on a united front.

I agree that your daughter has probably gone through a lot of stress lately, but life does eventually have to move on. And, I doubt that she understand your rationale when it comes to giving her slack because of recent situations. He needs to learn now what is and isn't acceptable behavior.

As for the other one that is disrespectful to you... Your fiance needs to lay down the law. You are to be his new wife and she needs to respect that. But, at the same time, I'm concerned as to why she is acting out like this. I would consider sitting down with her and your fiance and really talking about the situation. Does she feel that you are trying to replace her mother? That's kinda what it sounds like. Her feelings need to be respected, but don't allow her to walk all over you.

Dealing with all this stress is hard enough at any given time, but during pregnancy can be even harder. Your hormones are going nuts and it's hard to really be able to handle a lot of things with a level head. Being high risk is only making it all worse. You should really try to focus on yourself and the baby you are carrying.

This is a little off-topic, but have you considered having a doula? It sounds like you might benefit from having one in the delivery room with you considering all the stress you're under right now. If you want more information on doulas and how to find one, just let me know.

I pray that the Lord grant you peace and that He settle all these situations that are causing you and your little one undue stress.

God bless,
A.

It sounds like you all have been through a lot. I think you all need some family counseling. I would be afraid of what the older daughter might try to do to the baby once it is here. Hopefully once she sees the little one she will fall in love with her/him like you and your husband will. There is a very good possibility that this baby could bring you all closer together, but then there is the very good possibility that this baby will cause everything to fall apart more so than it is now. My heart goes out to you and your family. You are in the middle of some very stressful situations. Is her mother angry? Could you or your husband try talking to her and letting her know the situation? or is she part of the problem? I remember being 14 in a family that was all together and it was rough. This poor girl is going through all of the hormonal issues of becoming a young woman and trying to deal with her world being torn apart.
I think family counseling would be a great deal of help.
Good Luck

Hello E.,

I know you have gotten lots of responses to your question, but I just wanted to add mine. First off, I wanted to respond to something someone else posted for you. Blended families CAN and do work and it is NOT Rare! I had two children from a previous marriage when I met my hubby. We have been together for 18 years now and have two children together. Trust me when I say, it CAN work.
Now, I do want to say that it disturbs me that your fiance' can't stand your daughter. Sounds to me like he complains about your lack of discipline for your daughter, yet he has none for his own daughter. Counseling is your best bet right now. Have your tried talking with his daughter and explain that you aren't taking her mothers place in her life?
It all just sounds likes like a bad situation. I would definately NOT marry this man til things can be worked out, it will only get worse.

Good Luck
T.

E. ----- Run as fast as you can and as far as you can to save yourself a life of pain and heartache. Life is way too short to allow yourself to be used. Her father chooses to do nothing now -except bribe her - do you think he'll improve with time? Don't count on it - it will become your full time problem with marriage. You will be blamed for every thing that goes wrong - after all you are the mean, wicked, cruel step mother who makes her life miserable.
Why not allow her to go live with her mother? What does mama know that the present girfriend has yet to learn?
RUN GIRL - AS FAST AS YOU CAN. No man or child other than your own is worth the HELL a child can create. DO NOT - I REPEAT - DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE INTELLIGENCE OF A TROUBLE MAKING CHILD.

It sounds like you are having some serious communication issues. First and foremost you need to be on the same page as your soon to hubby when it comes to discipline. Neither one of you can make the other's kids respect them. You have to stand as a unified body and not let them come between you. If you can't work out the issues on your own you may want to seek some counseling. No relationship is perfect but if you work together you probably can bring your children together with you.

hey E.

am sorry to her you are having a hard time at a time of joy in your life, frist of you need to take care of your self even if no one else is willing you have to take care of that unboran baby, its so much mess going own i can tell you what to do, or to end it that not what i want to do i wont to help u make things better with or with out him yall need to work on co partanting because soon yall will become one when you get married and yall have to show a unit front for the kids on all things, the lil girl she is 14 that just a crazy age all togather but he should tell her he has to respect you or she might need to stay with her mom for awhile am sure its a god reson why she staying with yall and not her own mother or give her more thing to do because she has to much time in grwin up ppl bisness, and your lil one i know she has been through alot but id dont want her getting to the point that she knows mom will let me do whatever and it becomes worse it ok for i time preiod but i dont want her to grow up think the world owes her some thing ( i went through this with a family member and we still have a hared time with her in and out of trouble) show her that life goes own and we get stronger, and if you truly want thing to get better you cand pray of your family your soon to be huband for guide peace in the hows, streather for you and peace of mind for you and the unborn baby, if you keep trying and all else fails he has what you need and he is just waiting on you to ask for his help in the middle of your storm the road you take is up to you realy pray over your family say i dont want anthing that not of God and my house and he will make it so i hope it helps take care and good bless

It sounds like, to say the least, you have a lot on your plate! As far as his daughter is concerned, I think it's important for you to talk to her and let her know that you are not trying to take her mother's place (and hopefully you're not). You said that she treats you like the enemy, and in her mind, you are the enemy until you prove otherwise to you. She is probably scared that you will become more important in her father's life than she is. Has he ever talked to her about that? Has he ever let her know that she is still important to him and that even though you are together, he will not stop loving her? As far as her comment about you having an abortion, it was likey something that she thought would be hurtful to you and since she is only 14 she probably does not understand the true significance of that statement. I also think that as a child of divorce there is some part of her that may be trying to manipulate to get what she wants and her father may be trying to "buy" her love or to make up for the divorce. Dad doesn't want to be the less loved parent...
As for your daughter, she is going through almost as much as you are. She is such a young person to have to deal with everything that has happened. Put yourself into her shoes. She has lost a lot of loved ones as you have (completely out of anyone's control), but she has also changed every significant aspect of her life. She has to make new friends, she has a new home and new neighbors. That kind of adjustment does not happen quickly. And her coping skills are far less developed that yours.
I do think that counseling would be a good idea. Although it is probably hard to see at this time, family problems are usually not simply the fault of the "problem child(ren)" but the "system" (family/parents) as a whole... I hope you can look at the way everyone is interacting as a whole. It is not just the behavior of 2 children! I wish you lots of luck.

E.,
DO not take his daughter personally. In fact take none of this personally! Be strong and set boundaries for yourself and your children and follow through. Your kids need some boundaries. We all do! THe same goes for your husband. I have seen many couples of blended families play the game of "You don't discipline your child enoouh" game as well as trying to buy their love. It is all about being right, not being clear and true to what you really believe. THe boundaries will help your stress immediately and immensely. You'll be amazed how much stronger everyone will fell and become closer because of it. Trust the process!
Blessings,
S.

I have never been through this but it sounds like you both need to sit down and know that he is going to treat his daughter his way and you treat your your way. It sort of sounds like you both want to parent each others daughters. What is going to happen when the baby comes? Second of all I would let the 14 yr old go to her mothers. She might realize how wonderful it is to be in your house. But in the mist of it all take a deep breath and know that things will work out.

E.,

I'm sorry that I can't give you any solution or even hope. Stepchildren and blending families is so very difficult and the odds are against it. Some may work, some may work only for a time, and some just don't ever work. Older children, especially teens, rarely accept the step parent, and the step parent has to be hands off.

Let the bio parent handle discipline.You're going to have to choose your battles and let some things go, like the ridiculously expensive cell phone. However bad a decision that was, you're going to have to expect it and put up with it or get out. In your pregnant condition, it's probably not possible, but for me, getting out relieved my stress and was the best thing I did for me and my kids. OF course, you have to resign yourself to staying single and not bringing boyfriends around or you're just trading one known mess for another unknown mess.

Best wishes and good luck!

Blending families is a very hard thing to do so don't feel alone. Does he treat his daughter this way bc he feels guilty for his part in the divorce and all the things she has had to go through. Children will use this guilt. Yes,there needs to be a level of respect! but when things get tough just put yourself in your soon to be stepdaughters shoes you probably wouldn't like you either. She is not going to like anyone that takes her father's time but it sounds like he needs to set some boundries and maybe you both could sit down and come up with some boundries with both of the girls so he doesn't feel that you are just attacking his side of the front. You will be very blessed at times for his protectant and loving nature but also at times it will be a curse. Counseling may be a good thing just to have someone who can see whats going on outside of the box. He may also be more willing to take the advice. There is an awesome book: The Courage to be a Stepmom by Sue Patton Thoele.

I have never been in this type of situation. My oldest son (10) is my husbands stepson, but hubby has been his father since he was 2 yrs old. That said, I would suggest talking to your fiance about both of your child rearing opinions, you're going to need to agree when the new baby comes anyway. Of course, my husband and I don't always see eye to eye on things, but we do agree for the most part. Both of us had to give a little to gain a lot of peace in the household. If disrespecting people is okay in his book of childrearing, then you will probably be dealing with this issue for along time to come. Sorry, but people the world over are always 'going thru' a lot, but that doesn't give them an excuse to behave badly (surely your fiance isn't helping matters by ignoring her presence.)

I would think maybe after you guys talk to each other and sort everything out, you should each go separately and talk with your children, tell them that in life we can't always get what we want, and maybe this isn't what they think they want right now, but they are old enough to understand that YOU/your fiance deserve to be happy, too. Tell them that in your house there is NO playing one parent against the other, it is simply unacceptable behaviour and will not be tolerated anymore. Tell them that from now on the two of you will be parenting TOGETHER in your house, and punishment is to be expected for punishable offenses. Do not back down, SHOW A UNITED FRONT!! Those kids are eventually going to divide and conquer (from the sound of it) if things don't change in your home. Maybe post a list of acceptable behaviour on the Fridge, I don't say post the unacceptable on there because I know my kids would find some way to do something that IS unacceptable and then point out that it isn't exactly on the list, those kids like to find little loopholes

Hi E.. I'm sorry you're going through this and the only advice I have is to pray. Sometimes life gets so overwhelming and who knows the right answers anyway. God listens. I promise He can get you through this.

J. C.

Sounds to me, is that he's the one who don't know discipline. Especially if he's giving a 500dollar phone to keep her home. He's rewarding bad behavior. Did you try talking to him? Let him know that this is bothering you and use these exact words. Get a family involvement, like a meeting. As all of you come together in a room and tell each other how you feel about one another and how hurt you all are. It sounds to me the 14 yr. old has anger and hurt issues probably from his marriage to her mother, she probably seen that whole issue, just like your daughter. They need to know that they are loved. I know its hard, especially having to deal with a teenager who feels like they know everything! I was that 14 year old. But I never got everything I wanted. Try the family meeting and see how that goes, we do that every time someone has harsh feelings towards the other person. We get it out in the open right than and there, that way it don't progress and there isn't gonna be hard feelings later. Also, this is like a theriputic session for your whole family. Good Luck and Congrats on the new baby!

Honey, I hate to say this, but this does not look like a healthy relationship, especially for the kids. With both of you having children of your own, you really should have thought this through before bringing another one into the mix. Blended families are tough and the kids often get the brunt of it because they've had no say in what has happened. I can't as I would agree to this union with the problems you had before getting pregnant. There probably is some jealousy and frustration in all of the kids and IN MY OPINION...both of you have a greater responsibility to your children first and foremost.

At this point, I'm really not sure what would be the best course of action. I fear you are always going to have issues due to the two families trying to come together. You even said, "a wonderful man...MOST of the time"...why would you want to be with someone who has that qualification? I would suggest some counselling, but I imagine some of this you are going to have to accept and it's going to be a rough road for a good while. I wish I had more advice for you, but try to see where all these are coming from. All they know is that their others parents are gone and these strangers are coming in and playing house.

I'll be praying for you. Take care.

Wow sounds like disaster. If her daughter and you don't get along and he can't get along with your youngest you two are in a world of trouble. The only thing I can suggest is family counseling. If nobody wants to do that then when you two get married it is going to be a total living hell for all of you. Things probably will only get worse if nothing is done about this situation. Your fiance needs to stop giving in to his daughter like that. She sounds spoiled and he isn't helping matters any by buying her things. Your daughter is probably still not wanting to accept the new man because she is afraid that he may try to take her fathers place. The same holds true for your fiance's daughter she may be afraid that you may want to take her mothers place. When kids feel like this they act out and it makes things extremely difficult. I would definitely suggest some counseling or you guys may not even make it to the wedding day. I wish you all the best and hope everything works out for all of you.
D.

I am 31 and have been married for almost 12 yrs. My husband and I have 3 boys ages 10,7 and 4.
I acted out when my parents got divorced and my step dad came into the pic. because I thought he would try to take my dads place. Over time though I got used to him and I love him like he is my father and I started calling him dad. As far as it goes with my step mom I thought she would try to take my mom's place and hated her too but as before over time I got used to her and started calling her mom.

I don't know how to say this to you without hurting your feelings and making you think badly of me, but here goes:
First off he is not a wonderful person if he won't speak to your child.
Secondly you both need to be on the same page when it comes to disciplining the children in the household. If you two can't agree on the same ground rules for everyone you are in serious trouble. Being another child into the household is going to do nothing but create a whole new set of problems.
Thirdly all adults in a household need to be treated with the respect. If he is going behind your back and doing things for his oldest daughter and allowing her to treat you with disrespect he is not in your corner.
You need to seek counseling for your relationship and family counseling once you have gotten a few of the issues in your relationship with him on an even footing.
If he refuses to see there is a problem I would suggest you move on.
P. R

Just my personal opinion, if he can't get along with your daughter and won't even try then I would have to really rethink the whole together thing. I would explain to him that you and the kids are a package deal and that if he can't get along with your children, then although it will break your heart, you would choose them over him. They are your children and need you, depend on you to care for them. Just my opinion.

E., you sound like you have it rough. You and your hubby need to get on the same page with discipline or your family will continue to be very unhappy. My guess is that his 14 year old is hoping that if she's miserable to you, you'll break up with her dad, and then maybe things will work out with her mom and him. He needs to step up to her and tell her that you are his fiancee, and that he loves you and won't tolerate her attitude anymore Your daughter needs to know that its okay to be sad, to miss those that are gone and her old house, school, and friends. Grieving takes time, sometimes lots of time. I would recommend family counseling to get these issues out in the open and learn to communicate better. Good Luck!

I can't imagine the situation you are in, but why did you get pregnant by a person that you obviously don't share the same views on parenting? Not only are you going to fight about the 5 kids that are already in the pictures, you are also going to be fighting about the innocent child to come for the next 20 years. Your almost step daughter is never going to respect you unless her father tells her to. He also needs to be setting a good example by the way he treats you. Yes, it sounds like your daughter has been through a lot in the last year, but children are very resilient. She is too old to be whining. You need to let her know how to appropriately behavior and express herself. Maybe your fiance feels that he has no authority over your kids so he is just removing himself from the situation by not doing anything with her. I think you need a family sitdown with everyone where everyone gets a chance to say something. If someone doesn't want to participate then it needs to be very clear that their vote or feelings will not be considered in the ground rules. Then basic ground rules need to be made that everyone respects and follows. If not, your situation is only going to become more tense.

Hi E.,

I do agree with the lady that said that parents should have a united front, even if you don't behind doors. The one thing that concerns me the most, is that he takes his disagreements with you and takes it our on you daughter, if can't stand to be around your daughter, you should re-consider marrying or just living with this guy, you're daugther is 9 and not going anywhere any time soon plus, your priority at this point in time should be your children.
If things aren't working out, its better to actually be on your own with all your kids and baby, that feeling (and being) on your own, but with the additional responsability of marriage and additional children.
Remember that you can't change anyone but yourself, so choose what you want, not taking any action means to remain exactly where you are.

Your 9 year old has been through a lot. She is young and probably has issues with abandonment or lose due to deaths. Perhaps she feels she will lose you to the fiance, the new baby, or to taking care of his kids. You can take her to a counselor to see if she discusses issues with another person that she wouldn't with you.

If she has a whining problem, then address the issue on her first request then enforce a punishment on her second request. Your first answer is final. It's not up for discussion. When she starts the whining tone, let her know. Tell her she can discuss the request later when she can change her tone. If you allow the behavior without enforcing an immediate response and/or punishment, then you're inadvertantly encouraging the poor behavior. Your daughter sees that she is getting attention with the behavior and perhaps you will eventually give in to her request. You have to stop the behavior cold her her tracks. No "ifs, ands, or buts". Start a counting method. Count up to 3 for her to stop the behavorior. If that doesn't happen before, the 4th count, then she is punished. Send her to her room, outside, the corner, lose a priveledge like going to a friend's house or bike riding, etc.

As far as the 14 year old, she needs to accept there is another woman in her father's life. She needs to cope with it because that's the reality. She can take it poorly and sulk the rest of her life or make the best of the situation. She can try to be friends and find things she likes about you. She can't avoid you or treat you rudely. You are her soon-to-be stepmother, and you deserve love and respect just like any other family member. You can't choose your family. You just have to love them for who they are. Her father needs to explain she isn't going to lose him or time with him, but she is gaining more family and there will be times she spends with them. If she needs him, he will always be there. She now has the opportunity of having you there for her as well.

Additionally, you may want to give some thought to resolving these issues with the children before moving forward in the relationship. Your first responsibility is your own children. Your fiance's first responsibility is his daughter. If she isn't happy, he needs to find ways to resolve that immediately. I know you all have a child on the way, but having a child isn't a reason to get married. If he doesn't like your child and you are having problems with his child, these are major issues that need to be resolved. This can make or break a marriage or any relationship. Try seeing a family counselor with you, the fiance, and the two girls. You all need to get the issues out on the table and start talking.

E.,

Being a child of divorce myself and merged families I am going to tell you that it is RARE that these arrangements work, especially with daughters.

I find it so sad that these kids are in this predicament.

You against his daughter and his against yours. He can't stand to be around her and this is whom you live and are having a child with?
IMO this is doomed for failure already.

These problems won't go away and when they get older and move out then you'll deal with the grandkids drama, I've seen it first hand, what a shame.

The only thing I've asked of my husband is that he doesn't remarry or hook up with someone until the kidsa re over 18 if we were ever to separate or something happened to me.

Why can't people wait to hook up with someone? IMO your responsability is ONLY to your kids and it sounds like your daughter isn't LOVED by your boyfriend, I could never be with someone who fights me on my kids personalities. That goes for him and for you.

Oh my you poor thing. I feel for you so much. From an outsider looking in I believe you need to go see a specialist together and maybe as a family. If you and your husband try to handle this on your own you are just going to get into more fights. It can be hard for someone to tell you how to raise your kids but ignoring kids is never an answer, you should call Supernanny, she is great. or at least watch her show, she has GREAT advice. Try to be strong and not lose it and just talk to your husband alone quietly, if that is possible.

Obviously, if that is the way he treats your daughter, you should really rethink marrying this man. Put her first, then everything will fall into place. Hasn't your daughter lost enough? Think about it.

Hi E. Oh my goodness. I have never been in this situation but I would never let a 14 year girl or boy threaten me to have an abortation. She sounds like a total disfunctional teenager. Daddy should let her go live with her mother and let her see how much better it is with daddy and a very trusting and loving step-mother.
You didn't say why daddy got custody of her but he should let her know as long as she lives in his/your house she will go by the rules. I suggest pray and ask God to help you day by day to get through this. If you go to church talk to your pastor or seek counseling. Good Luck

I think some professional counseling would be a good thing here or at least counseling with a pastor. You both think the other parent isn't disciplining well. Maybe the kids need counseling too. All the kids have been through a divorce as well as you. Your 9yr old has been through a lot in a years time. If she's taught to deal with it well, she'll get better quicker. Your fighting isn't helping her either. She'll be afraid of losing one more person. Why did you jump into this relationship & pregnancy so fast?