After a very lengthy and expensive custody battle, I was awarded permission to move with my two daughters about 1.5yrs ago. They are now 15 and 6. They both were very adamant that they wanted to move but now the 15 yr old is complaining that she hates it here and wants to move back to our previous city (about 10 hrs away)and live with her father(whom she has never lived with before). She is doing well in school, has made lots of new friends but still says she's "miserable" and hates it here. My problem is that my ex is encouraging her to move in with him even though it is not in her best interest. He is very irresponsible and lets her do whatever she wants without adult supervision when she visits him. He is about to move in with his girlfriend of 6 months who has a 10yr old daughter and is an alcoholic. He has told our daughter that if she moves back with him he will buy her a car and she can drive(she'll be 16 in Jan) 45 min each way from his house to attend her old school so she can be near her old friends!. We have a horrible relationship and do not talk unless it's by email and strickly related to transportation issues, etc for our daughter's visits. We have other children who are now adults in college but when they were teenagers he did the same thing and created an amazing amount of stress and fighting amongst our family. I feel that my daughter won't make a reasonable effort to adjust here because she feels that moving in with her father and back to the comfort of her old friends and environment is the easier option. Even though I tell her that it is not an option for her to move back, she seems adamant that it is what she wants and I feel like I will have to fight to keep her here. Any advice?
maybe you should let her go stay with her father
if she never live with him before she might not
like it.. but if you wont let her go she just
might runaway. I let my son 16 years go stay
with his dad in florida about 2 weeks he wanted
to come home and said he will never go again he
just missed me .he never lived with him before either.
i know its hard but you just have to let her see how
it will be living with him...L. L.
I wonder is she close to her older siblings and might they be a wise voice of experience re: their father's craziness?
Stick to your guns. From what you've described your daughter is headed to trouble if she stays there. Unfortunately, for you she's not old enough to see any of this right now...but you have to do it for her own good. Does she have a good relationship with your older children? If so, that might be helpful for them to help confirm what your doing.
It must be tough on you and the rest of the family...hang in there.
I think you need outside help and family arbitration between you and your ex. A third party disinterested profesional caring social service person and/or lawyer. This is too many for me! Do you and the 15 yr old attend a church with a strong youth program?
While I've never been in this situation, I agree w/the other mom....family arbitration. Not that I'm doubting you, but I'd also be sure to have proof that this girlfriend is an acoholic. The courts would have to be crazy to allow your daughter to live in that house. Also, try to be as honest as possible (w/o really bad-mouthing her dad) as to why you don't want her to live there. Sure you'll be the bad guy for quite some time but your daughter will appreciate that in the long run. Hope this helps & good luck!
I would try going to family counseling. Whatever you do don't let her live with her father if the home is unstable. My half sisters went to live with their unstable Mother when they were 11 and 13. It was court ordered. There were no rules in the Mother's home and very little supervision. The girls loved it at first but now realize it was the worst mistake they made in their lives. They both had babies when they were teenagers and used a lot of alcohol and drugs among other things.
Maybe try getting her involved in groups and activities that she loves here? Maybe there is a book on the subject you could have her read. Best of luck...
Well from what I've read in articles about family law, its best to keep the teen with you. Yup I'm afraid shes going to hate you and throw tantrums and disrupt the family. (have a family pow wow to discuss the incoming trauma). My Sister who lives with me, has two sons 3 years ago who wanted to stay with dad, which they did, to my sister's heartbreak, they're now 16 and 21, are pot tweakers and drink along with their alkie dad, and are in trouble with law enforcement because of tagging. They knew if they lived with us they would be living in strictness. My sister who has custody of a now 11 year old daughter also wanted to stay with longer extended visitations when she was 6-10 yr. old. but my sister kept up on the court order visits and it paid off. she excels in school, is laughing and just has a good orah(sp) about her. But oh yeah, she would cry and scream, would drive us nuts when she came home from the visits.
Your daughter is in a tough age, be patient. Get help for yourself in how to cope with this problem and keep us informed . . . good luck!!
Wow, I really feel for you. It WILL work out though.
Question....did your older children end up moving with him when encouraged to do so before? If so, how did that turn out? I'm assuming they're boys for some reason.
You know, my first response would be: definately let her move in with him, if she thinks it'll be so much better; (as long as you don't think she'd be in danger)....I assure you, it won't be "better". Especially with the new 'girlfriend' there. I would think chances are she'll end up moving back to you.
That's what I did when I was a teenager living with my mother. I threatened her constantly that I was going to move in with my father. I did. Made some GREAT friends. But my 'dad' didn't know how to trully be a "DAD" and ultimately couldn't handle it. So in the end I ended up with my Mom and step-dad ("Dad"!); exactly where I belonged.
And what does your youngest daughter think about her sister being so "miserable" there? What does she say about her sister moving away?? It can't be fun for the little one to constantly be around fighting and negetivity. Do they get along? I would take that into consideration too.
Again, I totally feel for you. This situation is NOT easy. For either party. Take it from someone that was on the other side once.
It is so much easier viewing this from the outside and giving my opinion...than it was actually going through it. I still regret putting my parents through that.
If you do let her go though, be sure to do it in a loving, peaceful, genuine way. Let her know how much you love her and will miss her and hope that she ends up wanting to come back home. This way she'll always feel welcome and not have to be embarrassed if/when things don't work out.
Good Luck,
S. G :)
Hi K.,
It sounds like your daughter would benefit from seeing a counselor. I also agree that you and your daughter together should seek family counseling. I can only imagine the stress you are under. I remember being 15, and I was no fun was I was mad at my mom (sorry Mom!). Recent studies on development of the teenage brain show that basically, teenagers' brains (actually until about 25 in many cases), which the study likens to cars, have excellent accelerators and terrible brakes. Basically, their brains are wired to go, go, go without thinking enough (like we didn't already know this, right!) and then to have difficulty stopping. They've done all sorts of MRI work to confirm what parts of the teenage brain light up, etc. My point is that using logic with your daughter would be lovely, and she might hear you to some degree, but that she's already headed in one direction and might have trouble applying the brakes. A professional will have different tools he/she can use to work through this with you and your daughter and has the added benefit of being an objective third party. Is there any recourse through the courts to stop your husband from trying to lure your daughter to live with him in spite of the outcome of your custody battle? What an a$$. I'm sure your daughter will resent you in the short term, but down the road she will be able to understand that you did the most loving thing you could for her by keeping her in your home.
It seems to me that if the courts awarded you custody that neither your daughter nor your ex can change that without returning to court. Yes, her father can make things difficult for her, but as the responsible parent, you should seek assistance through counseling to guide your child through this difficult transition. She's at a vulnerable age and needs to learn not to seek the easy way out. I encourage you to seek counseling for yourself if you cannot get her to join you. Good luck.
Hi K.,
What a stressful situation for you.
This makes me think about what it was like for me when I was a teenager. My parents are divorced, and at age 15 I was interested in working the situation to my advantage. My father wasn't interested in being a dad and he was an alcoholic that certainly enjoyed his bachelor life. However, the potential to live with him was a new environment with more freedom, which is appealing to a 15 year old trying to assert some independence. I hate to admit it, but on a few occasions I did suggest the idea of living with my dad. Looking back on it, not only would that not have been a productive experience for me, but deep down I didn't want to live with my dad.
I was probably holding it over my mom to try to leverage something I might have wanted.
I think my mom called my bluff once and suggested we try it, and I backed down. Not sure you'd get that response from your daughter, your situation makes me wonder if your daughter is more focused on pitting the two of you against each other to get what she wants.
In my situation, my mom sat me down and talked through with me why I might want to move, and what that would mean long-term. She did this from as neutral a place as she could, explaining to me that if I really wanted to go, she would not stand in my way. Working through the logic, weighing the pros and cons, and understanding the impact helped me to realize that living with my dad wasn't a smart move.
I agree with what others have posted here. It seems like a good idea to meet with a counselor that can serve as a neutral party for you and your daughter to express your feelings on this. A move would be a big change, and based on what you have shared about your ex, he won't be focused on her best interest. This has potential to have long-term negative effects on your daughter.
Working with a counselor gives your daughter a chance to think through those pros and cons, and figure out the real reason for the move before making the move. This takes you out of the equation, in the event your daughter thinks you are biased.
Good luck with this!
you may not like my opinion on this matter and i'll say it anyway. i think that parents, for their children's sakes, are best to stay living close to eachother. i know that there are many reasons to move away, and i'm not in agreement with move away decisions for any reason other than safety from a violent ex. i know this sounds drastic and it may well be, and i think that parents can make sacrifices in order to allow children's dual parental relationships to exist with the least amount of inconvenience and pain for the children. i think it's unfortunate that children pay the most in move away decisions. i also think that many of these decisions are economic and that priorities such as owing one's own home come before children's interests. also relationships result in parents moving away and this also seems selfish to me. sorry for not seeming supportive of your dilema. these are just my views on the subject.
Doesn't sound like an easy time for you. Have you sat down with your daughter and had a calm, neutral talk about her reasons for wanting to go live with her Dad all of a sudden. What is causing her to think that life with her Father would be so much better? The answers to these questions may give you some insight.
I agree with several of the responders that counseling should be helpful. Usually doctors can recommend good teenage/parent counselers. A neutral party may be able to help facilitate good communication between your daughter and yourself.
Good luck. Teenagers can throw a lot of curve balls. Most of all your daughter needs to know that this is very upsetting to you, and that you love her very much, and need her to be in the safest place -- home with you. Listen to her needs, though, so you can better understand her and her thinking. Teenagers need more listening than ever, and don't like to be told what to do. So try your best to use reasoning and love, not bossy judgment. I hope she comes around, and realizes she belongs in a loving, supportive, and healthy environment.
I have lived through a similar problem with my daughter. I stood my ground and went by my gut feelings to keep her with me. I then got my daughter into counciling to help her sort out her feelings. It helps for them to have a neutral person to talk to. (just make sure you get a recommended councilor).
She is now doing very well and is content to be with me. It wasn't easy to see her unhappy with me, but it is my job to see that she is where she needs to be. Your daughter will try to beat down your defenses, but you hang in there. When she is 18 she can choose to be where she wants. I'll be praying for you and your daughter. Mom of 7
Plain and simply tell her the courts have FINALLY let you move them to your current location and you are not going to go back to ask them to reverse it just because she wants a car and doesn't want to give this place a try. I think its important to stand firm in your decision and let her know that you are acting in her best interest (which you should find confirmation in, that you are not being mean or stubborn) I remember when I was 15 and my mother made me stay at my first job I ever had. She said something that stuck with me for a long time " If I let you run away from this, you'll be running away from everything you don't like or don't want to do for the rest of your life and that is bad trait to have"
Hi,
You mention visitation rights for the father but that they were pretty much unsupervised.That would dramatically affect your daughters attitudes and opinions. Also is he the usual Disneyland Dad or has he tried to build a relationship only to be sabbotaged by you? Your daughter doesn't need to be in the middle of your competition between you and her father. I do hope you don't say out loud negitive coments about him in front of your children. They will figure that one out by themselves as they grow up, if he's a good dad or not. Sit down and ask her the hard questions. Find out the why questions and don't judge her. Allow her to speak freely. You might be surprised. I am not judging you but I'm trying to give you some real questions to ask yourself. I am very glad your wanting to protect your daughter but a daughter also needs her father. Take a day and spend with her and make her the center of that day. She needs you more than you could ever know but she's afraid,listen to her. By all means don't give up~!
