Ex-wife Sabotage

Take the high road. You cannot control ANYTHING that she does. You are making yourself miserable by even thinking about this stuff and trying to double guess if every move is another sneaky or manipulative one. Don't comment, don't share with her, don't talk to hubby about her, don't worry about whether his sister and Mom see her. Just pretend like she is a non-important person to you. Unfortunately, because of the children, she will always be a part of your life. But if you take the high road, hubby and the kids will eventually see her for what she is.

Her behavior sounds jealous, resentful, and not mature in a way that conveys a sense of confidence. Your reactions also don't sound mature in a way that conveys a sense of confidence. That's causing a lot of friction that probably doesn't need to exist.

Your husband sounds like he's just trying to keep the peace. Their long shared life together won't ever be truly over, as long as they are parents to kids who are still alive. So he needs to maintain a civil, and ideally friendly, relationship with his ex. When you think about it, that's a far better option for the kids and you than the two of them sniping and fighting over everything.

It's not easy to deal with a jealous ex-anything. But one of the finest ways to rise above it all is to… well, rise above it all. Be blissfully unaware of her innuendos and jabs. Don't stoop to judging her for her past failures – we all have them. Smile and be friendly when you have any contact with her, but don't be drawn into feeling bad for anything she wants you to feel bad about, or she clearly "wins" that round, in her own universe. That fuels the next round of sniping and cattiness. In the great arena of human emotions, we're only a victim if we believe we are.

If you are consistently calm, kind, perhaps even emotionally generous with her (not physically, like flowers), she will eventually run out of fuel. And until she does, you'll simply look to all the world like a bigger soul. The real beauty of this approach is that, if you do it consciously and for your own and your family's good, you will feel like a bigger soul!

Blessings to you all. I wish you success.

There is nothing you can do about her behavior. She was his first wife, she's the mother of his children, and she has been his friend. She's right, she will always be in his life and there is nothing you can do about it.
Take your cue from your husband, ignore it. Don't nag him about it and get angry. Be the kind of woman that he wants to come home to. Then you will have nothing to worry about. If she gives you a dirty look, just smile. You know that he is YOUR husband now, so act like you have that confidence. Have fun with it. If she tries to flirt with him, you flirt with him even more so. You get to do that, you're his wife. Act like you want him and he'll want you even more.

The problem is not just her... it is your Husband too.
Because, he does not institute boundaries... nor does he respect you and just keeps indulging in his ex-wife... and as you said, he "ignores it all" even though you point it out, to him.

And yes, I would be irked with her too, AND my Husband if he did that.

How about you both go to marriage counseling?

You cannot change her nor will she change for you...
but yes, it is an emotional and mental problem... for you, and your rights as the current wife.

Wow, yeah, hello, welcome to my life! I believe there needs to be boundries. My husband and his ex, do not. He thinks that as long as they share a son, he will always need to be in contact with her. She uses thier son to make a1000 excuses to contact him. She has actually said to me that she is his wife and always will have that place in his life and that I am nothing but his "baby mamma" and that she could take him back anytime she wants!! But to him, she says all the right things. "We got off on the wrong foot and I want to make it up to her" when all she's really trying to do is get an invitation into our lives. She always reminds him that her son is his "eldest" his "1st born" etc. Just little subliminal hints that they are more important than me and my kids. All I can do is point out when they cross the line and try not to let it make me crazy. When left to her own devices, she shows her true character. I can't control her. I just have to be sure and show my true character. Which is why he is with me and not her. I have to remind myself that what we have is real and what they had is over. He has made his choice clear and all she does is show herself to be bitter and small. Hope that helps.

Um, did they have this special friendship when you two were dating? I tend to think not, otherwise you probably wouldn't have married him.

He needs a long talking to that this just makes you very uncomfortable, and yes, you appreciate his past and to keep the relationship friendly for the children's sake, but other than that, he is married to you, and you are his one and only. The point is, that he needs to respect you and stop shoving this great former relationship he had in your face.

Don't engage her in conversation, if she brings up her life with your husband, just walk away. Stop giving her the power to put herself in the position to corner you privately and speak with you.

Next time she makes a flirtatious facebook comment, comment back (not calling her on it, just being part of the conversation). If your husband gets upset with you, just tell him, 'why is it you can handle a comment from your ex, but not your current, chosen wife'?

IT's over but their child(ren) is not.
It's been said a million times but you cannot control her behavior and the best revenge is living well and taking it in stride. To do anything else is to give her power in your life.
"theirs is a unique relationship and that no O. needs to understand it but them. " and she's right. Apparently your hubby is ok with the way it is. She is happy with the way it is. You're just not happy with the way it is.
O. final word of advice--the soonest way to become the next ex is to make a HUGE deal out of this. This is the mother of his child and they DO need to have good communication for her sake. Be a little selective of what you tell the child if you don't want it getting back to the mom.

I agree with Robyn - you can't control what she does. Frankly, you can’t control your husband’s response either so that just leaves you to decide whether or not you are going to let her effect your feelings and your relationship with your husband and family. Your husband obviously chose to be with you and you accepted him and his baggage when you said “I do.”

Let her be catty, manipulating, etc – you can choose to ignore or shower her with kindness, which ever response feels right and good to you but don’t let her actions affect your relationship. This is probably what she's hoping for. I know – easier said than done =)

Hmm… also, just because you see her as being catty, sneaky, manipulative, etc doesn’t mean she does. To her it might just be how she relates or deals. One thing I’ve learned about women is that some understand boundaries and respect them and some don’t. Look at all those women who purposely go after married men. Good luck.

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why did you delete it,,,,,,,I would have liked to read this.

I read most of this before you deleted but didn't get to finish so I am responding now. You can't control what she says or does but you can change how you react. She is the mother of your step-children and she and your husband will always have a special bond.

It is great that they get along but the two of you should have set boundaries...for example, unless it is an emergency than if she calls and needs to "stop by" to pick something up...let your husband tell her that you have plans and she can pick it up (or offer to drop it off) in the am. If the child really needs it, he should tell her that you two have plans and you'll leave it on the porch or step for her to pick up.

If you don't let the child know the plans, the child can repeat them to mom; who then can't call JUST to interfere.

Stay calm and remember, she is his ex for a reason.

Did she do this before you guys got married? In other words, were you "on notice" of her nutty behavior (and your husband's lack of response)?

If you were, ignore it (just like you did when you were dating)..

If this is new - insist on counseling and resolution or tell him that you will have to consider your options. At least that is what I would do.

Good luck.

PS: I'm not sure I could ever be a second wife . . . JMO. I have had several acquaintances for whom this was very difficult.