Ever Get Sad About Having an Only?

I knew I was one and done before my son was even born. On the rare occasions I think about it (that would be when reading Mamapedia questions), I ponder how anyone could ever even consider having a second child. I could never even imagine pulling apart my son's world like that. Now - that is just how I feel - no judgement of parents with more than one- I have 2 siblings and in no way feel like my parents were evil human beings who destroyed my life. But for my son - I can't even imagine making him share his parents, taking away any time from him that a sibling would need. I have never felt bad about not giving him a sibling.

Sometimes, yes. Now, DD isn't DH's only but she is mine and bro and sis are out of the house. For a lot of reasons, it is unlikely that I'll have another child. I adore DD and am so glad I have her. One thing that helps me keep perspective is friends who are unable to have kids at all. Some of them chose adoption and some chose not to intervene in what they felt was the plan for them. So the ability for me to have a child like DD in my life - a happy, healthy, average child - is something I try to be grateful for. I have good days and bad days, but more good than bad. DD will grow up with opportunities I might not otherwise provide a gaggle of kids and she gets my almost full attention.

Try to appreciate every stage. There are good and bad things about every age. My DD is also 4 and I love to see her explore her world. I miss my baby but I love my little girl.

And if there's nobody else in the home, cultivate relationships with relatives. One of my DD's best friends is my great-niece, who is a year younger.

NOPE. Not for a second. I loved being pregnant, loved labor-- but would not want a second child. I just don't have the temperament for it. The bickering would put me over the edge and I would turn into The Meanest Mom in the World.

Besides, it just makes me love my little guy all the more! and I'm a better mom for it, I am certain.:)

PS-- this time doesn't have to end. Our kids grow and become their own persons. Get to enjoying who he is, what he likes, find things you both like to do. My boy is growing by the day and while he'll never be a baby again, I marvel at how much fun he is becoming, how pretty soon we'll be able to go out to the art museum for substantial visits, that I'll be able to share more of my interests with him, do more with him, and learn more about who *he* is.

You can grieve for the loss of your ideals and come to a place of being happy to have what you have. If this is something that keeps you from enjoying the moment, do talk to someone (pastor, counselor, confidant) about it and work through those feelings. It's important to be very present with our kiddos while we get to have them under our roof.

Nope!
Not at all.
We have O. by choice.

When you feel like you need more "action" in the house? Invite a mess of his buds over (that will happen more and more as he gets older) then kick 'em out a few hours later! Lol

Our house is THE house to hang at. My sons buddies love getting away from their siblings.

Never!
We have Zero guilt and our son is so glad to be our only child.
My sister was sheer torture to grow up with.
I could never put my son through that misery.

Our daughter is 18 and we have ZERO regrets. We are in the midst of getting her ready to graduate from high school in June and off to college in the fall.

You can't guarantee that a sibling would be a good thing... some get along well, some don't.

Also, many onlies are labeled which is a crock. You can find just as many spoiled, selfish, unruly brats who have siblings than you do with onlies. It's all about parenting and how you go about it.

We've been fortunate enough to be able to do more for her financially, travel, etc. and maintain a stable and secure home.

She's not left on her own to take care of us when we get older because we didn't have her for the sole reason to care for us in old age. We prepared for that a long time ago.

She loves her life the way it is. She has friends over all the time. The entire upstairs is hers and anytime someone is over, they all have their own bed.

I've learned over the years, that many of the children prefer to come to my house. They get some time away from siblings and it is like a vacation! I love having them all at my house because I know what is going on!! She has a couple of friends who confide in me when they have troubles. I've made sure that I keep lines of communication wide open all along the way.

Treasure each moment as your little one grows up. Time flies so don't waste any time feeling bad, enjoy every moment now.

I don't consider my son an "only" - I consider him a singleton. It's the way it worked out for us. It's not a deficiency. There's a big difference: the word "only" implies that something is lacking. I have raised a bright and social and independent young man - a sibling is not a necessary factor in raising a well-adjusted child. That doesn't mean it's wrong to want another child - but having a sibling has certain advantages and certain disadvantages, so it's really a "wash" as far as your child is concerned.

Yes, it can be hard to have them leave the baby days behind, but it's a matter of perspective - you aren't embracing the JOY of watching him grow and develop into his own little self. You're going to miss all of that if you keep lamenting what you are losing instead of what you are gaining.

You don't seem happy being single - you want a husband. I get that. But you also say you want "a daughter" - really? Even if you had a husband, how would you guarantee having a daughter? It's so hard to go through life wishing for something you cannot control. Also, 33 is not ancient! You will not find anyone if you are desperate about your age or your family size.

If you don't get some help, you will always let your son know that he's not enough for you. Is that the message you mean to convey? The best gift you can give him is a happy mother - so please see a counselor to help sort out your feelings and goals, and develop strategies to have a full life.

You are still young and who knows what the future holds for you. We have only one child and at first, for a short time it bothered me that she was and only and would be. I then got over it and considered how this was a fleeting thought that I was preoccupied with....for whatever reason. I don't even recall why. Only children are often stereotyped as being lonely, entitled, etc. I totally disagree. Your future mate or husband is probably waiting on you...as well. I hope you find him.

M.:

I thought I would only have one with my first marriage - my husband got what he wanted - a girl. I wanted both.

Divorced him and was blessed with two boys. It can happen.

You need to take care of you as well. While your son should always be your priority while he's under your roof - the fact of the matter is - you need to take care of you as well. That means finding a hobby you enjoy so your whole life isn't wrapped around your son. He can see that women can be single moms and successful....

Stop having guilt. Put yourself out there. Be cautious. Be informed. But don't live just for your son.

Good luck!

My grandson is an only. My daughter is an only. They are their own persons. I was the midddle of three. Is was not all fun & games. To this day my older sister bosses me around & my younger sister burdens me with all her problems. My daughter married a guy with 2 children, so 2 ended up being 5. Besides, Haille Berry is pregro at 47. So, you have 14 years !!! LOL Hug that lil one of yours & give him (?) a big kiss. Thank God that you have him in your life !

i divorced J. as my daughter turned 3 and we were starting to try for a 2nd. I was bummed that not only would she have a split home but not a sibling either. I met my fiancee a year later and we intend on having another.

you never know what the future will hold!

I was a single mom for a long time. I was content with the 1 child I had. Here I am with an amazing man having baby #2. 18 years later, lol.
You never know what the future holds. Enjoy your little boy.

No, I have never questioned having an only. The thought of having another, brings me anxiety. Even if I wanted another, I wouldn't have one based on my pregnancy. It was very high risk, very difficult. I would most likely have the same problems again. I wouldn't want to waste the precious time I have one earth, constantly thinking of all I don't have.

You say you know how fleeting this time is, so ENJOY it, and stop focusing on who or what you don't have. You are only 33, and many women have children later. You can't waste your time with this, and trust that the best plan will unfold.

If it makes you feel better, I have several siblings and not one of us are close. You can't guarantee siblings will like each other or want to be in their lives. My siblings and I have no ill will, but we also have nothing but DNA and parents in common. I haven't talked to at least one in over a year, the others probably close to that. It just works like that sometimes.

Please take care that you are not spending precious time -- time that could be spent focusing on the child you DO have -- in pining for a child you don't have.

I have seen women do this, and before they knew it, their only child was in elementary school and off doing a hundred activities and...no longer very interested in being with mom, learning from mom, spending time with mom.

Embrace what you do have. There is no reason at all to feel guilt over his not having a sibling -- feeling guilty is a waste of your energy. We should never, ever provide a sibling as a playmate or potential friend for the children we already have -- if we don't want a second child for that child's own sake, it's wrong. A sibling might not get along with your son at all; they might have utterly different personalities and interests; they would surely fight at times, and might fight much of the time. The warm and fuzzy image of perfect little siblings adoring each other is....an image, not reality, not for everyone.. There are siblings who are close and share things -- but you cannot guarantee it.

Don't waste the time you have with him. Don't pine. Go out today and do something that only you can do with only him -- read together, play a game together, go outside and throw a ball together. Don't think, "If only he had a brother to read with, a sister to throw a ball with." He has YOU.

Ask yourself, objectively, how much of the pining is for a family with a husband and dad in the picture and how much of it is really for another baby?

I have an only and have zero regrets about not having any others. I know her very well. I have time to do things with her that I would not have if I had younger kids to deal with. I can do things for her and participate in things with her in ways that would be impossible if I had more than one, just because of logistics and finance. No regrets; in fact I'm glad I have just one. Do what you can to take advantage of the fact you have one child, which buys you time that you would not have if you had more.

Absolutely.

A few years ago I posted a pick-me-up about "great things about having an only"... Because it really is amaaaaaazing :D :D :D. There are lots of perks. I love being a mum to my only kiddo.

But, really, a loving marriage & 5+ was what I wanted.

And, yes. It hurts. A lot.

I got married / started my family "young" (early 20's, which is you g for my area)... But 10 years later... I'm odd man out, again. Instead of being the only married, and only mom... Now Im the only single, and only mom to a kiddo pushing teens. "Everyone" is married with toddlers & babies.

He would have been the BEST big brother.

He actually is the "big brother on call" to tons of wee ones.

But I knew, not long after he was born that his father / my husband should be. NO ONES father. I could not, and would not, have any more children with him until he manned up. Which he never did. So... 11 years later = divorced single mum to an only child.

I wouldn't trade my son for anything.

But at this point... He'll be grown up in a blink.
And I can't imagine "starting over". Not with a 15yo or older.

I never felt any desire for a second child. I knew the night my daughter was born that I was done.

You're so young!! I did not meet my husband until we were 37! Enjoy your baby and stay open. Blessings on all your dreams fulfilled!

I had my kids at 37 and 40 - so you never know - you may have siblings for your much loved child some day. But yes I could understand that it would be sad for your child not to have the benefits of a sibling. But he has the benefits of being an only child. There are pros and cons of both and both present different opportunities to your child.

Remember, no matter waht, even when we get "what we wanted" things can be difficult in a different kind of way. I have two kids - one of each - but my DD who is my oldest has a mental health disorder that she will have to work around and deal with all of her life. There are no guarantees in life - we work with what we get and try to help our children develop in to the best person they can be.

If your child ends up being an only child he will probably end up being more driven, more successful, more highly educated, more close to you, etc. Pray for a best friend to pal up and and raise your children as cousins / siblings / best friends.

Did you see the movie "Hook?" Captain Hook mimics children.... "I want, I want, I want." Don't we all feel like that sometimes. LOL!

Yes, I hear you. I don't have any major regrets but sometimes I wish....
I don't have an "only." I have two boys, but they are five years apart and I wonder if they would be closer if I had conceived sooner. I wanted to, but it didn't happen. I also wonder if I should have had more so we would have had the chance for a girl and because I came from a big family and loved it. Should I have had more???? BUT WE DIDN'T. It is what it is. All worked out. We are blessed with the boys we have. Life doesn't always give you choices. Remind yourself that usually this stuff is out of your control, so try and just go with it.

i think many of us do (apparently not all...) don't let the majority of these answers make you feel alone.

there is a big difference if you chose it or were forced into it, or a combination. i am kind of a combination person - you know, i have a wonderful husband but we have not done so great on the "career" thing, and struggle daily with finances. we just literally could not afford another child. but also i have long felt that 1 is great, for lots of reasons. just, sometimes i think that 2 might be ok too :)

again, it's our nature to procreate. we grow up with dreams of white picket fences and 2 or 3 (or more) kids running around..it's hard to give that up. but i do truly think the key to a happy life is to appreciate what you have. that's not a lecture. i just think we should all work on that a bit more....i have my sad moments too. my wanting more moments. but always i redirect my thoughts to what i do have.

on the bright side, if it helps get you through - you are ONLY 33. you have a few more years yet. so focus on that precious little boy, enjoy him. that is where true joy lies. if it happens again (and it could) it won't be because you were moping around wishing for it. so smile :) hang in there mama.

I have a singleton, not an only. I had a fairly uneventful pregnancy other than having high blood pressure and having to be induced due to pre-eclampsia (when I say uneventful, I mean I felt good being pg, I didn't have morning sickness or motion sickness). I always wanted a bigger family--I thought maybe 4 kids--but my husband only wanted one, maybe two kids. And two would have been pushing it. LOL

After having my daughter, I had some health scares as well as she did. And we also knew at an early age that our daughter was special and was going to need a lot of us--both our time and our attention. She has Sensory Processing Disorder. And then when I was 40 and she was 7, we found out we have a genetic liver disorder that precludes us from using pharma drugs, and we need to eat organically, which makes for a fairly expensive grocery bill as well as medical bill, as we have to use alternative medicine.

When our daughter was about two years old, my husband and I had "the talk." We decided that she and I came through the pregnancy and birth whole and healthy and that now we needed to concentrate on her and what we could give her. That included me staying home and being a work at home mom so that I could be here for her. It allows our daughter to be involved in different activities because we're able to not only afford them but we have the time to be involved in them.

We've never regretted our decision to stop at having one child, and my daughter appreciates the fact that she's able to do so many things that most of her friends aren't able to do because their families need to parcel out the time, money, and attention to each sibling equally.

Be happy you have your precious son. All he's concerned with is that he has a mommy whom he loves very much. Enjoy him. Stop worrying about the future; the future will bring what it brings. It doesn't pay to wish for and pine for things in the future when we can enjoy what we have right now in the present.

I used to feel sad about not being able to have another child. However, ever since my son was 7 or 8, and I would ask him, don't you want a sister or brother? his reply, " I told you, I want to remain single" ... he is now 11 and he still says that... He is VERY happy being the only child and getting all the attention.. He doesn't feel bad in the least.. While you feel sad/bad, could be your child will also be just as happy being single :) sometimes, it's our own unresolved feelings that we let over-shadow how our kids might feel. I think if you keep on loving your child as much as you do... he will be just fine with or without another sibling..

You are thinking in terms of what IF you had another child and the kids were close... NOT always the case... some siblings are never close and would have preferred being an only child... could be your having just one is meant to be... I tend to think that things have a way of working out.. You are only 33 (young) and who knows.. in the next couple of years, you may meet someone, fall in love and yes, have another child... try and not consume yourself with too much guilt... it will only eat away at the joy you do have...

Everyone below is being very encouraging and sharing how blessed they feel by one, and they are absolutely right in how they feel and their advice to you, but I want to share a different side of it, if I may.

I know exactly how you feel. As each day...week...month...year...passed after having my first, I seemed to get sadder and sadder that I was not going to have those moments again. I know exactly how you feel. I really thought that her father and I would never get around to getting married, I knew I didn't want to have another one until we WERE married, etc.

I loved (and still do) my first child more than the world, and she'll always be my special first. But I knew, KNEW, like you seem to do, that I wanted another. I wanted to do it again. I wanted to love another person like I loved her.

I really thought it would never happen. Then, we got married. Then, we got pregnant...that night. ;) You never know what the future holds...honestly...and if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. My encouragement to you is not to "be thankful for what you have" because I KNOW that you are thankful, just like I was thankful...my encouragement to you is that anything is possible. I am 32, and I KNOW I want another one even yet, but that it can't happen for at least 3 more years. I'll be 35. That's okay.

There will always be new moments with your little guy, so try to live in those moments instead of the "what ifs" because the what ifs will get their own time when (and if) they happen.

And again...I completely understand. I felt the same way. And then I had my second. Never thought it could possibly happen...it did.

You are in my prayers!

Your son, has ALL of you.
He is lucky.
Don't worry.
I can really feel, how you feel... it makes my heart ache for you.
But don't worry.
Your son loves ALL of you... and knows only you, and he will grow up, per your parenting, of knowing you did your best, FOR him.
You have lots of love for him and that is good.
Don't worry about your age.
I had my kids when I was older than you.

I am also a single parent with only one daughter who's going to be 7 soon. I, too, never imagined this would be the way my life would turn out, but very thankful I have her at least. Before I had her, I accepted that I was going to be single with no children. It is going by fast and she very much wanted a sibling when she was younger, but now...she's okay with being an only child. I'm 43 now so I've accepted that she's going to be an only child although to my doctor there is a plenty of years of fertility left. So I wanted to let you know that I understand how you feel, but you and your son will be fine with whatever comes your way. Just be open to whatever happens and enjoy the journey because it does go by too fast.

I have almost 10 years on you and want another but due to long-term unemployment, it won't happen.

I am grieving but also embracing what I have because that is what matters.

That said, embrace your little blessing and focus on the here and now. You are only 33 and have time.

I adore my 5 year old son!!

Yet I often ache for another...and it's not going to happen. I may be more sad that I know (or at least think I know) there is no other option.

Just playing with him tonight made me think of how much more fun he could have with a sibling (even though there is no guarantee they would ever be friends). Seeing so many of my friends/his friends' mothers having more babies recently has put me in a funk about never having another. Hearing stories of friends' spring break vacations and how their kids enjoyed it so much b/c they played the day away with each other made me already sad for vacation this summer where he has no other "kid" to play with at the beach. Yes, he has us and our full attention, but we are not the same as another friend. He seems to have way more fun at the park/activity/lunch/whatever when we bring a friend.

So I think it's ok to be sad sometimes. As moms, we always question if what we are doing is what's best for ourselves and our families. My son has proven quite a challenge, one I'm honestly not sure we could do again. He is the source of so much joy...and so much frustration. He makes me smile...he makes me scream. I enjoy being with him so much...and I hide in the bathroom for 5 minutes of alone time. I can't imagine not playing with him...I get so tired of being his main playmate.

I do feel lucky that I get to be part of his world and that I am able to give him so much love and attention. I will miss him when he starts kindergarten in the fall and I know it's not that I will miss having a little kid at home, but actually miss HIM because he is so wonderful. But I can use my new "free" time to make our family even better and stronger b/c I will have that time to focus on us.

As a singleton, it's not a given that he will be lonely or bored or spoiled. Having a sibling won't define who he is any more than not having one will. He is who he is and I am who I am. Would I happy with more? Yes. Will I be happy with no more? Yes. Of all the paths my life could take, the decision/option to have another child is just different, not better. At least, that's what I'm reminding myself of as I type this.

Reading all of these responses is also making me feel (a bit) better!

I wasn't even married at 33 and I have 2 kids now! I wouldn't make it your mission to find another husband etc but it might happen. And if not, you're blessed anyway. But try not to think "this is it..." versus "if I never have another child, i am blessed but who knows what will happen." Keep repeating it. :) I have to say too that the idea that you never ever will get married again if you want to seems unlikely...

one is a lot!!!!! Appriciate your blessing:) god gives you what you need, not what you want....