Advice About Trying for a Second Baby

I can't help you make a decision but I will tell you this...I am an only child and wouldn't have it any other way! Happy growing up-no competing for my parents attention and no constant fighting with sibling(s) (which all my friends had to deal with). No problems in school, work, or married life. And although my husband and I wanted no children we have one and she's also an only child.

I am an only child. I loved it and still do. When each of my parents died, it was a lot of work and stress and it was all up to me to take care of everything, but that made me a very strong person and led me down paths I never would have traveled and I ended up in a good place. My life has been full of wonderful friends and I have created my own family as an adult. And, just because a person has a sibling, it doesn't meen they love and support each other through their lives, it's just as possible that they can't stand each other as adults.
Only children are smart, independent and adaptable. I have one child and am not planning to have any more.

Hi M.,
I do not think that you should feel this great guilt. If you are having so many reservations about having a second, then you probably shouldn't. Invitro is costly as I am sure I don't have to tell you that. I think that if you really are certain about wanting/having a second, then go for it, but it sounds as though you don't want to and that is FINE! I don't think that only children have it rough, maybe they get a little lonely at times, but there are plenty of playgroups and activites to keep your little one busy and plenty of ways for him to make friends. From the way it sounds, you took a huge leap in having one child, if you are content with only one, then you should be happy/proud of that and not sad or guilty about not wanting more. It's tough because your husband wants to keep on trying, but I think you both just have to sit down and have a serious talk about it and just be grateful for the one child you have. I do have two children and I had a whole lot of mixed emotions getting pregant with my second, I love her dearly, but during my whole pregnancy I was pretty miserable. I too, said I wasn't sure if I wanted children when I got "older" however my first child was not planned and I had her at 19 and had my second @ 23. I am happy to have both of them, but I know I would never have a third. I never had the thoughts after having my first child that if I didn't have another one that she would be lonely, I knew her life would be wonderful whether she had a sibling or not. I wish you the best of luck in this situation.

If you are trying for a second baby that you don't want, you should take a breath and stop trying while you sort out your feelings. I was in a similar situation - Clomid, getting older, etc. I was eventually successful and had a beautiful baby boy. He is now 19! We weren't sure about a second child, and we went back and forth a lot.

While I can't tell you whether you should go ahead or stop for good, what I can tell you for sure is that you do NOT owe your child a sibling! Do not listen to anyone who tells you that single children are lonely. In fact, I don't use the term "only child" because it sounds like that child is deprived - he isn't! He's a singleton. What you child might miss in "company" he gains in independence. He might not have sibling companionship, but he also avoids sibling rivalry. He doesn't need a sibling to learn to share - that comes in preschool and playgroups and life experience. My son has learned to find and make friends in all kinds of settings - he made friends in the neighborhood and through playgroups (we found some through the Newcomers Club but there are lots of other ways). When we went on vacation, he made friends with other kids on the beach. He learned to interact with all kinds of other people, and has always been a social kid. He developed confidence, leadership skills, and an outgoing personality. At the beach, he would take a clear plexiglass container and collect crabs and fish and other items, like most kids do - but he developed such an elaborate "habitat" that other kids gravitated to him - friends came to him, is what I'm saying. He would build castles and dig trenches to the water's edge, and soon other kids would join in, and he sat there like the master engineer, directing operations and getting other kids to gleefully join in.

He is not selfish or deviant or lacking in anything. We hiked in the woods and caught frogs/toads, inspected lichens on rocks and fed carrots to the neighborhood horse. We took him to museums and enrolled him in playground programs, preschool, soccer, etc. And not a million things at one time either - when he was in elementary school, he went to religious school and was allowed to have one other activity (sometimes it was soccer, once it was basketball - not an activity every day!). We said "no" to him even if we didn't have another kid for him to share with - he didn't get everything he wanted. When he was about 9, he started helping neighbors out by bringing in their mail when they were away, putting out their trash, walking their dog or feeding their fish - whatever. He grew into bigger jobs, mowing lawns and spreading bark mulch. He started his own little entreprenurial business, built a customer base, and even learned how to do invoicing. He was recruited by more than a few colleges because of his independence and initiative. He developed into a terrific track star with the help of a great coach who saw his independent spirit and maturity, and he became a team captain because of his ability to lead. All those years digging in the beach sand turned into an ability to lead 125 guys on a track team!

He's not a miracle - just a great kid who made the best use of his particular situation. With the right guidance from 2 older and experienced parents, your son can do the same thing. I doubted myself a few times but I can say with the wisdom of hindsight now that we absolutely did the right thing for us. Families come in all shapes and sizes. You do not have an obligation to put yourself through further medical experiences to satisfy someone else's idea of what a "perfect family" is. Having one child does not mean you are a failure in anyway.

If anyone said to me, "You have JUST the one child?" I said, "He fills my life with love and joy." If they said, "But won't he be lonely without a little brother or sister?" I said, "No I don't think so at all. He has lots of loving people in his life." If you say it often enough, you will convince yourself.

It's a lot like people who have no children - others ask if they are selfish or infertile. Nobody's business, and it might not be either!!! If you have a backbone, and if you have confidence and self-assurance and a real purpose in your life, you will come to see that any family size, arrangment, lifestyle and values can work if you believe in yourself.

And the people who say you need 2 kids have also heard from others that they should have 3, and those with 3 have heard "Why not have 4?" What about those with 3 boys who have been asked "Are you going to try for a girl?" Let's all treat each other with a little more kindness, and not put our doubts on others. Mostly, people who say you need a 2nd child are trying to justify their own decision to have 2, or are not able to see that what's right for them might not be right for you. For every decision, there are advantages and disadvantages. People with 10 kids find that their kids have lots of playmates and also that they have lots of babysitters, but it's also hard to find an activity that everyone can enjoy together, right? So it's really about finding the right balance for YOU!

Stopping with one child doesn't mean you don't have enough love in you for two, or that you are selfish, or that you are incapable. It means that one is right for you.

Good luck!

Hi Michelle,

I had in-vitro at age 38 and had my only son. I had many complications with his birth and couldn't try to have another baby until I was 41. I decided not to take the chance. My son is now 11 and an only child. He has many friends and cousins. He is very happy and well adjusted. We have many friends with only children and they are fine. Don't feel guilty about having an only. He'll be fine and you'll be able to afford a great life for him.

Being on hormones is NOT fun. Your husband needs to realize that it's your body that has all these foreign drugs in it. If you do decide to have in-vitro, you'll have to be very committed for a few months. Many appointments and shots. It worked for me the first time I tried after being on clomid and pergonal for years, so if you do decide to do it, it could work fast.

Good Luck

R. Z

M.:

After I had my first son at 33, I was sure that I didn't want another. Then my dad died, and I realized how grateful I was to have my brother - he was the only person on this earth who knew how I felt. We don't get along that well, we never did. But at that moment, I was glad he was there.

Then I decided I didn't want my son to be an only child. I tried for about 3.5 years before I got pregnant again. My kids are 4.5 years apart, and I'm happy they are that much apart. I know everyone has their opinions on age difference, but this worked for me.

My oldest is glad he has a brother (most days). The decision is yours to make, but I'm so glad I had two!

Best wishes to you and your family.
C.

I am an only child and although I always wanted a brother or sister, I turned out healthy and happy. (And a little more spoiled!) If you and your husband decide to stop trying, know that your baby will be well adjusted whether or not he has a sibling. On the flip side, it is very normal for a working mom to have some sense of guilt about *everything*--even the fear of having a second baby and starting all over again! But if your husband is a wonderful stay at home dad and you found the love of your life in your son, I imagine you would grow a second heart for the next child, if you are so blessed. It will make your life even more exciting, too. Either way, I think you will win. Most importantly, it has to be something you decide and do together as a team. Good Luck.

Hi M.!
You should be having a baby because you WANT to have a baby not because of a sense of guilt or obligation. THAT is why you are having such a hard time getting pregnant. The universe knows your ambivelance about it and is not going to gift you with another child until that changes. If your son is socializing with other kids on a regular basis and you and your husband have siblings with kids then he's not going to grow up feeling lonely. It's nice that your husband wants to have 2 children however we don't always get what we want in life.

Then of course there is adoption......

First off, remember that being an only child is not a bad thing. A lot of people will tell you their sad stories about being an only child, but just because you don't hear about the other side doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Spacing: My children are 14, 9 and 6. It's actually great spacing. They are able to understand the transition of a new person in their lives MUCH better than children who are under 2. It's a matter of cognitive development until three or so, and then it's up to parents to help teach and nurture the child through these kinds of transitions. Spacing is also healthier for moms, because their bodies get to recover from the work and depletion of birth and caring for small children before taking on the role all over again. Spacing has been studied in fields of medicine and anthropology. Why do you think a woman's body is naturally infertile during the nursing stage? It is so that the mother's body doesn't become overtaxed by feeding an infant and then feeding an embryo, fetus and finally another infant at the same time!

Infertility: Acupuncture. Can't say enough about it. Do some homework for practitioners in your area who are interested in and have experience with infertility and other women's health issues. Also, read MISCONCEPTIONS by Naomi Wolf and WOMAN: An intimate geography by Natalie Angier. Lots of information and support there.

LOVE YOURSELF!!! That's got to be number one. Know yourself, what you need, ask for what you want and need and know that you have to help yourself first, or your effectiveness for others is not so effective.

Good luck, M.!

S.

Hi M.!
I had my son at 39. We'd planned on just one, but as I weaned him at a year and the hormones went wild I felt that I really wanted to have another. I think I'd actually been trying to justify having a second child by telling myself it's for the good of the first one. I used all the same arguments as you - don't want him to be a lonely only, what happens when Dad and I are gone, they'll be able to play with each other all the time, etc. I'm now 41, and had a miscarriage a few months ago, which really gave me the opportunity to evaluate the situation from both sides. I was thrilled when I realized I was pregnant, then spent many sleepless nights swinging between joy and fear that we'd made the biggest mistake of our lives. After the loss (only 8 weeks in), I was sorry, but not devastated. This made me realize my true ambivalence, which I don't think is a good place to come from regarding kids. Raising a child (or children) is challenging enough when both parents are really into it, if one or both are not fully committed I think it's a mistake. Children deserve to be desperately wanted by both their parents, we shouldn't have another to please the first, or to please a spouse or even for the ghastly 'heir and the spare' rationale. (yeah, we talked about that...eeeek) We've decided to just keep doing what we'd been doing: using no protection and if it happens, good if not, good. Your situation seems a little different, so my advice is (drum roll, please) When you're talking about creating another human being, and one parent's a yes and the other's a no, I think the 'no' wins.

There is nothing wrong with just one child! Your husband should be happy and grateful he has at least 1 when you told him you never even wanted kids in the first place. Also they way I see it is that you are getting older (greater risk for down syndrome, no energy left, plus how old do you want to be when they graduate high school)? Don't you want to enjoy your 50-60's without still having to raise kids? I would not feel guilty for not giving your son a sibling and kids are very $$$ and we are going into a recession. Just explain to your son that one is all you really wanted/needed and he is the best thing that ever happend to you. I have a brother and sister who are 13 months apart and NEVER got along not when they were babies, young kids, teens and now adult hood. My brother is 8 years older than me and him & I are also not close at all but my sister is 7 years older than me and we were ALWAYS close so don't worry about close in age or farther apart. It may take you time to get pregnant again and then they maybe more like 3-5 years apart they would be just fine!! Also invitro is so $ do you and your hubby really want to go through all that never mind it is stressful in many ways and you may never get pregnant again? I would be happy with my one and if he really wants another talk about adoption maybe? Hope I made you feel a little better????

Wow.... I could write forever on this one, but I won't because it's your path that you need to find. Let me just say this because I know now that it is true.... God works in very mysterious ways. Other piece of advice - If you are happy with the way things are now (and your own business can feel kind of like having another "kid" around) don't mess with success. Your life WILL change dramatically with kid number two. However life changes any way and if you're willing to let go and let God, just forget about birth control for a while and see what happens. The space between my first and second child is nine years (lost a baby in between). Then I had a "surprise" at 42 with another child (now I know that it was the best thing that ever happened yet very chaotic at the time). Good-luck.

This business of having another child so the first won't be "lonely" is silly. The child you have is too young and will be too young for the next 10 -20 years to really even WANT another kid in the house competing for you and your husband's attention, sharing all the toys and getting all the hand me down clothes.

If YOU want to have another (or 10) then do it. But some of these other posts hit the nail on the head in saying it is YOUR body. As much as your husband DOES have a say in wanting another one, the kid is YOUR responsiblity too. It is wonderful he is a stay at home dad and so into it. But it is kind of like a stay at home mom saying she wants dad to take a second or third job and have no time for himself or his kid (s) just to have more kids.

If you DO end up having another and you didn't really want it then you will forever treat that child differently. Yes you will love the child because it is yours and you gave birth to it, but do you really want to start thinking "what if we hadn't" every time life gets hard (as it always does at some point)??

Sounds to me like you are trying to talk yourself into it. This isn't a new rug for the living room that doesn't match the drapes, but your mother in law bought it so you don't want to hurt her feelings. This kid will ALWAYS be there, you can't stick it away in the basement 11 months of the year.

I know that sounds harsh to some, but you DID ask for opinions, so there you go.

I think you should really listen to what your body is telling you. It's important to trust that. You are obviously a very caring wife and wonderful mother to put thier wishes first. It's admirable that you would like your son to have a sibling so he won't be lonely and to fulfill the wish of your husband. I'm an only child myself, never as child did I wish I had a sibling, but maybe my childhood was very different than many others. As I became older, I too thought how it might be nice to have a sibling. However my quality of life hasen't changed because of it. I can surround myself by other family members, friends, neighbors, my own husband's family. Life is not necessarily lonely.
However if you truley would like to parent another child, have you thought of being a foster parent or adopting a child that needs a loving home? If you have ever had interest in doing so, you might be amazed how you would love this child just as much as your own and would be very much a part of your family in every sense of the word. Good luck with the decisions that you and your husband make. I wish you the very best for your family!

M. my advice is that sometimes an only child is okay, but if you do have another one and you or your husband are an only child remind the other that when they get older they will fight. If you don't wanna have another baby talk it over with your husband ther is great joy in just having one , but if you have doubts dont let other people make you feel bad or guilty you know what you can handel and what you cant. Good luck with what every you decide

A little about me:

I am a single mother of a 13 year old going on fifty, I have a great boyfriend of 5 years that is just like my son's dad maybe even better, have been trying for three years to get pregnant again I informed my boyfriend that he has till i'm 35 which is in 2 years. I have two jobs which keep me very busy. Have a great day to anyone that reads this.

Hi Michelle,

Wow, I just read a few and so I don't repeat everything, I will give you my experience. I personally was one of two, the youngest. My brother is 4 years older and hated me always! So I chose to have only one. She is the light of our life! Now 13 and has often anounced how she wants a sibling. Our reply,"You would have some one to share the good times with yes, but that is where it stops. You would not have as much as you do now. Sharing EVERYTHING can become anoying too." She is now 13 and the way I see it, it could go either way. But an only child is NOT a bad thing. That's what friends are for. Do not have the guilt for your son (or Husband) everything happens for a reason. Please feel blessed you can share your love with one, others can't. Take care of YOURSELF!

I expect that if it is meant to be - just stop trying so hard.
That may be a dumb cliche` but it could work. Your family is not really "1" you are three! Enjoy the youthfulness in life.

would u consider adoption?

Hello,
If you can have a second- do it. There is no greater gift to give your child than a sibling. Someone to share their life story with.
Good luck,
S.

would your son really benifit from a sibling? I know many happy only children who didnt spend there childhood competing for attention from there parents just a thought

M.,

You are still really young at 38 and you sound like you have a happy marriage and a great family... another baby would only add more joy to your life. You would never regret having another... but you may regret not having another.

I had my first at 38 and I'm trying to get pregnant again now at 40. Try acupuncture and chiropractic before you try in vitro.

Good luck,
Allie

M.,
I don't have a ton of advice, but I wanted you to know that I was essentially an only child - my sister was MUCH older than me and left for college when I was little...and I LOVED it. Loved it. As long as you are careful to involve your son with lots of friends and to make sure he isn't getting spoiled (which is easy to do with just one), he'll be fine! =)
M.

My own mom is an only child and turned out just fine!
My dad is one of NINE and they all fight all the time. So there is no guarantee that a sibling will be your child's best friend.
I have one baby now, and am considering stopping at one myself, and wonder about her not having a sibling. I used chlomid as well for my first, then had a horrible pregnancy, a complicated delivery, an awful recovery, my little girl was colicky for 4 months, and I had PPD. I am not sure if I could really go through all of that again - almost 2 years of emotional, physical and mental torture - regardless of how much I LOVE and ADORE my little girl.
Good luck with your decision, and do what you truly think is best!

M.,

Hello - I am so sorry to hear about your frustration. I can empathize. I am 35 and have abeautiful 15 month old son. Before him I gave birth to a stillborn son. My husband and I would like our son to have a sibling and I have been on clomid and have been to several consults with IVF. It can make you crazy!!!

I am not sure if you have considered adoption. My husband and I are submitting an application to adopt a Chinese girl. The process can take two years, but we have always wanted to sabe a little child and figure this is our chance. China is a long process, but there are other coutries that are not quite as long. We chose China because we would like a girl and because the children from China a very healthy.

Of course - now that we have decided to adopt I will probably get pregnant!

I hope this helps.

Take Care,
Jen

Often I have heard that it is difficult for a woman to get pregnant if she is reluctant about it in any way. Someone I know got pregnant after she stopped trying so hard or just resigned herself to it. I don't think it is all that terrible to be an only child. I myself have two boys ages 5 and 2. The second one we had very much for the same reasons that you talk about having 2 children. So far, unfortunately my boys don't get along so well, and I know my first child resents his brother very much for taking attention away from him. Sometimes when you just have one child you can give him so much more than if you have 2. There are pros and cons to both ways that you could go. I would just make sure that this is something that you really want. Two children is a lot more than one in many ways.

Hi M.,
I don't believe there is one right answer to this question of providing a sibling for your child, though I lean towards doing so. Someone I really respect told me that they felt it was the best gift they could give their child because chances are the parents would pass away before their child, and if there was a sibling, at least they would still have each other. As one of 7 myself, I can say that I'm not close with all my siblings, but I very much value the experience of having siblings. However, I don't believe that only children are necessarily always going to miss out and be lonely. Also, the age difference is not necessarily an issue. I'm closer to my sister who is 18 years younger than I am to the rest. I also really think that this should always be a joint decision between spouses. Even though you're the one who has to carry and birth a child, I think your husband's input should carry considerable weight, too, especially if he's staying home with your son. If you wanted to try getting pregnant without going through in vitro, try Naprotechnology. It's a natural method where you learn to tell when you ovulate and when the best time is to conceive. You can find out more about it by googling it, or by checking with a local Catholic church and asking about that method of Natural Family Planning. (It's also called the Ovulation Method, or Creighton Method.) You don't have to be Catholic, just promoted by the Catholic Church as they don't believe in artificial birth control or in vitro. Anyway, it's very effective -- I've been using it for 15 years. If I were in your situation, I think I would probably say a prayer and let God decide whether my son needed a sibling or not. It kind of takes the pressure and stress out of it. Good luck -- these decisions are never easy.

do what is right for you. I had my second (my boys are 5 3/4 years apart) when I was 37 . I understand exactly how you feel. We werent sure about having an second and then it just happened. Now Im glad because even though the age difference is years, they will still have each other when we are gone. DO what is right for you , and stick to it. Theres no right or wrong. Good luck, were thinking of you!

If I were you I would try for baby #2. If you don't then I think it will cause a lot of issues between you and your husband. Since he is willing to take on the "mom" roll I would certainly try again. My husband and I had a huge battle with baby #3. My first was alone for a long time then my 2nd was born when she was 7 1/2 and I have always felt bad that she didn't have anyone. After Baby #2 we had the talk about the 3rd, when I did get pregnant and told him he was so upset and of course never remembered the conversation which killed me. We now have the two boys who are 3 years apart and they are the best of buddies, I certainly think you should consider it and if you can financially support your family and allow your husband to raise the kids, there is just nothing wrong with it. The last thing I would hate to see is your marriage split down the road because you decided it wasn't for you and didn't look at the family and what the future holds. That is just my opinion, my husband loves the baby who is 2 1/2 and he fits in just nicely and I am glad I went with my gut, that's all you can do. But you and your husband need to talk it out .. you can't make this decesion on your own.

M.,
Writing back w/ 2 perspectives...it took us many fertility treatments and 2 yrs to conceive our 2nd. for us it was all worth it (we want several children), but it is so draining and stressful. if you need a break (or to quit completly) than you should definitly do that. maybe you could explain to your husband how continuing to try may take energy and focus away from enjoying the one you have now, and from your marriage.
Also, I was basically an only child. (my mom and step dad had a baby when i was 14 1/2, and although i love him dearly and consider him my brother (not 1/2) the reality is that during most of my childhood yrs i was an only)
I was fine! I had cousins and friends,and don't remember ever feeling too badly that i was an only. occasionally as an adult i think it would be nice to have siblings (to share worries about parents with, etc.)
but i don't think you should feel guilty one bit about your son. each family must do what works for them, not base major decisions on what others say might occur. i belive that 2 loving and attentive parents who have a child's best interests at heart is the most important, not the # of children in the home.
also, if you're worried about him being lonely you could think about foster care, or doing a fresh air child in the summers...there are lots of oppurtunities for your son that don't involve bringing another baby into the world.
good luck, i'd love to hear what you decide.
from a (former) happy only child,
L. :)

When i first dated my husband he said he wanted six children and I was like "Are you out of your mind?" For heath reasons we ended up with one child as well. Rather then focusing on the guilt(I am very aware of the huge ton of guilt you feel each and every 28 days because i went through it for twelve years) focus on the blessing that you have in your life. Yes, only children do get lonely sometimes and they do want for siblings there's no denying that fact. Fill his life with activities both social and personal and make many memories for the three of you. If you have room in your life for a pet that helps fill the void as well. Finally, if you don't feel as though you want another child now maybe it's time to stop trying. It seems as though you have a full lifetry and relax and enjoy your accomplishments rather thean focus on your dissapointments. Good Luck!
K.

I know lots people with siblings (myself included) and while they may tell you that having a brother or sister was wonderful, consider that when they were young kids they probably wished they had no siblings; nobody to fight with, share a room with, share toys with etc. we forget how many times, as kids we cried because a sister pulled our hair or a brother broke our favorite toy. It's not all bliss, trust me. I had two sisters and we fought constantly.
If we always did what was "best" for our kids based on what our friends told us, we'd be trying something different every week. Stick to your guns. You know in your heart what is right for you and your family. Sounds like you've already made your decision, you just need to tell your husband how you really feel. No reason to feel guilty! You are obviously concerned about the wellbeing of your son (so much so that you're considering IVF just so he won't be lonely) so I'm sure he will be JUST FINE! Get your son a puppy and let him have sleepovers when he is older. You don't need to jump through hoops, just enjoy your family as it is!

I would just like to say that even if your kids are a little far apart age wise, it doesnt mean they wont be close. If you wait 10 years maybe but not if you have them 3-4 years apart. My 8 and 6 year olds love their 2 year old sister. They have loved her since day 1. They play with her and love her to peices. I also have a half sister who was born 14 years after me. I love her also and we are as close as we can be(she lives with her mom 1,000 miles away) We both love eachother and are bonded as sisters. So I dont think if you end up having your children 4 years apart that your reasoning is any less valid. I think its important to have at least 2 children if you can. It would be a great thing for your child to be able to have someone to confide in and have be there for all those important steps in life. Plus, when you are gone, your son will have somoene to go through that with and still have someone around that is family.
You still have to talk to your husband about these feelings. He needs to be aware of your thoughts before you go ahead and make a decision.
I wish you the best of luck and hope you can come up with a decision that benefits everyone.

M.,
I hear you loud and clear. I am responding to throw in an alternate idea, and maybe the two of you have discussed this already, but here it is. How about adopting a child under two years old? When I say this I am thinking about local adoption and children within your state or neighboring states that need a home. My brother and his wife where able to adopt an infant within a year and without extreme costs. He shared with a friend of mine how they went about the process and she too welcomed a second child into her home within a year. This was down south but I'm sure there are similar avenues in your community. If you would like me to find out more or to put you in touch with my brother I would be more than happy to make that happen. Many Blessings. M. P.

I am an only child and an only grandchild. I'll be 34 on Monday and I've never felt lonely for a lack of siblings. I have a great relationship with my parents. As a kid, they took me everywhere so I was and remain an extremely socialable person. As it was the three of us, we traveled all over the globe and have shared wonderful adventures together. If you raise your son to be a great person, as I'm sure you already are, he will be just fine.

Hi M.,
I am sorry the Clomid didn't work for you. I know the next step regarding fertility treatment is even more difficult, so I can see that it only complicates your feelings. I was wondering if the dr. has been checking your levels of progesterone, LH, and FSH, to see how effective or not the clomid was for you. In my case clomid did work when I used it, but another time, the dr. just put me on progesterone suppositories since my level was low. Maybe ask about that since it is easy and painless and may help. Also, perhaps give your body a little break from the medication and trying. Start eating better and exercise more. Prayer can help too- I had 4 miscarraiges and praying helped me through it and brought peace to my heart. You still have time for your son to have a close sibling if it works out. My youngest 2 are 9 yrs apart- which isn't ideal but they are having a great time together. You have many yrs to go before that extreme. Try not to stress about it since that will mess up your body chemistry. I know someone who tried for years and did ivf several times, was totally stressed out, and nothing worked. It was only after she resolved to adopt a child... she finally got pregnant and wasn't even trying then!
Good luck.

I don't know how much this will help, but here's a shot. My sister is 4 years younger then me. We weren't super close until our early teen years, and then we became inseparable. We are still best friends, and I can't imagine my world without her. Likewise, my husband has a younger brother who is 3.5 years younger, and they are not only business partners, but the closest brothers I have ever been around. Yes, 1-3 years is preferable, but siblings, raised by loving parents, always have a bond, no matter how far apart they are.

Obviously this is an issue that is much larger for you then jus the age difference, I wonder if some counseling for both you and your husband on it might help? Keep in mind as well that Clomid (at least this was true for my 6 months on it!) can make a person very emotional and sometimes fears can be escalated by the hormonal fluxes of it.

M.,
I'm the 2nd of 5 siblings and am so glad i have them. They're the reason i had 3 children of my own. I believe we learn so much from having siblings. It's not always perfect relationships, but life is so much richer/fuller. They help you through tough times.
I lost my middle of 3 daughters in a tragic accident when she was 21; now i wish i had even more. You'll probably never regret having another, but you may regret NOT having another. It's more love. God forbid you lose one; something i never thought would happen to me in a million years; you couldn't have convinced me it could ever possibly happen to me... but it did, and to many others i now know.
I say go for it...it's more love...

First off, let me say to you everything you were told about only children isn't true for most of us. In fact, on www.cafemom.com, I belong to a group called Moms of Onlies. There is a whole group of women who chose to have 1 for many different reasons and for the most part are all happy with that decision. Now I am also an only child. I never for one minute was unhappy being an only. I was happy to have all the love, all the attention and all the stuff :O) I wet to a private college, had a beautiful wedding, all because I was an only. We went camping all summer long.....all things we couldn't have done with 2 kids, because my parents didn't have a lot of money. So if you really don't want another, don't have one just to please others....and there is no guarantee that your son will be happy with a sibling. Some kids regress and act negatively towards siblings, while others welcome them. I haven't made any final decisions regarding children, but at this point I know that I don't wat my kids too close....in fact I want them about 4 or 5 years apart. For college expenses, and for the ability to enjoy both of them fully, not having to "share" any time between babies. So if you feel you are done, and don't want to continue then you should talk it over with your husband and tell him just that. Get your son involved in play groups, put him in preschool/daycare, get him involved with other kids and he will be fine!!!

Well that is a lot to think about but what I can tell you from my personal experience is that your son will not suffer from being an only child. Yes having siblings does bring a lot of company and interaction but that is not the only way to achieve those things. I have a sister is 12 years older then me, so pretty much , i was an only child and i am certainly not scarred...Just keep your son in social activities like play gym or play groups, pre-school even though its not necessary...Does he have cousins or anyone around close to his age? I would listen to your gut instinct on this one...I personally do not think that one reason is a good enough one to pursue something you arent even really on board for. A baby is a blessing so if it does happen, then just enjoy every second of it but please dont feel like you have to force this issue if you dont want to. good luck and keep us posted!

Hi M.,
It is so hard to go through all of those fertility treatments and keep your head straight through it all. I had to do that with my first baby, but ended up getting pregnant on my own using Preseed. Have you tried that yet? If you have not, you definitely should before going for IVF. I think you can buy it on drugstore.com. I had my first at almost 37 and my second at 38- both using preseed after trying for 2 years for my first with clomid and IUI's and a miscarriage. I was hesitant about the 2nd as well, but I am so glad that I had her, and I love her as much as the first one- it is just so immediate once they arrive. I think that if you have any questions about it or any guilty feelings, then you would probably end up happiest if you had another one. Just my opinion, but I guess you have to go with what your gut tells you. You also have to consider your husband too, and if he really wants another, he might not feel like his life is complete without another one.
I also had many friend who were only children say that it was lonely and they wished they had a sibling- and they are now over 40, so that says a lot when they still feel like they missed out. It is such a personal decision, but I would say just go with what your gut tells you is right, and everything will work out as it should.

Good luck with your decision.

I celebrated my 40th birthday 5 months pregnant with child #2. My husband was 48. It was probably the hardest time in my life, giving up my career, staying at home, in the winter, in the dark, no family around, it was quite hard for me. But now, they are 3.5 and 5 years old and all's well. What I wanted with two, happened. They entertain each other, learn from each other, fights with each other, I would never throw sand in their eyes! But they will, and need to know how to deal with that. We travel everywhere, and they are great! I also think that, what your child knows, is all he knows. He will never "miss" a bro. or sis, because he never had one. Ask the people you know that are only children if they would rather it another way, I bet they say "no" mine do! so It is completely up to you! Either way you go, make up your mind and be happy with it, Lots of luck, L.

Ahhhh I can relate. I was lukewarm about having kids as well. I got married at 34, had my son at 35 and now I am 36 and he is 15 months old. He is the light of my life but my husband and I both struggle with whether or not we should have a second. I struggled with PPD and just the whole idea of returning to a part time job I don't like has been difficult. Juggling motherhood being a wife and a working mom has been overwhelming for me. I do want to have another for my son's sake. I can't imagine him not having sibling's to turn to. I have been praying about it and I will pray for you too!

Hi there,
Here is some advice from the other side. I am an only child and am happily married for 10 years. I had 2 miscarriages before having my daughter who is 4. WE thought very hard about having another one. My husband has a brother and thinks it is an important relationship, but we are both very happy with our family as it is now. As an only child, I was never lonely. I adored my parents, we did a lot of fun stuff as a family and I had many friends and relatives. I do remember as a child asking for siblings but I also understood that my life was pretty great as it was. My daughter will also ask for a baby occasionally but when I point out that this is our family and it is perfect as it is, she seems to understand. I think you have to make a decision that makes everyone happy, but giving your son a sibling is actually a bad reason for having a child. You need to want to have this child as well. I am sure you would love it, etc...but there are no guarantees that as they grew they would even like each other. There are many siblings who do not even get along as adults and the sibling just causes the other person a lot of grief. My 2 cents.

My children are five years apart and are very close. They are currently 4 and 9. They are both boys and play a lot with each other. I didn't have my second child until I was 43. I was sad when the second one didn't come along as quickly as I had hope. However, I think the age difference has been fine and in fact they do not compete against each other since they are in very different stages of growing up. My younger son tries to be like his big brother a lot and that make my older son feel good. Another thing is we were able to give both of them time as babies and preschoolers that I am not sure we would have been able to with two close in age.

Now that I have my wonderful sons and their age differnce I wouldn't have done it any other way.

M.-

I am sort of in your shoes. Except that I really do want baby 2. I am a little older. . . 42 and so is my husband. We have been trying for a while to get pregnant and after 18 months or so I just had a miscarriage. I have done a lot of soul searching and really know that I want number 2. My husband is a little less clear. He could go either way. . .

Anyway, I think having another child for your son's sake is not a good enough reason. You need to feel clear about this is your heart. Perhaps your lack of conception is your inner self (soul) manifesting it's intentions or needs. No judgement here. . . just my perspective.

If you decide that you really want another baby, you may want to do a systemic body cleanse and take some supplements that enhance your fertility. I have been taking something called pregnancy prep by vitanica, but there are several different things out there. . . something called fertilitea that a friend swears by.

There are more natural alternatives that are gentler on your body and pocketbook than in vitro.

I hope this helps.
Good luck to you. It is a hard choice that faces you.

Mara

Just because the age difference between your children could be 3+ more years, that doesn't mean trying would become pointless. I have a sibling 7 and even 10 years younger than me and I love it. I personally don't think you should give up but having another is obviously not going to make you very happy. It doesn't sound like your heart is in it at all and that will not be fair to your son, husband, and future child. You can't plan everything...age difference...time it will take to get pregnant again...etc. Plus, there are plenty of only children that are very happy with their lives and grow up that way. Ask the other moms who have only children.

Have you had a heart-to-heart discussion with your husband about this? You sound so uncertain about a second baby, especially now that all this time has passed. I'm sure he has his hopes up, but he may understand when you take into consideration all that you have been through and may have to endure (with invitro) to try for a 2nd child. Having said that, I have 2 sons, who are just over 3 years apart. I wanted them to be closer in age, but that didn't happen. But, the age difference has actually been a blessing for us. My older son is so caring and helpful with his youner brother, and they've developed a very special bond. I know many people who've been an only child and wished they had a sibling, but I think more importantly you need to do what is right for your own family. From reading your posting, it sounds like you are very happy with the size of your family. There's no perfect size for a family, and if 1 child works for you, then I hope your husband can understand that. I was in a similar situation, except it was my husband who initially thought he wanted just 1 child (although he told me this after our first child was born). I think his reasons were different than yours, but I knew I wanted a 2nd child (for similar reasons you listed). Of course my husband realized eventually that he wanted a 2nd child as well and is glad we have 2 kids. I can also appreciate your concern about your age and your husbands. Although lots of people have children at those ages, I would worry (for myself) about having another child at 38 (or 43), especially for the future. However, if you are healthy and happy, then maybe age shouldn't be the only deterrent. Good luck with whatever you decide, just make sure you and your husband have a good discussion about it.

Hi M., I understand your concerns I am also in the same boat. My son is 5.5 and due to severe allergies as an infant into the toddler years, which are now under control, we have decided on baby #2. I am 36 and was pregnant with #2 until I miscarried at 6 wks. I was so excited when I was pregnant, now I have the same concerns you mentioned all over again. My son loves other kids and babies it's not fair to him and breaks my heart when he asks when the baby is coming. We told him too early. My advice, stay strong and don't make yourself crazy about it. It will all work out. Good luck
M. W.

First off, having one or more is not a matter of being selfish, one way or the other. Most of us live with too many shoulds in our lives and I'm not convinced that's helpful.

Your story sounds so similar to ours. We had our son at 36 for me and 43 for my husband. Two to three years later, we started trying for a second child but it never happened. We tried ~6 months of fertility steps but decided to stop. We wanted a second but felt we were okay with just one and decided to accept what we naturally had. We felt at peace with the decision to stop.

We're now 11, 48, and 54. It's not the prevailing feeling, but there is a sadness of not having a second, for all of us at different times. For the most part we love our family as it is. We have great family time, can have nice one-on-ones with one parent or the other. But there will always be a little bit of loss at not having a second.

We make sure our son has plenty of playdates with friends. And he is directing that more as he gets older. But we also make sure he knows how to be alone, too. Plus, I truly believe that "family" is a matter of perspective. I feel close to my 5 siblings that are still alive, but "family" can be created by a circle of friends as well. People don't have to only be related to be "family".

In retrospect, my husband wanted two, more than me. He respected our decision to stop. But deep down we were always hopeful if I was ever a day or more late. We put a few things on hold "till the second arrived". My biggest caution would be to not do that.

What do you feel deep down at your core? Are you a person who makes a decision and then accepts it, or do you tend to revisit your decisions and question them later on? Think about all of that as you consider this decision.

Is adoption an option? For us, we didn't want to go that route. However, several people we know decided to adopt and have been delighted with that option for their first child or for additional children. On the flip side, my mom's parents were both in their late 40s when they had my mom and aunt, back in the 1920s. Not very common but doable. But be very aware that our energies are finite as we get older. Last example is my sister whose three kids are each 6 years apart from the next one. They are as close or as distant as any siblings can be. Years, in and of themselves, don't determine the closeness of siblings. It's the people themselves that connect or don't.

Unfortunately, I can't give you specific advice. But I totally get where you're coming from. I hope you are able to glean something from what everyone has written that helps inform your decision. Best of luck and peace in your decision!