My friend is having a 4th birthday party for her daughter next month. We attended her first and second party. Drama from 2nd birthday party but we got over it.
I simply don't want to go. Yes we are good friends but I have placed some healthy boundaries because her BFF is toxic and is influences my friend which I don't like the results so I've pulled back a bit in a subtle way as to not get hurt or create, contribute or start any drama.
I hate to tell a white lie but simply I am not going to say to her I am not coming to your daughter's party because I don't feel like it. It is a pool party and yes I am incredibly self consicous about my weight and being in a bathing suit. (Yep I know it shouldn't be about me but to bad LOL!) Nope I don't want anyone to see me especially the toxic BF. I do have a packed weekend (that particular weekend) with my DH being gone and I do have other friends I haven't seen in 4 years coming over for dinner the day she is to have this birthday party.
I am a people pleaser and have been doing my best to learn to say no. What do I do? No I haven't received the invitation yet. My inclination is to tell her before I get it that oh so sorry I would love to come to her birthday party but last minute friends are coming over I haven't seen in years and hope you can understand....Hope to celebrate with you next year for "Beth's" fifth birthday and send a gift.
Edit****
It's just she's talked about the birthday party so much so I am fully aware of all of her plans for it....She even asked me advice on what to serve what time was better to have it and to keep the date open etc....so I don't think she'll take the news very well. that's why I posted the question. No our kids are not close. No I can't tell her about her toxic BFF and no my husband doesn't like my friend because of the drama history. I know some of you have said wait until she invites you...guess what I know I am getting an invitation especially when she says save the date.
I sent an email asking to do lunch and BTW may not be able to attend party because of a conflict. Later had lunch and while I didn't go into great detail explained haven't seen my friends in 4 years and unfortunately, they're able to get together at the time your DD's party is taking place. So sorry...but you should receive her birthday gift any day. She took it better than I expected.
Thanks to all who responded!! :)
Why not a simple I'm so sorry but we already had plans that day work. Don't give her details.....keep it short and sweet.
"Sorry, but we have a very busy weeked and have already overscheduled it. Hope you have a nice time."
You just answered your own question: You already have a packed weekend. There is no white lie about that, it's the honest truth. Now, if you say, "I'd love to come...sure wish I could, but..." THAT'S a lie. Just say sorry, can't make it, packed weekend. That's a perfect response.
It's okay to just say NO...
I'm sorry we will not be able to attend....period...
You don't need an excuse. You don't even need to make an excuse or justify to us or yourself. You simple are not going to go. "We have other plans, but hope she has a wonderful party!"
Why would you think about telling her that you'll come next year when clearly you are not interested? That will just open up a can of worms for next year. Just tell her something came up, or your friends are coming over, and leave it at that. If the daughters are friends maybe you could have the little girl over for a playdate and give her a gift then. If they are not friends, then just leave it at that. Don't worry about what other people think, I was a people pleaser for years, but now I just say it how I feel. Do what is best for your family.
I'd just tell her the you already have plans that day and leave it at that. If she digs further tell her your having old friends over and leave it at that. If you don't make a big deal out of it, she won't either. Problem solved.
I'd be honest - sorry, but you can't make it because you've got out of town company
RSVP....I'm sorry but we have a conflict with that date. However. You are NOT obligated to give a reason as to why you can't attend.
A simple RSVP is all you need. Stand up tall and proud of yourself... You are not doing something wrong by declining an invite.
You don't "owe" an explanation.
Why even give a reason... simply RSVP "Can't that weekend!"
You've distanced yourself a little, and so it would be ok to say "I am sorry I won't be able to make it to the party this year" and leave it at that. Send the child a gift and forget about it.
If she is a friend, then you should be able to confront her and tell her how you feel about her BF. Don't call her ahead of time, and please do wait until she asks you. Who knows, she might not invite you this year after the way you have distanced yourself and because of the drama last time.
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I would wait until you get the invitation and then simply say, I'm sorry but we won't be able to make it...or thanks for the invitation but we won't be attending. We have had some neighbors in the past that I didn't allow my daughters to play at their house for reasons that I won't go into. When I told my daughters they couldn't play at their house any more they kept asking me why. I just told them, we're just not gonna play at their house anymore but you can play with them if they come to our house If they kept pressing I would say that I believe in Mary Poppins philosophy-I don't explain anything! Lol There's nothing wrong with declining because that is your right and you don't have to explain. Sometimes explaining/lying can get you in more trouble and a lot of times people can tell when your making up little white lies just to be polite. HTH Good luck!
Oh, DON'T say that you hope to celebrate her fifth as well! You could just say you're sick on the day and don't want to spread it to everyone?
Something that I have to tell myself--don't create a problem where there isn't one...yet. She hasn't even invited you. Maybe she will; maybe she won't, for the same reasons that you have for not wanting to go. Anyway, there's no invitation to decline, so don't do it. That would call more attention to your absence, if you call in advance to say, "Hey, you know that party that you're gonna have that you haven't even told me about yet? Yeah, well, I won't be there."
Should she ask, then you can let her know that you have already got that weekend mapped out and won't make it.
EDIT: Okay, okay, so she knows that you know. If your calendar is full, then it's just full. Period. "We've got a lot of stuff going on that day." And you've got to get your house ready for your company.
My sister has taught her kids and she does this all the time: She and they just say 'sorry I can't come' without an explanation. If you are pushed, then just go ahead and come up with something, but it should be real. I remember one girl once told me she wasn't coming to our party because she had a banking appointment with a lawyer or something impossible on a sunday afternoon. If it is a summer party, yes people have things to do all the time. You might have to go out of town, etc. I myself am weary of parties and sales gatherings in homes. I do not have the time anymore. I am learning to say no. But if it is something big (like a wedding or something) and it would really hurt, then you have to pick and choose if you won't go. If you want to remain friends with this person and just don't want to be at the party, make an alternate plan. Otherwise life is short and you can decide if you need to carry around guilt for the rest of your life over not going.
It sounds like you are not really enjoying your friendship with her. Otherwise, you would not be posting this question. Sometimes in life, we have to decide if a friendship is worth our time. I really don't think there needs to be a big conversation because it is a problem you are having with her best friend. I would just say on the day of the party that you are not feeling well. Leave it at that. You are not feeling well..because you are stressing about it. If it makes you feel better, buy a gift for the child and plan to give it after the party. My mom's motto as far as things we say to others.....only say it if it is TRUE, KIND, and NECESSARY.....here it may be true, maybe not too kind, and in my opinion...not necessary really...it is just a kid birthday party. Birthday parties are overrated! Good Luck
