".Do You Tell Your Good Friends Their Kids Are Rude?

Honestly, I would start sending her home. IF I tell her twice and she still won't listen then I would march her butt right home and let her know that when she is ready to follow the rules of my home she can come back. She acts that way because her own parents give into her, and she thinks the world owes her whatever she wants. The sooner she learns that the world does not revolve around her, the better off she will be.

You need to buy the mom the book 1,2,3 magic. They need it. As for the little girl the next time she's over tell her point blank we have rules if you don't follow them you can't come over any more. And stick to it. She's screaming for some boundaries.

She's 9, not a toddler. You can enforce your house rules in your house. The next time she comes to your house, you tell her that she needs to follow the rules in your house, and if she can't, she'll have to go home. Then, just like you would with your kids, you have to follow through on that. If she's on the counter, you say "In our house, we don't stand on the counter. Get down now." If she doesn't, take her home. At that point, you can tell her mom "I'm sorry, but she would not listen to me so I had to bring her home." Just stick with some variation of "I know the kids are sad the playdate had to end early, but I can't allow kids to stay who won't listen. It's not safe."

I would not say ONE WORD about your friend's parenting style. 1) Different people have different parenting styles and that's ok. 2) The child is old enough to understand that different places have different rules. At home, she follows her parents' rules. At school she follows school rules. At your house, she follows your rules. As long as you are clear and consistent with your rules and consequences, I think you can make headway with this at your house.

It is still doing to be a problem when you are out with the other mom, because clearly this child knows that she can get her way by nagging her mom. But as long as her mom allows it, there is not a thing you can do about it.

If a child was at my house and acted rudely, I called her out on it, and she wasn't invited back.
If a child was at a venue on my dime and acted rudely, I called her out on it, and she was not invited on future outings.

I think if it's an ongoing problem and you often watch this girl and she is a problem to you, you need to say *something* to the mother. It may not be easy to hear but if it's a constant problem your choices are to limit interactions or speak up, IMO.

My DD has a friend who is a good friend's kid. However the kid annoys me in that she never wants to stay at anything. I only accept invites where it doesn't matter and where my DD would not be disappointed if her friend left suddenly (this kid will announce she's done or bored and her parents just pack up, regardless of the event. Sometimes we get there and they've already left without telling us). I haven't said much other than "I think our girls have different energy levels" because it's not a family we see frequently.

If this mom is truly your friend, look her in the eye when she laughs it off and say, "No, Judy, your daughter's behavior is a problem. I'm trying to tell you this as your friend. Please don't laugh it off. My children are coming to me in tears and I would appreciate it if you took this seriously."

My SD was the bossy kid when she was 8-10 and we sat her down more than once to say when her friends come over she is expected to be kind, and if she is not being kind and cooperative, they will go home. I forget now the infraction, but we canceled a sleepover when SD could not behave and took the other girl home to prove our point. We had another time where SD hid someone's shoes and made everyone late because she thought she would be "funny". SD was not allowed there for a while because the mom was mad. The behavior you describe is not funny at 5 and certainly not funny at 9.

There are also families where we no longer socialize much with the kids together. We choose instead to socialize with the parents because the kids are not friends, but the parents are. Hard to get a sitter sometimes, but that's for the best. I think not suggesting parent-only events will lead to the end of the adult friendship (as happened with my DH when he shied away from a couple due to their son and lost touch vs saying, "The boys don't really get along anymore, but I want to still hang out. How about we go to a movie without the kids?")

ETA: If the venue was largely for something else and happened to have video games, then I agree with the OP that no money was needed. I've been at bowling alleys, skating rinks and laser tag places where the party was the activity and I did not feel badly at.all. telling my DD no, it was not time for video games.

Nothing you can do when she comes and begs money from her mom.

In your house, with the Lego clean up, you can turn off the movie she wants to watch until the work is done. If she backtalks you, you can sit her down and say that kids in your house DO NOT talk back like that. If she does it again, put her in the car and take her home without multiple threats. Just do it. In my view, she's getting too many chances - she nags and nags her mother until her mother gives in, so she's learned that nagging and screaming about her boredom WORKS. So she does the same thing with you. The only choice is to NOT let it work.

Then you scale back the visits/play dates and encourage your daughter to invite less dramatic friends who aren't so high maintenance. It's not your job to spoil this kid because her mom is not around. I know plenty of kids with working moms who don't act like that and whose moms don't give in out of guilt. This mom is handicapping her child by not giving her discipline and structures and expectations. You don't have to help her do that.

I agree with what AV said - "it's not working out, the child's behavior is a problem, and your kids are in tears all the time. Maybe she can come back in 6 months or a year when she matures and has more respect. I'm not telling you how to parent, I'm just telling you what I cannot allow in my home."

I would absolutely want to know if my kids were not behaving when they are at someone else's house.
But you know your friend best. How do YOU think she would handle it?
"Sarah, I love you and think you are fantastic. Have you noticed lately thought that your daughter's behavior has become......rude and defiant?" Then go from there.
UM.....Just because someone is growing up in a 2 parent household does not mean they will be good people. Just sayin'.

Ok, I sort of skimmed half way through. I have recently been through this the last year. A new family at church befriended us and since we were both home, we started to hang out. VERY long story short, her 7 yo daughter is like this. One of the first times we were over at her house in the pool, she actually SPIT IN HER MOMS FACE. I was beyond shocked and her mom just laughed it off. Then another time when I was in the pool with the kids alone, I said to this girl, thanks for not splashing me (I hate it when kids are right next to you splashing in your face) and she looked me in the eye and JUMPED in the pool literally right in front of me, drenched me and then smiled and swam away when she came up for air. I couldn't believe it. Well, I could, because by then I had seen how this mom handled, or more like, didn't handle her kids. I thought at first my kids and myself could be a good example. I tried to casually hint at disciple that helped with my kids and she just wasn't getting it. Same whiney, disrespectful behavior you mentioned. After the pool issue, I texted her and said I had to talk to her about anna and to call me when she had a minute. I was honest with her and told her I was not only concerned that she would purposely disrespect an adult like that because frankly most people just would stop being friends with them because of that, but I was also concerned about how her friends are going to treat her when she get older. I told her you think it's cutesie when she's little but it turns bratty and then bitchy as she gets older and someone, someday will put her in her place, either verbally or physically. So I firmly told her I was concerned and she needed to get her under control. She said I was right, I told her some things I would start with and then I sort of started to distance myself. It frankly stressed me out and then my kids started to be affected. My son and her son ended up being very close so it was really hard to do that but I kept using examples to my kids and situations that weren't good and they agreed with me. Thankfully my prayers were answered and her husband got a job 2 hours away so they are moving this month. No one is perfect, especially kids, but there is only so much you should put up with before you either say something to the parents to make them understand, or encourage your kids to spend more time with other kids who treat them like a good friend would. JMO. I would say something to the mom. Good luck.

A., you can be stern with your own kids; it should be easy for you to be stern with this girl.

No point in talking to the parents, they are obviously not capable or don't understand that they have the power to correct this.

When she is at your house, just make it very clear to this girl what the expectations are. You don't say what you did when the girl didn't get off the counter after you said, "Right now, get down," but your next statement should have been, "GET OFF THE COUNTER, NOW!"

It takes a village. If anyone can discipline this girl, you can. You don't need to cut off the relationship or try to change the parents, just set the boundaries in your own house.

Oh my daughter had a friend like that at this age. I told this kid that we had rules in our house and everyone had to live by them. I did send her home a couple of tomes and she finally caught on. My situation was a little different because I wasn't friendly with her mother.

Personally, I would have been more frustrated with the Mom than the child.

I think it is time to start backing away. You will have you hands full when they are teenagers!!! If this young girl doesn't listen now, she won't when she's older. Disaster in the making.

I did not read the whole post, sorry, it's long.

But if kids are not using manners in my house or around my kids, I absolutely have no problem to tell them how we operate in my house. Manners prevail and I expect politeness out of others as well. I don't much care if my friends are right there or not. I also don't mind to tell the parents "little Johnny was using foul language, so we had him apologize and he sat out for 5 minutes" or something like that. When kids come to our house, we know the parents well enough that they know what we expect. They also know we treat our kids friends like our own, for the most part. Kids coming to our house we are comfortable enough with to treat them like our own.

I think it is time to find some new friends for your daughter to play with. You have had nothing but heartache and aggravation from this family.

Make plans to meet with the parents minus the daughter. If she asks why you tell her in the best way possible as to why.

When I was little I was not perfect. But I don't recall doing what I was supposed have done by a parent and I got put on punishment and could not play with the kids in the family. My mom was upset with me and I had to learn through the consequence.

If someone doesn't tell her, her daughter is going to come home with a bloody nose or a busted lip because someone else's child is going to put her in her place and not think another thing about it. Or she will have no friends for a very long time which could be a lonely life.

Our time on earth is too short for all the drama. Children have to learn manners and respect. Parents have to be leaders to teach and guide their children by example and must follow through on anything they say good or bad.

Good luck to you.

the other S.

PS I would not want her around my children by her actions as I would not want them rubbing off on my children and damaging my hard work in parenting.

ETA The paint studio and the kitchen counter would have been the end of her in my house. I would not want to be responsible for her either falling or getting ill off of chemicals because she did not want to listen in my home. Busy mom with issues needs to find a way to spend more time with daughter and say NO and mean it. I am with the other who stated that I would have been swatted into the middle of next week over the antics she pulled.

Sounds like you're very good at being firm and setting boundaries, that's great! Practice saying "or you will go home". You can help Dora put away the legos now or you can go home. You need to get off the counter right now or you can go home. You can stop arguing with me immediately or you can go home. Then call her mom every.time you send her home and tell her why - I gave Swiper the choice of helping to clean up her mess or going home and she chose to come home, etc etc.

It might help to have a house rules meeting with the girls the next time she comes over. Just say I know we do things differently here than you do at your house so I want to make sure you understand the rules. Then lay them out and explain if she chooses not to follow them she'll have to go home.

To me the situation sounds like a "perfect storm" scenario - extremely strong-willed child coupled with laid back, indulgent parents who cave to her whims ultimately (which only reinforces the behavior). Not to mention, if her mom is working alot she probably feels guilty which means more indulgent parenting.

I wouldn't say anything to them, but I would continue with my boundaries. At some point her behavior may push you to limit contact - which is the natural consequence of her behavior and her parents' failure to address it.

I wouldn't look for this to get better anytime soon.

If you really wanted to go out on a limb with her parents and give them your thoughts, you could do so, but be aware that it could backfire on you.

JMO.

My daughter, who is ADHD-Combined, has impulse control issues, so I understand what it's like to manage a difficult child. There have been many interrupted conversations in this child's lifetime. BUT! These interruptions are always met with, "Do not interrupt. You have to wait for the grown-ups to be done talking unless it's an emergency." And a fit is immediately met with banishment to another room (or in the case of being at a bounce-house party, we would leave immediately. Mama doesn't play that).

But I have 9+ years of experience dealing with this child, and 24/7 experience in not giving an inch, lest she take a mile. I recognize that other parents whose kids are neurotypical do not have this experience with their own kids, and as such, I let them know before any playdate that my child can at times be difficult, and that I do not mind at all if they need to put her in a time out (and also that if she is presenting a problem, I will immediately come get her). Other parents always seem appreciative of that, though I'm pleased to say that generally, my kiddo is able to hold herself together when with other families, as long as the playdate isn't overly long.

I'd be utterly mortified if the situation you described took place with my child. What IN THE WORLD was the mother thinking giving the child money after all of that?! Gah! In my world, that meltdown would have been met with, "Put your shoes on. We're leaving." (Followed by my child going into total hysterics, I'm sure... but whatever. I'm not inflicting this behavior on innocent bystanders!)

If it were me, I would appreciate knowing if my child were misbehaving, and that someone else was having a hard time managing her. This would give me the opportunity to review behavior expectations with my daughter: "B, Mrs. Smith says that you talked back to her while you were at her house. You know that is disrespectful, and as a result, now you will lose xyz privilege." It doesn't sound like the mother in question will do anything of the sort to curb the behavior, which is a shame. But she should still understand why her daughter is receiving fewer invitations to come over. Maybe it will encourage her to learn how to manage her child? Ugh.

These kinds of kids aren't invited back for sleepovers. One of my daughter's friends is somewhat like this and I have to be very firm with her. She wanted to do something with my daughter during one visit that I felt was unsafe (walk somewhere unsupervised when it was getting dark - they are 11) and I had to tell her NO about 4-5 times before she gave up. She asked why, I told her my reason and she still wouldn't let it go. There isn't much you can do, other than be firm when you are with them and limit the time you have to watch her. I'd probably start doing more short activities with the entire family and limit the sleepovers and stressful times. You can also go out one on one with the mom, since she seems like a better friend to you than her daughter is to your daughter. I wouldn't tell her that he daughter is rude, but I would continue to lead by example.

First of all I do NOT agree that you should have passed out money for video games. We go to trampoline places and there has never been time for video games because the kids are having way too much fun. And no means no, so who cares.

I have been in your situation. One is with someone I've been friends with for 28 years. I actually "enjoy" having naughty kids around my own kids so that I can use it as teaching moments. Now my kids will just look at me and shake their head if a kid is being bad. Later we discuss how naughty the kid was and what the parent should have done, it's funny to listen to them talk about it.

My advice is that you need to send this girl home a few times after she defies your rules. That typically fixes the problem.

Another option is to limit exposure. And final option is to lay it on the mom. You can even ask her if she is ok disciplining her kid. I have told all my close friends that if they ever see my child out of line that I expect them to step in. With my friend of 28 years, I've disciplined her son many times right in front of her. He does respect me more than his own mother which is very sad. And I have told him many times that he will respect me or he cannot spend time with my kids because I don't want them learning his bad behavior.

A., you're a saint. I don't know how you have put up with this.

To be honest, I would no longer do things with this girl when her mother is around. I would only see the mother on your own.

And no, I would absolutely not have placated this child with giving her money at this place. If the mother wanted to do that, that was HER call. The problem is that she said no the first time and then caved when her daughter acted badly. All she is doing is rewarding her daughter for her poor behavior. Don't YOU reward it, too.

I would not accept playdates if I could not end the playdate early and send the girl home when she starts to defy you or acts inappropriately. I would do this every single time she starts stuff.

I would no longer put up with any inappropriate behavior in your home and I wouldn't take her ANYWHERE. She needs to start to understand her place. Who's going to teach her? Her mom? No. Either you hold her feet to the fire with firm expectation, or you don't have her to your house anymore. You wait until her mom asks you why, and then you tell her the truth. You tell her that her daughter is too disrespectful and you won't allow it anymore. That you care about her and that part of that caring is to expect her to behave. That when she starts this stuff, you will send her home until she figures it out.

You would be doing her mother a favor, as well as the girl. The mother needs to open her eyes. You can do it with love. But you need to do it.

A. J., you are being a lot more patient with this child than I would be. I would have sent her home and not allowed her to come back once I figured out this was her normal course of behavior. I had a similar situation with a similar type of parent (nice, involved in a million things). I told her about her child and you know what happened? Nothing. Your neighbor's daughter needs someone to pay attention to her and teach her appropriate behavior, but it seems like her parents are enjoying their various jobs and volunteer work more than they are teaching and disciplining their daughter. I understand, because there are many times when I'd rather be doing other things than correcting my children's behavior. I would take steps to limit this girl's presence in your home and around your children. If the family asks why, then just explain that she's not following the rules in your house and it's affecting your children. End of story. They won't do anything until they decide themselves that it's a problem they want to tackle. You bringing it up will only sound like you are criticizing their parenting skills.

Wait till they are teens. You will say to your daughter, no honey, you are too young to go out with those boys to a dance club/concert/whatever. That friend of hers will then work on convincing her when your back is turned to sneak out later that night. She is a kid who does not respect authority and does not take no for an answer. Her mom has helped feed this behavior by giving in and by not giving consequences when her child keeps on asking and being rude. Would I risk the friendship? This is hard. I would probably spend less time with them and I'd keep my daughter busy with other friends. The times you are with them I would lead by example, remain firm and calm, and expect this little girl to follow by your rules. When she does not she must leave immediately. I have done this with neighborhood kids and let me tell you...they have much better behavior the next time they come over. I would plan on getting together with just your friend...with no kids. Eventually your friend is sure to ask you what is up. Even if you explain it very gently you still are going to risk your friendship. This is a hard decision to make. I feel this way about my nephew. Thank goodness we only see them about twice a year. My nephews do not get consequences most of the time...especially the youngest one who is 9. He has the worst behavior. He refuses to do what is asked, laughs at adults, defies adults, talks back, refuses to eat what is served every meal, and gets physically aggressive with the other cousins. My son often gets hurt from this little boy pushing, kicking, punching or slapping. His mom (my SIL) does nothing except perhaps a gentle talking to. His grandma (my MIL) does nothing. They dote on him and grandma makes him his own special meals because he is so picky. It's maddening. His bad behavior rubs off on my youngest child who will start to copy some of the things he does. And my MIL does not understand why I will not send my kids to her house in the summer when she is watching them. I believe if I said what I really think to my SIL that she would feel attacked by me and would not want a relationship with me. She would feel judged. What I would say is that this child needs consequences each and every time he acts like this and that she babies him and gives in and ignores his bad behavior. And by doing this she just encourages him to act more and more like this. I really really dislike being around my nephew. I can tell that most family members dislike being around him.

i had to end up skimming, but i think i've got the gist. and in general, no, unless you're willing to have the relationship wither away, your best bet is to limit exposure, keep re-affirming your own boundaries in a pleasant, relentlessly no-nonsense sort of way, and let your friend parent as best she can.
at most you could say 'how would you like me to handle it when mariposa does XYZ?'
and try not to add any irresistible-but-judgmental addenda like 'my kids know that NO means NO so i'm at a loss when mariposa screeches and demands like she just did.'
in most cases it wouldn't be worth it to me to continue to attempt to hang out with 'em. but this mom sounds as if she's very dear to you. i'd try to spend more time with her, less with her bratty kid, but sigh and stay calm and firm when i had to.
i don't think i'd go overboard trying to romance her, as the last paragraph indicates. you certainly don't want to be mean or overt in your dislike, but kids pick up on 'fake' super-fast. don't go there.
khairete
S.

Hey mama, I'm real close to a girl too and our kids play together. From the get go we've always treated each other's kids how we treat our own. I remember mentioning to her and also asking her if it was okay to discipline if needed and for her to do the same for mine. Then I'd tell her examples of bad behavior and told her what I did, just to see what she thought even after the fact. Like with all that whining business, I would've told mom/your friend later when she picked her up....
"When I gave out snacks today, she didn't get one bc she asked me repeatedly for it when I told her it wasn't time yet...so if she says she's hungry...that's why!...I'm sorry if she's hungry but all that whining and begging doesn't work well here". That's what *I'd* say. But I'd say something for sure if I were you, whether it is similar to that or not. They may know it's a prob but they should know, coming from a loving unconditional friend, that her daughter's behavior isn't received well at other people's houses.... I've told my friend I mentioned above that no, I don't like the behaviors, but I love her & the kids and thought she should know if her kids behaved that way at someone's house that DIDN'T love them, it would be bad.
Just my two cents honey. Good luck! :)

Uh...don't agree that it was your bad to not provide money for games.
That's ridiculous. Trampoline parks are pricey and 2 hours fly by when we go. (I'm mean too! I point out the water fountains when mine wants a Gatorade! Lol)

Tough situation especially since you're neighbors, you love the mom AND ages your daughters BFF.

Although tougher for you, I would keep the direct talk with the mom in my back pocket for an extreme (dangerous, mean) situation and I would continue to clamp down on her while she's in your care.
Mine is 12-even the 11-13 year old boys visiting here folliw our times or they get told and 99.9% comply right away.

Good luck, A.!

I've always been one to have rules, no matter who it is, in our house and if we're out. You can't have some kids who get away breaking them, and then expect your kids to have to follow them. That's not fair to your kids or you. I always say "ok, well at THIS house we do this ..." and kids fall into line.

I do give kids warnings, because families can be very laid back and allow a lot of things our family doesn't - so kids don't always know. We're pretty laid back but some families are totally ok with kids jumping all over furniture, etc. So I let them know how it works here, then it would be a warning, then it would be home. We've never had to do anything past a warning before. And that was for our pool. Kids HAVE to follow the rules in the pool so maybe that's how I got good at enforcing them and being tough. That's a safety issue. I just don't have the patience to have one set of rules for my kids, and another for guests.

As for talking to the mom, sounds like you don't want to, otherwise you would have. I'm guessing you sense it would not be well received.

As for the money for video games, we tend to give all the same (small) amount or none at all. I agree with you - you didn't need to supply money for that. The trampolines were more than enough. I think it's kind of universal at least one kid at a party will bug you if they see an arcade so I typically come prepared (five bucks for everyone).