Okay ladies I need your help. This may be long so let me appologize up front. lol A little background for you...my sister was unable to have children and adopted two kids about 3 years ago. The girl is now 10 and the boy is 9. It was a special needs adoption as these kids were from an abusive family. Anyway, my son (12) and daugther (8) had been the only grandkids for over 5 years when these two came along and now get pushed aside because these two need the "extra attention". I know these kids have problems that aren't their fault, but I hate for my kids to be around them and my kids do too. These kids have been exposed to way too many adult situations in their lifetimes and they take it upon themselves to share those details with my kids. I really don't think my 8 year old needs to be hearing about how "sex is no big deal" from her 10 year old cousin, but that's the type of things she is telling my daughter. Both of their kids are in therapy and they use that an excuse to not disipline them because it is "too traumatic" and "brings up too much from their past."
Today I found out that my neice had taken my daughter's phone when we had to go to their house for a birthday party. She did at least return the phone at school, but not before she used it during the day to take over 60 pictures of her classroom, teacher (when she wasn't looking) and her friends. She even made phone calls and sent text messages. She even went so far that she deleted my daughter's contacts and added her own! I've talked to my sister about it and she is furious! Now whether anything will be done or not is still to come.
So, here's my perdicament..my daughter is having a birthday sleepover in a few weeks with a few of her friends. House isn't big enough for the entire class and I don't think I could handle that many 9 year olds at once. :) My question is do we have to invite my niece? They go to the same school, but they are in different grades and have different friends. Since I'm only letting my daughter invite a few people, should I make her include this cousin in the head count? When I mentioned it she wasn't happy at all about her having to be there and quite frankly I'm not either. I can only imagine what stunts she will pull or things she will tell these other little girls since she will be the oldest and will think she's in charge. I hate to think what the other parents will say or that they will keep their kids away from my daughter if their kids are told inappropriate things at this sleepover. Obviously I will be there, but it's not like I'm going to hover the entire time so I can't monitor everything that gets said. Help!!!
No, I would not invite her. If the subject comes up, "I'm sorry, it's just for a few of my daughter's closest classmates" If you're up to it, you can have a little family brunch or something to invite the relatives to. The cousins can come to the family gathering.
I wouldn't, for the reasonable concerns you have. Talk quietly to your sister about this ahead of time, and keep the party and the guest list as private as possible.
Also, consider having another small party for immediate family so cousin can be included in. If she hears about the sleepover and makes a stink about not being invited, just handle it as calmly as you can. I think you can tell her honestly that only a few close classmates were invited because that's all the space you have.
I sympathize about the cousin. I foster-parented an extremely dysfunctional 13yo for close to a year, and what was 'normal' behavior based on her life experience was way beyond the pale. My daughter finally became desperate and begged us to send this girl on. We tried so hard, got counseling and everything, and the foster child made absolutely no progress. I finally gave up for my daughter's sake.
No, I don't think she has to invite this cousin. Your daughter wants to invite a few friends from school so that they can have some time together, they don't need an older cousin in the mix. I'm sure she has plenty of opportunity to see this cousin, but not necessarily these friends.
I didn't invite my cousins over for sleepovers with my friends...
I agree that if this were to be a daytime party the cousin should be invited. But because it's a sleep over; and you're right, you can't hover for every last second of it, I say don't invite the cousin. You are not only looking out for your daughter, but the other parents are putting their trust in you to look over their children too. I would be upset if my child were exposed to something inappropriate without my being there or being warned ahead of time. It is very unfortunate, and so so sad, that this your niece's birth parents have created such a mess that the rest of her life will be a struggle, and I think you should include her in as much family time as you can to show her what real love is... but not to the possible detriment of other people's kids. It is their decision to make, who or what they expose their children to.
Absolutely not. I think it is commendable that your sister has adopted these kids and it's wonderful that she is trying to change their lives, but it doesn't have to be at the expense of your children's childhood. Sorry, I know that sounds cold, but your children come first.
If your daughter doesn't want her there, she doesn't have to invite her. It is HER birthday, it is all about HER on that day!
Let your sister know that you are trying to keep the party small and managable. She may be mad, but I'm hoping she's mature enough to understand eventually. Good luck!
Ah no she is not obligated to at all. Its your perogative and since this niece has issues you have every right to put your foot down and say no. Whether you are close to your sister or not and if she were to ask you straight up about it I would be honest. Have a family dinner that includes the extended fam...The party is your daughter's not the niece's.
Since your daughter and niece aren't that close and your niece isn't the same age as your daughter or the other girls, I think it would be understandable not to invite her.
I would say no she does not have to invite her. If you feel like your sister will feel she's been slighted, have a 'family only' celebration with cake and ice cream and if she asks why she wasn't invited, tell her that you told your daughter she could choose a few of her classmates (or best friends if they are not in the same class) and leave it at that. I'd think your sister would understand that if it's a sleepover and they aren't great (or even good) friends that she may not be invited. If it was just a party and different kids / different ages ,then I would think it may upset her and that would make sense. But overall it's her birthday and she gets to choose who she wants to.
no you dont have to invite her. its your daughters party she picks who she wants to come end of story
In my opinion, I don't think your daughter should or have to invite her cousin. It's her party with her friends. Secondly, her cousin is older than her and they don't get along too much. You want the least amount of problems as the parent of the birthday girl. Girls will fight, not too many parties have i been too without someone mad at someone else. However, when there is a close friends it's usually better to handle.
I would talk with your sister. I know your your niece and nephew aren't blood related, but they are still your family. These poor children have been through a lot at such young ages, of course they know things that your children don't. Love them and maybe when something comes up like your niece telling your daughter about sex, that isn't appropriate. Remember they are still children and a lot of their childhood was stolen from them.
Good Luck on the slumber party, you'll need a vacation after wards...
I would not invite the cousin. With the negative behavior, and the fact that you said they are in different grades with different friends, I think it would be totally acceptable to not include the cousin. And, with it being a slumber party, it makes sense that it would be restricted to just a few of your daughters closest friends. It is your daughters birthday party and she should have people there that she enjoys and has fun with! Just my two cents.... Good luck!
I would not include the cousin for the sleepover. Especially, if your daughter doesn't want her there. I would probably have cake and ice cream at a later date and invite the family to help your daughter celebrate her birthday then.
Clearly this is a sticky situation. I'm not sure what I would do in your position, but I generally err on the side of inclusion. First off, I get that these kids are older and are sharing some inappropriate info, but I do think their existence in your family is an excellent way to teach diversity and how to overcome adversity. That being said, I think I would sometimes be frustrated by their behavior and/or "oversharing". However, they are family, and these kids do need to learn about how families work and that families love, so as hard as it is, I think maybe you should invite her...
I also had the though of maybe talking with your sister and suggesting maybe she come for some cake, presents and not sleep over, but that's kind of harsh too. I don't know...this is a tough decision. I think you have to really think about how you would want your daughter to be treated in a similar situation and trust your instincts, maybe the two thoughts are in disagreement, but you have to do what you think is right, whatever the decision might be.
No, I would not invite her cousin - you have every justified reason in the world not to and if your sister asks why, I would just let her know that after the things that have been said and done to your daughter, you are not comfortable having her over for a sleepover with a bunch of your daughter's classmates. It's just like you said - this girl could say or do something inappropriate and all the girls will tell their parents and they might not want their girls to be friends with your DD or come to your house anymore. Sparing the feelings of your sister and her daughter is not worth all that.
Nope ... wouldn't invite the cousin! Have a family dinner for your daughter's birthday and invite cousin to that -- but the party is for your daughter!
AbsoIutely not. I would not invite the cousin to a sleepover with a few close friends. A big, short birthday party where the whole class was invited, perhaps. But this should be enjoyable for the birthday girl. When space is limited, why in the world invite a girl in a different class and grade whom your daughter doesn't like, much less even consider a best friend? When I was a little girl I got along great with all my cousins who lived in my town. But I never invited them to my birthday parties. Those were only for my best friends.
No, I would just invite her friends then if it comes up later tell your sister it was just a small get together and just happened. I would not call it a birthday party or anything like that. Have a family birthday party that the other kids come to.
Perhaps you can do some research on the topics of how to deal with kids from abusive homes and adoption. It may help you all deal with the things that are sure to come up. Knowledge is a way to be able to prepare your kids for the lifetime of interaction they are sure to have.
This is your daughter's sleep over - She should invite who she wants to have. You can defuse this by having a "family" birthday celebration at an earlier/different time. You might consider that part of your daughter's dislike of her cousin may be an attempt to stay on your good side. It sounds as if your dislike for your niece and nephew is practically palpable. Imagine, just for a moment that you were in your sister's shoes - unable to have children, finally having a chance to make a positive difference in the lives of two innocent (but damaged) youngsters and your family makes it clear that they don't like the children. - Just imagine how it might feel . . .
Nope, do not have to invite them to the party. In our family once daughter was old enough to have these parties that were over night, we would have a family only celebration.. sometimes a dinner with cake and sometimes just meet for ice cream at an ice cream shop..
don't invite the cousin. if anything is said tell your sister that you thought that her daughter wouldn't have liked it because they were all younger girls then hers and that you thought she might think that what the girls talked about was babyish. you can't take a chance on her coming in and telling the other girls about adult things. i would be very angry if my daughter was put in a situation like that at a sleepover. maybe telling your sister the truth will do more good then harm. she needs to wake up.. these kids need to know that this is wrong going around talking like that. they need to know that what they saw growing up is not acceptable behavior let alone saying it doesn't mean anything. they need to learn the right way to treat the other sex. i hope your sister can bring herself to having a really good talk with both children before they get much older. good luck, R.
As hard as it will be for you, I say, "no," she shouldn't be there. Your sister will get mad, which is understandable, but you will just have to stand your ground that right now, her daughter says inappropriate things to your daughter when they're alone, and you don't want the responsibility of her saying inappropriate things to your daughter's friends at the sleepover; that you're sorry it has to be that way, but hopefully the "therapy will kick in soon," and she'll be over the inappropriate sex talk by next birthday party, when she'll be welcome to come. But that just because this girl was exposed to "adult situations", doesn't give her the right to vicariously involve your daughter and her friends in that. And if this girl needs therapy to get over her inappropriate involvement in this, is your sister wanting *your* daughter to need therapy by being dragged into inappropriate involvement at this age?
I would say no she shouldn't have to invite the cousin. the cousin should be invited to the family birthday party if you have one but your daughter should have only her friends from school at her party. don't make her invite the cousin
100% no-do not invite the niece. It would be irresponnsible for you to expose other children to her in the privacy of a sleepover. Who knows what your niece will tell them. And if it were me I would have a long talk with my sister about this situation. Tell her you would like for you kids to be friends but under these circumstances you will not be able to let the children be alone together. All interaction will have to be monitored until you can be sure that her kids are progressing.
While most of the time I'm big about family and not excluding them from things, in this instance I would have to say not to invite her. She's older than your daughters friends and much too "mature". I think in the end no one would have any fun and that's not fair to your daughter. However, I would have a regular party (even if it's just for family members) with cake and stuff that I would invite your niece & nephew to so they're not totally left out.
That's similar to what I do with my family. I have a large family and I don't necessarily want that many children and adults wandering around unless I was having a big BBQ! So I often have something just for us on the day of the bday, a family party and then something for the child and their chosen guests. That way it doesn't put too much pressure on everyone and we all enjoy it. For instance, last year my oldest daughter wanted a tie-dye party. So I used my family party as the "practice" party and then I had a better understanding of what I needed to do for my daughter's other party when I had 6 little girls running around and only 2 other adults! :D Everyone had a blast, and no one felt left out. :)
On the other hand, if your sister insists you invite her, do so but as soon as she does/says something totally inappropriate home she goes. She does need to know how to interact in settings such as this and she has a lot to learn but she can't have total leeway to do whatever she wants. I understand she comes from a traumatic past but your sisters choice to not discipline her will not help her in the end. Good luck!
