Divorce...how To Tell the Kids.

He's divorcing you - not the kids. There's no reason he can't see them or come to their games. His not being there will speak volumes without a word being said. The 'truth' is, Daddy's got a screw loose and wants to play guilt, manipulation, and use-the-kids-as-pawns games as a way of getting back at you for what ever reason (real or imaginary) he's dreamed up. This will become 'he-said she-said' for many years to come.

A more positive more win-win approach to that of putting the kids into a awful position of determining who's right or wrong, who's the good parent and the bad, it's his fault not mine, etc.......................
Would be to sit the kids down and talk to them. Tell them that although Mom and dad still like and care about each other, you don't love each other like a married couple anymore. So Mom and dad are going to live in different homes, BUT BOTH OF US WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU, AS WE WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!!!!

And something such as, "sometimes married people fall out of love, but parents never ever stop loving thier children".

Hope this helps.

Family counseling is not just for "saving" a marriage, but could be helpful for the two of you establishing a new relationship as co-parents who no longer have romantic intentions toward each other. I would say that the children (well, the older ones) would benefit from a structured, outside environment in which to deal with the restructuring of their "family." That way they don't burst into tears every time you ask them to have a seat in the living room because that is where they learned their family is ending.

Your husband needs to acknowledge that the issues the two of you have should not be laid on your kids. They will have enough of their own issues. If he is not ammenable to counseling (again to ease transitions, not to save the marriage) then I would contact a court mediator immediately. They often can save a lot of money and help keep things more congenial during divorce, but may help determine some of the perameters if the split.

Bottom line is that the two of you are obviously far from on the same page about how to proceed. Find an outside source to help before you start involving your children.

I think you're method is the better one. And as to your husband feeling that this is a lie, it isn't. It is merely economising with the truth, which is a good thing around children. I was brought up in a family which told we children EVERYTHING!!! This was horrible and very distressing for us all. We were unable to cope with and comprehend most of what we were "explained".

I would hope for the kids' sake that a different approach is taken as what your husband is suggesting. I don't think that would serve the childrens' best interest. He may indeed feel that way, but little children are not going to understand all the 'adult' issues behind his words. It might even scare them a bit. They need to feel security in and with their parents and moreso than ever in a divorce.

It sounds like his words are part of his way of venting and wanting to be justified in his decision. I would also add that you might remind him - and the kids- that he can be there for their soccer games and he can snuggle with them. He can, if he, chooses be a very active parent.

I guess I'd suggest talking with him and telling him that it's important to put the kids first and to keep personal feelings toward one another between the two of you. There will be time in years to come to say other things - which by that time may well have evaporated.

Take care of yourself. In doing so, you'll better be able to be there for your children. The more centered you can be, the better off for everyone. Best to you - all of you.

I'm always amazed people that once loved each other so much they committed to spend the rest of their lives together can jump into divorce so easily. I'm utterly amazed two people that used to love each other will spend thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours with expensive lawyers, but won't spend $50 on self help books and a couple of hundred on marriage counselling.

My suggestion. Ask your husband what you said or did that he thinks is a "lie". Address that if you can. Get the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and do what it says as long as you have a chance to. Give the book to your husband and ask him to read it and ask him to tell you if he feels the way the men in the book feel. If he does, you have a road map to recovery. Get the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" and read it. Do what it suggests and give a copy to your husband if he is still there after you begin to work on the first book.

Watch the movie, "Fireproof" with your husband if possible. Get the movie's companion book, "The Love Dare" and follow it.

My favorite painting is of a stork in a swamp with a frog in its beak trying to swallow the frog. The frog is head down the stork's mouth and has its hands around the stork's throat trying to choke it. The storks eyes are starting to show the veins of strain. The caption says, "NEVER GIVE UP".

Good luck to you and yours. (And "never give up" as long as you love your kids.)

I would be very honest with your kids. Be sure they understand that this is a permanent thing and daddy will not be living with you any more. It is also important that you clarify that you and daddy love them the same and it has nothing to do with them. I do not know why daddy will not be at soccer games or able to tuck them in... I assume you will each take the kids at different times and he can still go to the games and tuck in on the nights he has them. It will just be different.

Your biggest focus is to keep your husband from demonizing you. This is both of you making a decision for the family and by making you look bad to the kids will just create turmoil for them. Be sure your husband understands that you want to keep this as pleasant as possible for the kid's sake. In short, you are both still their parents and responsible for their well-being. It is not about who is bigger and better, it is about making these little people the best human beings they can be in a very tough situation.

I like how soft you are in starting your conversation with your kids but you need to give them the whole story. If you say you need to be apart for a while, then you are giving them the idea that this is temporary. It is not. They will catch on to that and be upset with you that you weren't honest with them in the first place.

Kids are smarter that we all give them credit. By only giving them partial truths they will begin to question you and feel insecure. Just give them the story and prepare to be open with all their questions that follow (probably for a long time after).

Good luck, sorry you have to go through this.

Wow. He sounds very dramatic. He wants to create sides, which is horrible. I think your ideas are more appropriate. I would tell him that it is okay for him to think you are a liar, but the kids only need to hear a simple non-combative explanation, like some families have divorced parents and it is okay, etc.

I can tell this is going to get ugly. Why wouldn't he be able to go to a soccer game because of a divorce? He needs to find positives to say to them about how he WILL be spending time with them, not reinforcing how he won't be spending time with them.

But I can already tell that he is going to tell them you are a liar anyways, just my gut feeling. (my daughter's bio-donor is the same way)So be prepared to tell your kids that it is okay for him to feel that way, and say nothing but positive(truths) about him.

Keep that email, and all others. You will need them when you go to court to file for custody. Oregon does not have a joint custody law so one parent has to be awarded custody in a divorce.

I am so sorry you have to go through this.

I wish you the best.

Tell him you will sit next to him while he explains to the children why he is leaving them. He's the one who's leaving, not you. He's the one making the decision not to be there to snuggle with them or support them during their soccer games. He's the one abandoning his children so he can be "happy" and visit them on weekends. He can explain to them why he has made that decision. You just be there to pick up the pieces of their ruined life and tell them you still love them and will never leave them.

I think that you should consult a child psychologist on how to tell the kids, and also should go to personal counseling with an experienced psychologist to see why your husband thinks that you are a liar and don't love him - if you husband is just nuts or if there is something to it. Not to offend you or to tell you to stay, but I think it will be more scarring to you too to have your marriage end in this kind of confusion. It sounds like he doesn't want to hurt or leave his kids so maybe you could tell him that you are going to counseling to see why he thinks you are the bad guy. Maybe he would agree to a separation rather than a divorce while you try this.

Wow, I am so sorry for what you are going through. All I can say is, you will have to explain things to the kids, but it should be done in a way that is not placing blame on either of you. The explanation that he is expecting you to give seems way too heavy for them to have to deal with, and it's almost like he wants you to admit that you messed up somehow. He is choosing to leave, but blaming you for him not being there for the kids every day. I would have no qualms pointing that out to him and calling him out on it. Personally, I think he is being selfish and a coward.

What he needs to realize is that you might get divorced, but you don't stop being parents. You will need to deal with visitation, with holidays, with discipline issues and you need to do it without throwing accusations at each other or giving each other a guilt trip. How well kids deal with divorce is often related to how well the parents deal with it, both the split itself and what happens afterwards.

If you can both agree on what to tell the kids and tell them together, that might be best. Otherwise I would tell the kids yourself in such a way that makes you look like the adult that they need you to be. Be pro-active and be the bigger person. Maybe something along the lines of:

"Daddy and I both love all of you very much, but he and I just can't be happy together anymore. It won't be fair to you guys if we can't get along and end up having arguments all the time in front of you. We both feel it would be best if we lived apart and were not married anymore. This does not mean we don't love you, we just can't love each other. None of this is your fault, none of you did anything to cause this to happen. It's just that unfortunately, in the long run, we feel it will be what is best for our family."

Really make sure they understand that this is not their fault - kids tend to blame themselves for everything. Chances are, they might already sense something is up and it may not be as big a shock to them.

Best of luck to you...

My suggestion is are here: tell him where to put his information
keep showing the children how much you love them
pack up his bags for him then he doesn't have to explain that stuff
(so polite aren't I?) and start stuffing bundles of money away somewhere so he doesn't destroy everything in your life
he is a monster

I am so sorry you are going through this. Your husband is obviously very angry at you, and not yet able to step back and only be angry at you- he is lashing out and finding any way he can to hurt you. Unfortunately, this is common and the kids are an easy way to get at you.

This is not the time to convince him you are not in the wrong here. The best thing you can do is not aggravate the situation, if he is angry at you and wanting to tell the kids you lie, etc., you just need to ask him to please not involve the kids, say something like 'you have every right to feel however you do toward me, but please don't make this harder on the kids'. There are great books out there to help you along these lines.

If he does say things to the kids (my guess is if he is this angry, he might- during your family meeting or another time) all you can hope for is damage control. If he does it while you are telling the kids, it's pretty much meeting over. Bring it to a swift but calm close. Watching you two argue about this and hurt each other will damage your children. End it.

If the meeting goes fine but the kids are told things later, you have the thankless job of being the bigger person. If they say "daddy says you lied" or "daddy says you won't let him come to our soccer games", you simply need to reply "daddy must be angry about some things, but he's just angry at mommy and it's ok, he's not angry at you and we both love you guys" or make sure you convey that you hear their concerns "it's important for you guys to have daddy come to your activities, isn't it? let's make sure we can make sure that happens as often as possible".

You do not need to defend yourself to your kids. You need to let them know you can handle daddy's anger, and most importantly, that his anger is at you, not them. This sets the stage that you are strong and that the kids are not in the middle of this at all. Again, I suggest books for the kids, too. Amazing books out there to read to them that will reassure them and spark lots of useful discussions.

Good luck and God bless.

i think his reasons are not appropriate to tell children their age, and really not their business. yes he has simplified it for them, but still this is an adult decision on an adult situation. use a GOOD example of respect and honesty to teach your children these things, rather than pointing out how not to behave in a situation that they can't even comprehend yet. i like your idea. God bless.

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The best thing to do is if you can talk to them together without any blame or crazy stuff about you lying that they won't really understand anyway, the only real thing they need to know is that this isn't their fault and that you both still love them the same whether you're living together or apart.
However, if he's not willing to cooperate and still wants to say stupid stuff, then you may just have to talk to them alone and explain to them your side in the most delicate way you can but reassure them that you love them and that dad loves them.

If you know it is the right thing to do - to get a divorce. Then you need to come right and tell the truth to your kids about the divorce. Don't keep anything a secret. As for you talking to one another you need to make it clear that you don't make bad remarks about one another around the kids. Divorce is hard enough don't let the kids get involved in the hostile moments between you and your husband. Good luck! I hope things turn out for the better. Make sure the kids know that no matter what happens that you both will never stop loving them.

Wow. Is there a possibility for some kind of family counseling? Not to save the marriage, but to have a neutral third party who can help negotiate the craziness? Some companies have some amount of counseling available to employees, although that might be harder to arrange if it's through his job.

I have to believe that if you are fair and open in your dealings with the kids, that they will grow up knowing which adults they can trust and which ones are not playing with a full deck. If that's the story he's going to give the kids, I would tell them that you do care about Daddy, and you wish that he could accept your love in the ways that you have to show it, but that sometimes people don't match well, and this is one of those times.

I would hope that maybe a third party could explain to Daddy that any playing of the blame game is only going to make this harder for the kids.

I know you don't want marriage advice, but let me offer just one thing. I recommend that you read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and that both of you read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage." Unless your husband has some kind of mental health issue, it sounds like the two of you may not be treating each other very kindly. Ask him if he is willing to give it one more try, read the books, and see where you are after that.

I have no advice for you, just a well-wish. You are lucky to be away from your soon-to-be-ex. He really sounds like there's something wrong between the ears. I'm not very familiar with all the different personality disorders and other mental issues, but I know that my husband has one and it's KILLER.

Actually, I think he has two. And the second one makes the first one so much worse. Because, unlike your ex, mine is afraid of abandonment. So while he acts like he hates me and treats me like garbage (despite my reading all sorts of books and going to counseling and trying everything I can to help him be happy), he is absolutely terrified of being alone, and would never divorce me. So I'm left trying to figure out how bad is bad enough to leave, and how much the kids and I can take. Once, he was so convinced that I was going to leave him that he sued me, slapping a restraining order on me so I couldn't leave the state with our kids. Paranoid!

So while you may not feel it right now (I'm sure you're feeling a million things!), try to feel even just a tiny bit how lucky you are to have him volunteer to get out of your life. And that he's left the state. That means you don't have to share your kids with the nut-job (not very often, at least) and if I remember correctly from my visit with a family lawyer, the fact that he voluntarily left the state is great for your case. It shows that he doesn't really care about anyone but himself.

From one mom who married a psycho jerk to another, you are strong, you are awesome, and you going to be okay. Better than okay.

Updated

I have no advice for you, just a well-wish. You are lucky to be away from your soon-to-be-ex. He really sounds like there's something wrong between the ears. I'm not very familiar with all the different personality disorders and other mental issues, but I know that my husband has one and it's KILLER.

Actually, I think he has two. And the second one makes the first one so much worse. Because, unlike your ex, mine is afraid of abandonment. So while he acts like he hates me and treats me like garbage (despite my reading all sorts of books and going to counseling and trying everything I can to help him be happy), he is absolutely terrified of being alone, and would never divorce me. So I'm left trying to figure out how bad is bad enough to leave, and how much the kids and I can take. Once, he was so convinced that I was going to leave him that he sued me, slapping a restraining order on me so I couldn't leave the state with our kids. Paranoid!

So while you may not feel it right now (I'm sure you're feeling a million things!), try to feel even just a tiny bit how lucky you are to have him volunteer to get out of your life. And that he's left the state. That means you don't have to share your kids with the nut-job (not very often, at least) and if I remember correctly from my visit with a family lawyer, the fact that he voluntarily left the state is great for your case. It shows that he doesn't really care about anyone but himself.

From one mom who married a psycho jerk to another, you are strong, you are awesome, and you going to be okay. Better than okay.

In the state of UT a divorce class that deals with the issues that the children will have must be taken before the divorce can be final. It is a very good class and brings a lot of different thoughts and emotions into perspective. It is so easy for parents to use their children as pawns in divorce situations but this is not needed. My X husband is the biggest manipulative lying jerk that I have ever met but he is my son's hero and I just let things go as is. Mommy needs to live at her house and daddy lives at his and he (my son) lives at both. My son is fine with this and loves his time at both. The children are really just innocent by-standers in this bad situation. It is important that no information is being force fed to them. (Easier said then done!!) There are so many traumatic events in life that children have to deal with. As adults, it is important to remember that we are very important in helping our children recover from this event because we do have a little bit of control over this. As Kade said, it is very important to let the children know that they are loved and the anger is not directed at them. I don't feel that an 8 year old would benefit from any details. Children do not care about details! They want to know that things are going to be alright for them and they are loved and taken care of. Focus on the positive! Children need to be taught to rise above and succeed. They are going to be hurt. Everyone will be hurt! Divorce is not easy for anyone. It is not an easy way out but sometimes the only way out. I have been divorced twice and had kids each time. I know divorce hurts but everyone needs to try to focus on a positive future. Try to speak to your husband and explain that the children are going to be the ones that suffer the most if things get ugly. I just want to let you know that your children will come through it by getting a positive attitude from you. My daughter who is in her second year at college never gets less them a 3.5 GPA, my son started high school and he is showing great responsibility and promise, and my youngest son just started first grade and he is a very happy child. It can be done and try not to listen when people tell you that your children are going to be screwed up for life.