Divorce - Toledo,OH

I would have someone with me when I told him so that he won't be abusive to you. You never know what someone will do. In my case, my life was in danger. Just to be on the safe side I don't know how much time I would give him. You need to have somewhere to go before hand. A safe place. Good luck.

You may not want to hear what your attorney says, but you really need to listen. He or she may tell you NOT to leave the home.

Get ALL your t's crossed and your i's dotted before you say anything to him. That comes before thinking about what you want to say. You need to have a credit card in your own name with a company he doesn't know about. A different address on the account than the house address that he can access. You need a bank account of your own. You need to get copies of every single account statement that you can find, and copies of past years of taxes. You should remove your jewelry and anything sentimental that he could break or take, just to hurt you. You should have a suitcase in the trunk of the car with emergency supplies and clothing for you and your kids, just in case he flies into a rage and you need to flee. You need a key to the car hidden in a place where you can get at it, in case he takes your keys. I would even lock your pocketbook away so that he can't take your driver's license.

Get the attorney's take on this. He or she might tell you to have him served with papers instead of telling him yourself. This is difficult to navigate and you need to find out the consequences of everything you are planning.

Good luck,
Dawn

Please speak to someone at a domestic violence shelter before telling your husband you want a divorce. They can help you keep yourself and your children safe. I wish I'd spoken to someone before my separation and divorce. The fact that you are afraid to give him notice means that you know this is a potentially dangerous situation. Honor your intuition.

Bravo for consulting with an attorney ahead of time. In my case, I was able to stay in my house with my children and my ex had to move out. I'm so glad I didn't leave. Staying in the house with my children gave them much needed stability during this difficult time. You should be able to get spousal and child support during the separation as you work out the details of the divorce. Your attorney should be able to set that up for you.

Many people were shocked when my ex and I divorced. Like you, I'd put on a good show and tried to make like everything was ok. However, other friends and family later told me they were aware of our problems and were relieved when I finally got out.

Some books that helped me through the emotional process of getting free were "Why does he do that" and "When dad hurts mom" both by Lundy Bancroft. The second book has suggestions to help your kids through the separation and divorce process.

Blessings to you as your start this journey. I hope that you soon find the health and happiness you deserve.

Don't tell him. Start packing --two months ago (like January 2012). If hs is a hot headed alcoholic pack things that are important to you--he will know what they are-- pics of the kids, favorite china, things that hold sentimental value. If you do not find a place to store them before you leave you will come back to get them and he will have destroyed them.
Each state is slightly different in the divorce and community property laws and child support. Get advice from a domestic violence shelter and/or an attorney. Usually you can take the things that belonged to you before the marriage or were inherited by only you. You can your personal things, clothing ect. In Wisconsin we have community property so you each get half so if you house is worth say $100,000 half of that is yours and if he gets the house he has to pay you $50,000. The furniture is also half yours, and the cars. Again that is it in a nutshell -- and in Wisconsin. Ohio may be different. I'm not an attorney so I can't give legal advice just an overview.

Get real legal advice.

Hug to you, mama. This must be so incredibly difficult. I'll keep you in my thoughts & prayers.

Tell him AS you are leaving. Like tell him SATURDAY morning.

Find an apartment, SIGN the LEASE. Get some money into an account with ONLY your name. Open a credit card in ONLY your name. Close or freeze any cards in both your names. Make sure the kids are out of the house when you tell him (have a friend or relative keep them for the day). Hire movers or ask a group of friends to help you move out THAT DAY.

If you wanted to give him time to process the news, you would have told him a lot sooner. The only thing that will come of telling him two weeks before you move is that he will snap and may hurt you or your kids (even if he hasn't been violent before, verbally abusive can turn to physically abusive pretty quickly under stressful circumstances).

Yes you can start getting child support as soon as you are living apart but you have to file for it and it won't be retro-active, so talk to a lawyer before you tell him anything AND put away some money for you and the kids in case you have to wait a few months.

Good luck.

T.

He is hot headed and alcholoic. Then no advance notice- I would move out while he is gone and then tell him after all of your stuff is gone. This will make it less stressful on you and make sure that you get out with what you want in tact. But make sure that attorney agrees with the moving out. Otherwise, have locks changed on house. Only worry about yourself in this case. He has shown that he is not going to take care of you or your feelings. So focus only on what you need....no need to take care of him now!!!!

Send the kids to a family or friends house for the week end...they do not need to witness this or your emotional state afterwards. When you go to pick them up...tell them what changes have occurred. Perhaps you could line up a family counselor or pastor etc for them in advance that could help them with this transition.

In anycase, make sure that you have money in an account with only your name on it. A credit card in only your name. Cancel joint accounts you may have. Change your passwords, pin #'s etc.

Have someone there with you when you tell them or close by...like sitting out on the front porch with cell phone to call 911 if needed.

Once you two are seperated....if this is a wake up call for him and he cleans up his act, goes to counseling, etc. and you are so inclined....you could see how the seperation goes and if a reconcillation is at all possible.

Best of luck to you!
S.

Different states have different laws regarding this - I would speak to a lawyer and follow their suggestions regarding this. My sister gave notice and he TOOK his son (4) leaving behind her older boy, then the courts split custody because she told him they were moving out but NOT WHERE. It is all very tricky and you could end up screwed if you do not follow the rules.

If you are afraid then get someone to mediate for you or be the "witness" to ensure that no one is hurt. Only you know your husband. But I would have support from others. I would talk to a lawyer before doing anything because this may end up blowing up in your face.

I have to agree with Riley. Abusive even just verbally Abusive can be dangerous. add Alcohol and it can be a safety problem.

You may want to have someone aware of this conversation so that if you do not call them by a certain time they go by and check on you.

My mother and father sound a lot like you and your husband.. There was a lot going on in our home, but to everyone else we all looked perfect. It was just awful. The stress, the anger, made me a nervous wreck.

I remember my mother told my father and all of a sudden he tried to change his attitude, wanted to all of a sudden go to counseling.. Blah, blah, blah.. But he always went back to his old ways. Blamed the marriage counselor, blamed my mothers boss, her family, his family..

Finally my mom said "enough.. Either you go or we go.." And so my father left.. they still tried a few more times (it was always fine for a little while, but went back to the same old ways)..

It takes a lot of strength, but when you know it is over and you do not love each other.. It is time to make the break. You deserve to be happy. Your children deserve a home where there is not all of this fighting and controlling all off the time.. They deserve a happy mom.

Sometimes it means their parents need to not be together any more..

As long as you keep reminding your children this is not about them. That it is a grown up problem.. it will help them a lot.

Let them know you know they will always love their father and you know they will always love you, but mom and dad, just cannot live together anymore.

You may be very surprised that they already know what is going on.. I did..

I am the one that told my parents, I knew they were getting a divorce. They asked "how did you know?".. I said "because you do not love each other.". They asked, "how long have you known this?" I said "since "C" (my sister) was a baby.."

They were blown away..

Everybody was upset except me.. I was relieved.. I lived with this guilt till I was an adult.. Everyone else was so upset.. I was completely relieved.

Be strong and do what is best for you and your family..

I'm so sorry you are in this position. My sister went through a similar situation so PLEASE obtain counsel before you make a move. She did bot and it hurt her in the divorce. She would have been advised to remain in the home , have a security person with her( male relative, guy friend) and to have some cash pulled aside he could not touch. Please get a lawyer. Best of luck during this hard time.

I did not give my ex-husband any notice when I moved out. He was verbally and emotionally abusive, never physical, although he threatened me one time, I was gone a week later. He came home and the kids were already at my parent's house and I had taken only what I absolutely needed. It was our second separation in 2 years. While in my head, I knew it would end in divorce, I started it out as another separtion. This time, he agreed to counceling and after our third session, I knew for sure we were done. Shortly after that I filed for divorce. It was a very hard decision but in the seven years since I left, I have never once regretted my decision. That doesn't mean I don't feel sad at the loss, but I know I absolutely made the right choice for my kids and me.

I'd like to think I have tried everything. Have you tried Al-anon?

You need to get legal advice before you move out. That may work against you in the long run. I recommend the book "Divorce and Money." Also, you should keep a journal of your daily activities, particularly in respect to what you do with/for the kids...dropping them off/picking them them up, cooking, etc. This will be useful when you are making your argument for custody. I'm so sorry and I wish you the best.

I would tell him sooner rather than later, but make sure you have someplace to go at a moment's notice if he takes it.... more than poorly. Have essentials packed for you and the children and in the trunk of your car.

He may be willing to bargain with you.... Have you already decided you're beyond counseling (him as an individual or you as a couple)?

Many things don't become "real" until we set the wheels in motion. Good luck.

I am curious about the particular date.

If you were my friend I would tell you to tell him now. Tell him that you want to go to counseling, you can tell him that it's that or you are going to go stay with XXXX. I think that you may have made a good choice but I also think that just up and announcing you are moving out, have a nice divorce is harsh. I do understand he has been a total jerk to you too.

I still think everyone deserves the chance to get used to the idea.