Disneyland Dad

I have adult children but very much remember feeling like I was always the bad guy. In reality, I was and that was okay. I was home with the kids much more than my husband and he just kind of followed along with what I said when we were both home. When I was not there he let them do what he decided was okay. I know it seems inconsistent but it does work in the long run. The kids just knew that dad would let them do just about anything, mom would not. Relax, it does not have to be a constant battle unless you make it be. They will be fine eating junk, staying up late, whatever goes on when you are not there. I know you are thinking that you kids will resent you but that is just not true. Once they are older they will realize that you were both good parents. just different styles of parenting.

I think that some family counseling would help you out a lot. Sometimes families can paint themselves into roles where people end up taking on extremes because of how they anticipate the others acting and each member can't see his or her own role. Meaning...if you think that you your husband *never* disciplines, then that means you have to *always* discipline. If he thinks you *never* let them cut loose and relax then that means he *always* has to do that.

My guess is that there is something in his own childhood that he is overcompensating for. For example, I know a family in which the dad constantly buys his kids expensive things that are completely out of scale with the occasion. For example, when one of his kids was in the final stages of potty training and it had dragged on to age 4, he did a reward chart for him and after 5 days of no accidents said he'd take him to the store to pick out a prize. Great idea, right? Sure, if the prize is a $5 toy or book or puzzle...his kid picked out a $100 Lego Star Wars set for 7-12 year olds and this guy bought it!! He does this because his own childhood was lousy, he grew up poor and somewhat neglected, didn't know that his father was really his step-father and that his bio-father was a different guy who his mom had an affair with, etc. So he overcompensates by trying to make sure his kids never know a moment of discomfort, which of course doesn't prepare them at all for the real world.

So...why does your husband avoid conflict to a paralyzing degree? What happened in his past that makes him that way? That's something a family counselor can raise and addresss - it doesn't mean he needs months of therapy, but a good family counselor can look at those dynamics and the baggage that we all bring into our marriages. One of the things our counselor did was help us examine our own baggage and validate that based on our own experiences, what we do makes sense. For your husband, there may be something in his own experience that makes conflict avoidance a perfectly logical survival tool for his own childhood. However, the next step is to acknowledge that we are no longer children at the mercy of our parents/teachers/other adults and this time, *we* get to create the environment in which our children are raised and now we can do things differently. We can trade in our old behaviors for ones that are healthier and more balanced. We can find tools that work for the children *we have* and no the children *we were*.

My guess is that if he avoids conflict you can bully him into family therapy because he won't fight you on it. I'm kind of kidding - hopefully he'll see that you're not happy and will acknowledge that he's not happy either and will be open to talking to someone voluntarily. If he really resists, then just you and the kids can go. It really only takes one person to change to affect the dynamic of the whole family for better or for worse. Hopefully if you can present this in a positive, collaborative way and acknowledge that you also have your own baggage and would like to change as well, he'll be on board with you.

FWIW we did family therapy when my SD moved in with us but I wish we had done it sooner. We are a blended family and at least one of our kids has ADHD (another is suspected) and my husband has his own mental health issues, so there was a lot to sort through. It really did help. Good luck to you!

This is gonna sound harsh but I don't mean it that way.

Tell hubby he needs to grow up and be a parent. Parent is also a verb or action word and he needs to take action. Children know they are loved by being told NO. A parent who doesn't care lets their kids do what they want and have what they want because it is easier. If you want your kids to grow up to be responsible, mature adults they need to learn boundries and earning what they want. No one just hands you a car or a place to live when you are 20, if you want it you need to work for it. These are the lessons they learn as they are growing up.

I recommend not only parenting classes for both of you but couples counseling also.

Sounds very familiar ! We have one son with ODD/ADHD and it is very stressful on the entire family. You didn't say but if your child is not in counseling, please put them in there. That has been the best thing. Our counselor gives us ideas to cope as a family also in addition to working with our son. My husband also tends to be more laid back where I want the rules followed. I have had to let some things go. I also had to sit down with hubby and explain why I needed / wanted certain things a certain way. Bedtimes is one. Sodas & candy is another. That did help. And last - I agree with everyone else - consider family counseling. The counselor should be able to help you with ideas on how to handle things.

Please heed Reverend Ruby. Re-read her post. Counseling for you as couple was the very first thing I thought here.

You are putting it all on yourself-- saying he can't change, saying you alone have to be the one to change here....Not true. Time for him to man up and go learn how to be a parent, not an enabler of kids' fun.

Ask yourself this: If things continue as they are, will you still be happy to be married to him in another five to 10 years? Will you be even sort-of-OK with it? I can see a potential for a real and possibly permanent rift here if you are always cast in the villain/enforcer role and he always gets to be good guy/fun dad. I could not live that way year in and year out until your kids are grown (and thoroughly spoiled). Can you?

I would make serious counseling a non-negotiable condition of being together. Period.

It's very worrying that you say "I'm inconsistent, bossy and I'm working on being more loving, soft, sweet." Are these things he tells you to be? It's also worrying that you say you feel you're a "whiner" at the end. You're putting yourself down, which is not healthy and makes me wonder if husband is doing the same -- does he call you a whiner? Tell you you're not loving enough? Is he a "lighten up, baby!" kind of guy when you feel he has zero idea that your child has a diagnosed condition that needs help he is not providing? Again -- all this calls for counseling, for you as a couple and possibly for you individually too. But not JUST you alone.

It's telling that he hates conflict. A relative of ours is the same way and has a child who now is utterly used to having his own way and being treated like a little adult -- and he rules the roost. Adults who hate conflict should either not be parents or should be self-aware enough to get past their own conflict avoidance tendencies and toughen up enough to act like parents, not best friends. Unless you want your sons to end up running the household and defying you (because you are the bad cop) and unless you want your marriage to fall apart because you frankly have no joy or fun with your kids or your husband while he has ONLY fun -- Sit him down, tell him what you said here, and say that "mean mom, fun dad" is not a marriage and it's not a parenting style, and it's going to end today because you refuse to go on for years playing a role you hate.

Family therapy if you can. Personal therapy if they won't. You're stressed. The sugar thing isn't worth it. Just keep it in the house and it becomes a special treat that YOU can administer on good days. You may have to "let" things fall to pieces, and do your best to get out of the way of the pieces so they fall on your husband.

Your boys are getting old enough to be part of the family and to understand that you're a unit. Look into Love and Logic - it may give you the tools to use to get the boys more involved in their own care, in making better choices. ALSO - it's a NON-CONFRONTATIONAL parenting style that may fit your hubby like a glove. It's CHOICE based, but it's choices YOU set up so the kids do your goal of bedtime, but in a way that they have some control over. loveandlogic.com - you can also find facilitators that teach classes in your area. Often they are cheap or free.

Good luck!

Great advice so far. If your husband would consider reading there are two books I recommend 1. Bringing up Boys and 2. Kid CEO
They help frame the role of parents (and men in the equation).

My other thought is act like him for a week or two. Be Disneyland mom for a while and see how he responds. It could be he doesn't realize how he acts and that he is leaning so heavily on you for structure. It is summer, so now is the time to let kids go for your demonstration purposes.
There is, of course, always the opportunity for counseling. It could be a reflection of his reaction to his parents style. were they super strict, did they say no all the time and he is overcompensating now? Regardless, a counselor is so helpful as a mediator and sounding board for issues like this.

good luck:)

I actually think your situation is more common then you think. I'm the strict one, but also the more laid back one. The husband is the worrier, and slightly paranoid, but rarely ever does any of the parenting. He's involved and active, I'm just the one who set's the rules, follows through with them, and does the day to day things.

It used to bother me, but over time I have just accepted that we parent differently. At the end of the day it's about raising good adults, who does what, how often and when really isn't that big of a deal, so long as it get's done.

So far so good, 4 have made it to adulthood, and doing pretty dang good. We have 4 more to go, but unless one of us drastically changes our parenting I think the rest will be just fine lol

My husband was a lot this. He tends to be very "in the moment" and doesn't always think things through. When our oldest was little I was constantly reminding him that we needed to be consistent about bedtime. His thought was always that I was a SAHM, so our little one didn't need to be woken up in the morning and should be allowed to go to bed whenever. Sure he might not need to get up by a certain time, but try telling him that!

I agree with some of the others that it can be ok for your husband to be more relaxed than you on some issues and that you can afford to let some things go. But not everything. So my suggestion would be to give some thought to which things you can let go and which you can't. Then sometime when you're not upset or stressed, after the kids go to bed, talk to him about it. Talk to him about why you think these things are important.

When our oldest was little, I explained to my husband that little ones don't sleep in. They tend to get up at roughly the same time every day no matter when they went to sleep. Not only are they complete crabs when they don't get enough sleep, but it's not good for them. I told him a little more about sleep cycles and what I had observed when our son didn't get enough sleep. Anyway, he started to understand what happened during the day when he was at work. The kids are older now, so he understands that they have to get up for school or summer activities. He still tends to forget that an 8:30 bedtime really means bath/showers at 7:00, but we're working on it.

For now, think about what's really important and what things you're willing to let go or compromise on. If it's really important, think about ways to convince your husband to be on board with you. This really isn't something you want to do alone. The two of you should be on the same page as much as possible.

you just keep doing a Gouda job like you are. hee hee that's my lame cheese joke. I feel your pain.

Probably the best suggesttion and one you will get a ton is to get some parenting counseling. or marriage counseling.

Is he intellectual enough that if you print off literature about how sugar is bad that it might influence him?

another random thought it to read the love languages book, his might be gift giving, and see how you can fill up his love bank so he is more inclined to listen to you.
I'm also a fan of Dr Laura Schlessinger and she has some books on the proper care and feeding of husbands. Might not be for everyone but in your case your husband is a child and you need some help to deal with that.
because i am also not a fan of divorcing and having no chance to influence what he does on his weekend with them and who else he brings around them. at least while you are married to him you have some control over it.

a couple things jump out at me, you said you are inconsistent, I am too and it is the one thing i would change, because i think kids need that, the flip side is though that i can have fun and bend the rules.so i try not to get too down on myself.
the second thing i wonder about his what in HIS childhood is making him act this way, and does he see that at all. like you said all you can change is you.

Maybe you need to leave the kids with someone you trust ( prob not hubs) and sit and think about what you can control and what you can let go.
If you do the shopping at least you control what is in the house for most meals, if you aren't buying sugar ceral then if dad wants to take them out for icecream it isn't like they had already gone over their limit.

Maybe bed time is the one thing you draw the line in the sand about, and work with the kids on how bed time is so calm and lovely and wonderful, with snuggles and talking time with you that they will be begging for it.

maybe dad can be incharge of bathing since that is kind of fun, buy some bath toys or bath crayons so again the kids are begging for it.

and it's not "fair" but while the kids are young, you may have to not leave at night when it could go to pieces or leave after they are in bed. or make sure dad will be somewhere else and hire a competent sitter. It's so hard to imagine but i'm really realizing this summer how grown up my kids are getting and they don't need the same 24/7 supervision, they need a different kind but generally it isn't so draining to me.

It's hard and a feel for you because i deal with it alot too. But keepyour eye on the prize and remember that you are raising men, and like you said try to stay soft and sweet because it's for your boys.

Instead of going out for the occassional evening, can you go out of town for 10-14 days? or even a long weekend? Hubs might come around to the merits of some of your parenting musts if he feels the ramifications of some of his indulgent behavior.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

He sounds similar to my husband. I am more laid back too so it does not bug me as much. We don't sweat the small stuff like, sugar. I just don't keep much of it in the house so no one can go crazy but I don't actively limit it. My husband is terrible about bringing chips home. I don't buy chips but he likes them and gets them every once in awhile. The kids get all cracked out on chips lol. Since it's only when he gets chips I let it go. It's special thing with their dad. So maybe just pick one or two things that he does that you would like him to work on and then talk with him about it. Tell him how important a helmet is etc. How important bedtimes are etc. he may change or he may not.
You can work on yourself. There is no need to be bossy that stems from anxiety. Trying to force things the way that make you comfortable. If you are not loving and sweet that's a hard one to change. I am not super loving a sweet either and it's pretty hard to change your entire personality. I am not bossy I just am not huggy and sing songy. I have a force a smile on my face when I have had a rough day.
Not sure how old your kids are but my husband is better with the older ones when it comes to discipline. Talk to him about what to do. You can't expect him to know all the discipline techniques especially if your inconsistent.

I was the bad guy in our marriage. I wasn't willing to let my kids grow up to be lazy, inconsiderate, manner less, and self-indulgent. It was a hard row to hoe, but they all grew up well mannered, and, except one, became industrious.

If your children are worth it they will be worth the effort. Seek counseling for you and your husband. If you find out why he acts this way, you may finally get his support. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

Good luck to you and yours.

Sounds to me like you both just have two different styles. Perhaps getting both of you to take some kind of parenting class. Life is about balance. If you are so very to the right and he is so very to the left perhaps the kids will find balance with both of you just being who you are. Understand there are many ways to raise healthy and happy children.

I grew up in a time where no one wore helmets for biking and seat belts in some of the older cars were non existent in the back seat. LOL. In my neighborhood at any given time there were never less than 30 kids of all ages and none of us wore helmets and we all survived and boy did we have some dare devils in our bicycling crew.

Long story short, relax alot. Life is a far better teacher than some of us are as parents.

I think you both could stand some classes on how to help your challenged child make it to adulthood.

I have found A TON of couples like this. My own experience & my friends'
One is the softy & one if the enforcer.
I think it takes both to bring a balance & to be able to teach all things to
the kids.
For example, my husband got my son to ride his scooter faster than I
would have. He has him wear a helmet while I want him to wear
elbow pads, too. (Your son should be wearing a helmet when riding a
bike. Try to enforce that one. First instill in your child telling him that
every single time he wants to get on the bike he needs to go grab it
period. Then mention to your husb that it is imperative to prevent
injury!).
You're right to say you can't change your husband. You can't. You can
be a positive influence but ultimately we are all individuals that can't be
controlled.
Next you need a break so don't worry that everything goes to pieces when you leave. You still need to leave. As long as the necessary things
are taken care of: his being fed, he's safe in the house etc. the rest does
not matter as much like teeth brushing & being n bed at exacly the right
time. You are both going to do things differently but it should end up being a complement to each other.
As far as having a child w/ODD/ADHD, that is so difficult & I am so sorry.
You need to seek help w/groups & a counselor for yourself in finding ways cope & help your child.
It's not about being bossy vs. sweet. It's about our personality types & striking a blance w/in ourselves & w/i our marriages w/o sacrificing our true selves.
We can all feel disappointment in our lives & our marriages but it is what
we do with those feelings that matter. Do we change? Get counseling?
Try to be better? Work with each other, etc?
Don't expect perfection.
Work "with" what you have instead of "against". Don't swim upstream.
In relationships there's usually a "good cop" vs "bad cop". I say try to be
a little of both.
Sounds like your primary role will be to teach but throw in some fun, too.
His will be to spoil & have fun (not a total detrimental thing) w/some limits
thrown in. Hopefully he can see & acheive this.
A lot of people hate conflict. It's a personality trait. I'm not saying it's great
or you have to just deal with it but you do have to find a way to make
peace w/it & co-exist.
Work on yourself & sometimes the change in the other partner will follow.
Even if it doesn't, you only have control over yourself.
When you see something in your husband you don't like that he is doing
w/your child, try saying something about it nicely & kindly.
Don't be overbearing or controlling but try appealing to his senses.
Don't hammer him over the head w/it.
He may or may not change.
Know you will most likely always have the harder role but he can bring
something to the table too. (Not making excuses for his behavior just
trying to show the other side.).
(Btw, I have the cheese!). ;)

Ohhh man, I could go on about this subject for hours. You don't sound like a whiner to me. I get it.

All I can tell you is that if you absolutely know you won't be able to change him, then maybe you can try and make yourself more like him. Because if you keep being the bad guy, it will cause marital problems and it won't work anyway, because hubby is undermining you.

Either force him to man up, or let go of a lot of stuff with the kids. They will probably turn out fine anyway. It is essential that the two of you are on the same page in front of them, or lots of problems will ensue.

I dealt with this for years, and it almost killed us. I am still trying to rekindle some positive feelings for my husband. If you have any specific questions, feel free to message me, because I feel your pain.

Leigh R. said it perfectly. Amen to her last paragraph. Reread it.

Reading below: Was there something in your question about the kids eating sugar? This is one thing that isn't worth battling husband and being the bad guy about. You probably do most of the grocery shopping -- just don't buy a lot of sugar and there won't be anything to fight or be the bad guy about.

I haven't read all of the responses but I would start with a counseling session for you and for your child with ODD/ADHD. I have a daughter with ODD and it was like having a ticking bomb in the house. Once we got her into counseling and then a program called TBS at her school, things changed for all of us. My husband and I were also a part of her sessions and it helped us to find ways to control us. Without it, we were all feeding into a huge cycle of behaviors that were not good for anyone. We also are very religious, okay not VERY but are very faithful and pray all day long for patience and wisdom. Remember this, the family that prays together, stays together. Whatever you believe, do it as a couple and then as a family. You will still have your rough days but they will be outnumbered by some good days.

Please read the book "Wild at Heart" by John Elderege. And then hand it over to your husband to read.

Blessings,

C.