Disciplining Our 18-Month-old Son Not to Pinch, Slap, Etc.

I would read "Unconditional Parenting", by Khan, it helped me understand how to gently guide instead of discipline.

I have to agree with Michelle L. My kids did the same and I finally had to repeat it back to them to get a result. The whole do unto others thing. Works. As for the fits with the diaper changing...maybe time to start potty training. My oldest would probably still be in a diaper if I let her..and she's 19...LOL...My youngest decided she didn't want me to have anything to do with that function. Wanted to take care of herself. When we started with the big girl panties and such..she was very cooperative and much happier.

I am going to give you a different answer than some of the other Mamas have given you. I would NOT ever bite my child in order to show him that you do not want him to bite!!! You are trying to teach this little person attitudes and skills that will serve him well as he grow into an adult. If you were dealing with an adult who was doing something that you didn't like would you do the EXACT SAME THING in order to show him/her that you didn't like the action? My 25 month old grandson has been taught from the time he was old enough to start interacting with things and people about "gentle touches" and they frequently talk about how other people are reacting to things. "Yes I see that baby is crying, I wonder why he is sad". Kieran is a wonderful, sensitive little boy ( Ok I will admit that I am a bit predjudiced!!!). I would talk to him about how that "hurt Mama" and try to redirect his frustration or anger to another "safe" way of letting it out
As so the getting dressed, changing his diaper battles etc....try to give him as much "choice" in things as you can "Would you rather change your diaper on the bed or on the floor?" "Would you rather wear the red shirt or the green shirt?". Don't wait until the last minute to get him dressed, brush his teeth, whatever it is....so you have time to let him feel some sense of "control". This is what the ultimate difficulty is...he is just beginning to realize that he is a seperate person and has some "power", he is trying to figure out how to use it. Your job is to help him learn the right way to use these "powers". Forget naughty chairs, forget time out...HE isn't bad...the ACTIONS are!!! Handle these things with love and kindness and a very generous dose of patience and everything will be ok!!!

My answer makes alot of mom's cringe but it worked for us and we had to biters and one of the biters liked to pinch and slap... i give them 2 warnings.. the first is an "ow that really hurt... Please do not do that again" the 2nd one is " OW. i said that really hurt.. if you do it again i'm going to show you how that felt" and the 3rd time i do whatever the child did to me... they quickly learn that yes it does hurt. i don't do it hard enough to actually hurt them... just enough for them to widen their eyes and say hey! that hurt! my girls realised after 1-3 goes and the behaviour ended.

I am going through a similar thing. It is important to remember that most of his actions are not him being naughty or bad, rather normal parts of his development, or reacting to not yet being in control of his emotions. I just found the most amazing book and have been trying the ideas out on my son with great success. "Positive Discipline: The First Three Years." Here is a taste of the book:

The section on tantrums is really good.

I wanted to share a bit.

"Tantrums are loud, highly visible, and embarrassing (at least, to adults). They are also quite normal. Young children have all the feelings adults have. They feel sad, happy, and frustrated, but they lack both the words for those feelings and the skills (and impulse control) to cope with them. In fact, the part of the brain that is responsible for emotional regulation and self-calming (the prefrontal cortex) is not completely grown until a person is twenty to twenty-five years old. Until that time, a child's ability to recognize and manage his emotions is sketchy at best. ... Once adults understand why children's overloaded senses sometimes flash into tantrums, they can quit feeling responsible for them. Sometimes, no matter what you say or do, your child will get overwhelmed and throw tantrums. "

Then it goes through how to handle them:

Basically (they provide nice examples and expand on each idea)
1. calm yourself down and stay calm so you can remain kind and firm

2. provide safety and damage control (move things that can be thrown, move out of hitting range, etc...)

3. do not try to fix a tantrum by giving in or with rewards-this will only earn you more tantrums-remain kind, calm, and firm and let the storm blow over

4. don't get hooked by your child's behavior "Tantrums are rarely as personal as they seem. Remember that your child is not being malicious or "bad" and lacks the ability to fully control his emotions. If you are at home and your child is safe, you may want to go into the next room or pick up a book to look at. This sends the message that you aren't angry but neither will you let yourself be manipulated by kicking and screaming.

5. Allow emotions to settle. talk quietly (after settled) about what happened and reassure your child that while his behavior may have been inappropriate, you love him very much.

6. Offer support. Children may need a hug...a wordless, comforting hug may help both of you feel better.

7. help your child make ammends (help clean up, pick up, repair...)

8. forgive and forget and plan ahead (if you can see what triggered this one, try to avoid the trigger next time...)

I just had to share. So happy to have found a book that makes sense to me, and that supports kids and parents in positive ways!

M.

It sounds like you are really trying to be thoughtful - kuddos to that! And yes, aggression on our part tends to create more aggressive tendencies in our children. Your story could have mirrored by son at 13 months, 18 months and again and 2.5 years. He always moves out of the phases. What worked for me may or may not work for you.

In general, if he was hurting me during a diaper change I would try to move out of the line of fire, firmly state (once) "Ouch. That hurts my body." Then, when the change was completed I would set him back on the ground and walk away stating "I don't want to play with you when you hurt my body." This same reaction occurred as a result of all aggressive behavior but the beautiful part is with other situations I didn't have to stick around for as long (and continue to get hurt) as there wasn't a half naked child in front of me. :)

Later, when my son would find me (1 minute later?) I would try to model the language of "checking in" with me while using reflective language. For example, I would say, "You didn't like getting your diaper changed. Mommy changes your diaper so your body can be healthy. It hurts my body when you ___".

Then later during play (because that was already A LOT of language, I would role play with dolls or sing a song incorporating the safer choices. For example having the dolls act out a similar scenario with the angered one stating "I don't like this."

-The rambling thoughts of an overly tired mother

Most kids that I have been around have gone through some amount of this kind of thing. My boys both went through biting phases. The only way I found to stop it was to be firm with time outs and follow through. That means if we are at the store and X hits or bites he is told "If you do that again, we will leave." Than follow through. This is really helpful around other kids. They really DO want to play and eventually figure out that if they want to stick around, you can't do ___. I would do your best not to show any excess emotion. It is fine to show you are hurt when they hurt you, but going overboard will get you no-where.
Also- Who bites their kids? That sounds bizarre to me. And counter intuitive.

We just went through this a little while ago... what I found to work best was a combination of a few things.
1) I would hold her on my lap, with her hands in my hands, and not let her go until she agreed to be nice to me.
2) I would "cry"... this seems dumb, but I wanted her to see that she had really hurt me. This worked the best... before long, and still, she will pull my face up and tell me "It ok. I sorry." and give me a huge hug. She is now even getting to the embarrassment part where she won't show her face for a few min. because she knows she did something wrong.
3) If it was during play, or just random, I would tell her owe, let her know that I was hurt and not very happy with her, and then I would ignore her. It didn't take her long to figure out that she needed to be nice.
I never went for an "I'm sorry" as much as a softer, gentler behavior.

hi,
sorry to heare of your troubles, what has always worked for me is if they do it to you, do it back,not super hard but enough that they get its unpleasent. My girls arent biters but were hair pullers, well we have tons of hair here so that stopped real quick! lol kids that age are smart and know exactly what they are doing so pair it with a stern no! u be nice! they get upset but say see?? it hurts! just to let u know i never got involved in tapping or slapping hands, their bones are so small u would be suprised just how easy it is to break them. i swat the but if needed, you can't injure them that way and it's covered by a diaper so they get that they are in trouble but aren't really hurting, just upset. stick with it and if all else fails move on to time outs, my 2 yr old will even get a timeout and she knows exactly why and what it is bc my 5 yr old gets them alot!! but there behavior does a 180 afterward. good luck!

There's a great book called "Mothering your nursing toddler". Check that out from your library (or buy it if you can). It's a great book and deals with so much more than just nursing!

I utilize time outs for our son. They are very brief and I only require him to sit still on the floor where he has been placed for 30 seconds or so. It has a much bigger response than a spanking and I can't justify "hitting for hitting". There are times he gets a short spanking but never for hitting or showing aggression. He went through a hitting phase around 18 months and has now grown out of it. I also told him that if he is frustrated he can hit the couch or a pillow but not people or animals. I hope you find a solution!

We really haven't experienced this with our kids - not sure if it's because we set a different tone in our house at an early age regarding accepted behavior.

My kids have never hit either my husband or me intentionally - accidents always happen. But, we wouldn't tolerate the lack of respect (nor would we if we saw it happening with friends/school mates_/

We have a 23 month-old and a 3.5 year old, and they're getting rougher with one another in their play. Last night our daughter (23 mo) pushed her brother. A stern "NO, we do not push" appeared to do the trick.

Some people don't believe in raising your voice. I personally believe you need to be authoritative (without being abusive/threatening).

Whatever the behavior, as parents, we have to address it and correct it at that time. No one is going to have the right answer for you, and you're going to hear both sides of the argument on time-outs vs. spankings. But, addressing it, being consistent and not tolerating certain behaviors is key.

We've learned recently with our 3.5 year old, that he does really well when he's praised for his good behaviors vs. nagging for his bad. We do both, but when the praise outweighs the reprimand, it puts things in a much more positive light. One thing he's really responded to well at school is having a "tree of kindness" - they get rewarded with having a decoration on the tree for good deeds done. In February, it was hearts, I'm sure it will be shamrocks in March. But, if he helps another kid put their nap items away, it warrants a decoration. He gets so excited to see his name there for being a good friend. Maybe worth a try even at a younger age?

My daughter is doing the same thing, but she is 29 months (2.5 years I like to say). So, yikes! Hopefully his behavior will curb soon or you are in for it for a while. I have tried to do a "time out" or "think it over" or just walk away and put her down sternly and tell her I don't want to be around a girl who is not nice and gentle. It doesn't work super well, so I want to see the other comments too. Thanks!

Ditto with what Amanda suggested. He thinks this is a game and loves your reaction. Do not scream, just be firm and have him sit in a naughty chair. Do not talk to him while he is sitting because he loves the attention he is getting from you. After a minute or two tell him no hitting, no pinching, no biting, whatever he did give him a hug and move on. If he will not sit in a chair put him into the play pen for time out. If you are consistent with a consequence he will get it faster. That old expression actions speak louder then words really applies her. No offense but I am sure biting back works but I am not sure if dealing with aggression by using aggression is the correct approach. This is not uncommon behavior it is just important how we handle it. Good luck!!

I highly recommend http://www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com. You can read the book online there or buy it cheaper than at Amazon.com. That book has helped tremendously. Read the whole thing with an open mind and see what it can do for you. I has transformed my home whenever I decide to apply the principles. Good luck!

I tried so hard to get my son to stop biting me. No matter what I did he thought it was funny to see Mom jump and he just did not understand that what he was doing was hurting me. After months of this, he bit me hard and I just didn't know what to do anymore. So I firmly bit his shoulder (he had layers of clothes on) just enough to get his attention. He was shocked. And he cried, and I cried with him and said how sorry I was and I told him again why we do not bite - because it hurts. I felt awful, but we never had a problem with biting again.

Good for you for reaching out for alternative discipline suggestions. As parents we try so hard to do what's best for our kids. We try "reasoning" or timeouts to try to work things out, and if that doesn't work sometimes we resort to treating them harshly because we think it's the only thing that will help them.

What I have found most helpful is to understand a little of the science behind how our brains work. When we're upset, the thinking center of our brain shuts down (That's the part that controls our attention, reasoning skills, judgment and impulse control.) The same thing happens to our children, they have BIG feelings and they literally can't think.

This is why reasoning with an upset child doesn't work. They just aren't in reasoning mode. It's not anything you or your child is doing wrong. It's simply how our brains work. But we don't have to be victims to these emotional storms. A little listening and empathy can go a long way to rebuilding the connection your child needs to get his good thinking back.

When your child starts to bite or hit you, gently stop him. Take a breath and tell yourself he's asking for help with some feelings. You can calmly and warmly tell him you see that he wants to hit or bite you, but that you can't let him do that. Remind him that your home is safe and NO ONE gets hit or bit. He may start to struggle and tantrum, but keep holding him gently and lovingly, letting him know you are going to hold his hands while they want to hit. It's your job as the parent to keep both of you safe. (If at anytime you feel yourself tensing up, holding him too tightly or feeling angry it's time to give yourself a timeout and let him know you can't listen to his feelings anymore right now.)

My experience with my daughter's aggression is that once she gets the big feelings out of her system (with me listening and telling her I love her no matter what, but also keeping us safe from hitting, etc) she is a happy, creative, loving kid again.

While my daughter has never bitten me, though she "toyed" with the idea by biting my clothes, I would give her a pillow and tell her she could bite it as hard as she wanted. And boy, would she bite that pillow! I cheered her on while she bit it and told her she was doing a great job getting all her frustration and anger out. We all have big feelings. Most of us weren't given the space to release them in healthy, non-hurtful ways so it can be a challenge to find creative ways to let our children experience and release their emotions so they can get back to their good judgment and impulse control.

Here is an excellent article that talks about toddlers and biting: http://www.handinhandparenting.org/news/14/64/What-to-do-...

Good luck to you! Your son is lucky to have a mom who is searching for alternatives and wanting to help him through this difficult behavior!

Updated

Good for you for reaching out for alternative discipline suggestions. As parents we try so hard to do what's best for our kids. We try "reasoning" or timeouts to try to work things out, and if that doesn't work sometimes we resort to treating them harshly because we think it's the only thing that will help them.

What I have found most helpful is to understand a little of the science behind how our brains work. When we're upset, the thinking center of our brain shuts down (That's the part that controls our attention, reasoning skills, judgment and impulse control.) The same thing happens to our children, they have BIG feelings and they literally can't think.

This is why reasoning with an upset child doesn't work. They just aren't in reasoning mode. It's not anything you or your child is doing wrong. It's simply how our brains work. But we don't have to be victims to these emotional storms. A little listening and empathy can go a long way to rebuilding the connection your child needs to get his good thinking back.

When your child starts to bite or hit you, gently stop him. Take a breath and tell yourself he's asking for help with some feelings. You can calmly and warmly tell him you see that he wants to hit or bite you, but that you can't let him do that. Remind him that your home is safe and NO ONE gets hit or bit. He may start to struggle and tantrum, but keep holding him gently and lovingly, letting him know you are going to hold his hands while they want to hit. It's your job as the parent to keep both of you safe. (If at anytime you feel yourself tensing up, holding him too tightly or feeling angry it's time to give yourself a timeout and let him know you can't listen to his feelings anymore right now.)

My experience with my daughter's aggression is that once she gets the big feelings out of her system (with me listening and telling her I love her no matter what, but also keeping us safe from hitting, etc) she is a happy, creative, loving kid again.

While my daughter has never bitten me, though she "toyed" with the idea by biting my clothes, I would give her a pillow and tell her she could bite it as hard as she wanted. And boy, would she bite that pillow! I cheered her on while she bit it and told her she was doing a great job getting all her frustration and anger out. We all have big feelings. Most of us weren't given the space to release them in healthy, non-hurtful ways so it can be a challenge to find creative ways to let our children experience and release their emotions so they can get back to their good judgment and impulse control.

Here is an excellent article that talks about toddlers and biting: http://www.handinhandparenting.org/news/14/64/What-to-do-...

Good luck to you! Your son is lucky to have a mom who is searching for alternatives and wanting to help him through this difficult behavior!

With our kids- there was a bit of this and what we would do is take their hands and say gentle, gentle and rub our faces. Amazingly we did this between them as well- when they would start to rough house, we would have them hug. And now they randomly walk around the house and hug.

The easiest thing to do is to use force back, trying to teach them new behavior is a challenge because it is not as instant.

My son was biting at daycare from about age one to 18 months. I know that is different than biting you, but I think some of the same response can work. Here is the plan we wrote up:

Before he acts out:
Shadow him and watch for signs that he may act out, such as starting to cry while looking at a toy in another child’s hands, grabbing at a toy in another child’s hands, having a toy taken from him… and redirect him before he acts out.

When he is good:
Name and reward his positive behavior

If he bites, hits or slaps:

1) Immediate response to the behavior (for example: immediately pick him up and remove him from the situation.

2) Use consistent language to identify the behavior: ''That is biting. You may not bite, it hurts.'' It helps if everyone dealing with him uses the same language.

3) Comfort and pay attention on the child that was bitten or hit. (When at home, I do find that naming the behavior and then saying I can't be with you when you bite, kick etc. If you continue to do this, I will need to leave. Then follow though. I still use this when he fusses instead of uses his words (he's two now) and it does seem to work.

Another idea is to attach a bite toy to his wrist/ shirt and tell him it's never ok to pinch mommy or anyone else, but he can pinch that.

When your child hurts you, it is a big no. And if he ever bites you, it is an even bigger not. Big taboo in our culture. The answer is to remove him you. Simply pick him up or walk away from him. No anger (and this is the key) turn your face, place him safely on the floor. If you must scream or yell go outside. At his age, he is too young to put in time out. Just remove yourself from him with no anger. And the no anger is the key. Every time he hurts you.

first off, the kid sees that you are the soft touch, so he does what he wants,
and knows that you wont discipline him. which is why he treats you badly
to begin with.it is also why he dosent mistreat his father, because he knows he will get his behind warmed for him.that being said, the next time the child decides to pinch, slap or otherwise hurt you, get up, stop whatever you were doing for him and walk away completely, for ten minutes. if you were feeding him lunch, and he suddenly pinches you, get up, throw the rest of his lunch in the trash and walk away for ten minutes. if he cant be nice, he can be hungry. if you are changing him and he slaps
you, stop changing him, put him in a pair of pullups, and walk away for ten minutes. if his father decides he doesnt like you taking this approach,
then let him deal with it
K. h.

I am having the same problem with my 18 month old, although he doesn't bite, he just hits, slaps and pinches. He just had his 18 month appt and I asked his pediatrician what I should do and she said if he does it on the changing table to tell him a firm no and if the diaper isn't on put him somewhere where it is ok to pee if he does for a minute. Then go back to changing him. If he does it anywhere else to give him a firm no and then get up and walk away. She said they have a short attention span and if it happens right before you go to bed they will move on quickly. I feel your pain! It will get better though :)

The key is to find a disipline that actually is one to your child. The hand tapping or flicking never worked with our son - it just didn't bother him. We started time outs around 18 months and that really solves just about any behavior problem for us still at 2 years. Now it is usually just the question "do you want to go in time out?" That changes the behavior. Another option is taking away a favorite toy or privlidge. The key is to be consistent and carry through.

Just a short answer:
For discipline I would read any book about "Parenting with Love and Logic".
To understand what's going on I would read:"Your two-year old : terrible or tender / by Louise Bates Ames and Frances." It's a book about child development from the 70's--a classic. I don't agree with everything on it, but there's this theory where children hit a "disequilibrium" point at each 1/2 year mark (6mo.18mo.2y1/2mo, and so on). It helps you see that it is a phase, why behavior changes, and understand it. It states that "you are the enemy to be conquer". I know it sounds weird, but is an interesting theory and I have seen that most children go through this "disequilibrium" to some degree. Sorry this is not a very practical solution, but more to educate yourself for long term solution--that's what I do.

You are correct that hitting or biting him back is just going to teach him that it is ok to do that when you are mad at someone. Violence begets violence. Time outs were the best thing I ever did! I too felt guilty when I disciplined my child, but I finally realized that discipline is part of being a good parent. My child also went through a phase of biting, hiting and pinching (at about 18 months too). I finally started doing time outs and it worked like a charm. I gave a warning, and the next time she went straight into time out. I saw an instant decrease in these behaviours. After a few days, I didn't give a warning anymore. If she bit, she went straight into timeout for 90 seconds. After a day or two she completely stopped hitting, biting and pinching!

If you feel guilty when you hit him back or pinch him back, that means deep down you know it is wrong to hit or pinch your child. You are correct that you are teaching him big people can bully small people. Please use time outs instead! Good luck and remember discipline doesn't have to physically hurt your child. You can discipline with a gentle hand and still get great results!