Disciplining My 2 Year and Almost 5 Year Old

I am a mom of a 6 yr old boy and a 3 1/2 yr old girl. I run a daycare from my home. I am having the same trouble with my kids and even the daycare kids sometimes. I try not to raise my voice with the daycare kids as they are not mine and I do not want to scare them. I only raise my voice when really needed. TIme out works best for me, as far as the getting out and chasing and all that jazz, i go through it every day with one specific child that i care for. I find that although very time consuming, i need to stand in front of the child and explain to her what she has done wrong, how it made the other child or (myself sometimes) feel. If i can not stand in front of her and she gets out, when I can get to her which is usually a minute or so later, I tell her that she has to go back in time out for getting out of time out in the first place. I have always been told that the recommended time for time out is 1 minute per year of life. Hope this helps

I just want to say thank you. I have a 2 1/2 yr old and a 5 year old and I have problems with discipline and I too am a yeller. I try the time-out, but I am not consistent so it doesnt work. All the advice you have gotten was helpful.

You and your husband are not alone my sister. We are going throughthe same thing, and arr all my other girl friends as well. I too am 36, i have 2 girls, ages 3 & 6, so I know all too well what youare going through. My husband has a very short fuse, soit doesn't take much for him to "lose it" and use threats, or raise his voice etc. I have come to the conclusion that those tacticts do not work, and will not work. It only ecalates the problem. I use a technique that when something is happening, and they are not listening, I stop before I throw out orders, I stop, and think for a second, is what I am about to say going to help or hurt the situation? THen, I try to be loving and caringand get to the root of the issue of why they are not listening in the first place. I have found that it is all about control. If you give them a sense of actually having any, it might help. I am still struggling, we all are, you are not alone. This is hard work. I have recently read a wonderful, life changing book called unconditional parenting by alfie kohn, and it will change the way you parent and change the way you ook at your child and other children for that matter. Even if you do not wish to apply his ideas, it is so worth the read, if anything to gain another perspective on children, and you may found out things about yourself as well, check it out. I hope this helps, YOU and your husband are not alone, know that.

Time outs should begin when the child is successfully in time out and restarted every time they get up. The time out time should not be spent chasing them. This is difficult, but it will pay off if you don't give up. I have 2 girls 5 and 2 and just the threat of time out now is enough to get them to clean up, brush teeth, whatever the request was. I also run an at home day care and this is effective from about 18 months on if you are consistent. Good luck!

Hello,
Definitely add time to the time out. Time outs don't start until the child is calm otherwise they are just stalling by running away or screaming or whatever they do. I feel your pain I try to stay calm but I'm a yeller too. I have three kids and sometimes its hard to deal with everyone at one time.

Hi J.,
I know when you put them in time out and they get out you are suppose to restart the timeout until they stay where you put them. I know it is hard to do this when they are laughing and running away but in time they will reaiize you are serious and they will sit there when you put them there. Good luck. I am sure when the timeout gets better you will find yourself yelling less.
SK

I feel your pain! It takes a while, but I found our digital timer to be a life saver (for lots of things). It is a magnetic timer/clock from Radio Shack - about $10. If we are in the kitchen I use the one on the stove. Anyway, time does not begin until the crying stops and my son (3 1/2) is sitting in one place. Just recently I started using a stool in the middle of the kitchen floor - he can't get down and is in the midst of all the comotion, where I can see him when I'm cooking. If he moves away time stops until he is back - I don't add time, I just don't let any pass. Good luck and I'll certainly be reading the posts from all the other mommies - I have twins that are almost old enough to learn right from wrong. Remember that after you yell kids need a hug and the reassurance that you are both going to try to do better next time! :)

Have you ever watched Supernanny. I don't agree totally with everything she does but almost every week she uses time out. She puts the kids there and does not start time out till they are sitting. If they get up before the time is over then it starts again. This way you aren't really adding time, but just starting the same amount of time later in the time out. I've seen two year olds sit then get up and apologize because they realize they've done something wrong. It will be tough at first but try it. You will see a big difference.

Hi J.,

I can totally relate to where you are right now...I too have a 2 year old and a strong willed 4 year old and I too have a quick temper. I used to feel my the anger quickly building and then exploding all over my children in a screaming fit. I knew that this was not the type of mom I wanted to be, nor was it who I wanted my children to become. So, I decided to take a step back and reflect on what was happening. I soon realized that I too was threatening and not following through until things had gotten out of hand, at which point I had reached my breaking point. So, what I did (with the support of my husband of course) was ask my children to modify their behavior once in a calm, polite manner. If they do not "obey" they go to time out (no questions asked). The time out started when they were seated in the timeout chair (not running around laughing or throwing themselves on the ground in a fit). If they got out of timeout, I calmly (without making eye contact) went over to them and placed them back in timeout (sometimes this went on for 15 minutes before they actually sat there for the entire 2 or 4 minutes without getting out). Once timeout is over, I sit down on the floor with them in my lap and we talk about why they were in timeout, who God wants them to be & how He wants them to act, we wrap things up by praying to God and asking God to forgive them for their disobedience etc. and then they ask the person they wronged (me, their sibling, etc.) to forgive them for what they did. I find this has helped me keep my cool and be more of the mom I want to be and it has given my children a deeper understanding of who I want them to be, but more importantly, who God calls them to be. While I still find those times when they push my buttons, I use the time that they are in timeout to compose myself through prayer so that when we talk I can come from a place of love and not anger. I hope this helps in some way J..

Blessings,
C.

Hi J.,

My 2 1/2 year old has his share of temper tantrums too. Thankfully, when he is given a time out, he knows just where to go - and he stays there...so far!

Anyway, I've heard (and read) that it's important to acknowledge your child's feelings when he's escalated. Try to speak to him calmly and give him options in regard to the offending behavior - before going to time out.

My son tends to scream a lot when he wants something. We have a 7 month old son as well, so my preschooler gets frustrated when he has to wait (even 10 seconds!). His response is to scream for what he wants. If he begins to escalate before I can attend to him, I remind him about taking turns and staying calm. I tell him that I know he's upset - I know he wants _________, and I can help him soon, but he must stop screaming and use a nice, indoor voice. He gets the opportunity to calm down on his own before he goes in time out.

I know it's tough. I came from a family of yellers/screamers as well, and have caught myself losing control. I try to remind myself that children learn by example - and the best example is Mom & Dad! If I yell at him, I'm only reinforcing the fact that yelling is okay - when it's not.

I'm far from the perfect mother, and wouldn't consider myself a nominee for the "mother of the year" award. What I do doesn't work all the time for us, but like you, my husband and I support each other in our efforts to remain consistent.

I agree that an egg timer should be used and time re-started if your child removes himself from time out. Hopefully, it won't take too many time-outs for your son to realize you mean business! ;o)

Best of luck, and keep us posted!

Don't start counting the time out time until they stay where their suppose to. I once put my son back on the "naughty stair" for 45 mins before he stayed there. Now we don't have to do that anymore, he just stays until we say he can get up.

time outs don't work for most kids...try taking away priveleges. take away t.v. time, computer, ice cream, candy, desserts; every kid has a vice! whatever it is, take it away as a punishment and whatever you do, DO NOT give it back (get on same page with husband) early for good behavior or you will be back at square one. stick to your guns and you will find yourself with much fewer problems in the long run. good luck!

Hi J..
I too am from a long line of "yellers" and I HATED being yelled at as a kid. I had great parents, don't get me wrong, but if something went wrong, it was always yelling first. And like you, I can feel it rising in me and it's always my first reaction. I am working on it...but I think something like this takes some time to "put off" completely. :) Just wanted to let you know there was someone else out there with that issue. And I also have 2 boys, 2 and 5. And they are completely driving me crazy lately becuase they shout and wrestle and hurt each other and my 5 year old gets the little one all worked up so he's constantly screaming. We're going through the same discipline issues and trying to work them out. I'm thankful for your question because your responses are helping me. It's like, the stuff you know already but you need someone to explain it again. :)

Hopefully as the weather gets better and life feels new again after the winter everyone will just CALM DOWN!!! :)

Blessings to you and yours.
L.

Oh my gosh, you sound just like me! I actually have two children of the exact same age, but mine are girls. My mom was definitely a yeller, as well as short-tempered, and as much as I swore I would never be like her, I have seen myself do just that in many ways (which drives me crazy!) since I have become a mother. I remember hating bringing friends over because of my Mom, and I don't want my kids to feel that way! One thing I do remember from being a kid, I remember that my mom yelled so much, that after a while it didn't even catch my attention anymore, I basically (as did all four of my sisters) just tuned her out. I think that, ideally, yelling should hardly ever happen in a home. Not only is a home filled with yelling stressful, but if it's only happening occasionally it will actually grab attention (versus in my house, where it just became the standard and us kids just started ignoring it). Of course, this is easy for me to say, not so easy for me to do, so I can tell you of a surety - no, you are NOT the only one. This is something taht I have truly been working on for a while. I think it's even harder when you grew up with it and it's so ingrained in you. Sometimes it's all I can do to not SCREAM my head off at my girls when they are acting up, and other times, I am like you, and I totally lose control of my anger and ending hating myself for it later. It's a constant battle.
I've said this on this site before, but I'll say it again. I have learned so much from watching the show Super Nanny on ABC, wednesday nights at 9am eastern time. I actually hate reality shows, but this is one that's useful! It deals with exactly the stuff you're talking about - successful timeouts, energetic children with discipline issues, parents who are trying to discipline without yelling or losing their cool...it's been a great help to me as a parent. I still struggle with the anger thing, but I have seen some improvement, and this show is a weekly reminder of the parent I am trying to be (and the parent I am trying NOT to be!), what I am trying to do, and what works best. If possible, you and your husband should watch the show together!
About the timeout thing. I agree with you - it should be 5 minutes (or 2, for your younger boy) of SITTING in the time out spot, not 5 minutes of chasing through the house. After all, that's not really time out, is it? It's more of a game at that point, like five minutes of playing chase, and therefore not a punishment at all. It may take a couple of half hour or hour-long efforts to get them to actually stay there for the allotted time, but it will be TOTALLY worth it in the end. Anyhow, hang in there and good luck!

A few guidelines:

While putting them in time out, walk them back each time, do not respond or talk to them and keep walking them back. if you continue to do this, AND FOLLOW THRU, in days, the behavior should end. Keep in mind bc you work part time, the game starts all over for them each time they are home with mom and not at daycare, so you may have to reinforce a few times each week.

Another great thing is to ADD BACK instead of taking away. (Also, your two year old cannot comprehend taking away. so you can take it away, and he understands he did something wrong, but he cannot link the consequence...so don't continue this bc it is extremely confusing to him!). So, instead of taking away their favorite show, explain that good behavior gets their favorite show...not bad behavior takes it away. the reverse psychology works extremely well...they are striving for something and feel confident when they get it, the feeling is so great for them...that they don't even realize it is a trick. so, if your son loves 5 toys, remove them from the room each night. in the morning, explain that if they behave well for a period of time, he gets to have his fav toy out of the 5. then, if good behavior continues, he gets the 2nd toy. This can be very tedious, but it will detantrum the kids...but you need to follow thru. before you know it, the stage will be over and you can move on.

ps spring fever is here for boys, so get them running!

As far as time outs go....they shouldn't start until the child is sitting in the desired spot....and if they get up before, it's starts over from zero. I tell my children to go sit on their beds until they feel better or until I feel better...it's okay to be angry but this way we can all calm down, they are in a safe and comforting spot and I am not in the middle of the meltdown...I've had my kids scream and cry(especially at first) for an hour...but after awhile they get it and for the most part very calmly...they've even learned to go lay down when they feel a fit coming on, I think it's a gift teaching your child that it's okay to be upset and how to step back and take a breath...I don't send them in there for everything...normal warnings first, stop the behavior etc...as for you screaming and feeling horrible...the fact that you feel regret means you're on the right track so don't feel guilty, we all make mistakes...apoligize to your children, tell them that you were wrong and that you shouldn't have screamed like that...there are lots of places you can go to find parenting classes...the local library or the hospital or ask your peditrican...it's nice to go and realize that you're not alone...the same things don't work for each child so let your childs personality rule the way you decipline him...I have 5 boys and different things work for each one...some just need a reminder, others more decipline...and remember you can always take a mommy time out...tell the boys..."I have to go to time out, I feel angry" and go sit on your own bed or hide in the bathroom or call a friend till you calm down! Goodluck!

Super Nanny says the clock starts when the child stays in the naughty spot. I agree with that! Be consistent with putting them back in the chair, corner, or where ever it is. They will try to wear you down until you finally give in, and let them go. Don't do it. The time out isn't working if they don't have to sit there for the entire period. Maybe you could speak with your husband about it when you aren't both already dealing the child who's running away. Bring it up with him when the kids are being good, and out of ear shot, or even while they are sleeping.

As for the yelling, I feel your pain! Wish I had something helpful there, but I am a yeller too. Hope you get some helpful advice on that.

Watch an episode of Suppernanny on TV....her technique for time outs is great......the clock does not start on their time until they are sitting quietly and when they do get up, the trick is to put them back, but not say a word to them no matter how many times you have to put them back..continuing to talk to them only feeds the fire...I have seen episodes where it takes an hour to get a child to sit for three minutes for the first time out, but after a couple of times they know you mean business and sit quietly with no antics....good luck.

I have a 5-year-old saint of a boy 95% of the time, however he still needs to be reminded that Time Out is Time Out and the more he tries to wiggle his way out of it, the longer the time out gets.

My 3-year-old daughter tares apart her room when in time out, again which isn't that often, however, I feel if I don't nip in the bud now she'll be worse off later. Today, she hit my son, and was told to go to her room. When I got there to talk with her about her time out she was wripping the sheets off her bed, I firmly told her NO that's not acceptable behavior, and asked if she was ready to listen. She then flopped on her bed and hid her head under her blanket, so I left the room calmly with the sheets, pillow, and her dress-up dress, and said I'd be back when she was ready to listen. She started throwing her books, so I walked back in picked her up, put her on her bed and said that this is unacceptable behavior and you are in Time Out. Are you ready to listen now? Okay. Looking her in the eye, I told her: "You are not allowed to hit your brother. You are not allowed to pull toys out of his hands. That's not how we treat people." You are in Time Out, I will be back in 2 minutes. Okay.
Of course, while all this is happening my son wants to know that she is okay and he's already forgiven her so that she doesn't have to suffer a time-out!!! =>
When I go back in to get her, I explain again why she was in Time Out and then have her apologize to her brother...she apologizes and we get big hugs.

Although it takes longer, its worth the effort because they know I mean business and they aren't going to get away with whatever mischeif they did. Next time I say, "do you need a time out?" They immediately re-think the behavior. But again for the most part they behave very nicely. I tell them constantly how nice they play together, or how sweet they are for thinking of the other. I always give them compliments for using their words instead of their hands. "I like the way you worked through that problem. That was really nice communication."

Be Strong, not angry!

I tend to think your husband is wrong in not wanting to give this the time it needs and that time depends on your children and how long it takes them to respond properly to it. It's a power struggle and if the children win, they have learned nothing but that they can get away with bad behavior. Tell your husband this isn't about him but infact about doing the right thing for the children. If he's not going to be helpful with this, continue on with it on your own....

Yelling after a while goes in one ear and out the other...it doesn't work. Mom, learn to slow yourself down in terms of your temper. Direct that energy into breathing instead. Not easy but can be done if you allow yourself the time to practice.
There are patterns of things that push our buttons and make us angry...think about the things that push your buttons...become more awear of them and as you do, don't be hard on yourself about any of it. Also during this time practice breathing properly....take in air through your nose gently filling your lungs and at the count of 3 let the air out through your mouth....As you do this, You will begin to feel your body relaxing.
Then on the on-set of any situation that is going to up set you...STOP and tell yourself to breath properly and do it until your body feels more relaxed...then deal with the situation.
If at first you fail...don't be hard on yourself and just keep working on it...it takes time to learn.

as far as the time out goes....from watching PLENTY of super nanny....the clock doesn't start UNTIL their little butts are firmly planted AND STAYING in that time-out spot! so when they get up and run away, the clock resets! also you're supposed to tell them on the way there that they're in time out because.... put them there and then say NOTHING until time-out is done. not to say that any of this will work immediately, i'm still in the process of trying to get it down right, but we've gotten as far as when i scream (yeah, i'm a screamer w/ a short temper too lol) "that's it, you're going in time-out!" my daughter runs and sits on the bottom step (that's the only place we can put her) though she only sits there for about 30 seconds, 1 min at tops! and she's 2 so it's AT MOST 1/2 her time out time...so there's still a bit of fighting on that one, but watching super nanny, if you keep it up and DON'T GIVE IN then they'll break and sit in the time-out spot....you may also want to try and give a reward when they're good. when i "remind" my daughter NO touching the tv and she walks away and doesn't go back (which is rare, but it does happen) i'll go and get her some apple slices and say "here, would you like some apple slices since you were such a good girl?" and she says "thank you mommy" and sits there and eats them. though i'm sure apple slices won't work forever lol. good luck, and i hope this helps even if just in the slightest bit.