I need some help! I am a mother of 2 sons ages 9 & 7. They fight constantly. I can't take it anymore. The older one torments his brother, has huge tantrums if he doesn't get his way he get mad. He will yell at and hurt his brother for making noise or touching his things but he thinks it is OK for him to do the same thing, he will even get mad if his brother has to stay home and go to the Dr. or gets that good pink antibiotic. What are some good tips for disciplining a 9 year old boy? I have used time outs and reward programs in the past and have been grounding him which just succeeds in getting him to have 1-2 hour raging, crying tantrums. He wants to know why I am not grounding his brother and cannot understand when I tell him it is because his brother has not done anything wrong. I have been charting their good and bad behavior so they can both see what they have been doing and I write the good in red to reinforce the positive. I am at a loss, I need some help! Thank you.
My daughter has two boys, 2 years apart just like you. they also fought constantly. One day she tied them together so they would learn to work together and not fight each other all the time. It worked!
I have a friend who had a marvelous method of dealing with her sons when they didn't get along. She put the boys on either side of their sliding glass door and had them stand nose to nose. I understand that they generally broke down in giggles after a bit.
As the eldest sibling of 3 brothers, I can also tell you that you may not know what all is going on between the two boys and sometimes the youngers are VERY good at subtly starting a problem and the elder gets blamed for reacting. Happened to me and I've watched it happen with other kids. Kids can be pretty sneaky about tormenting each other.
Another thought is it sounds like your 9 year old is jealous. You might try catching him interacting nicely with his brother and PRAISE him! The oldest gets a lot put on them sometimes and when they do well, it's not noticed, but a problem receives attention. Negative attention is better than none.
Hope these random thoughts help you. :)
My son is 8 and two of our "go to" punishments are:
#1 running laps - we have a large yard and he runs around the garage and garden area. # of laps depends on what he did. This works better for him than a time out because it helps get that extra energy out that can cause him built up frustration feelings.
#2 writing sentences or explanation of what he did wrong and how he can make better choices.
Have you tried reading "Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too?" I have little boys and it helps us, but I found out about it from parents of older boys who swear by it.
Has he always been this way or is it more recent? Any big changes in his life or issues at school? Where is their dad in all this?
At 9 years old, he should be done with trantrums and know better than to behave this way. Surely he must realize that he's not going to have to go to a doctor or get an antibiotic unless he is sick! I did read "Setting Limits For Your Strong-Willed Child" by Robert MacKenzie recently and I really like it. Maybe you would find it helpful. I would also read "How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and How To Listen So Your Kids Will Talk". It's a great little book about communicating with your kids and getting them on the same page as you as well as getting them to start coming up with their own solutions to their problems. Charting their behavior might only reinforce the feeling in him that he is "bad" and there's no way out of this deep dark hole where he has dug himself, so he might as well keep acting "bad". Would you consider having him get signed up for karate or some other form of martial arts? Because rather than it teaching him even more ways to beat up on his brother, it will teach him discipline and self-control.
Otherwise I would recommend some kind of therapy or family counseling. If you try what is recommended in these books, and keep at it consistently without any improvement, I would get a professional involved.
I took care of 5 boys under 8 (7, 5, 4, 4, 4)at one point and the oldest was similar.
Whenever he would throw a hissy fit, I never yelled back at him. I ALWAYS stayed calm. I would ask him 'Do you hear me yelling at you? Why are you yelling at me?' That sometimes would get him to stop yelling. Other times, I would ask him if he saw his dad or any other 'big' boy yelling. Of course he would say no, and I would tell him that I am not going to listen to him until he talks to me like a big boy. I almost made a joke out of it and would laugh when he would whine to me, so he eventually laughed whenever he whined and it stopped pretty quickly.
I think with a kid that age, they are somewhat torn between being a young kid and a teenager. If you stay calm and treat him more of an older kid, he will (hopefully) start acting more mature. When a parent starts getting excited and loud, I think that is when the child does so as well, you know?
Stay calm and ask him to talk to you like a big boy. If he doesn't, say you can't talk to him until he does.
Stay calm and never yell back.
I just wanted to add that I have 2 girls, ages 9 and 12. They have always gotten along great. However, this past year the older one is grumpier and picks fights. So, I think part of it is the age, puberty, etc. We took our older daughter to a child therapist to discuss her attitude. It has helped alot.
I have a nine year old boy and I just take his favorite things away from him when he acts up. For instance....TV, DS, Wii, playing with friends, favorite toy's etc. Works like a charm everytime. Good luck to you, I know how hard it can be.
Post house rules. Review them with both boys morning and evening.
Upon a broken rule, immediately implement a consequence. I have an 8 yo boy and NO ELECTRONICS for the day is his punishment. (and mine!
I wholeheartedly agree with Margie M's suggestion that, despite however the day is going, spend a few minutes (minimum) of alone time with each child, and find something positive. On the weekends, when you have more time, give them each half an hour, and schedule special, individual activities with each, so they can each have one-on-one time with their momma.
My brothers used to fight like cats and dogs; they will (probably) grow out of it--today, my brothers are great friends and love to do stuff together.
Does your family eat sugar? Have you looked into sugar addiction? It sounds like he has many of the same symptoms my son had. When we stopped eating sugar, his personality changed dramatically. It was like the real boy came out at last! I know it's a pretty drastic lifestyle change, but it's so worth it! And you get used to the new diet.
Is it too much to have them sit with holding hands ? my friend did this but I think they were a little younger. Have you tried soap in the mouth ? Some parents are really against this, but it was effective with me and it was for my friends kids and my own.
He does not seem happy and sounds like he is going through a lot of jealousy issues. Maybe there is a need for a counselor. My daughter had one for 6 months to help with anxiety and it really helped with her. or he could be strong willed, maybe there is some books on strong willed children that will help with displine.
