Discipline That Doesn't Punish the Entire Family

I never had much of a problem with punishments that punish the family. If life sucks for everyone if one gets in trouble that gives everyone a vested interest in everyone behaving.

What I mean is Billy sees Jimmy sneaking food in his room and snickers a little thinking he is getting busted and goes about his business. If Billy knows that both of them are going to get in trouble he is more likely to go up to Jimmy and say hey dumb butt!! You know we are going biking this weekend put that stuff back!!!

You only have one set of eyes, this gives you more. :)

I agree with jumping jacks and/or push ups. My 9 yo son and 12 yo daughter will both get these as quick punishments. If they huff or whine about it, we add 10, etc. We will also take away their DS, which they play individually, and computer time. This just means they have to move on to something else and doesn't really affect us as a group. Good luck.

In our house, misbehaving is often tied to having so much energy, DD really doesn't know what to do with it. So when she misbehaves, the energy comes out. She gets choices now: 25 jumping jacks OR 5 push-ups OR 10 "frog jumps" (jump squats). And we can do it anywhere. If you see us in a parking lot, with a kid doing jumping jacks next to the car, you can bet it's because someone was picking on someone else. And I mean ANYWHERE, and I mean RIGHT NOW. If she's embarrassed, well, sorry. I used to be embarrassed, until a stranger gave me the thumbs up for making her do it - in Target. We've only had to do it once in Target, and once in the grocery store. She hasn't tested me anywhere else yet. We've been doing this a year now.

The quantity will move up, when she gets better at them. She used to do only 10 jumping jacks, and when she got good at it, it became a game, until I moved her up to 25. It's going to be 30 soon, I think.

"Sending [a] six-year-old to his room for a couple of hours on a Saturday afternoon" sounds like it could be heaven to a six-year old, not punishment. He (or she?) is in a room with all his stuff, gets time off from the siblings, and isn't being asked to do anything unpleasant.

I'd never do a time out in the kid's own bedroom, or a "go to your room" punishment, because unless the kid's room has absolutely nothing of interest to the kid in it at all -- it's not really depriving him or her of anything except maybe being outside on a nice day, and kids this age are old enough to know there will be other nice days to go outside.

I also don't like chores as punishments; how will you later get them to do those chores just because the chores need to be done to keep the household running? Scrubbing toilets has to happen, whether as a punishment or just because they are dirty and need it; making it a punishment means that later if you say, "Your chore list this school year includes scrubbing the toilet," the child sees it as punishment when he's done nothing wrong.

Your older kids are old enough to have major things taken away for serious amounts of time. What is their "currency" -- the couple of things they really, really value, the loss of which would really affect them? If it's TV time, take that away: "If you do X, you will lose all TV time today and tomorrow as well. Sorry, I know favorite show Y is on tomorrow, but that is the discipline I've set. No, we will not Tivo or record it for you to see later." Then if they do X, well, they lose the TV time, no argument, no negotiation. In our house, arguing or trying to negotiate something less than what was established can result in losing even more of the desired thing. Set the consequences in advance if possible, so they know what they will lose if they do X or what else they lose if they do Y. But you can't anticipate every infraction or make a long list of every possible consequence.

So what matters to them? TV time, computer time, games are good candidates. If they planned to be out riding bikes, then they lose bike time and have to do something else that is not a regular chore and not likely to be one. Another thing to lose for really serious things is an anticipated outing like a play date or event. You were going to take them to the mall to the Lego store or whatever? Not happening. Six and seven are old enough to "get" that they were expecting to play with Jill in two days but will now not get to do that. I hate to suggest it because it punishes Jill too, and I would reserve it only for something major, but it does -- with many kids, maybe not all -- bring home that you do not get to do nice things if you do make certain poor choices. Yes, it still affects you because you don't have the time off that sending a child to Jill's house would have given you, but it will be effective.

Make sure they clearly connect the loss of the event with their own choices. You chose to do X; I said that if you did, you would lose something you liked; you have lost Y. That is how it works from now on. It's not a matter of mom being mean; it's a matter of the choices you make.

They will beg to "earn back" the denied TV time or computer time or outing or object but I'd say, no, the loss of this is your consequence. There is no earning it back. Next time you want to have a playdate/have this thing/watch TV, you need to stop and think. But for this time, it is gone.

As for leaving a sibling without a playmate, they will survive that. Learning to cope without any playmate around is frankly good for them--they don't always need to be amused by another kid or a sibling. And it enables you to say to the sibling who is not being disciplined, "I"m really sorry brother or sister isn't able to play with you, but he's being disciplined for making a poor choice. It affects you too but he has to lose this play time so he will make a better choice next time."

When my children were young, I asked them to sit with me and tell me what their fav things were ,whether it was a toy or watching movies and we put them on paper in the order the kids liked them, the first being their #1 best thing ever and so on, I posted a lists on the fridge, and for each time a child was told to do something (or stop doing something) they had to mark an item on the list. They weren't allowed to play with (or do the activity, ) until they could tell me why it was taken away and learn to genuinely apologize for it. If they continued to misbehave they would mark another item to be
taken away,and so on. The punishment for multiple incidents was losing those items/activities for at least 24 hrs. I put the responsibility of choosing back on the child making them understand they chose what to have taken away, and they could just as easily earn it back by acknowledging what they had done. It worked very well enough thru young teenage yrs, keeping in mind the items were more activity related, (Friday night footbal games , going to the mall, cell phone use,and so on) Won't hurt to try it ,.... C. s.

Not anything new and different. Its been tried and true and effective for generations. If they misbehave, give them extra work (chores) to do or get out the bored of education and file an environmental (behavioral) impact statement with their bottom.

If they begin to feel the error of their ways, they are less likely to repeat the behavioral mistake..

Good luck to you and yours.

Kind of an oxymoron! Lol

Families I know make exception for planned/scheduled family activities, then right back to the discipline when it's over.

Example: child can accompany/participate in the Sat morning bike trail ride, then home to the "in your room" or "no tv" when you get home.

Well, sometimes part of the consequence is that you or the other people miss out and then the kid gets the wrath of the siblings and the other kids are more likely to remind the kid it's not a good idea in the future. It seems "unfair" but neither is it right to allow a child to go to something that they should not attend as a consequence. You might consider a sitter if you already have tickets. The 4 of you go and the other kid stays home. If the other kid needs a playmate, you play with the child or call one of their friends.

There are times when my weekend got ruined because someone didn't behave and I had to stay home vs enjoying my afternoon because someone was supposed to be with friends. It happens. But IMO if you make a statement, you don't have to make that statement often. So if the kid gets picked up from a sleepover and you have to stay home, then hopefully that's a lesson learned.

Giving up stuff and rearranging stuff is parenting. It just is. DH had tickets for him and SS to a Weird Al concert - with backstage passes, even! And then SS got very very sick and all plans were off. DH could not just leave him with a sitter.

So try to figure out how everyone can still go, but occasionally just stay home (and share the load with DH) because a child has a lesson to learn. Oh, and if they are into video games - take the cables/controllers. Let them look at it but be unable to play with it.

Sometimes a punishment does effect the family, whether that is the family as a whole or a particular kid. It's a part of life sadly.

I've got 8 kids, and like 8kidsdad I tend to use extra work as punishment. Also taking something away that they really like: tv time, a video game, a whole gaming system, a bike or a box of lego's.

Those things tend to have less impact on the family and more impact on the individual child.

Take away things that they personally like. Do they normally watch TV, play video games, iPad, etc? Take that stuff away. And if the family is watching TV together, the one being punished can't be in the room.

The chores idea was also good. How about they have to go to bed early?

My daughter also give extra chores as discipline for her children. I was hesitant about this because I thought I would want them to like to do chores. I wouldn't want chores to be a punishment. But it works. They still have their regular chores to do. The extra chores seem to mean something different to them.

She also sends them to their room when they misbehave but not for a specific period of time. They can come out when they're ready to apologize and behave. This gives them some power to make a decision to be good.

My son has always responded much better to incentives than punishments. I'll say, "If you do not do X, even once, for 10 days, you can have Y." Thing is, the reward doesn't have to be anything big at all. With us, it's usually an activity book, a reading book, or a Pokemon thingy that I might have gotten him anyway. But if the kid really works for it, it seems like a big payoff b/c it's earned. And after 10 days, whatever habit was causing the trouble is gone.

We also do a points system. If he does something good (saying thank you, doing homework w/o being bugged, etc.), he gets a point. Something not so good, he loses a point. Great thing is, these points aren't redeemable for anything; no payout in the end. They're just a motivator.

With just about any kind of punishment, he immediately tries to punish me. I then have to ratchet up the punishment, to show I mean business, and we get into this miserable cycle of retribution.

The one punishment that did use to work (but no longer really does) was putting toys where he could see them but not reach them. When he was 3, there were sometimes a whole, whole lot of Thomas trains on top of the fridge.

Peer pressure does work though. You have to get everyone on board. If the 6 yr old does something he has to punished for then the 7 yr old can't play with him or the family can't go to the zoo. So start making that part of the conversation.
Honey we were going to go to the zoo this afternoon but since you didn't pick up your toys we all have to miss it. Get the other child and hubby on board with this.
Peer pressure works in basic training and team sports very well. If a new recruit doesn't follow the rules the first time he does push ups -- the second time the whole group does push ups -- the third time the group does them while the new guy watches. Soon the group dynamics or peer pressure will make the new guy tow the line.

My kids get chores. My 5 year old knows how to clean toilets and they needed done the other day. (Let me add here that he knows because he sometimes LIKES and ASKS to do them.) So he was misbehaving for our morning sitter the other day, and got to come home and do the toilets. (This totally backfired because he was singing a scrubbing sone and dancing while he did it! LOL.)

I told him if he was misbehaving the next day, he was going to take-over vacuuming everyone's bedrooms.

We are also big on choices and rewards/consequences. If the kids choose to be good in the grocery store, they get a piece of candy or a soda at the end. If they are bad, they get chores. That's just one example.

I'm also starting to see that when everyone has to lose something because of someone's bad behavior, the other well behaved kids being mad is almost a better punishment than I could come up with on my own.

we ground toys from time to time. like we take a favorite toy away for several days. he cannot have it back for three days or until that behavior stops. also time outs arent suppose to last hours. i was under the impression it was a min per age of the child six mins for six years. we have a time out spot in our front yard.

Lately we've been talking about priviledges to take away, and we pre-plan an alternative that is not as fun or special. At breakfast, we'll make a list of what has to happen that day, and the treat at the end of the day (not necessarily a food treat).
Rewards:
- go to a park at the end of the day
- read an extra book at bedtime
- have a special dinner/meal/dessert
- have some special 1:1 time with a parent
Alternatives:
- no park - play in the backyard
- no extra book
- no special dinner - just regular dinner
- no 1:1 special time (less attention)
For big "punishments" where we take something away, we put the toy (or iPad, bike, etc.) in time out for a period of time. It's a bummer for the other kids, but maybe some peer pressure from his siblings will help him make better choices next time.

That is too long to be in their room. I believe in natural consequences. If you push someone trying to be first then you're last. If you are sloppy and leave food everywhere you have to wipe down the table and clean it, whatever they are doing they have to fix it. You did not say what they child was doing.They have to clean their room so that we can all go to the park etc. If you whine or run off in the store you do not get a piece of candy. Just whatever makes sense at the time. Not some big elaborate thing that makes everyone miserable just a quick short thing that makes an impression.
I teach school, so if you do not do your morning work then you miss some of your recess until it is done. etc. I know tomorrow you will work faster and not talk. I am so sad you are missing your recess. Alway show empathy that they did not make the right choice and that you KNOW next time they will.

Sure it will suck for a little while, but if it is efective, you won't hav eto do it very often. Also, "a couple hours" is a long time for a 6 year old's punishment. Take away a privelage, but don't send him to his room for a couple hours.

Assign additional chores. Take away a favorite toy or game for a specific amount of time.

An older friend of mine said her daughter didn't get to go to any birthday parties in first grade, because of repeat offenses. I like to read for new ideas, one of my favs is Kevin Leman's "Have a new kid by Friday". He gives lots of natural consequences. Basically, he says to take away the very next activity the child wanted to do, but you don't tell them until they ask. For example, they do "X" behavior, you SAY NOTHING, but then as soon as they ask you for something, you reply, "No, you aren't getting that privilege because of what you did earlier." This is tough, because it could be activity that does affect the whole family. Another friend of mine has her child right down 5 ways he could have behaved differently, and then assigns a chore like sweeping out the garage. Looks like you have gotten a lot of good ideas here. Thanks for bringing this up, I enjoyed reading the responses.