Discipline Problems in Preschool Environment

Consistency!!! Say what you are going to do, do what you say! It is easier to give in, but is it wiser?

Okay, I'm going to get some folks mad with this answer, but here goes. Most 3 1/2 year old boys are too young to be away from their mother, especially if they are expressing anger, hitting, and using bad language. Your child needs a stable environment where he can get the attention and discipline he needs. To me, it's obvious that his acting out is his way of expressing that he doesn't want to be where he is. So if you are working at home, why is he in preschool?

Now, maybe you can get a lot of work done while he is away. Maybe you would starve to death without that extra income. Maybe you couldn't afford your house or rent payments. How much do you need that income? Raising your children is probably the most important thing you will do in your life. This is a very critical time for this child, and the rest of his life may hinge on how you handle this situation.

With a degree in engineering, I could be making a lot of money. But I made the decision to live on just my husband's income - which has meant below the poverty level for most of our married lives - and devote my talents to raising my children. I don't regret that decision. I have two daughters who have graduated summa cum lauda from college, and other children who are doing very well. Things would have been very different if I had not been there for them. Some of my boys have dealt with anger, and a stable environment has helped greatly in controlling that and helping the child resolve the anger.

Please pray about making a decision to devote your talents to meeting your child's needs first.

The same thing happened to my friend and she kept a calender and every time her son would get into trouble at school he would get a x on the calender and after three x's he would get a punishment weather it be a spanking or standing in the corner what ever punishment that worked and got her point across . The most effective here is standing in the corner away from the tv and toys they can not lean or sit they absolutely hate it.Never should a child be using cuss words. even if they are frustrated. My sisters son cussed one time in his 10 years at like 6 and she put soap in his mouth never again. It reminds me of the movie a Christmas movie. but everyone has their ways to handle their children as long as you dont lose you temper you will be effective.

Your son wants attention, but he's going about the wrong way. Don't just take from him, but reward him on good days. You may need to plan "surprise visits" to the pre-school as well.
Also, try making a reward chart at home. Let him pick a reward for the week. Set a number of stars, checks, stickers (whatever works) that he needs to get every week to get that reward. Set a huge reward at the end of the month (like a play-date, trip, or expensive toy) that he can strive for as well.
I have a seven-year-old that has a hard time following classroom rules and completing chores. So, imagine how she feels when her four-year-old sister receives her rewards and she has to explain to her why she didn't get hers...
{In response to Mary B: what happens when he decides he doesn't want to go to high school?! Does she drop what she's doing to home school him? Come on! These kids look for anyway to test the boundaries. What are we teaching them if we just cater to their needs instead of teaching them how to cope with trivial things in life?}

Hi D.,
I think you may want to consider changing daycares. If your child behaves well at home and you are seeing this type of behavior at daycare...HMMMM. There is something there that is upsetting the "balance". I would not be accusatory or anything of that nature BUT I would primarily suspect something is going on in that environment to trigger his frustration. ANOTHER option to consider is that his sugar level is dropping. This can cause outbursts in a child as well as other behavior problems.

I am with Deanna. Check out the school situation. I would think that there is something going on at the school. It could be little or it could be big. Ask about the teacher that he has. Watch how much sleep he is getting also. If the language that he is using is not something that you think he has heard with you then you need to check about that at the preschool also.

You will also enjoy:

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K.

I am a preschool teacher. I don't think that punishing him at home will work because there is too much time between what's happening at school and the punishment at home. Plus, if he behaves at home, then he really ISN'T going to understand what's going on because he'll think he's being punished for being good. I would suggest that you schedule a meeting with the teacher, and in the meantime, really watch his behavior very closely at home. Really observe him (and yourself) to see what he's doing at home and what you're doing that he responds well to. If he behaves at home, then you're obviously doing something right, and you can share those techniques with the teacher. Between now and the time you have the meeting with his teacher, ask his teacher to really observe his behavior closely. See if she can figure out what's triggering the outbursts. Then work with her to develop strategies that she can use to prevent and deal with his outbursts. Because honestly, if she expects you to fix his school behavior, then she is sending him a loud and clear message that she can't handle it on her own (and that is a recipe for disaster).
When you have the meeting with her, make sure that it doesn't become adversarial. The tone of the meeting needs to be cooperative and problem-solving. Instead of saying, "well he doesn't act that way at home" Say "Here's what I do at home that works with him. Let's try to find a way that my techniques can be modified so that he can be sucessful at school." Just keep in mind that you know your child better than anyone else, and your knowledge can be a wonderful tool for his teacher.

I would check some other daycare situations. He might do better in a home daycare. Something at that daycare is setting him off.

Hi D.. Sorry you're having problems like this. My first question is, though, how much time does your family spend together? I noticed that you work full time. I'm assuming that your husband does too? At 3 years of age, he is going to be looking for attention anyway he knows how. If his behavior only happens at school, he maybe reacting out of frustration because mommy and daddy have to work. Try setting aside a one day a week that is just for him. Tell him he can pick what you all get to do...within reason, you know preschoolers do have an imagination that can be out of this world. See if this special attention helps him at all.

I would talk to him and find out who is being mean to him at school. If he isn't learning this at home then he is learning it at school. It is obvious that someone is bullying him at pre-school. Maybe you should invest in a nanny-cam that you can hide in his back pack. Atleast then you will know what is going on with him at pre-school. Once you discover the source of the problem, then you can decide if further disciplinary action towards him is required or if you need to talk to the principal of the pre-school.

Try to discern what is going on that is bothering him. Since he can't understand his feelings and express himself well at this age, he needs your help, so play detective for him. He's clearly upset about something. Maybe it's the separation from his mom and dad that is hard on him, like with many kids, and he needs some help and support through that. Maybe something happened there that made him feel intimidated or upset, like a kid taking his toy, or a care taker being impatient with him, and no one was there to intervene or guide him through it.

I'd go in with him for a day, in a way seemingly unconnected with the discipline problems. Say, as a volunteer or to help with a special program they do. Try to stay in the background. Being in the room with him to observe how he is interacting with the other kids and his care takers, you might notice where his trigger points are. Seeing what he is afraid of or what seems to be bothering him, you can help him to learn how to understand that particular situation, how to handle it (sharing, playing, getting care takers' attention for going to the bathroom, whatever), you can help him solve *his* problem, which will naturally resolve yours. If you see a conflict arise, go to him, tell him you see he's upset, and that it's hard when someone else wants his toy, hits him in the arm, whatever. But he may not hit, use foul language, etc. (whatever the case may be). Then, tell him what he *can* do. "Go tell Kayla, I'm not ready to share my dinosaur yet. You can see him after lunch." Kids are strangers in this land and need to be taught the specifics of how to appropriately get their wants and needs met. This is what all misbehavior is, according to Becky Baily in Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline.

Another option, in addition or instead, is, in a nice, relaxed moment, to simply ask him in an empathetic way what is bothering him at school. You can start out just by asking him about his day. Ask him what he likes about school, and what things he doesn't like. It helps to make it a game, talking about what *you* like and don't like about *your* day, and adding some goofy things. Add some interactional things, and some feeling-based things, like "I don't like it that I don't get to see you all day till 4:00. I miss you." Make them non-threatening, non-guilt-trip questions (which would sound more like "you used to *like* pre-school! Why can't you have a nice time there anymore? Hitting isn't nice. Why are you hitting?," etc.). Just talk to him about his day. That's always a good way to stay connected with kids, anyway, and spot trouble areas ahead of time.

Good luck!
L.

From and educators point of view, What is happening at daycare??? Often times if the consequences of the child behavior are not followed through at school or daycare the child fails to see any relationship to the rules and consequences they are made to follow. Therefore punishment at home is not consistent with home behavior so therefore we can and most of the time see home behavior decline. Witht he outside environment wesee an increase in undesired behavior witht he lack of discipline and consequence relationship every child desires. So therefore the environment that is receiving the undesired behavior needs to be looked at and analyzed. Sometimes undesired behavior does feed into both areas at which we then need to look at all environments the child is in, but with this being a single sided environment behavior issue, please talk with his daycareteachers about journalling his miss behavior and occurances around these behaviors. Also you may want to start looking into other childcare situations.

Where does he hear those words? Children learn by what they see. So things must be happening at home. How do you and your husband express your anger? Do you curse? Yell? I would start by taking a look at the set up at home. This really does set up what they are going to do everywhere else.

There could be a lot of reasons. ONe 3 year olds do not have the vocabulary to express themselves, so they do what they can to get their point across.

Is he there everyday?. Is this a new invironment? has this always happened at this preschool or has something changed?

IF he doesn't show this behavior anywhere else the trigger is there. My son suddenly started having problems at his preschool where he went 2 and then 3 days a week once he was older. It had already been there 2 years and in his 3rd this sort of thing started happening. It was the fact that the room had no windows and one of the teachers didn't care for boys and favored girls. Once he was in a new class, everything went back to normal.

I would stop in unexpectedly several different times. I would talk with the teacher and the director to see what triggers these problems. GOod luck, don't automatically assume it is all him but don't dismiss his responsilbity in this either. He really doesn't understand punishment at home for actions hours ago at school.

good luck

Communicate with the teachers and figure out what is triggering this. Ask them every day about his behavior, and what triggered it. Bug them until you guys figure out what's going on and a solution. And don't go crazy fussing at your kid. It might make it worse. Reward good behavior, too.

Is it another student?
Is the teacher a jerk or incompatible with your child?
Is it at a certain time of day (when he's hungry, tired, hyper)?
Is someone at home using bad language? Is he watching television or in the room when someone is watching tv with bad language?
Are there neighborhood kids around or older siblings influencing him?

He's very young still and it will take time. You've got plenty! Some kids need more attention and help to get the behavior stuff down.

My brother had the misfortune to have teachers all his life who didn't have any patience with his ADD (he wasn't diagnosed until he was a senior). Teachers made it worse by taking away recess, which he needed to get energy out. Even if it's not ADD, he could just need a different method of learning or a different atmosphere to thrive. Give your son lots and lots of praise anytime he does well or just anytime. The most important thing right now is that he has a positive school experience and also a positive self-image. Respect and good behavior will come more naturally if he has these things.