Discipline - Graham,NC

Hi, I'm 36 in a couple of weeks, and I have an 8 year old daughter and a 5 year old son. I've been told that my kids are very well behaved in school and at church. What I've found that seems to work most is CONSISTANCY. When my daughter was as young as 19 mos old, she learned obedience down to the detail without waiver. Once she had a sharp object and she was instructed to bring it to me. She decided to just drop it. I made her pick it up and bring it to me and immediately corrected her initial disobedience. It's tough at times, but it has to be done, and to the best of your ability, with love and not anger or impatience. I'm sure you'll be fine.

D., that's a GREAT question! I wish I knew the answer! I also have a 4-year old, who is very good at pushing all my buttons... We've tried different things: we have a board with many of her favorite things on it, and remove the pictures (and whatever it is--example is picture of books; if she doesn't listen or is rude, we take away books at bedtime) as a punishment. We've tried time out; we've tried counting (this seems to get an immediate response, but it's not one that lasts). Unfortunately, I don't have a good answer, but I'm quite able to commiserate!

What have you tried so far? Maybe just talking through it might help us both.

-D. T

what works for me is to be calm and consistent. At this point what works for my 4 1/2 year old daughter is the 'funshine' bear and 'grumpy' bear system (from the Care Bears). I have an envelope on the frig that collect grumpy bears and funshine bears depending on her behavior (they are stickers placed on a popcicle stick). She can't stand to get grumpy bears, so she works hard to get rid of them when she gets them. when she gets 5 funshine bears in her envelope she gets a prize or a treat that I keep in the "treasure chest". I'm lucky something so simple works and wonder how long it will last. She also gets time out or sent to her room. If she's been real bad she is sort of grounded for the rest of the day...no tv, treats, etc. Not talking to her drives her insane and she usually straightens up pretty quick.

good luck

D., I have a 5 year old who is really good at the buttons and pushing the limits. Consistancy is a key. If your child plays with something of yours and you don't want her to, ensure you discipline them every time you see her playing with the item. Letting the discipline go 1 time can have consequences for you! :)

You may have to try many different methods to find out which one works, not all methods work for each child. We started out with timeouts, 1 minute for each year of age. That worked great for a while and then stopped working.

We then moved onto taking away privlages and that is the current method of discipline in our house. Depending on the situtation, we take away either her nighttime books or her tv.

We also have a reward system for good behaviour. We got a "chore" board from target (magnetic) and it has different things, like make your bed, brush your teeth, etc. for the days of the week and each day, my daughter gets to put a magnet up for whatever she gets one for. At the end of the week, if she did a good job, we reward her by letting her do something she wants that we would normally not let her do like sleep in the den.

If you choose to use timeouts, ensure that you do not communicate with the child while they are in timeout. If they leave the timeout space, lead or carry them back to the corner, timeout spot and restart the timer. When timeout is done, get an apology and ensure you reinforce that you love your baby but you don't like the behaviour your baby did.

Also, don't be afraid to put yourself in mommy timeout. If you get really mad and feel you are about to loose it, tell your child that "mommy needs to go into time out to calm down and then I will be able to talk to you when I have calmed down." Ensure your daughter is in a safe place where you can leave her for a few minutes and walk away. This helps the child learn how to deal with anger in a constructive manner.

We went through everything we could think of last year with our 3 year old. Nothing seemed to phase him in terms of discipline/punishment, etc. I finally got the 123 Magic book recommended by several of my friends. It was amazing- within a few days, our son's behavior completely changed. He's much more in control and we're much happier. It really works! We checked it out at our library, the author is Dr. Thomas Phelan. Good luck!

We have two very head strong girls, 3 and 5. They always seem to want their way and will settle for nothing less.
We make them lie in bed after a warning if they are not cooperative. They want to be up and into everything and they hate this. We have a time out chair also. We found out that while transitioning from nap to no nap, the emotions would flair if it was a "must have nap" day. They fight it, but if they sit still long enough they will fall asleep and get the rest they need to wake up grumpy free. Mine will begin to act up if they are hungry also. Stop the commotion by offering a snack and a drink and see if their disposition changes.
A lot of the issue with children is just ATTENTION. Children crave it and we as adults must make ourselves available so that our children get positive attention and instruction from us instead of negative.
Remember, you are the adult. Calmly and assertively change the situation. Once they are used to your new method, they will be fine. It takes a lot of patients and creative thinking at times to make the final outcome win win for everyone.
Good luck!
Mary-Jo

Have you ever heard of Accountable Kids? I haven't tried it yet because my son is too young, but I have friends who swear by it. It is a reward and privilege program for kids to get them to do "chores" and other things. Everything from getting dressed in the morning to cleaning up toys at night and EVERYTHING in between. It is a good way to use positive reinforcement. You can also take privileges away as necessary. The program comes with a book that explains all the ways to use it. It says to start using it at 3 years old. It looks pretty neat...kind of like a more advanced chart system. You might want to at least check it out. Their website is accountablekids.com Good luck!

you must first take back the control that you have let her have. There is not one simple answer. One on one attention of the good kind, versus attention for being bad. She has the control now and it is going to be hard to get it back. Try small things first. Before she pushes your buttons, sit her down and talk to her. Explain to her that you are the person that is responsible for teaching her right from wrong, good from bad. and how to make it in this world. Tell her you love her, that bad behavior is not acceptable around you anymore. If you have tried time out and various other things, and they have not worked, try taking her by the hand, sitting her down, and calmly explaining that she has done something wrong and that you are going to sit with her until she calms down. I have found for most children Time out does not work. It only makes them want attention more. It sounds like she is crying out for personal attention with out other things between you and her, like tv, or computer or talking to someone on the phone. Carve out "Personal time" for just her in your busy day. When she does do something bad, don't yell at her to stop. get up, go to her, and deal with the situation.

Parenting with Love & Logic - I swear by this book. By Jim Faye. There's also a 'toddler' version... this book implements allowing natural consequenses... it's AMAZING

All children are different, and what works for one normally will not work for another. (Even in sibbling this is true). You have to find what works for you and her, like putting her faviort toy in time out until she can behave properly. the most immportant thing is to stay calm (eaiser said then done I know) and to be consisent. I have a tendency when my son pushing buttons and trying to aggervate to just ignor him. I find it is not worth it to punish for everything. You might if she is whining or yelling (or this can work with any behavior just fill in the behavior and proper behavior) tell her you can not understand her you only understand "normal" voices. And continue about your business ignoring the behavior that is annoying. This worked with my son.

Our son will be 4 this week; we use several things to get his attention depending on where he is that day. He loves to read and he starts the evening with the ability to read 5 books before bed. As he acts up, we take away a book. He rarely loses all his books.

We've taken away his favorite toys for a while as well. He loves tractors and trucks. He also loves his movies - so we take that away as well.

Sometimes it's just putting him on the couch and not talking to him during time out.

The most successful is whatever means the most to him at the moment. Follow through was key - it doesn't do me any good to threaten him; he keeps going until he actually sees we'll follow through. Then, within a couple of samples, he's convinced and good to go. (Most of the time - )

Have you tried to focus on rewarding her for good behavior? My son's school has a treasure chest and when he fills up his sticker chart, he gets a treat out of the treasure chest. We're trying something similar at home with small rewards (like Dollar Tree toys) and it seems to work with him and my 2 year old daughter. Try to accentuate the positive when you can.

I have a four year old as well and I totally understand what you are going through. I know they know the buttons and like to push them. My experience as been to give choices in the smaller areas. I usually pick out two shirts and let my son pick one or I ask him if he wants to brush his teeth now or after story time. I pick my battles very carefully. That seems to pacify his need for autonomy. Also, we have taught my son to work out a deal. I tell him what I want then I let him make a suggestion and we try to meet in the middle, he really likes it and his need to push as diminished a great deal. Again this is just with the non-essential rules. Hope that helps. Hang in there

We talk alot in my house. I have 2 daughters, they are always at each other...hair pulling, pushing, etc.

We punish by taking away luxuries (TV, toys, etc.) And we reward when things are done right.

For disipline moments, we turn of the tv, sit in a circle and discuss. Then everyone apologizes, hugs and makes up.

Recently child #1 has been into name calling. So we discussed it again, and again. Before the discussion, however, I made a big deal over it. And she fed into it and wouldn't stop. So, I learned my lesson and took another approach.

Good Luck.

At age 4 she is pushing buttons and will continue to do so until her father and you put your feet down. By this age a child's personality is pretty much what it is going to be so now you have to get her attention and keep it. Therefore her father and you need to:

1. set some very reasonable ground rules. Your expectation as far as her behavior and her respect of you, herself and others around her. Give her age appropriate jobs that you will expect her to do weekly, i.e. pick up her toys when she is finished playing with them, before going outside, shopping, to bed etc.. Simple tasks to teach responsibility.

2. once you have all agreed on her task and what you expect, you can explain that if she doesn't behave or take care of her task there will be consequences. The first time, talk to her, remind her of your talk about her behavior, etc.. Second time, talk to her about ...again, then take away a special toy or a play date. Next time, talk, take away a privilege plus a time out (1 minute for each year, if for any reason she gets out of time out or has a melt down, the time out bgins again at the time she settles down, up to 10 minutes for a 4 year old). Remember to have a set place for time out and be sure she understands why she has to go to time out everytime.

3. INCENTIVES! Remember, as adults we respond to a raise on the job, children respond to awards too. Growing up is a full time job.

Always talk to your child on their level and talk to them oftem (not at them).

Spanking works great!! But if that's not for you, time outs in a quiet corner or send her to her room if there are no toys or books in there. Just one minute per year of her age, 4 minutes, should do it. And at the end of 4 minutes sit down with her and explain to her why she was in time out. When my 5 and 3 year old do a really big "no-no" i take their tv away the rest of the day. My 3 year old doesn't really care, but my 5 year old gets really upset and tries to behave the rest of the day. Maybe taking away a very cherished item or privelige will help too. Good luck and God bless.

You will also enjoy:

http://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=29Qhmp...

K.

I have a 4 year old and sometimes when this happens, I get down to her height level and tell her that I love her, but she is not being very nice right now and that she needs to go to her room until I come in their to talk to her.
Of course, sometimes when I cannot handle it...I tell her that when daddy comes home, we will talk to him about this and she seems to straighten up pretty fast then.
Every family is different, so hope this helps some.

My daughter Ellie grew out of this stage in no time. Hang in there and be consistant with what you decide.

The first step in disciplining your child is to discipline yourself. You've taken the first step in realizing that she's pushing your buttons, so now you have to take the hard step in changing your habit patterns so that she doesn't get far enough into the manipulation to get to you. As the others said, be calm, be consistent, say what you mean and mean what you say, and follow through with your commands the first time. When she starts whining and complaining, "nip it in the bud" by whichever method you choose. (Whether this is an immediate spanking [given calmly, of course], or merely telling her that she is trying to get you to change your mind and it will not work, and if she continues she will be disciplined [again, your method of discipline--I prefer spanking, because it's short and to the point, and seems to get into the kids' heads faster than anything else]).