We are quickly approaching the terrible two's. She's already there if you ask me. She hits me, and when I tell her no, or attempt to change the behavior, she laughs at me. She says no to me alot, and is quite obviously trying to assert her dominance over me. When I get up from the couch, I come back and she's in my seat with a look that says "I dare you.." When I move her she spazes out. She'll ask for a kiss, but she will not come to me, she wants me to come to her. She's very bossy, pointing to the kitchen and yelling "I'm hungry." and even pushing me towards the kitchen. She often does things she knows she's not allowed to do while looking right at me with a smirk on her face, and if I tell her not to do something, it's like telling her to go right ahead.
I realize that all of this is pretty normal for a strong willed child her age, but, the issue is that I'm not sure about consequences. I know she needs me to be consistent, I'm just not sure what dirrection to go in. I sternly tell her no, or briefly explain why the behavior is bad and she laughs at me, I've tapped her hand, but she either doesn't care or gets mad and tries to hit me. As far as time out, I'm not sure she's of the age yet that that will be clear and effective, plus, our appartment is so small and I'm not sure where to put the "time out" and how to keep her there.
Sorry for being so wordy, I just really want to be consistant and discipline well from the get go, especially as a single mom...
I'd really appreciate any thought or ideas you girls might have!
RUN and watch Supper Nanny and get the book... you have to get respected control...
single mom of 2 kids
Congratulations on having a child who trusts you so much! You've clearly shown her that you love her unconditionally! But that does little to help her behave better, does it? : )
Let me first address time out: My "energetic" and strong-willed son, who is now 2 1/2, has gotten a time out for about a year. No, he hasn't been IN time out for a year! lol It really didn't (nor does it now) do anything to CHANGE his behavior. But it does remove him from the situation I don't approve of AND it give me a moment to think about how to handle it. After every time out, my husband and I do the same thing, no matter who is handling time out at that moment:
1. We call him to us, sit or kneel to face him at his level
2. hold his hands lovingly
3. ask him why he was in time out (sometimes we have to remind him)
4. tell him what action we prefer
5. ask him for a kiss and a BIG squeeze
We try to end time out on a positive note every time. We believe time out isn't so much a punishment but a step back for reflection--usually for the adult! : )
Consistency is definitely key here. It's gotten to the point now where I can simply (and nicely) ask if he'd like a time out and he'll stop the behavior he's testing me on. This works 99% of the time--after all, he is 2 and needs to challenge us! lol
My suggestion would be to use only one form of discipline (corrective action) and one consequence at this point. Get her used to the same thing happening every time and I think you may see more of a change. Ensure her caregivers are doing the same thing. Or, if she acts better for them, maybe you could try their method because it seems to work.
It's important that you look her in the eye, use a firm tone without yelling, and DO NOT be wishy washy! If it's something you're going to allow after 2 or 3 of her challenges of your authority, don't say anything to begin with. You need her to understand you mean business.
Reflect for a moment on your behavior--are you saying "no" just to say "no" to show you're the authority figure or are you saying it because this action will cause her harm, is socially unacceptable or simply against the rules of your house? I had to do that and believe me, it really helped me relax and enjoy him much more!
Sorry this is so long . . . I hope you find something in here that helps you out! Good luck!
D.
I strongly recommend the book, "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline." I'm reading it right now for the second time and am glad for the refresher.
Just remember that consistency is of the utmost importance. Also, the book repeatedly says (and it's true) that when you focus on what you DON'T want, you will absolutely get more of it (and when you focus on what you DO want, that's what will eventually happen). For example, instead of saying, "Don't sit in my spot" - her little mind only hears "Sit in my spot", so that's what she does. If, however, you phrase it in a positive way of what you DO want ("Please sit in your spot over there"), she's more likely to comply with your request. Anyway, that's one teeny tiny tip from the book - there are many, many more and each one makes more sense than the one before it. It is your child's job in life to test limits and push as far as possible (hoping for some kind of indecisive moment on your part showing her what rules are flexible and which are not) - so, basically, the more insane she's making you by testing limits, the better job you're doing :-)
She can definitely use a time out. For that age, you only need to do a minute or two. My son is 19 months and he's been getting time outs for about a month. I wasn't sure about this either, but my daycare has helped out a lot with knowing what to do. My daughter has been going to the same daycare for about 5 years and they started time outs around 18 months. When he's misbehaving I'll stearnly say no, etc but I get the same reaction as you, hitting, laughing in my face. I tell him after the 2nd time of doing something that he's going to get a time out. After three times I sit him on the ground and tell him he's in time out. He actually does stay there because he's crying the whole time. He knows exactly what's going on. If she's smart enough to do the things she's doing to you, she's smart enough to understand time outs. Kids are a lot smarter than you think. When my daughter was little we did the same exact thing. We also had a little chair for her to sit in, but honestly, I don't think you even need that. You can plop her down where she is and make sure toys are out of reach, she only needs a couple of minutes. Good luck!
It is never to soon for a time out and it can be on the couch with no tv on or at a kitchen table. You need to take care of this now before it gets worst . This is what we mothers call the defiant age the yrs of NO and NOW she is testing boundries and now is were you need to draw some lines. She should sit for 2 min and if she gets up put her back w/o talking. It will be hard at first but it works
I really like Della's response to you.I only have one other thought to add. You may already be doing this, but if not this is what I will add. Instead of saying "NO", tell her what she is not to do.
Example....(Her Name)Mommy said not to touch the TV.
Mommy said dont hit.
Removing her from the situation the first time she gets into something or does something is the key, and if you need to follow up with a time out, then do so.
I know that you were not asking if tapping her on the hand was ok, I just wanted to add that
I understand that you are tapping her hand to get her attention, and to make a point that she did something wrong. Sometimes, they hit and tap us to get our attention as well.
Mixed signals are confusing to a little one learning feelings. Good luck.
My son is two and does the same stuff until we invented time out in the pack and play.He can't escape! He hates the pack and play anyway and now we only use it for that. So when he does something he shouldn't I warn him once and then the next time it's off to time out. It's not long because he is lttle yet but he knows what he is doing wrong. But it only works if it's consistant.I tryed smacking his butt that didn't work for me, he just started hit me! Also I learned that if he naps when he is first showing signs of being tired he sleeps longer and is much more pleasant, same with bed time, Snacks also have helped a great deal. He is a little monster when he is hungry. It didn't work over nite and he still does act up sometimes but there is a major difference. I also make him communicate nod yes or no.Alot of people think they don't know but believe me they are very intelligent and them not being able to communicate fustrates them aka No No NO. Hope this helps good luck to you!
Hi M., we went through something similar with my daughter when she was around that age. She is 2 1/2 now and her behavior has really improved - for the most part (unless she's over-tired). We also tried slapping her on hand when she did something wrong and it did not help. It just made her hit. She also started kicking us when we changed her diaper or got her dressed. We started using time-out when she was about 23 months. We use a little wooden chair for her time out spot. I put it in between the wall and the couch and she knows she cannot come past the edge of the couch. Its also with in sight of a clock with a second hand. When she does something wrong I tell if she does it again she'll go in time, unless she hits or bites (which rarely happens anymore) thats an automatic timeout. I sit her in the chair tell her why she's in timeout and for how long. We started off at 2 minutes, now its 2 1/2. Since the tv is with insight I always shut it off and make sure there are no toys within reach. I stand near her so I can see her out of the corner of my eye and see the clock. I don't put her back on the chair unless she goes past the edge of the couch. At first it was really hard and she would scream and cry soooo hard the entire time even throw herself on the floor. A few time she banged her head on the wall. I just let her cry and don't get her until time is up. After time is up, I go give her a big hug, explain what she did wrong, and say I love you. I try to get her to say she's sorry, but it hasn't worked yet. It made a HUGE difference in her behavior pretty quickly. I couldn't believe the difference. The behaviors that put her in timeout stopped very quickly and now all I have to is say I'm going to put her in timeout and she usually stops. We still use it occasionally and I try to be a little more understanding if she's tired. Good luck and I hope this helps.
A.
Hi i will first say i have a strong willed child also who is 23 months old he has been going on time out since 15 months old only keeep them there a minute for each year old that they are she is almost 2 so i would say 2 minutes will do just the trick what i do with my son is i will tell him no only once then i will say stop or you will be in a time out if the behavior doesn't stop i will count to 3 then put him on the couch and say don't move he screams but my pediatrician said if he screams ignore it the only time you should interact when it comes to timeout is wheny ou first put them there to tell them what they did wrong, if they try to get up to put them back down and tell them they are in time out and not to move, and last to take them out of timeout and reinforce what they did was wrong and not acceptable in your household. she will try to get up just to get the extra attention from you you just get up put her back on the couch and say she can't get up until her 2 minutes is over. this works woinders for me as far as stopping the behavior all together not so much but letting them know that when you sya no you mean it and that you are the one in charge of your household and not your child
Hi M.,
I think because every child is so different, you need to find your daughter's "weak" spot...what I mean is some punishment that seems to really bother her. For some, its the restriction of time out, for others its a spanking, for others yet, it might be taking something she really likes away. I am not so sure the punishment needs to be as consitent as the consequence to the bad behavior...if that makes any sense. So try different strategies until you find her trigger. With my son it was standing in the corner, that lasted quite awhile...then it wore off and it was a time out on the chair...when he gets mouthy, i tell him that I do not talk to people who talk nasty to me and until he can be nice, I wont be talking...all of those things are MY son's triggers. I hope this helps a little bit.
i agree with della sue. i was just going to drop you this response not because i have the magic trick but because i go through the same thing with one of my daughters who was born with plenty of personality and the manual for pushing the right buttons. timeouts don't work for her but as della sue said i get to remove her from the situation. i have tried preaching, ordering, getting to her level etc and you know what? she still does it, a few times a day. NO is her favorite word.
i haven't given up :) i am happy she's so strong willed, that i know she will do fine in life i just wish she was a little easier on her mami,.
:)
good luck
vlora
I agree she is probably not old enough for a time out. I wouldn't worry too much about discipline. At this point, she is trying to test you so you just have to match her. If she has a temper tantrum, just ignore her. Go about your business and let her scream. (This can be hard I know. You have to find that little happy place in your head lol). If she demands something of you, just don't do it until she asks nicely. She will start to get the picture. And then she will test you in whole new ways for the next 16 years lol
I will say that I have a 2 year old that will be 3 next month and I swear by timeout. When he goes in tie out, it is somewhere away from everyone and where he can not see a tv or play with toys. If that still does not work, I take his toy, whatever he is playing with at that moment. Another key thing is to make them apologize for their behavior after you reinforce that what they did is wrong. It will take some time but she will begin to understand who the boss is, I started this immediately and never really had a problem with the terrible twos. I hope this works. Also, you could watch that show Super Nanny, I got some really good ideas from that show.
Hi M.,
I don't think she is too young for time out. We used time out at this age--my daughter is also very "spirited." Ha!
Do not let her boss you around. I would keep telling her "no" and briefly describe that her behavior is wrong and give her a warning. If she does it again, time out for 1.5 to 2 minutes. This can be in any safe place you designate, and if she leaves, just keep putting her back in time out with no talking or emotion--that will just give her the attention she is looking for. Hitting or anything destructive or violent is an automatic time out with no warning.
I'm also reading "1-2-3 Magic" right now but haven't tried it out yet. It's a variation of the time out system.
Good luck!
two word time out im going threw the same thing with my daughter she tell me no and spazs out about everthing the best advice i can give to you is time out seeing that she is only 11/2 i wouldnt make time too long maybe for 2 to 3 mins thats what i do with my daughter and it seems to be working well find a spot for time out and when she does some thing wrong put her there you might have to do it more then once or twice before she gets that she cant do that but this should help you
