Disappearing Daddy

Let me tell you my experience, as a child whose father left her...

My dad left my mom, sister, and I when I was two - to be with his new girlfriend. Over the next year his parents would take us to their home occasionally to visit and fill our heads with the same junk you describe - telling us my dad wanted to see us and that my mom wouldn't let him, how great he was, etc. And, on the off chance my dad would pay us a visit at his parents house, or perhaps even take us for an evening, he too would make us so want to be a part of his life.

Well, after my sister and I coming home in tears, crying for several days after that we missed our dad, she finally called an end to it.

My dad ultimately gave us up for adoption to the new man in my mom's life two years later and from that moment on he and his family never looked back. And, before he signed us over, my mom told his parents that if they couldn't see us without talking about our dad that they would no longer be able to see us... so they chose then not to see us.

All these years later - I was two when it started, my sister was four - I am now 36 and I totally respect my mom and her decisions to get that man and his family out of our lives. She did what she had to do so that our lives could survive on the normal everyday ways. We, and she, did not need that drama.

I was about 13 when I contimplated trying to find my dad and contacting him... but that quickly passed when I realized I'd be looking for someone who didn't care or love me and that all I would be would be heartbroken.

So, you do what your mom instincts tell you to do. You can't go wrong doing what you think is right for your child.

Remove the father from his life until he can demonstate that he can pay his child support and at the very least call his son. I believe that coming in and out of his life is more detremental than letting him believe he cares. And another thing about his family, let them know they cannot speak ill of you or you will be forced to to go court to prevent them from having anything to do with them. My friend had to do this with her son's father and his family and believe me they regretted it when she took them into court. The child advocate attorney stated they were hurting him mentally (or something along those lines) by defaming his mother the only one taking care of him Do not let them push you around, maybe you shouldn't let them see him at all until they can get their act together. Techinically they have no rights to your son. They would have to take you to court for that and only get visitation. I wish you all the best of luck and you'll know what to do for your son.

Hello single mother first i just wanna say you sound like a very responsible young mother who wants the best for her son. I think that the childs father shouldn't have the same rights as you do it sounds like he wants to be a sometime father and parenting doesn't work like that. It's a damn shame that he can't even afford to pay 200.00 monthly that's pennies. My advice give your son as much love as possible from your family and keep him around positive male figures so he won't feel alone.

K.,
Wow! Your son is lucky to have a mom like you.
You know, in the eyes of the courts, child support and visitation are two separate issues. He needs to be paying regular support (if the paternity is not in question--which it sounds like it's not!) whether he sees his son or not. The only way he can legally get out of paying support, I believe, is if he terminates his parental rights. You won't get the support (you're not getting it anyway) but it will eliminate the other issues. I would suggest you take legal steps to get him at least to cough over back & current support at the very least. You'll probably always have the other b.s. to deal with as long as his father & his family have contact with him and, sadly, there's not much you can do about that. Sad that adults would try to put ideas into the head of an innocent 6 YO boy. That says a lot about them, which is that they are little, petty people.
Hang in there, kiddo. You sound like a very bright young lady! I'm sure at least YOU will continue to put your son first. You're doing great. God Bless you and your son.

Sounds like your doing a great job.

I am with Monica and her post.
Having it all documented in the courts will be to your benefit.
And when the time comes you might want to move into a new relationship it will be leverage for a "voluntary or involuntary" renounciation or termination.

The dead beat dad of my daughter did this to me for 5 years. At which point I had the papers drawn up and gave him three choices when he flew back into the country.

1. Support, supervised visitation and no overturning of my primary decisions for the well being of the child.
2. Back & current support for 5 years
3. Voluntarily renounce, walk away and keep on going -- no strings attached.

I had my notary with me and all the legal documents in hand and he signed away his rights on the back of his mother's car rear windshield.

At which point the entire family supported his neglegant ways so I told them all until she is 18 I am making a decision for her.

At 18, my dd had a brief interest in knowing them but quickly caught onto their self motivated ways. She, with her own decision has opted to stay away at least at this time.
During the 13 years she has always been told that I made a decision to terminate all contact based on his written/legal decision and at the age of 18 if she wanted a relationship with them I would drive her to the door and give her all the information necessary to do so, but until she was an adult I was doing what I felt was best for her developement and security.

It wasn't perfect all the time, but there is NO doubt in my daughters mind that I did not seek the best in a negative situation.

Stay within the laws and eyes of the courts and it will help you document the pattern and give you a leg as time goes on and this individual continues to display their unsincere interest.

God is kind and will not overlook what you are doing for his child.

I have gone thru the exact same thing as u have, my son is now 14 and really hasnt spoke to his bio-logical in over 3 years. I too in the begining tried to make it work to where his bio could see him but the bio didnt seem to want to except on holidays when he felt guilty I guess. The thing is that when i married the guy Im with now he kinda came into my sons life in a gradual way and he is now , after 7 years of us all being together , is my sons father figure. we no-longer hear from the bio....maybe because my husband is miitary and we have had to move a few times. But, believe me what ur bio is doing and how his family is acting is ony hurting your son, and they dont seem to care, so im not sure where u live and how far they live from u, but maybe just cut all ties with them and say enough is enough. Thats what i finally had to do after the first 8 years of trying to work with bio , who has also never paid child support, and his family. Its a hard decision to have to make , but u have to consider ur son. Later he may ask questions as to why he never sees his bio or others, and that is where you have explain that u did it to protect him from the others hurting him and the bio. Its a hard place to be in, trust me, like i said, i'm 8 years past the point now, and my son is happier and more balanced. He dont have those people popping in and out once or twice a year when "they" feel like it.....but good luck to u, its a hard spot, but u can work thru it it takes alot of time and praying.

First of all, I applaud your independence and the way you are raising your son.

Seocnd, contact the courts, a lawyer or whomever you must to get the child support you are owed! You may also want the courts to set some visitation limits. It sounds to me like he isn't around much anyway so while I appreciate you not wanting to be the 'bad guy', really what is your son missing? Doesn't sound like much. Get yourself some legal protection and continue being the great Mom you are!!

This is really a tough situation. I think it is not ok for your son to have to suffer through people bashing his mother, and that sounds like what the inlaws are doing to him. Children should be allowed to love both their parents. Unfortunately some parents are so imature and self absorbed that they don't see the damage they do to their child when they bash the other parent. It sounds like that's what you will have if you let your X free wielding over your boy. My kids had to jump on that "bash Mom" bandwagon in order to be accepted by their "cool dad" and it is terribly damaging emotionally. When my 15 yr old son comes back from a weekend at Dad's he is disrespectful and nasty (I call it "the dad hangover") to me and I know he is suffering, because we have a good relationship otherwise. If your X is willing to be civil to you, I would say let him come and see your son at your house. That way you can have more control in protecting you fragile six year old. It takes years and years of therapy to recover from the damage.
Good luck,
N

Dear K.,
You didn't mention whether or not there was anything court-ordered, so I am presuming that you don't have a Court Order to force the issue, or you would. You've already heard that in PA support & custody/visitation are two separate issues. However, I don't think it was mentioned that, to my knowledge, you can only get support beginning with the date that you file. That means that until you file for child support in court, they won't make him pay anything back past that date, so file ASAP. If you need help, feel free to send me a message. I filed the petition to modify custody for my husband when my step-son came to live with us. (Mom wouldn't be mom & just wanted to be his friend. The last straw was him running away from home & her waiting to call my husband for 5 hours, until it already dark outside ~ but that's another issue.) Anyway, I'll be praying for you in the meantime. The only way he can get out of support is by terminating his rights, but if you'd agree to it, that's a possibility. Also, be prepared that when you file support, he'll probably counter-file for visitation, that's just how that usually works. If you haven't already done so, buy a notebook or journal & start documenting Any & All contact with him. You'll want to note the date, day of the week, time (be specific), and what was discussed. Also, you'll want to note if he spoke to you, your son, or both. If possible, get a phone that allows you to listen in on conversations between he & your son. Let Dad know up-front that you'll be listening to the conversation on an extension. This way you can make/take notes contemporaneously.
Well, that's probably the best of what I've learned. I'll be praying for you as begin this journey. May God bless your efforts to do protect the best interests of your son. BTW, don't be surprised if daddy's parents try to exercise "grandparent rights" if they live nearby. Best advice ~ DOCUMENT EVERYTHING ~ any contact & ALL $$$! Also, if you've already agreed on stuff & he's not following through, call to remind him, & document his response/excuse. Have a GREAT day with your son!

there isn't a whole lot you can do to change Daddy. He's a jerk, and that's life. (I had one like that) You CAN, however, ensure that you get child support. Call your local DHS office, and I think they will tell you that you have to apply through Florida for them to take the $$ from his paycheck. When you complete the paperwork, either from your state or his, you will need to list all the child support that he has NOT paid, and they will add that to the bill. They will also access his IRS refund in order to get you caught up. While you can't change the fact that he has visitation rights without going to court, you can at least get some pay out of him.

I would also try not to lie to your son. Let him know what the divorce decree says about visitation, (you can even show him if you want), and let him know that Daddy lives far away and maybe that makes it hard for him to visit. When my kids were little I absolutely refused to allow them to fly without a relative on a plane, so that kind of thing would mean dad would have to pay for two round trips for himself and one for you son if he were to want his son to visit him. I don't think that's too much to ask given this wierd world we live in. But that's the only kind of requirement I would put on the visits, and you can tell your son that rule, and why you want to keep him safe while traveling. (because you love him)

Be sure your son understands that there is nothing wrong with him. The problem lies with his father, not with him. He won't understand a whole lot now, and now isn't the time to regurgitate the reasons you divorced his dad, or to slam/dunk his reputation, but you should be honest and always make sure you let your son know that he's a wonderful child and that he is not to blame for Daddy failing to visit.

This is one of the heartaches of divorce We lived this way for 15 years, until the kids were 18, and then I stepped out of the picture. He calls them once in a while (the girls are in their 20's), but most of the time, the girls call him -- one calls twice a year, and the other calls quarterly. his wife doesn't want my kids in her family, so they aren't in it. (I think he's absolutely 100% stupid to have married someone who wouldn't love his children, but that's his problem and his life. I am 100% glad that my husband has loved them since we started dating -- 24 years ago. Even a wonderful step-parent doesn't change the questions about "why doesn't my dad call or visit me or even care?"; but I just tell my kids that I'm sorry they got such a lousy dad the first time around, and I tell them that when you have a baby, you don't choose the child, it just arrives. Their step-dad CHOSE to love them and have them as his kids. I tell them that THAT'S really special. And that helps some. It doesn't sound like you've remarried, and that's okay, too. Just keep on reminding your son that he is very special and very loveable, and it's not his fault his dad isn't a good daddy.

K.:

I think subconsciouly you are answering your own question here without realizing it. I agree. Is it worth the trouble anymore trying to "force" or "hold on" to a situation that is long gone? I think it's time to snip it and let him go. This back and forth is not healthy for your kid. What he must think? He'll be fine as long as he is with you. I think it's high time to admit to yourself that this isn't needed anymore, afterall Biodaddy dosen't seem to be holding his end of the deal so-why bother? It's more baggage that you don't need.

Best of luck
mom of 4

while his dad sounds like a jerk and it's totally understandable that you're fed up please remember that this isn't about you and it isn't about the $200. It's about your child. It's important that he thinks that his dad cares about him and wants to see him and is interested in his life. Even if that's somewhat of a stretch try to think on the level of a small child. All they want to know is that both of their parents love them. Anything you do to "punish" the father is really only punishing your son. So, as far as the child support(or lack thereof) goes...get over it.Expect nothing from him but accept whatever love he has to offer to your son. He needs it.

Hi K.,

I send you my best, as you are in a difficult position. I relay the experience of a close friend and how her Mom dealt with it. She was in the same boat, Dad very sporadic, never came around. My friend's Mom never spoke badly about the Dad, and whenever he came around allowed him to see her (not take her out, but otherwise, pretty much full access.) Her Mom didn't even fight for the money (I would have!) she just let the Dad do his "thing."

Now my friend is grown, she has so much respect and love for her Mom. Although she was so disappointed so many times by her father, she sees him for what he is (a jerk!). But she doesn't have any issues with her Mom, because her Mom was never a barrier and so Dad couldn't try to put any blame on Mom.

I don't think I could've handled things like this... but it really opened my eyes. I personally, would still say to get your money!! Good luck.

i am in the same situation as you and unfort.as a jerk they still have rights..luckily he doesnt come around much and as hard as it it we just have to continue to do what we do and as your son gets older he will know the bumm his dad is!!!luckily he has you i go thru times i am so mad but i plug along!!!the support issue if thru the court keep on them and get them to take care if it if not thru the court set up at hearing and have amount recorded....get that at least if he is not there to help!!!!!! keep venting thru mamsourse....it helps

I agree with others that you need to file for full custody in court. The reason is just because he lives with you and you assume you have custody you don't. He couls come and take the child and because there is no court order he could take him legally, file for custody and get it.

After you file for full custody go after him for the child support. The best thing to do is contact a lawyer. I did to get full custody and the breakdown of child support (this included all court fees and correspondence from my daughter's father & lawyer).

We were never married and we are still friends but we are not together and my daughter is protected by a court.

Also, just explain that daddy lives in Florida and can't come see him often. He will see who is dad really is in time and it will be before he is 10 or 11. Kids learn fast, all you can do is be their support system and be the better parent by not bad mouthing the father.

Best of luck to you and you are a great mom!

L. S

Hi Kelly!

It sounds like you are doing a great Job with your son.
I also think that it is great that you just bought and own your own home at 25. You are working hard for him and I think that he will see you as a good role model.
I think that what your sons father and family is doing is disrespectful to you and not being a very good role model(s) for your son.
I'm sorry I can't give any advice about child support but I can tell you to keep up the good work.