Disagree About Mom in Delivery Room

Well, like the response before mine, I don't know your specific situation, and she points out a lot of good questions to ask your husband. But I thought I'd just share my experience with the birth of our son. My mom had not planned on being in the room, but she drove us to the hospital so my husband could help me through contractions during the hour long drive. She ended up being told by the midwife to "grab a leg" while my husband held the other leg :) She was able to video tape before and after delivery and we have fantastic memories caught on camera that wouldn't otherwise have been because my husband was so busy with me and then our son. She got great pictures of my husband just looking at our newborn in his first minutes - and then she stepped out of the way and let us have our time with him (without being asked) and totally didn't intrude.... which isn't exactly like my mom... She didn't even hold the baby until the next day! If you guys set out rules ahead of time, your mom is likely to remember how special the day of your birth was, and respect your wishes (I hope). Oh the other hand, my mom stayed with our son while our daughter was being born, and it was just me and husband in the delivery room. We still got great pictures and a little video, and we were all just as pleased with the whole experience... So in the end it's a decision you guys have to make together and say sorry if other people's feeling are hurt.

After your sweet little baby is born, you and your husband will get to make all of your choices together as to how to raise your child. Your birth, however; is your own. It is your body and your mind that will birth this child into the world and you need to do what is best for you. Labor is hard hard work! It will take a toll on you and if you want your mom there, she should be there. I don't know what your hubby's reasons are for not wanting her there, but he should really let this one go for your sake. The best thing you can do for yourself and your unborn baby is to have very little stress.

I wish my mom were alive to have shared my births with me. I would have had her there in a heartbeat. Don't have any regrets about your mom not being there.

Also, the doctors and nurses will be way too busy to take pics. You will be lucky if they take more than 2 pics and they certainly won't be video taping for you. I had a very close friend in the room with me and she captured the sweetest moment of my husband holding our daughter for the first time. My doc was too busy stitching me up to worry about snapping photos.

On a final note, you will cherish this day far more than your husband. He will get over it if your mom is there. I asked my husband if he had any thoughts or memories of the day our kids were born and he couldn't think of any. As mothers we bond with our babies for 9 months and we have an instant connection with our children when they are born. Men take a few months to catch up to bond on the same level. (at least in my experience) You will remember the day you gave birth in great detail.

I wish you the best - I really hope your husband will come around and give in to having your mother there!

You said that you respect your husbands opinion and don't wish to upset him. I think you answered your own question. This is your husband's child too and the birth is the beginning of your family together.
My mom, dad, MIL and friends (and my daughter for #2) were in the room throughout the labor. Right before delivery, everyone left and my husband and I shared a wonderful moment celebrating and welcoming the life the two of us created. This event would not have meant as much to us had one of the moms or friends been present during the delivery.
While you may assure him that your mom would do x, y, z, during the delivery and not be in the way, stop and really think about it. Her mommy-knows-best mode could unwittingly kick in and push your hubby aside. Your closeness with your mom will help her to know you are making the best decision for your new family, even if she temporalily has her feelings hurt. She loves you and she will understand.
Happy Pushing!
ps-at each of my deliveries, the nurses happily took photos of me, my hubby, and our new family member. It doesn't matter who takes the photo, as long as you have it.

Okay A....my opinion. If hubby says no, then you should respect his wishes and explain to your mother that it is going to be a private delivery and she can visit after the birth.

My FIL wanted to be present with the video camera during the birth of our daughter. I said no to both video and him being there. I am very private and did not want anyone in there, but hubby. Prior to the birth, I did about have a slumber party...my brother-in-law was there, my older daughter, and her her boyfriend, as well as dad. They had movies going and played yahtzee, while I lay there waiting. I made it very clear to all them that they would all have to clear out of there when the time came and they did.

My husband and I are very cautios about eachothers rights and opinions. We have been married 12 years now and have learned to be careful in some of those areas that the other has a very strong feeling about. It sounds like your husbands feelings are very strong about this.

And, you are right, it deos sound like he has taken this stance because his parents can't make it. However, IMO you have to honor his wishes.

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As edit to my response:

My niece just had a baby girl yesterday at 2:15 p.m. My sister emailed me from work and then called later. I mentioned something about not seeing her yet and she sounded rather disappointed...my niece wanted this delivery to be just her and Daddy. I told her that was good that they are there for eachother and she is satisfied with that and sis said, "Yes, but it doesn't make it any easier".

Personally, I am very proud of my niece and sister. My niece for honoring Dad's wish (in which I am certain this was Dad's decision because mom/Grandma was allowed for baby 1 with a different Dad), and my sister for just respecting it and waiting...even though she wasn't happy.

I just feel so strongly that your husband and you (in general) are a cohesive unit. Mom & Dad love you, but you have married now and chosen to make your life with that spouse. In your case, your husband is trying to be there for you, with no interference with someone he may not be able to compete with.

It works both ways for him and her. Marriage struggle when too strong of a parent figure enters into the relationship.

My best friend wanted me in the delivery room for her 1st child & her husband said no. He thought it might hurt his mom's feelings (who was in town) that she couldn't be there. My friend gave in & it was just the two of them. After the baby was born, she very much regretted it. Right away she said how she really needed me there & it would have been so much better. She was also sad because she didn't have a lot of pictures.

For her next baby, she "laid down the law" and told her husband that I would be in there and that she needed me. He didn't fight her and said ok. I was there & gave her support & also took pictures. It worked out great for her & if she has another baby, I will be there again.

My advice is to go with what you feel you will need. Hopefully your husband will come around.

Hi A.:
What an exciting time for you both. This baby will change your lives.I'll try to be brief,as I can see you've received many responses already.Years ago, Husbands weren't even permitted in the delivery room. Men only watched their wives get larger,as months passed,then paced the waiting room for hours,until poof!!.....A BABY!! "WOW....THAT WAS EASY"...Well, us women knew it wasn't (EASY) but they had no idea what went on in that room.Men needed to know. They won't have to endure the pain,but they certainly will have a better understanding.They are reminded for almost a year,that its their baby growing inside you,but...such a miracle,is hard to fathom.The term (fatherhood) doesn't hit them,until they lay eyes on that baby.They finally decided ,that it wasn't just simply a good idea to permit the men in delivery,but They encouraged it.Your husband,WANTS YOU to NEED HIM at your side.Let me give you a silly example.Lets say,that your husband was going in for an emergency surgery. You naturally are very concerned,and want to be by his side. He lets you know, prior to going in, that he would feel better, if his mom was there with him instead of you.Yes I know,he will be there with you as well as your mom,but, your telling him,that his presence,is not enough,hurts him.I'm guessing,that he wants you to feel you can lean on him,rely on his strong shoulders for support.He wants you to tell him, that as long as hes there with you,you need no one else.Your a team now,and this is a moment,that he wants to share with you and your new baby.There will be plenty of moments for you to share that baby with your family,but only one precious moment like this for the two of you.My son and his wife, permitted me to come in right after the birth of my Grandson. I was able to hold him minutes after his birth. I felt blessed. It was a moment I'll never forget.Since your labor,will be the hardest part for you,and your husband will need breaks from the action,especially if delivery is hours away,maybe that would be the ideal time to let your mother stay a while with you,and lend her support.I'd allow your husband to be your rock during the delivery,and share in the joy with you at your babies birth,then let mom step in a few minutes later,and hold her Grandchild. Everyone will be happy.I wish you, your husband,and your precious baby the very best. J. M.

Perhaps you could share my story with your husband. Let me say right off the top that I'm all for supporting and honoring your husband's decisions. However, if there is any room for an appeal to him on this issue, then tell him my story. Here goes: I've had 6 babies in 5 different hospitals with 4 different ob/gyn's. All my births were relatively uncomplicated, vaginal deliveries (except the 6th was potentially serious, but a good outcome). It was just me and my husband most of the time and my first 4 deliveries were all very different, but all good. My last two were very traumatic and upsetting to me. I will have those painful memories associated with my last two babies' deliveries forever.So, I've learned this: most women need their husbands to provide support and encouragement and they need a woman (mom is ideal) to provide nurturing and caring during their labor and delivery. Each person, husband and mom, bring something different to the delivery room and both are vitally necessary. Most women NEED OTHER WOMEN WHEN THEY ARE IN LABOR. Perhaps if your husband knew that he and your mom are both needed, he would think differently. You will remember your labor and delivery for the rest of your life and you want it to be as good as you can make it for you and your husband. God bless you!

I think your mom should be there with you, my mom was in there when I had my last, my husband welcomed her and my sister during the deliverly of my daughter. I think your husband may not want your mom there cause his mom can't be there. J. L.

I think it's your choice. You are the one who needs support and should be allowed anything you want. My mom came for my first much to my husband's distaste but he was nice about it. For the next baby we asked her to wait until after the baby was born to visit.

I think because you're the one in labor, you're the one who needs the emotional support, you choose. He can choose to cut the cord or decide on who gets that honor. Its your mother and you have a close supportive bond with her. As sad as it is(although they do try their very best!), very very few fathers can give their wives the hours and hours of support she needs through labor. And most first time babies average at 8+ hours of active labor before they come!! Tell him that she's going ot be in the room as backup. He will need to have a break from time to time!

That is a different twist on the question though, lol, usually mothers are wanting to know if they can choose to keep the inlaws out cause she's not close to them.

Best wishes and congrats on the little joy!

i didnt have that issue with my daughter. i told my husband who was aloud in MY room durring my delivery. i had my mom his mom my oldest sister and my youngest sister and of course my hubby! in the room while i delivered. but i also had many other people in and out of my room before i delivered like his brother and girlfriend and some other family. i would just explain to him that you want more pictures then the few the nurses will take. remind him that if something goes wrong the nurses wont take pics if the baby is in trouble. my hubby and i have no pictures of my daughter right after she was born because she was girggling and not breathing well so they rushed her to the nicu. however i know when ever my husband and i have a second child i think that i dont want anyone in the room with me besides my husband. my reasons are because of his moms big jelousy issues over my daughter. tell your hubby that your mom will stay up by your head so she wont be in the way. im sure you will work something out and if not your mom will understand. good luck!

A.,

Okay, so here's the thing about birthing plans...they are just plans and everything can change at the last minute! But, like my doctor told my son's father...it's about the birth of the baby and not about who likes who or who doesn't want someone around.

My son's Dad and I weren't together after my 12th week, and even though he did partcipate in some doctors appointments and was around a bit, he did not want my Mom in the room. They have not ever gotten along, and he didn't want her getting in the way or being around. But, I was very firm about what I knew would put me at ease during the birth of our son, and for me it was having my Mom close by. We are very close and this was a HUGE deal for me...being it was the birth of my first and maybe only little one.

With that being said, my WHOLE plan got thrown out the window and my son came 8 weeks early and was born via emergency c-section!! But, I made sure my Mom was allowed to be nearby so, she could be there for me and see my son.

I think you need to sit down and explain that for your peace of mind and comfort during this very important time, you'd like her to be in the room. Trust me, things change on a dime and if my Mom wasn't there NO ONE would have taken ANY pictures of ANYTHING because no one had the foresight to bring a camera to the hospital that day except for my Mom. In the end, it's just one of those things a girl wants to share with her mother. If he's worried about her stealing his thunder or getting in the way, make sure he knows that she is just there for support and make sure she knows too!

Good Luck!

Hi A.,

Well, I'm conflicted...LOL, I had every some kind of family in the delivery room for my first-born, and then when it came time to push, it was my husband, me (where the HELL would I go), my mother and my husband's Godmother. My father along with the rest of the family clan waited outdoors, but right up 'til the time, they were all there.

My second delivery, was my husband, my mother and father and one sister-in-law (my husband has twin sisters), my husband's mother had our first-born. My father again, left the room, but was happy to hold my hand and pray, rub my head, and help me with breathing techniques looooooong before the actual pushin'. However, his brother and sister-in-law were in town...having just picked them up from the airport, they were somewhat tired so that was an "easy-way" out for him...LOL! My mother (who hadn't watched the total delivery of my first-born, she was busy up at the head of the bed whispering sweet nothings in my ear...LOL)actually watched her second grandson being delivered...the crowning, the head, the shoulders, the entire baby being born, she was ecstatic and my husband was so pleased she was there.

On my third son, it was just me and the husband...all others came afterward...this was the first real time that we had together by ourselves, with full "birth" coach mode in swing. Of course, my husband had his share of "food," while I looked on in desperate hunger...no nurse would allow food...you know just in case, my labor pain caused some nausea.

I agree that you should weigh your husband's concern heavily...respect his wishes and perhaps, as another mother suggested, have your mother there leading up to the actual delivery and then ask her to step out so that you and your husband can share "your" moment together. Of course, "prep" her prior to...LOL, don't let your delivery date be the first time you've mentioned to her of your plans...that could prove more devastating than hurtful.

Good Luck and Congratulations. My second son is an April Baby...APRIL Babies ROCK...I'm not one, but they rock anyway...LOL!

Hi A.,
It's hard for me to input much without knowing more about the background of the situation. Perhaps if you first find out WHY your husband doesn't want your mother there, then you can have a discussion about it. Likewise, perhaps if you share with him why you do want her there (while still being mindful to not make him feel like he is being replaced), that could help as well.
Who knows what insecurity he might have, or fear, or perhaps he's just looking for it to be intimate and to be your rock. I think it's really important to find out what is behind this for him. Also, what is their relationship like? How comfortable is he around your mom?
The other question I had was in regard to your birthing plan. I don't know what kind of birth you are planning (natural/medicated), and how much of a labor coach you will need. Is that a role that your husband is willing to and prepared to take on? If you are planning a natural birth, then it is really important to make sure that you have adequate support from someone who can help you through it. That means understanding the process and what you need during that time.
I'd suggest having a heart to heart with your husband, and taking it from there. It may require finding the balance between your husband's wishes and taking care of your needs and adequate support during a very important time. Who knows, maybe he just needs to be reassured that he's your number one support, and that you value his role and importance above all. Perhaps once he knows that that is established, he might feel safer about having your mom around. Again, that's all stuff that you need to find out from him.
Another point you might want to bring up is that it would be helpful to have another person there as a support for him as well - to give him a break, get food, go call the nurse, etc.
I'm sure you'll get this worked out. Just really create a loving space to have an honest, heart to heart talk, and take it from there.
Congratulations on your baby on the way.
Please let us know how it works out!
Take care,
M.

Gosh, I hate to poo poo on your hubby but for us, it was all up to me. My husband didn't care either way. I DIDN'T WANT anyone but him - but I'm not close to my Mom. I also know had I wanted 15 people, he could have cared less. So, I don't know, maybe sit down with him and find out why he doesn't want her there. Is it personal or is it that he doesn't want to share this moment with anyone but you and his new baby? I think if it has something to do with your Mom then he needs to buck up. If it is simply that he just always pictured it "this way" then compromise some how. It's tough cuz' if having your Mom there with you is going to make it a better experiece for you then, well, that is very important. However if it upsets him, then we need to meet somewhere in the middle. How do you like that?? All that said, without really saying anything helpful! Just thinking outloud. Let us know what you work out and a HUGE congrats!! Very exciting time!!!
M.

Think of it this way; do you think you could possibly have any regrets later on about having your mom there? How about any regrets with not having her there? I think the way you answer those two questions will give you much insight to this issue. Talk to your husband about it and just tell him "look, no offense or anything, but I am the one having this baby, I am the one who is gonna be in pain, and I am the one who needs to feel COMFORTABLE (as much as possible anyways) therefore, I should be able to decide the setting of the birth and who will be there." Hopefully your husband will be wiling to do whatever it takes to make sure you are happy/comfortable when you give birth.
Good luck and Congrats :)

What a sticky situation!

Why is he so adamant about this? Is it because his own parents won't be there?

Sure, the Nurses can take pictures for you, but they are busy too... after-all. HE can take the video footage himself. That is what my Hubby did, when I gave birth, with both my kids.
My Hubby did both, taking pictures AND video.

Does he and your Mom get along? Is he just wanting 'privacy' for the birth, or just not wanting 'interference' by in-laws in the room?

Maybe he is just self-conscious, because this is HIS first baby being born, and wants to be himself without having to have anyone else around. To enjoy it privately with you, ONLY. For HIM to be the one holding your hand, not your Mom. For him to be the one who is helping 'coach' you... not your Mom. For him to be the one to offer support and emotions... without your Mom 'watching' him. There is nothing wrong with that either.

IF his Mom were able to be there... would he 'allow' her to be in the room during the birth? Or is it just YOUR Mom he doesn't want there?

The thing is, this is your first birth too... and any woman has dreams of how they want it to occur. It's normal.

For us, I did not want anyone else in the room except for my Hubby. I did not want to have to contend with ALL the personalities in the room... nor my Husband. We just wanted OUR time together, privately. So that is what we did.

But everyone is different. Just try asking your Hubby WHY he does not want your Mom there? Does he have a reason?
Sometimes, men just want to be the first one's to see and hold the baby... not share it just yet.. to savor the moment unobtrusively and in private... in their own time. And that is understandable too.

The thing is, you want to resolve this so that 'everyone can be happy with the outcome and be able to just cherish the experience...." as you mentioned. BUT... is this for 'everyone'? Really, it's for you and your Hubby, who are giving birth.

Maybe your Hubby fears being pushed aside by your Mom, because after-all, you said that you and she are VERY close. So...where is HE is all of this? He has to come first, too. And it will set a precedence for later... for how he is 'treated' as a new Dad. Will your Mom come first with the baby, or him?
It may sound trite... but men think about this. My Hubby did... because my family is VERY strong-personality-ed.

Next, you'll have to decide, what will happen after you get home with baby? In other words, as a new "Dad" your Hubby may want privacy, and you may want everyone around. Have you talked about this yet?

For us, my Hubby felt pushed-aside by my strong personality family... so I had to speak to them about not getting in the way so to speak... and to KNOW that my Hubby needs to be respected, as a 'new' Dad. So, it can be uncomfortable too, for the Hubby. So think about this aspect too. Sometimes, my family was SO eager to carry our new baby... that my own Husband was hardly ever allowed his own private time with our baby... and THEY were carrying the baby more than him. How irritating is that for a Hubby/new Dad? It's not fair.
New 'rules' of respect have to be invoked... for the enjoyment of all, but with the Parents as the key role and rule makers, with their new baby and their own nuclear family.

But if your Hubby is simply being 'selfish' about it and has no reason for his not wanting others in the room... well, you both have to come to an agreement about it. Or, is his own Mom giving him flack for not being able to be in the room too? So maybe he is telling you this?

The thing is, it is your Mom/his parents that should acquiesce to this situation & your birthing plan...not your Hubby. WHO is the priority here?

I really don't have an answer for you per say.. .just some ideas and things we went through.

All the best,
Susan

Wow. That is tough. You have to get clear answers from your hubby on why he doesn't want her there. Then try to work around that. For instance...if he just doesn't want to be embarressed if he faints or whatever during the actual delivery then maybe she can step out for that brief time. He is putting too much pressure on himself. A woman needs as much love and support at that time as possible. I personally didn't want anyone else there, but that is because I didn't feel any one could offer me the support. Explain to your husband you will be going thru a lot of pain and discomfort and you need as much cheerleading as possible! Ultimatly it is your body and you need to feel as empowered as possible! Try to reach a comprimise because it is more than just not wanting to hurt feelings...it is YOUR support!

i am closer to my mother in law than my own mom and i choose to have her there instead of my mom. my mom was crushed with the first birth however i was adopted and so she had never had a child i wanted someone there who had been through the experience. i do understand that your husband takes issue with your mom being there but it is your body and you are the one who will be pushing a child into this world you need to be comfortable and if having your mom there is important to you than you need to make that clear and let him know that this should be your decision.

A., You situation is a tough one. I am really sad to hear that your hubby does not want your mom to be there for your delivery. When I had my first child I know that I wanted my mom present and he was a bit against that, but I told him that it was important to me and that I did not want a problem to come out of that. Then he told me that in that case he wanted his mom there too. To be honest I didn't want her there. He invited her anyway, and sey I could have thrown a fit and told her to leave when it was time to push but for some reason I just let it go. She was there too. In the moment of delivery all that mattered to me was to concentrate on my breathing to have the strength to deliver my child (I had not pain killers, it was all natural). At that moment God knows I was talking to Him in prayer as I delivered. The only thing that mattered was that I was eager to see my baby. I now look back and thank God for the way things turned out, now my hubby's mom has wonderful stories to share to my children about how wonderful it was to see then come into this world and how brave mom (that's me) was through it all. So I think you should really think if you desire for you mom to be part of it or not and if you do tell him that you have decided for it to be that way, after all, you are the one who is having the baby. So pray about it and my God help you decide.

Hello. I have given birth 4 times. The first one I was 15 years old and felt like I needed my mom there which didn't go as I had planned. She yelled n cussed at him but I was 15 can you blame her. My 2nd was my stillborn daughter and my mom was in the room again and thank god she was. After I delivered her my ex(husband at the time) left immediately and my mom was there to help me through it. The 3rd was with my boyfriend and due to my health issue we had him at a great hospital a few hours away and my mom stayed out of the room with my son. I did miss her being there. I was to embarrased to let my boyfriends mom come in that time. My newest daughter my mom stayed home with my boys while we went out of town again to deliver. By that time I felt like my boyfriend's mom and I had become great friends. I felt that since she is ill that this might be her only chance to see a grandchild be born since my boyfriends brother is young and not ready to settle down. I felt like I should give her this and I am happy to say even though I was nervous about it up until the delivery, I am sooooo happy I had her there. She was great. She stayed with me while my boyfriend went with our baby to make sure she was ok since she and my 5 year old were born early. Sorry this is so long but I wanted you to understand why I feel the way I do. I think although your husband is the father, I think if you want your mom there you should. This will be the most amazing experience you have ever had and it should be how you want it. I think he is wrong to not let you decide. You could try telling him how important it is to you. If that doesn't work try telling him that if your mom comes in this time maybe his mom could the next time if you have more. IF THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT, I SAY DON'T LET HIM STOP HER FROM COMING IN. AFTER ALL YOUR GONNA BE THE ONE WHO NEEDS THE SUPPORT. GOOD LUCK.