No Husband in Delivery Room

Before I had my daughter, I thought the same thing and we discussed the same thing. My husband wanted to be there and he was. Honestly, in that moment when I'm trying to push, I didn't care who was there. But when I started having complications, I was so happy my husband was there with me. For what it's worth, my husband could barely wait the 6 weeks after before he started trying to be intimate. I ended up having to have a c-section, have a 7 inch scar across my abdomen, and he still looks at me like I'm the greatest thing he every saw.

My poor husband had to clean up two birth tubs from two home births. Poor guy saw my poop, blood.etc.

What does he want? I wanted hubby to feed me ice chips. His presence was essential to me being calm and relaxed. If you think you'll be more relaxed without hubby, and he doesn't mind, go for it.

I am trying to figure out how he got you pregnant in the first place if you are this touchy about him seeing your naked body! Yours are not normal fears, you need to communicate this with your doctor and see if they think some type of therapy is in order.
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I just did a ctrl F on this page and no one called you a freak or a troll. Each word comes up once, in your what happened.

You sound very immature. I get being private. I am a private person as well. Didn't want to change in front of hubby and still to this day he has no idea how much I weigh. Some things are just meant to be private.

Our daughter's delivery was very hard on me. I was so grateful to have my husband there to talk to the doctors and nurses. When I had an issue, my husband was the one who alerted the staff that I was having a problem. I had to have an emergency C-section. He was there. He stood by my head and talked to me. He saw our daughter being born. That is an experience that we share. We had fun creating her and I sure was going to have him at the finish line!!!

He was also there for my C-section of our son. He was my advocate and my champion during my deliveries.

This isn't just about you and what you want. You need to understand that there are TWO people involved. You and your husband. This is his child. Personally, put your big girl panties on and get on with the birthing of the baby with your husband there.

I think I'd be very upset with you. You have sex right? You enjoy it right? And you're naked right? You have orgasms don't you? He's seen you making faces and in the throes of pleasure, birth looks a lot like that....

You'd allow the OB/GYN and Pediatrician and a whole slew of nurses and anesthesiologists to be down below the waist looking at your stretched out vagina with a head popping out but you want to deny your husband the joy of seeing his own child come into existence?

I cannot tell you how much I'd tell you that you need to talk to someone now, before you get far enough along where birth is eminent.

Perfect strangers will see your body but you're embarrassed for your husband to stand by your shoulders and hold your hand.

Sorry, I really don't mean to be rude but I think this is odd.

This is not all about you. You are delivering the baby you both created.

What does he think? What does he want?

When you are ready to deliver, you won't care who is there to get that baby out!!

Why deny him being with you for the birth of HIS child? He can easily stay at your head and not view anything he does not want to view.

My hubby wanted to be with me but didn't want to see how things happened. No problem for me! He stayed with me, coached me when nurses prompted and no issues. We both got what we wanted. He had no interest in cutting the cord and that was ok with me.

I appreciated that I had a caring husband who wanted to be there and help me give birth to OUR child.

You do not "have" to have him there but keep in mind that your issues with having him around, especially if he wants a part of his child's birth and that is denied could bite you in the butt later.

After your update, I honestly think you and your husband are underestimating what he can handle. He is about to be a dad. He will need to learn to buck up and suck it up.

Life with children is loud, messy and smelly. Parents rise to the occasion when in other situations that may not be able to function.

Instead of trying to protect him, tell him he is going to be fine. He is going to get through this because this is all natural. Get some birthing books and videos and watch them together. I promise, he loves you, he will want to be with you as you go through one of the most amazing experience the 2 of you will go through.

Remember how much you loved each other on the day you married? This will be just like that. Exciting, scary and then absolutely beautiful.

While in labor all kinds of people are going to be seeing all parts of your body.
They are all professionals and believe me you do not have anything they have not seen before. Many, many times.

I am concerned that your husband has not seen every part of your body.
Your body is beautiful!. You love your husband? You are closest to him?
I think it is unusual for you to be so embarrassed for him to see you in any condition. A pregnant woman is not only gorgeous but also powerful. You are growing a human being! It is an incredible miracle. You both will be equal parents to this child. He has just as much of a right to be there to witness his and your child being born, please try not to exclude him.

I hope that you can speak with a professional about your anxieties about this. Married couples will spend their lifetime together. You will sometimes need to help him when he is not well and he will be helping you when you are not well. You will both still be beautiful to each other because you love each other.

I am also a private person with my body but believe me, when you are going through labor, all you are going to be concerned about is that your child be born healthy. I was willing to be examined by who ever was there to help me give birth to a healthy child.

I wanted my husband to experience as much as possible because this was also his child.

Seriously? What is this, 1950? Of course your husband should be there. What you depriving him of? Of the most wonderful, amazing, transformative experience of his life, that's what. And you'll be depriving yourself of the support that you'll want and need.

J., the one thing you'll learn about yourself in this process is that you won't really give a hoot who was there looking at what when all is said and done. You will be grateful to have your husband there, holding your hand, encouraging you to push, holding on to a leg during that one last push, etc. You will laugh and cry and be a half-naked, complete mess and it will be wonderful. He'll cut the cord, see his baby (probably before you will) and lay him on your chest and gaze and wonder and awe at how perfect you both are.

My husband is squeamish, and doesn't do well in hospitals, and is totally useless around someone who is ill or injured, and is the kind of guy who gags at the sight of blood of vomit. Yet he's been there by my side for all of my deliveries, and it wouldn't have been the same without him there, and there is not way he would have accepted not being there.

Try to relax about this. Take it from someone who used to be shy about her body and has given birth 4 times (last time was to a set of twins who I carried as a surrogate, so I had those parents and a ton of extra medical staff in the room as well) - you won't care about who is there or what your husband sees, and you will be glad that he was there to experience the birth of HIS and YOUR child with you.

I can tell you what you are depriving him of: Being your support, and seeing HIS child born. I also think that asking him not to be there is a risky thing to do in your marriage relationship. I think it's unkind and disrespectful of your husband and shows that your marriage lacks trust and intimacy.

Sorry, honey, you need to get over yourself. This isn't just about you. Your husband is having a baby too.

Yes, he will see your body in a different way, but NOT in a negative way. In a miraculous way. Childbirth is an amazing thing, not a "medical procedure or sideshow exhibit."

Don't deprive that soon-to-be daddy the joy of seeing his baby be born.

ETA: To all of your "but it grosses him out/he refuses to watch the videos/he doesn't know I have to push out the placenta!" excuses....

So?

Sometimes men even pass out in all the excitement. But they're present.

As for the placenta...your husband will most likely be over with the nurses as they clean off, weigh and check over the baby. He won't see a thing. It's easy to forget that the experience of those standing in the room is not the same as the mother's. He's going to be utterly intent on making sure that his baby has all his/her fingers and toes and remarking how that squished nose looks just like his, or how he can't believe baby's eyes are open and so alert.

You're wearing yourself out worrying about this...but you needn't do so. Your husband will be just fine.

I can understand where you are coming from, with wanting your husband to still view you as beautiful and sexy, despite the strangeness of pregnancy. I know all men view this very differently, but I would just recommend having a conversation with you husband. Have him be honest, is he "grossed out". Pregnancy and childbirth is absolutely amazing and beautiful, and I think a lot of men actually say they have increased respect and are attracted to their wives in a new way. Only you could carry your child for those 40 weeks and have the strength to deliver her as well. Definitely have him stay right by your head if you prefer, but I think if he wasn't there, you might regret it.
Secondly, talk to you obgyn about your concerns privately. This can help he/she help prepare your husband (get him out of the way, tell him where to stand, use different language), if they know you are feeling this way. I am a medical provider myself (a PA), and I love when my patients tell me how they want to be treated so I can better change my style for them. Good luck with everything!

You will need someone there with you.

Someone to bring you ice chips, chapstick, a hair tie to pull your hair back, hold the pan when you vomit (this has happened to more of my friends than not), rub/push on the place on your back you can't reach but will offer a bit of relief from the contractions, go get the nurse when they haven't come after 15 minutes of pushing the button, help you adjust yourself if you are attached to a monitor and movement is hard, or to the bathroom (you know when the nurse still hasn't shown up and you have to go, really have to go).

We are not animals meant to go off and labor alone. You will need someone there...

Ultimately you need to talk to your husband and ask him what he wants.

I wanted my husband there and he wanted to be there. In all honesty I needed him there. I needed someone to run interference with the barrage of nurses asking all sorts of idiotic questions that I was working to hard to be paying attention to. He wanted to be there to see his children take their first breath and hear that first cry. He was the one that carried them and held them while the doctor attended to me to help deliver the placenta and any stiches I needed etc. He was also the one that took the pictures. The first picture of our children getting weighted etc. My husband was my greatest help and support during the births of all 3 of our children/
I hate to say it but, there is no dignity to be had while giving birth, especially if you are having a hospital birth. There just isn't. There are so many strangers coming in and out while you are in labor. If you're there through any shift changes there are even more. You will not care if the entire hospital staff is in there because you will be so focused on the job at hand that it won't matter to you at all, all you'll want is to get that baby out.
If your husband feels that you giving birth to your child is disgusting that he'll be forever ruined by how disgusting it all was or anything else he needs to grow up ASAP. That's his child you are working hard to grow and will be working even harder to birth into this world. He should see you as the Goddess you are!

Honestly, 1) you will have no dignity left once it's over, so you should probably get yourself mentally prepared for that. 2) What you are depriving him of isn't just "seeing the birth", but him getting to see you and be AWED by what you and your body endure in the process. It is AMAZING.

I am a pretty darn private person, as well. Husband and I don't even pass gas in front of each other, ok, does that give you an idea? We've been married almost 18 years. We still close the door when we use the toilet.
Just the way it is.

But he was there for the birth of both of our kids, and cut the cord, both times. It was totally worth it in every way imaginable. And who better to advocate for YOU and what you want/need during a time when, though you are fully awake, you are also virtually fully incapacitated and sometimes unable to speak for yourself (literally... between the breathing and pushing).
Let him help you. He will love you all the more.

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For the record, the birthing class we took did not have videos. At all. It DID cover every imaginable type of drug that might be an option of being administered to me during the birth process (labor/delivery) and the post-labor things (including after C section, if we ended up with that).
Husband stayed up near my head, too. It was fine. He played music for me, and gave me chapstick and ice chips. LOL

You say "if he isn't going to literally watch the birth, ie the baby coming out, why does he need to watch ME as I push him out?" I would encourage you to think about this differently.

My DH was with me and even though he stayed above the waist, he was really helpful to me in there, supporting my back when I pushed, wiping my face, turning OFF that music I thought I wanted playing that is now grating on my nerves, etc.

Remember that for most of the hard work, it's just you and one labor&delivery nurse. The Ob only comes in for the final catch. It's good to have another set of hands.

ETA: I do think that you need to have someone there to help - the medical staff are helping a bunch of laboring women at once, and there will be long stretches of time that you will be by yourself if you don't bring someone with you. If you will have a doula or a mom-figure or someone else to help you, then I think that giving your husband a choice is more feasible.

Also, have you and your husband taken a birthing class? While I admit I didn't get a lot out of the lamaze class I took, it did at least prepare my DH for labor and delivery :) If you do a class with your husband, they'll talk through (and maybe watch a video) of what happens, then he will understand what's going to happen and the two of you can have an informed discussion about it.

Is this at all a cultural thing? Some cultures still keep birthing to women and the men wait.

I asked my DH to stay up by my head, to hold my hand, etc. He got to cut the cord, which was huge for him and he got to be one of the first people to hold her. I did kick my mom out, and she waited in the hall til DD was born. It was just me, DH, the OB (who I had met just a few days before, she happened to be on call that day) and the nurse whose shift I was on. I am a fairly private person most of the time, but 1. this was my husband, who I was naked with to create this child, and whose support I needed, and 2. there's a lot that you can't control when you have a baby. Giving birth is kind of like having a plan and realizing it may not go that way at all and keeping your eye on the end prize. I won't go into details here, but you should go to a birthing class and find out the nitty gritty details of what you may or may not be able to do or what may occur. I personally chose an epidural and could not walk right for a few hours because one leg would not wake up. I needed a lot of help. My sister nearly died before her first emergency c-section. Absolutely her DH wanted to be by her side.

I think you also need to have some sit-downs with him and talk to him about how HE would feel about supporting you and being involved and being left out the day of the delivery. Is this important to HIM? Does he dream of cutting the cord, being there for baby's first bath (often done while you are being cleaned up), etc? Is he trying to be a good dad by coming with you? Will you nurse? If so, will you not nurse around him? Or will you compromise with a cover? Would it be better for you to be in a birthing center vs hospital? Would that increase your ease? If you wouldn't have him with you, would you have any support at all? Your mom? A doula?

I think that your phrasing of "side show exhibit" when referring to birthing your child in front of the man who created it is concerning. You may also want to talk to someone to help you get to the bottom of why you feel like your husband's presence will make you feel so badly. Your OB may be a good person to ask for a resource. Why do you feel like an exhibit on display even now? Are you reading into his natural curiosity or is he treating you poorly? The more I think about it, the more I feel like this is not just about privacy, but unease with your body, your relationship, motherhood or all of the above. Those are things you should try to address before the arrival of a child who will need so much from you, no matter how tired, stinky, stressed or gross you are (and babies are tired, stinky, and gross, too...you will likely find yourself discussing bodily fluids from your child more than you ever wanted to, out of necessity). If you are not comfortable with an internal exam in the OB's office with him there, you can ask him to step out. Do you discuss your unease with him? Your fears? If not, why not?

I do not regret DH being with me, even if I am an overall private person who discusses only the very important things and doesn't indulge in TMI. My DH is basically in awe of what women can do and nothing about the experience has dampened his feelings for me.

ETA: If he gets squeamish, then he can step out. He would not be the first or last father to faint or need to sit down. But I think it is important to allow him to choose and continue to communicate vs assume on either end. I also like the compromise someone else posted about being draped. Would that make you feel better?

Have you asked your husband about what is important to him, what he might like?

I'm a fairly private person; that said, I'm so thankful that my husband was there during my labor and the birth of our son. Birthing-- and all of the bodily actions that go with it-- this is a dignified act. My husband is my best friend and his presence was so grounding for me. He actually saw "that little blue dot getting bigger and smaller and bigger again" (baby crowning) and this hasn't had a negative impact on our intimacy in the least. "From a man's perspective, if there's any trauma with that, they'll get over it really soon, cause guys just want to get laid." That's my husband, who continued to say that "It was one of the greatest moments of my life, watching you crown and give birth." He's not just saying that because he thinks I want to hear it-- it's because it's true.

Your husband may not care, but if he does- then consider letting him be there. It's something that might grow your relationship.

not all wives want their husbands' support, and not all husbands want to watch the delivery. i think it's far more the exception than the rule these days, but there's really no reason why you can't have your own preferences, is there?
you don't really say here what HE wants. i'm under the impression that he does want to be present, and you aren't comfortable with him being there, is that right?
i guess this boils down to who wants it more. sometimes one partner has to accede to the other's desires, even if it's really not what they want. if you feel SO strongly that he can't watch his child emerge from your body that you want to draw a line in the sand, hopefully he'll go along with that. but he shouldn't just be *watching* you labor, he should be helping, encouraging, giving ice chips, giving you a focal point. but if you don't want that either, then he should stay out, i guess.
but if this is really a huge deal for him you DO need to consider that this is a once-in-a-lifetime dealio for him, and put aside your modesty.
and whichever of you concedes, the other needs to recognize that the concession is a big deal, a love gift, and not take it lightly.
khairete
S.

I know for a fact my husband would never have forgiven me if I had denied him the chance to see his son born. That first moment, when they first pull the baby out and lay him on your chest, there is no other moment in life like it. It was an amazing moment and it would not have been fair of me to keep that from my husband when it was just as much his child as mine. In the end it is your choice who is there, but I think it would be cruel to keep him out, and if it was me I would never forgive you for it.

And I will admit it did make my husband see me differently. He sees me as stronger then he realized. He sees my body in a new light too, because he saw first hand what amazing things it can do. Watching me birth his son only made him love me, and my changed body, even more.

Dear J.,

Congrats on your pregnancy! A first baby is so exciting!!! I would suggest that both of you enroll for a very serious birth class NOW. I do mean serious, such as Bradley (10 week course) or Hypnobirthing (usually a good 12 hours) - NOT the kind of class a hospital offers. You need to learn about birth (both of you) and see it (on video) and understand what your true options are.

I would suggest that you watch The Business of Being Born together. It is a beautiful film and super TRUE. I would suggest you interview some midwives and visit a birth center. Find a doula - you will need one and your husband will be supported by the doula also so he should be involved in choosing a doula. You mentioned that you will feel safest in a hospital - please educate yourself. Perhaps a birth center attached or next to a hospital might be a good option for you. In a birth center, you won't have as much medical intervention and you will have a relationship with your birth team. In a hospital setting, you will not know the medical people and likely never see them again.

My husband and I generally visit the doctor on our own but he did come to OB appointments with both of my pregnancies when he was able. He was in the delivery room for #1 and in the OR for #1 and in the delivery room for #2. He watched the OB cut me open for C-section, deliver baby, remove my uterus from my abdominal cavity, examine it, return it to my body and sew me back up. And yes, he is squeamish.

You will need all the help you can get when you have your baby. That does not mean invite the world to your labor room (I didn't have anyone but my husband for #1 and then had a doula and husband for #2). It does mean that there is a reason that women used to go into a birth hut with other women and labor there with the support of the mothering community. You will need help changing positions, motivating you, encouraging you, loving you during labor. If you are lucky - it will be short and result in a healthy baby. If you are average - it could be a full day or so of the most intense work you have ever done in your life.

Good luck to both of you. Be gentle to yourself, your husband and your baby. None of you have experienced birth before and you will learn together. Please explore your options while you have time.

C.

Lol, I remember with my first I had to drive nome from work in labor because I HAD to shower. There had been a huge snowstorm and driving was tough. I then had to drive myself to the hospital because it was faster than waiting on someone else to get to me. Dad rushed in (he drove Limo and literally delivered clients and drove the Limo to the hospital) AS my son arrived. Ugh. It's lonlely by yourself. And as IamKat said you need support and someone there to navigate all the traffic. My friend had arrived prior to dad, but that's not the same support.
Making sure my legs were shaved, driving home for a shower, etc.. SO SILLY in retrospect. Once your water breaks it negates all of that cleaning, lol. But having someone there to tell you how great you're doing-priceless!

I have a family member who felt the way you do, and her husband is a doctor even! She is just really private and even would go into their big walk in closet to change. She is the kind of person who did not like him to see her pee or anything like that (yes, she would tell me this stuff!). He was there for the birth of all 4 of their kids and after the 1st one she got over it. You see, it is your husband's baby too! It's an amazing and beautiful experience to see your child be born and to hold them immediately afterwards. It's AWESOME in the true meaning of the word...the most amazing thing in the universe. This is the way I think of it...your husband is going to see you go through labor and give birth to his first baby and he is going to think you are the most amazing human on the planet and that you are so strong and beautiful. I think you are being way too self conscious! I needed my husband there...he was my rock. He was constantly helping me through the labor...giving back rubs...getting things for me...basically at my beck and call. I loved his support. I think you should ask your husband what he wants and take that into consideration too before you make a decision!

I just wanted to add, if your husband really does not know things like about the placenta, perhaps he should go to some birthing classes. My husband and I took a birth class before our first son was born and it's very informative. They go over labor scenarios. They go over ways to handle pain. They teach both of you how to put on a diaper and they have a special class just for dad's to learn how to bathe, hold, diaper a baby so that they can be more comfortable with it and help out more once the baby is born. They showed some birth tapes. They talk about stages of labor and everything you go through. If your husband really does not know some of the basics, this would be an excellent class for him. If you cannot take a birth class, look into getting some birth class videos to watch at home that teach all these things. Also, have him start to read What to Expect When you are Expecting. I hope you have a wonderful labor. My best advice was to think of it as a marathon...you can do it! You can handle anything.

ETA: Laurie A hit the nail on the head. There were so many people in the delivery room - people I didn't know were seeing things I didn't want them to see...

And Julie S is right - how did you get pregnant if you are THIS private?

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You and your husband need to talk. Plain and simple. Communicate.

What does HE want?
Does HE know how YOU feel???

My husband was in there for both of our boys. He was in the waiting room during the procedures for our miscarriages. You NEED to communicate with your husband!! This is a life you created TOGETHER...why does he get to miss out on it being born because you are shy?

If he stays above the waist, he should be fine. I do understand what you mean about him seeing you in a different light? There are men who get totally freaked out by seeing something COME OUT of their wife...they don't see it as a "toy" or "fun zone" anymore...ask your husband he wants. Communicate with how you feel!!

Congratulations and good luck!!

I think both of you have to be comfortable, and that means confronting your own ideas of body image as well as his. For example, you say his eyes pop out when he see your large belly - but you seem to assume he is grossed out while maybe he is just fascinated. Your body is going to change a lot, and while some women see that as a loss of youth and femininity, they really need to expand their definition of what it means to be a woman. There are a few super models with elastic bodies and personal trainers who are back in their bikinis 10 days after giving birth, but the rest of us have significant changes, from stretch marks to a permanent "baby bump" to changed breasts to hemorrhoids to discharges & leakage.

If there is a cultural reason for not wanting him there, you need to discuss it. You would benefit from separating out what you're always felt from what is hitting you now with all the nerves and thoughts about your body changes. The more prepared you are for both temporary and permanent changes, the better it will be for you.

Also, please be aware that the doctors are not in the delivery room with you all the time, not by any means. The OB comes in to check when you are getting close, but isn't there the second you arrive. There will be a parade of residents who will take turns examining you (really fun in the midst of labor!) and perhaps an anesthesiologist will come in if you have having an epidural. Neither is the nurse there all the time. She/he has got several patients and is floating from room to room. If you do not have anyone there to advocate for you, fluff your pillow, get you ice chips, or anything else, it's a long lonely delivery. You can't get up and walk around if you've had anesthesia or if you are getting close to pushing, and sometimes you are lying on one side because of pressure on the cord or just your own preference, and it's not facing the door or even all that in reach of the buzzer. You can have the nurse clip it to the bed rail or your pillow, but you can't move to the other side and still reach it. So from a practical standpoint, it's very hard not having someone there.

I think it may be unrealistic to have you rethink and cope with all your long-held beliefs about your body and what makes a woman sexy. But if you're always thought of your breasts and vagina as sexual things and now you have to shift to seeing them as utilitarian and going through massive changes from hormones and growth and stretching, it's a huge adjustment. It may be hard to think that your husband is okay with that, if you're not.

A good pregnancy counselor can help you sort this out.

I can guarantee you that when you give birth "being a private person" will go right out the window. There are so many strangers/medical personnel watching that you will no longer care who sees your private business! Anyway, I felt better having my husband there in the room, knowing that there was at least one other person who really cared about my dignity. Also, try not to view giving birth as a medical procedure. It's really not

Everybody has reasons for doing what they do and wanting what they want. I wanted privacy at my delivery, too. My husband stayed by my head the entire time. I didn't use a mirror and discussed with my OB prior to delivery my need for there to be a sheet draped over my legs with only my dr. seeing what was happening as I delivered my baby girl. I discussed with my dr. early on that I had been molested as a child and what I needed from her to feel comfortable and do my best at giving birth. My dr. and nurses were so kind and respectful and took care to keep me covered the entire time. That's my reason for needing privacy.

My husband was in the delivery room. The only thing he opted out of was cutting the cord, which my mom did. Those were the only two people I had in the room.
You will find that you will need and want his support during delivery. If anything, just to hold your hand and give words of encouragement. It is his child too, so I personally don't think it's fair to deny him the experience if he wants to be there. If he really doesn't care, then fine- you do it solo.
With my first, I guess I was a little more private about the whole delivery process. I remember being horrified with the thought of pooping on the table while pushing. lol With my second, I could have had a marching band in there and I wouldn't have cared. Poop and all. :)

I agree with all the responders who say that this is a decision to make WITH your husband. His wishes do count in this.

My husband, my stepson (20) and stepdaughter (17), a midwife and a crew of nurses were in the room while I was in labor and delivered my daughter. My husband "caught" his daughter and cut the cord.

I wouldn't have thought about keeping out the father of the baby that was arriving. He had been in the room for the births of his first two, so I knew he knew what to expect. I didn't affect his view of me or my body except to make him prouder than ever of me. A lot of aspects of life are messy, childbirth is just one of them.

But, the two of you need to discuss what will work best for you.

LOL my husband would have LOVED it if I had your attitude. I didn't make him watch the birth, or cut the cord, but God damn it if I had to go through labor so did he! He had to stay with me and make sure I was taken care of, get me things I needed, etc.
Anyway, does your husband even care one way or another? Plenty of men don't, so maybe it's not even an issue. What's HIS opinion?
Birthing really is a woman's experience, I mean I'm all for men being a part of the process if that's what both they and their wife want, but really, it's such a personal experience, do what works for you.

Welcome to married life where you get to share everything.

My husband stayed with me even when they brought me in for an emergency C-section (he cant stand any bodily functions, makes him sick). As uncomfortable as I was that he was there, I was also glad for his support. I think once you get closer to your due date you may feel differently about him being there.

Sounds like you have a wonderful supportive husband that wants to be there and share this experience with you. I doubt he will look at you differently after the birth of your child, and men that do are very immature.

J. -- Your husband wants to be there, and he should be there. The fact that he doesn't want to watch strangers giving birth doesn't mean that he's going to be grossed out by you.

In addition, it's really good for men to know just how much you went through to provide them with their children. My ex-husband wasn't present for the birth of my first, for business reasons, and I think it was harmful to our marriage. I also didn't make him ever get up at night with the baby, so the guy had everything really easy and had zero idea how much work all of it was for me.

Furthermore, when I gave birth the first time, like you I was all worried about looking bad, and farting, and possibly pooping on the delivery table, etc., but let me tell you, by the time you're in the middle of labor, what you look like is the LAST thing you care about. It makes me laugh now to think that when my water broke the first time, I showered, put on makeup (of all things!), and gave myself an enema before going to the hospital (I just remembered that fact as I wrote this). After my son was born two days later, I realized how silly and unimportant those efforts had been. I skipped all that stuff with my next two kids.

If he really wants to be there, please do not take that away from him because how concerns you have about how he will see your body. Your body is going to permanently change after giving birth and breast feeding that is just how it is. It is so important for fathers to have that first moment with their children. It really, really is important. As in life-changing important and it is much more important that any privacy issue you might have. You need to let him make this decision for himself. He sounds like a great man and seems very respectful of your wishes. I cannot imagine that his being there would be something you cannot handle. You ask what you are depriving him of? His chance to witness a true miracle, perhaps his only chance.

YOU will be the one in a paper gown, no undies, and your feet in the air. YOU will be the one dealing with the pain of having another human being slither its way out through your girly bits. Therefore, the only people in the delivery room should be the ones YOU want there.
Yes, it's his child too. But he isn't the one doing the hard work and heavy lifting. YOU get to decide if you want spectators.

If he isn't really comfortable being there, then his presence is only going to make things harder for you, because you're going to be worried about him, instead of focused on you.

Honestly, it sounds like you would both be better off if he stayed in the waiting room, pacing and handing out cigars.

My husband was a little nervous about witnessing the birth of our children and was adamant that he'd be by my head the WHOLE time. But by the time I was actually pushing our first child out, he was *rightthere* watching and was fascinated by the whole thing. He was like that with all 3 of our children, watched the delivery in its entirety, cut the cord, etc.

He thought it was awesome and was amazed and proud of what I did. It's not impacted the way he views my body at all - he isn't grossed out by having sex with me after seeing the deliveries of our babies. If anything, it brought us even closer together - sharing such an intimate and amazing moment; the moment we became parents, was wonderful. I can't imagine having done that without him.

And just to give you a little perspective - we are a couple who close the door to the bathroom. There are things we do/keep private. I just can't imagine the birth of our children being one of them.

I

When my oldest son was born, I wasn't married and my mom was there. She wasn't helpful. I felt alone even with her right there with me. I remember thinking at the time, "If you aren't going to help me why the heck are you here?" (That's the nice version of my thoughts.)

My son is now 20 and my mother died in 2011. As I reflect back on that I have to admit. I'm glad she was there because I can't go back in time and change what was. I wouldn't want to give birth to any child without someone who loved me there even if they didn't do what I expected and was as quiet as a church mouse even after being asked to talk to me to help take my mind off the pain.

As you said put your fears and hangups aside because this is his baby too. Take the birthing classes. He may not want to see the videos but they are helpful. I was there when my sister had two of her babies. The last birth trust me I didn't want to be there but she and the baby needed me. So there I was, doing what needed to be done.

If on the off chance he is too queasy to make it through the birth process, the hospital staff will deal with him and you will get your wish to do this alone but the wish for privacy will NOT happen. Once you step into that hospital you will be seen by many trained professionals each playing their part and doing their role.

I wish you well on your pregnancy and upcoming birth of your bundle of baby love. I also wish your husband would be able to make it through without being grossed out but if he is or you are get counseling so it doesn't interfere with your loving marriage relationship and the healthy development of your child or future chlidren.

I would have him there for support & to witness the birth of your child.
It's an amazing miracle to see it happen.
Just have him stay back by your head & hold your hand when you
need it.
Plus he can be there to readjust your pillow, get you ice chips, hold your
hand.
He'll have a better appreciation for what you just went through.
Best wishes for an easy delivery & healthy baby.

I didn't have a problem with my husband being in the room with me. I figured that he was there when this little life was created so it was only fitting that he was there when our babies were born. I needed him there as a support person.

Some folks have said that you won't care about who comes in during your labor. I am a very private person and I very much cared who was coming in and out. I did not want a bunch of strangers looking at me. I tried to keep the absolute bare minimum of medical personnel in the room...anything else seriously irritated me.

You do what is right for you and your husband! My husband didn't want to be in there with me. My son-in-law delivered my grandson! The health of your baby is foremost...after that, it's about you! My daughter had her husband, me, her sister, my sister, her sister-in-law, her mother-in-law, two doulas and her cousin (on FaceTime).

Whatever you and your husband decide is not only your decision but your medical right. God bless you and congratulations on your little one. Make sure your husband knows he's no less a Dad if he stays in the waiting room.......

M.

You guys sound EXACTLY like me and my ex (not divorced because of the births, don't worry :)

I agree with you completely about losing your feminine mystique and how uncomfortable all the appointments are for everyone.

Fortunately my husband traveled ALL THE TIME and missed almost all of my prenatal appointments. Even when he was home, he didn't go to some. We just didn't have it in our heads he needed to be at EVERY SINGLE appointment. Actually at one appointment I was angry with the doctor for asking some excessive and unnecessary questions about my past personal life with husband in room (!) and I think it was the last appointment I brought husband to. Definitely spare your guy the yucky intimate prenatal appointments. Guilt free. Until baby #2 when no one cares anymore (yes, it happens).

As the birth of our first approached, it was uncertain if he would be there or on tour (musician) and secretly, I WAS FINE with him NOT being there!!!!! And he was unsure he wanted to be in room for actual birth too.

But he was there. And like you we agreed, "no staring at the actual birth and no filming. EW!". He wanted to be above the waist, and I wanted him above the waist, and the hospital accommodated us and built a nice partition.

When the actual time came, I had 18 hours of hard labor with no meds through which I pretty much blacked out with pain and lost all care about where the hell he was the whole time. He did string Christmas lights in the room and make me a mixed CD of favorite music so that was cute for a minute...So yes, he saw my bodily fluids hitting the floor, he saw my Michelin Man body floating in the hot bathtub, he saw me screaming with pain and saying I was freezing to death and going to puke, god even knows what he heard and saw for all those hours. Apparently the hospital had an alarm and evacuation at one point, I didn't even know it. He saw everyone come in and finger me every few hours and declare I still wasn't dilated and then I'd howl...maybe he didn't even stay in there the whole time. I don't know.

Once it was time to push FINALLY, he was a champ. He was coaching, he was helping. He probably looked below the partition. I probably pooped. He praised me and got all happy when I finally pushed our daughter out. He helped shield her eyes from the bright incubator lights while the nurse bathed her in the room, he cried, he was ecstatic. He's so grateful he was there. He was there for all three. He bragged about how brave I was to everyone he saw.

The second two were perfectly comfortable for both of us because he had seen it all.

Let him be there and feel assured it will be OK. But he doesn't need to come to all the appointments and classes. That's just modern hover-parent hoo ha :)

To the question, what would you be depriving him of? I think you would be depriving him of the very magical moment of seeing the birth of his child. My husband, along with many like him, had to watch over my shoulder and the curtain during three different C-sections. But that moment is no less magical just because he didn't see baby emerge from my vagina.

But also, knowing how the hospital works, he would be missing a lot if he has to wait for a nurse to retrieve him and walk 500 yards of hallway to get to your room. And if he sits outside the door for the exact moment, he'll have to hear you scream anyways.

Perhaps a compromise would be for him to come into the room when the Dr. comes to "catch" the baby. So basically from crowning on.

My husband was there.
I'm glad he was.

BUT I do think this is a private decision that you and your husband need to agree on. So talk with him about it!

Good luck!

I didn't give birth but I never thought of this as a problem. My family has practically everyone in the delivery room when they give birth. I have witnessed several family births. They all say when the pains hit you don't care who sees you as long as they get the baby out.

I wouldn't deprive your husband of being there when your baby arrives. If having him at the head of the bed makes you more comfortable then let him stay there. I figure when it all comes down you will want all of the support you can get.

I witnessed my daughters birth who is adopted and her birth mother was so happy my mother and I were there. She said it was comforting having someone other than medical staff helping her. You will have your beautiful baby soon. Let you husband have his experience too. Good luck and Congrats on your baby.

To Add to what I have stated:
Have him watch a video of a birth on Youtube. Also in birthing classes they usually will show a video of a woman giving birth. This way he will be prepared and decide if he wants to be there for the birth.

With our first, my husband and I were not married, we got married shortly after becoming pregnant with number 2.

With the 1st, he came to most of my appointments. When they started doing internal checks towards the end, he went to leave the room and my doctor all but pushed him back into his seat. She told him he's seen it all before and to have a seat. Now my husband worked in the medical field for a long time and it didn't bother him, but he wanted to give me privacy. I respected him for that, but honestly - they were checking on the progress of baby, so I didn't see it as an invasion of MY privacy.

We aren't super private in our house, and it works for us. I was in the room with him for his vasectomy, he was there for all 3 of our children's births. And honestly, after you have a baby and all of the checks they do after, you don't care to show it all to anyone (exaggerating, but you get the idea).

Especially if your husband WANTS to be there, I can't imagine even thinking of taking that away from him.

As I tell people, "You are both pregnant", so what is the big deal. You have you ups and downs and so does he. Sometimes they are the same and sometimes they are different. You two are connected and will be forever after the birth.

My husband was with me at a few appointments and at the one that really mattered when the doctor said he would meet me at the hospital that afternoon to break my water. I was already dilated to 5cm on the visit and would have had the baby at home some 30 miles away. He was there when she physically crowned and would have delivered her had the nurse not pushed him out of the way. He was "connected" to his daughter at that moment and still is.

Yes he saw my female anatomy in a different view but he didn't mind. It is part of life and he was there to be a witness. I have to say that I had a short labor and a rather quick delivery so that did spare him the long hard labor of many hours.

So don't think so quickly about pushing out of the labor/delivery process because of your private thoughts. Once you have a baby all modesty is gone. You don't care who sees what anymore.

I wish you a quick delivery and a healthy baby.

the other S.

PS My daughter is now 37 and going strong.

i see you've had several responses on this one. just as with parenting, every experience is unique and i try not to judge. forgive me if i'm reiterating any previous notes but my take is this: allow him to be there, he can decide what he's comfortable with. when you're laboring, you'll find your propensities toward privacy will fall very much by the wayside in your efforts to produce a well born child. i think you'd regret not having him there if for nothing else to tell you what a good job you're doing and how beautiful you are and how lucky he is to call you his. prayers to a healthy, well born child. cherish every moment. :-) S.

We have 3 children and their dad was NOT in the room for any of them. It's a decision we made mainly because he gets squimish @ wasn't sure he could make it thru and to this day I secretly regret it... If he wants to be their... Suck it up & let him but also let him know that of it becomes too much for him you'd be perfectly OK with him waiting outside the room too.

He wants to be there. Which is great. I would support him and do this together. Plus you never know what's going to happen! 1/3 of all labors are C-Sections! My D was delivered by C-Section after 15 hours of labor and her head was even crowning! But she had the umbilical cord double wrapped around her neck and her heartbeat kept dropping when I pushed. These doctors/hospitals want no liability and will usually recommend a C-Section if things are not going smoothly. The point of the story is- My Husband was there to hold my D. He was the first to hold her. I was a little tired and out of it. I was so glad he had that experience. BTW it wasn't all pretty…. But he still likes me. wink, wink ;)

It's not a "medical procedure". It's the birth of his child.