Different Parenting Styles

Liz,

I can completely understand your feeling that way! I would too! You can't change your friend, but you can bring it up to your friends daughter when the girls play together--to say something like..I heard about what happened the other day when you were mean to ___. Next time if your frustrated, tell the teacher find somewhere else to play. Etc. I have no idea what happened in this case, but something to that effect to let both girls know that its not ok to act that way and that it won't be tolerated.

Also, you did the right thing with your daughter making her apologize and being accountable for her actions. This will only serve her well in her life-- unfortunately for your friends daughter, she may have a harder time in life learning about consequences if her parents don't teach her right from wrong. Lose the guilt-- you made the best decision for your daughter in the long run-even if it seems like overkill or not a big deal to others.

Take care,

Molly

I hate that kind of situation! People who believe their angels can do no wrong are my pet peeve! Especially since this lady wanted you to come down hard on your daughter for the same thing... she basically, with her actions, told her daughter it was okay, that she'd get away with this stuff. The whole "it's not ok for people to treat you that way, but it's fine for you to treat them that way" thing... I'd take a look at how good a friend she is to you and your family... and possibly decrease the amount of time you spend with them. The problem becomes that you constantly have to explain to your daughter why she can't do something, and gets consequences for her actions but your friend's daughter doesn't... it's bad enough when the other couple is family and you can't avoid family get-togethers, but when they're friends, you can choose to be busy when they want to get together and limit your childrens exposure to this family. Good luck!!!!

Hi Liz!

This is such a common problem for alot of us mom's. As emotional as it is, you have to try to stay focused on how to raise your own child. Many parents/friends do not return "the favor" of teaching their own children right from wrong. Our children usually end up being hurt.

I would try to find a way to overcome it, and get used to it. Thankfully, your daughter is young, and has many more friends ahead of her, as well as you, too :O)

I am sorry you and your daughter are being faced with this, but unfortunately, this is a real life, everyday scenario! Stay focused on your own household, as you have not control over anyone else's home and rules.

~N. :O)

Hi,

Let me first say...GOOD JOB as a parent to stay strong with your daughter on what is right and wrong. As a parent, that is our job to teach our children good morals and values and let me tell you...so many parents don't do that!

Before we had kids, we would look at our friends kids who would be acting up and my husband and I would say "our kids will never act like that". Well, we ate a lot of words because as we had kids, we found out that kids will be kids and WILL do that stuff, but it is up to the parents to let them know what is acceptable and what is not. We happen to be parents who are strict when it comes to respect for adults and children alike, values and morals.

Over the years, we have lost many friendships (that we developed through our kids)due to kids. We had friends who chose not to discipline their children and instead just be their friend. We love our kids but feel that this is our time to raise them and when they are an adult, we will be their friend. We have such a good relationship with our kids because they respect us. They know that we can have so much fun together but that we will not allow them to be disrespectful to others (don't get me wrong...they will "test" us now and then, but we are consistent). I do have some friends that we've had for a long time that we just do things with the adults, not with the kids. And that's just fine with us!

We do have some friends who seem to have the same idea of parenting and we always joke that we should have a "parenting class" to the people that don't seem to discipline and think their kids can do no wrong.

My kids are 13, 11, and 8 and let me just say they are in no way perfect, BUT..we get compliments on our kids all the time for their manners and respect for others. They are so well liked from other people and we have actually seen them change some kids who admired ours.

Stay strong with what you believe in...you are doing such a good job as a parent and someday, your child will thank you for that!

If you compare your parenting style to other parents, you will ALWAYS feel guilty for being too hard! There is a VAST array of parenting styles - NONE of them perfect.

If you feel that you addressed the situation appropriately with YOUR daughter in a way that will result in a wonderful, sensitive, respectful young adult in the future, then be consistent and don't worry too much about how others parent (or don't) their children.

Enjoy!

Mom of four: 19, 12, 7, 5 mos

p.s. ...always known as "too harsh, strict, etc." BUT my 19 yr old is on her own, pays her own bills, works and goes to college, volunteers in her brother's classroom weekly, AND we get along!!!

So, again, enjoy!

Liz,
I don't blame you for feeling annoyed! I would be, too. My son's best friend in preschool went through a phase where he was pushing kids and using mean words. I knew the parents but did not call because friends of mine with older children warned me to stay away from parent-to-parent conversations for exactly this reason. Some parents really cannot handle the idea that their little angel has any flaws, though they are able to see the flaws in our kids. In a school situation, your friend should have spoken to the teachers and let them handle the situation. In our case, I spoke to the head of the preschool, and she took my concerns seriously, let me know that my child was not the only one that was on the receiving end of this treatment, and that both the school and the child's parents knew about these problems. I asked if the parents seemed to get it or care, and she said yes and that the parents were working with the teachers and other resources. That was all I needed to know. I know your friend "started" this by going straight to you with her concerns, but going forward I strongly suggest talking to the school instead of the parents. Often you will find that your child is not the only target of the bad behavior, and parents seem to have an easier time accepting feedback from teachers than from other parents. If this friend comes back to you with any more reports of *your* daughter doing something, perhaps you can suggest that she speak to the teachers since they are the ones who witness (or are missing) this behavior and whatever preceeded it (you might not want to mention that last part). I think your friend should have taken your concerns more seriously, but she didn't. If her friendship is important to you, I'm afraid you might have to accept that she has a tough time receiving feedback about her child and that you are unlikely to receive an apology.

I dealt with a similar situation when a mom was actually not wanting her son to play with my stepson because of something he did. She decided to address this situation with me instead and asked me to closely monitor them while her son was over at our house. When she came to pick her son up he actually performed the accusing act on my stepson and looked at me and said "boys will be boys." I think she also learned a lesson.

Feel proud of what you did but know you can't be responsible for your friend's life lessons and disciplining. But if you really feel you can't let it go and be yourself with your friend, don't hold the resentment inside, it's too unhealthy. I guess it depends on your level of friendship or if she's just the mother of your daughter's friend.

I wonder how much of a "good friend" she is?? If you have a great deal invested in this relationship with her, then you need to calmly ask her what the difference was between the two situations? She does not want your daughter being mean to her kid, but when the reverse happens, it all of a sudden becomes no big deal? If you do not have a close relationship, then do nothing. You can have different parenting styles and be friends, but you should clarify why the double standard.

Hi Liz,

Congrats to you. You taught your daughter the high road. I know it didn't work out with her friend, and she is probably very confused about how she is supposed to behave. I would reapproach your daughter and discuss with her the feelings she has about the situation. Let her vent anger and frustration that she has to obey the high road rules and that other people don't live by them all the time. You can help her understand that she can be proud of herself for choosing to do the right thing.

As for your girlfriend, you really shouldn't tell her how to raise her child.
Sometimes 5yo's don't know how to communicate frustration and they get physical. If her child continually is aggressive, end the friendship. You don't need a bratty kid teaching your daughter bad behavior.

Are the children over it? If so, you could follow their lead.

As far as the adult feelings go, I would have been mortified just like you were. I think you'll have to be very careful that these friends don't label your daughter the 'bad' one and then recruit you to punish her. I've been in those shoes and it is VERY hard not to take the bait, especially when your child does something that isn't up to your high standards. It's embarrassing, and we want to save face by publicly disciplining our children, but the last thing we want to do is to convince our children that they really are bad...

Counsel your daughter on her behavior privately instead of in front of these friends...that's my advice.

Hi Liz,

You have had a lot of responses for how you should react. Let me tell you that this is just the beginning. The drama does not get any better, especially for girls. The best you can do is teach your daughter what you expect from her and how she should behave. Next, get out of it. You can certainly counsel your daughter on steps she can take, but friendships will come and go quickly. One day she will feel picked on and out of the friendship loop, and the next day she will be the most popular in the class.

After a few episodes of trying to do the apologies back and forth and trying to get the parents involved, I found that I was not teaching her to handle these things on her own. There are going to be a lot of these situations and she needs to be able to work through them on her own.

YOu are doing a good job, she will be able to handle and work through more than you think.

D.

hey liz - you've gotten lots of great responses, so i'll try to keep this short (postscript - i didn't!!!): i agree that a little more communication w/ your friend about how her response made you feel would be good - even if you don't like her response again, you'd be clearer that she's maybe not the right friend for you and can gracefully, quietly back away from the friendship.
also, kids do ride a rollercoaster of getting along/battling and we mamas do need to take a more overall view of it -
i also agree that you should hold to your high standards in regards to your own daughter's behavior, although discussing them more privately (aside from her giving the other party a clear apology) also sounds like a good idea (because it sounds a little like the other mom gained some emotional advantage over you because she was witness to how seriously you took the first situation with your daughter) and can give her a tension-free environment to talk about what the other kid might be doing to HER and how she should handle THAT! keep the lines of communication clear, loving and supportive with your daughter, and maybe keep those lines a little briefer with your and her friends, because we certainly can't control what goes on in their homes/etc.
good luck! you made yourself vulnerable and sounds like this friend of yours isn't acting too worthy of that trust, but that's how we learn who are the right friends for us, eh? you're doing a marvelous job and i applaud you :)
breathe and let go :)
XXXOOO,
S.

Dear Liz,

First…..This is not a “VERY GOOD FRIEND”

Second…..If you have to ask for an apology when you or your child has been wronged, it’s a pretty good clue that you and your child need new friends. Good thing the teacher let you know what really happened.

Third….About “Another friend told me”……Stop the gossip, involving people who had nothing to do with the actual incident.

Fourth….No you should not feel GUILTY or Too SENSATIVE, but the two often go in pairs.

LASTLY...It sounds like you are a very good MAMA teaching your children good values and that there are consequences for good and bad actions. My only recommendation is that you choose your friends more carefully and don’t make your child pay too dearly for what might be typical childhood behavior.

Blessings….

Liz,
There is nothing you can do about the other parent. Only know this, it will eventually come back to haunt them. They probably think that your daughter got what she deserved for everything that has happened prior to this incident. You can't make someone appologize to you, unfortuneatly, although it would be really nice if we could. While the situation is totally frusterating, maybe it would be best just to stay away for a while to let things cool off.
W. M.

I would try to talk to her 1 more time and if it doesn't do any good, I would end the friendship. Doesn't sound like she is concerned about you or your daughter.

This is a tough situation. First, I'd say, what happens at school stays at school. Let the teacher take care of it unless she wants you to talk to your daughter about it. While it's hard, try not to get over-involved w/this or it could just get worse. Talk to yoru daughter about what it means to be a good freind & how to be nice but to also stand up for herself so that she has the skills & confidence to tell her friend when she's hurting her feeling. But, this is what kids do: one day they're thick as thieves, the next day, at each others throats....it changes w/the wind. You'll probably just have to realize you & your friend parent differently. If you feel very strongly about this, then maybe it's time to phase out your friendship w/this woman. In the scheme of life, there will be bigger issues w/your daughter to deal with & sounds like this is not a huge deal.

Liz,
What a lousy situation. I don't think you should feel guilty about how you handled this incident with your daughter. You did what you felt was appropriate and from that your daughter will learn how to treat other people with tact and courtesy. Whether or not your friend instills these values in her own daughter is up to her. You may have to explain all of this to your daughter however, since her friend did not get into any trouble even though she acted in a way that your daughter would be punished for.
Too bad the other mom didn't show the same respect for you and your daughter that you showed to them.

If she has been a good friend, you have to be honest with her. Try to be tactful as well. She didn't handle this very well and it may be from embarrassment, especially after she made a fuss over your daughter. We've all had our less than stellar moments.

If she isn't a particularly good friend, be civil, but don't waste energy trying to talk to her or continuing the friendship.

Either way, I highly recommend letting your daughter and her friend work this out without obvious parental intervention. You should talk it over with your daughter, asking lots of open-ended questions and really listen to what she has to say. Be supportive, be clear that you don't like hitting, etc., ask her how she thinks she can solve this problem. That doesn't mean abandoning her or letting her get hurt, stay involved with her and listen. She will also let you know how serious the problem really is.

If the physical aggression is more than the usual isolated playground misbehavior, talk with the teacher directly. Bring your daughter with you for this and show her how to deal with a problem.

My daughter's best friend is mean, and has very little parental supervision. I tell her myself that her behavior is unacceptable and she's not allowed to speak to my daughter the way she does. But I see they are only 5 and mine are 11. I'd apologize to your daughter, talk to her about her feelings, and next time there is a play date mention to the other girl that her behavior was not okay. Good luck, I know it's hard.

oh man,,,,that's got to make you burn......but yeah, two different styles of parenting....though..when both of my kiddos have a confrontation wiht a friend, I do my best to mimick the discipline of the other parent but in my own way if in front of thier child, so that I don't "reverse" the discipline that they have done....but for her to non chalantly wave it off after you went out of your way to make a point with your child..and after she went out of her way to tell you about the incident....BUT....each child is different and handles discipline in different ways....

I would tell her that when she came to you to let you know there was a problem that you dealt with it and that your daughter apologized for her behavior and that out of respect for your friendship you would like for the same treatment. You can't tell someone how to parent, but if she is going to expect you to deal with the situation when it's your daughter in the wrong, then you have every right to expect her to deal with it when her daughter is in the wrong.

First I would like to remind you that they are only 5 years old and 5 year olds are going to fight, argue, make up and move on in their own way. I feel you handled the situation appropriate for you and your child however it may have been to the extreme depending on what actually really happened. Your friend obviously feels different but if your daughter accepted the apology and moving on then follow her lead, your doing a great job. Try not to let it interfere with your friendship but if you really need to talk about it do so in a non threatening way and be willing to accept what she has to say wether you agree with it or not. I am sure this won't be the last time you will encounter these types of situations with these girls.

Wow. Not knowing exactly what happened makes the situation difficult to understand. However, I would give your friend a second chance. Tell her exactly what you told us: that you're surprised and annoyed, given all the effort you went to on her daughter's behalf, that you understand your parenting styles or different, but you and your daughter are still hurt. If she brushes you off again, well, honey, they don't sound too much like friends.

Maybe... your friend is thinking that her daughter learned the behavior from your daughter? I know you all apologized which was so great, however she maybe thinking that your daughter had it coming. I suggest you let it go and try to move on. I'm quite sure that is what the little ones have done. It's just harder for us.

Yeah, move on. You are only responsible for parenting your own daughter, your child will grow up nice and hers won't. You need to parent your child properly regardless of what others do.

The girls are only 5, so being too harsh on either of them would be excessive.

Your friend's attitude, however, may want to make you consider what kind of friend she is...

oh man, yeah thats a tough one but I think you already know how this should play out. Yes, you need to admit (to yourself and spouse) that you have different styles and accept the fact that no, you cant make her parent differently. You should not however change your behavior/parenting style with your child in response to it. Your family still has certain standards and you expect your kids to abide by them -- no matter who they are playing with.

Having said that your daughter is young so I would reinforce that this is the way we do it because ...whatever; we dont like to hurt people, hurt feelings...make it very real to her so in case she finally sees the discrepancy that her friend gets away with she'll have a firm understanding of why she is expected to behave the way you desire. Its entirely possible too that as they get older the character of the friendship will change and she'll hang out with kids who she has fewer conflicts with.

Finally, let me add that I know several 'let the kids work it out' type parents as well as those that keep a firm thumb on their kids. and when they get older those who have had little practice controlling their own behavior (because mom always was) freaked out a little and rebelled, versus the kid(s) who were taught to examine why they were behaving in a certain way and had been taught empathy by their parents. This isnt to say we should just have a whole 'lord of the flies' tribe thing go on, but give them the basic structure and then let them negotiate their relationships (in an age appropriate way of course) but always be there should they fall. Caveat* ALL of this is out the window if there is real danger/physical violence