Did He Really Just Say That to Our 3.5 Yo!!!!

Don't say anything. You already let him know that his comment was wrong and he already admitted that he was wrong. Nothing to be gained by bringing it up again so drop it.

You do know that his comment to your son was a direct stab to you-he was absolutely using your son to get back at you. Your husband is completely immature and not as good as a father as you give him credit for. What he has effectively done with this jackass comment was to put the responsibility of his life and health on the back of a preschooler. Your son will most likely internalize that and start to feel that unless he lets daddy get his way his dad will die. That is royally f-d up as I can tell you realize. Not sure what to tell you to do here but here are a few thoughts:
First and foremost he needs to sit down with your son and explain that he is fine and not going to die. He needs to go above and beyond in making your son feel secure now.
What is up with husbands just getting to work out whenever and however they please? I see this so much. DH 'needs' to work out so he goes to the gym after work so that he even spends LESS time with his kids than he already does...same for Sat/Sun. You know what? IF you must work out like this you need to fit it in your schedule where it does not regularly affect your family-mornings at 6 am perhaps?? This is just something I would personally never stand for-the utter selfishness of it is ridiculous. So I would have your DH do 1, maybe 2 games a week. There are MANY other ways to work out his heart. Taking a walk or run in the neighborhood being one of the best. And to be honest I think this 'fear' of his is a bunch of baloney....it is meant to be his 'ticket' to go with the boys to shoot hoops and how can you deny him it if it is for his health, right?
I feel for you and don't mean to be hard on you so I hope it didn't come off that way. What it comes down to is your DH needs to grow up and see that your son and your family is now the center of his universe-not himself.

Your gut-level discomfort with your husband's comment is correct imho. My question would be, is this a one time deal or a pattern of behavior?

Everyone says something dumb to their kid(s) every now and then.

On the other hand, if it's a pattern of behavior then I would seek counseling with him to help him understand that his son is a person (even if a little person) in and of himself who is not responsible for his daddy's health or happiness. That is a boundary issue imho. It is your husband's responsibility to nurture your son - not the other way around. Husband really needs to get his head on straight if he's got it backwards.

Hopefully, though, it was just a momentary goof that won't be repeated. God knows I've said some doozies in the past and thankfully my children have forgiven me.

Heres my 2 cents: he apologized already and spent the day with your son. You said you know he felt bad for it. So, why continue the fight? You said you didnt want him to to go to the gym because you were mad at him from the day before. I think you're dragging that fight into this fight and prolonging both.

We ALL say the wrong stuff to our kids at times. He realized his poor judgment with his "joke". You already argued in front of your son and reamed him over text. He is aware how livid and sick to your stomach you are. What good its it to continue to beat in the subject down? It will probably just cause a bigger fight. You need to calm down and not be so pissed before you mention anything else to him about it.

Yes, it was a stupid thing to say, but really nothing to be livid about. This really is a non-issue. He has apologized, move on... There are much bigger things to worry about. I also think there may something else really bothering you, not the 'die' comment. Just sayin'.

Yup -- he certainly didn't engage his brain before he opened his mouth with that one!

Still, be careful about the overreaction. Sometimes, how we handle things is as much of a behavior cue for our kids as the original offense. I'm not saying you or your child should get tin the habit of excusing stupid behavior -- more that if you make a big deal of this the whole incident will have an even stronger negative affect on your son than just the dumb comment alone did. Your son is only 3.5 so still doesn't fully understand the importance of what your husband said or even the connection between playing basketball and not dying. He will, however, get it if you overreact.

So, yeah, tell your usually wonderful hubby that he totally dropped the ball on this one and tell him clearly -- but don't give any indicator to your son that what Daddy said was a big deal.

Wow, that is messed up, and i would be mad too! He needs to understand that a statement like that plants a seed of guilt in the child's mind that is very hard to uproot, especially if it is repeated. And then, if something ever happens to your husband, your son might blame himself!

That being said, I think you need to wait till you're less upset before bringing this back up. Remind him that he is like God in his child's eyes. Maybe he should do something active with his son instead. After you talk to him face to face, try to forgive.

I think he's got the point, and he's spending time at the park for father/son time. I would be livid if I heard it too. But now you've already told him there's nothing funny about it, that you're mad, etc and he's said he's sorry and that he had poor judgement. Frankly, that's all that can be done. If your son asks about it, you say "Sometimes daddy thinks he's funny, but he's not. That was a lame joke" and leave it at that. Only thing left to do is go on with life, trying to be aware of what y'all say (verbally and nonverbally).
And I agree that it is a problem to live in "fear" of a heart attack like that. Fear of anything that makes your words and lifestyle run differently is not good.

Men just don't think sometimes. I bet the thought of what an awful thing that was to say is enough "punishment" for him :). It sounds little like you're just kinda mad at him right now anyway. Try not to let those feelings increase your anger about the stupid comment. Everyone says dumb things now and then and I bet your son will forget about it immediately if everyone just drops it.

Your husband was stupid to say it, and you have every right to be pissed, but I agree with a couple of the other posters who say let it go. After 10 years of marriage I am finally learning to pick my battles with my husband just like with my kids. It sounds like he already knows that he messed up, and if I had to guess I'd say the extra work-outs this week are due to stress of some kind (at least that's the way my hubby works). If that's the case that's where he was coming from when he made the comment and you telling him no probably amplified that stress (although I think you were right). Men think differently than we do. . . if the incident doesn't repeat itself he probably learned his lesson.

Let it go. If your DH already knows how upset you are. Dont carry it with you all day. It will eat you up. Some parents from older generations ruled and controlled with guilt. Just let your DH know it is not accaptable and then let it go. Good luck.

I would say to address it with your son before bed, but not obviously. I would just have Daddy go in and say good night and talk about all the fun they are going to have together as he grows up, talk about their plans (fishing, playing sports together, however your DH plans to bond with your son), how young and healthy Dad is and how he'll be so excited to spent lots of time with him, now and as he gets older. You son may not even really know the exact meaning of what was said, unless he's experienced a loss in his family recently.

We all make mistakes and say the wrong thing to our kids, and if DH handles it well and reassures your son of his security, he'll be fine. Making a big deal about it will probably give it more weight than it needs to have.

Tell him your actual feelings. Shock, amazement, alarm, anger, and nausea are all real, valid feelings. Everybody has them.

Don't tell him he's wrong, misguided, inconsiderate, childish, anything! Don't lecture him. Don't corner him, you'll succeed in making him defensive and angry (both valid feelings).

Give him some space to process and make good. And take care of your own feelings – nurse them back to an even keel. Your future communication on this or any other hot-button issue depends on it.

We all make mistakes. And if given a little space and support, we often learn from them.

My best to you.

My husband's grandmother told the grandchildren for years that she was going to die - it made a huge impact -- and not a good one. They worried about her all the time. It was NOT a good thing.
He needs a reality check.
LBC

wow...i'm sorry this happened! but my hubby has his moments too and i always tell him he can't talk to our daughter like that!! last week he told her that her brain would go to much if she kept watching sponge bob that only stupid kids watch sponge bob and i got on his case about it later over the phone and he apologized to her when he got home...good luck!

Yeah, I'd be upset if my husband said something like that to our son.
So sorry that being a husband/father is cramping his play time.
Too much of anything - even exercise - is still bad for you.
I worked with someone a few years back who insisted on playing soccer with the 20 somethings (he was mid 40's) on weekends and ended up separating his calf muscle (totally broke apart - one end bunched up behind his knee the rest was behind his heel) and required surgery (they had to yank, pull and knit his muscle back together) and months of rehabilitation just to walk normally again.
Your husband has a fear of aging/dying - perhaps an actual phobia - and playing that often is his way of running from it.
Wielding his fear/guilt like a bludgeon on a 3 yr old is unacceptable.
Some counseling for him might be a very good idea.

Sometimes men just don't think like they should. They say and do things they shouldn't. Believe me, I know. I always have to remind my husband our child is standing there.He does not do it intentionally, he just really doesn't think. I am sure your husband just was not thinking. It was very poor judgment. Have him talk to your son and apologize to him as well. Although he is only 3.5, he will understand it was a mistake if it is explained to him. He apologized to you. Give yourself time to vent. Try to let it go, if he talks/apologizes to your little guy.

I can relate to how you feel, I am super protective of what is said to my children and find that my husband does a lot of speaking without thinking, I think he may have ADD, I also tell him that he is missing a filter. What would help me in this situation is what has already been advised is for me to hear my husband apologize to the child and reassure him that he is not in anyway responsible for his health.

Repulsive. I wish your son had said, "No dad. I just wish if you were going out to meet your girlfriend you could do it on your lunch hour."

i would forgive your husband. i am sure we all know that was a mistake to say that. but you should forgive him and move on. it was a mistake i am sure we all make mistakes and say stupid things in front of our kids. to be angery at first is understandable but now that he realizes his mistake its time to move on. you understandably making such a big deal of it is hard on the family. your son can tell that all is not well in the house.

I would be pissed to no joking matter my kids lost there father at 3 and 5
tell him off

I don't think a 3.5 yr old understands what he said but he knows it's not good. I wouldn't worry about the words but your hubby's attitude. Exercise addiction is tied to an eating disorder, he simply doesn't see that he may actually be in good health. I would encourage him to get a physical with his doctor. Once he has made the appointment you could call the nurse at the doctor's office and explain your concerns. This way the doctor knows what points he needs to hit on and the ideas he needs to focus on. Your hubby is probably in good to great shape but he has worked himself up to be worried about his health.
You don't say what his age or race is and I don't want to make this a race issue but I also know that black men have more of an issue with high blood pressure and heart disease at an earlier age than white men. But that doesn't mean he will have probablems with his heart or blood pressure. Family history, body type, and lifestyle have a lot to do with health. But we all hear stories about really healthy people who are thin and exercise regularly falling over dead from a heart attack. He needs to get some perspective on his health.
Encourage him to get a physical and focus on his overall health. Diet and exercise work together but a healthy mind is also important.

I have to say at least he is thinking about his health. My ex, 57, has convinced himself that he is in bad health, and he is. But most of his issues are due to a bad diet and no exercise. He has been so sick in the past couple of years that he almost died a couple of times. He is diabetic and has had several surgies to fix his eyes, has sores on his legs and now has gout too. Our son and daughter aged 34 and 36 have become so concerned they worry about having to bury their dad before his time. His actual age is 57 and only 5 months older than me and he's falling apart. Me, I have always taken care of myself, eaten healthy, exercise ect and I can still keep up with the grandchildren. So I don't know which situation is worse worring about someone who is working too hard on his health or worrying about someone who has given up.
I believe your hubby is doing this out of love for you and his son. He wants to be around for you both for a long time.

What your Dh said was emotionally abusive and if he'd say something like that, who knows what else he'd say. He cant' take this back. Your child isn't old enough to understand, and now if heaven forbid something happens to his father, your son will think that it is his fault. Putting that kind of guilt on children, making them think that they are responsible for the health and well being of adults is abusive. You may think that I am over reacting, but I think your husband needs parenting classes.

Let it go. I can understand you're angry, but what you had to say should have already been said at the moment. Don't hold on to anger that long. It won't help your marriage, will stress you out, and you will be the one having the heart attack. I know this sounds really awful to you, but we can learn a lot from our furry friends. When a dog/wolf gets angry at another dog/wolf for something they will "growl just after the incident happens," then they will ignore the pack member that caused the problem for a little while. (1 or 2 hours.) After that, they act like nothing ever happened, and they are family again. They don't hold the anger all day long then come back at the family member again later in the day. I know, been there, done that and it isn't worth it. What you can do is to wait a couple of days or for the week-end to set up a "family meeting." Have an adgenda and let him know ahead of time what the adgenda is, so he can prepare for the meeting too. The worse meetings, whether they are family meetings or office meetings, are the ones with hidden adgendas with pyschological tricks. Your meeting should include: when you need his help with your son, ideas of how he can play and exercise with your son so he can bond with him too, (I did this with my hubby - Kick ball in the driveway, small basketball court for a toddler, racing, etc.) ask him when he feels the best time is for his exercise routine, (You've got to let your hubby have a say too, since you are partners in the most important deal ever...marriage.) how do you feel and how does he feel, what would you both like help with, etc.

As for his idea of no warning about wanting to play basketball....You can add to the meeting that you'd like to be informed earlyier rather than the last minute. I see nothing wrong with it, since he would have his sister baby sit; but I can understand feeling angry over him asking the last minute...especially since you're busy trying to get ready for work.

I wish you both the best of luck.

Sometimes people say and do stupid things. He has apologized and realizes it is in poor judgement, so hopefully he won't do it again.

I want to ease your mind about your son and tell you that it almost definitely upset you a lot more than your son. At 3.5, he has almost no concept of what death is. Even if he know that means that he will never see his father again, he still is not mentally capable of grasping the significance of that. He may have already forgotten that your husband even said it.

So forgive your husband, and move on. But also remind your husband of how lucky he is that he isn't dead, and is alive and well to spend time with him son. My sister-in-law and a friend's best friend both died of cancer before their youngests were 3. Embrace every moment because you really never do know when your time will be up.

I would ask him what does he REALLY do when he goes to play basketball... because from his NEED to go so often is getting really suspicious. I think what he said to your son and his insisting to go 'play' is showing a progressive issue.