Her father and I were together for eight years. Maya was born on March 31, 2004. Her father and I separated in March 2006 and he passed in September 2006. That is a lot to handle for me, let alone a two-year old. I am Buddhist and I know trying to explain to her about afterlife is too much. I also know that I should not say he is sleeping or in Heaven. There are times that she just cries for him. I know that some of these times are just for attention but it is hard to know when she is truly grieving.
Thank you all for such heartfelt responses. I have barely cried since he passed and I finally just did. Thank you. I have been telling her that her daddy is in her heart since he passed. This does seem to help. I also brought a stuffed angel bear to her fathers hospital room before we took the respirator out out and held it to him and asked him to pour what love he could into it. I told Maya that the bear is from her daddy and it sits above her bed. This seems to also help. Somewhere along the way either somebody told her that he no longer had a body or she came up with it on her own. I'm not sure which. I have pictures up all around her room of her friends and family, including her father. We talk about him daily, always on her whim though. I just hope it is helping. I think I may wait a couple more months before trying a counselor unless her behavior changes. She is a very well behaved girl, complete strangers always comment about it at restaraunts. I will try the art therapy, she will love that and so will I.
In the case of a child having to deal with a death of a parent, I would get her therapy ASAP. A psychologist is equipped to deal with issues such as these. There are just some things a mom can't fix.
((((C.))))
Hugs to you and your daughter Maya. I cannot imagine going through what you are- okay, I can and it makes me weep for the two of you. I hope you have received support from the Buddhist community. We are Unitarian Universalists, and thus we are in fellowhip with many Buddhists and others on various spiritual paths. I will not tell you that we have found The Answers to many of our questions, but we have found the comraderie of others who are asking the same questions. I hope that makes sense. Sometimes it's a comfort just to know we are not alone.
You are not alone.
Maya is not alone.
Maya has questions that deserve answers, but I feel that your role is not to answer them for her but just to let her ask them. You do not have to provide the answers, but be there to help her frame her experiences and put them in perspective.
Also, I did find you a couple of children's books you might want to look into that are about death. One is called "The Sky Goes on Forever" by Molly MacGregor and it is based on the Wisdom-Teaching of Heart-Master Da Love-Ananda. The second one is called "Help Me Say Goodbye" and incorporates art therapy (Maya is the perfect age for really effective art therapy- and you can do it at home with crayons and paper!!). You can find them both on Amazon.com and you can even buy the second with another book called "35 Ways to Help a Grieving Child" for just under $20 new (and you may be able to get them for less than that as used books through the various Amazon resellers).
Amazon also has many, many books that might help you find some peace, too. No, I don't work for Amazon, I just appreciate how easy it is to find books there! Then I buy them used from the resellers through the Amazon Marketplace. Remember books are people, and it is through relationship with other people that we come to know and love our higher self, improve, and evolve.
Sending healing energy to you & Maya...
Namaste, J.
I am so sorry to hear of you and your daughter's loss. I too lost my father when I was 12 - a bit older, but I still grieve that loss and I am 34 now. I think it is hard sometimes to distinguish between normal two year old behavior and grieving the loss. I think all of the suggestions you have gotten are great. Keeping an open dialogue for her to express her feelings will help learn to understand them as well. Therapy is always a great resource to turn to and i wish that my mother would have done that for me in my adolescents. I am not sure what type of benefits a two year old would receive from therapy - but it is definitely a resource to consider. The other thing I can recommend for you is getting support for you as her mother and now the sole parent for her. That is a lot of responsibility and it sounds like you want to do everything you can to ensure that you help her through this and raise her through the rest of the things life has to offer. As far as the issue of being buddist and how to explain afterlife, etc, the only thing I can suggest is breaking down your beliefs into kid terms and then keeping the open dialogue so that as she gets older you can give a deeper explanation. I hope this helps. Good luck to you! N.
I believe that children know important things that we don't. That as they start to learn to talk, they forget a little more and a little more. We are protected from what they know. It's kinda like when you take a test, children are the teachers with the answers. If they could tell us the answers we would pass with flying colors, but we would not learn. Children are very special. We hurt when they hurt, cry when they cry, laugh when they laugh and grieve when they grieve. I'm sorry about what happened to your daughters daddy. I'm sure you wish you could fix it.
I was thinking that mabey you could do an album for her about her daddy. You could put stuff in it about his personality, talents, things that made you fall in love with him, funny stories, what he felt when she was born and write her some love notes as well. If you chose a great album and protect the pages well, she can look at it anytime she wants and feel closer to him.
Mabey you could tell her that he was called away on an important mission, because that is how important he is.
Hi,
First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to let you know that I am also dealing with the death of my little boy's father. My son is 2 and a half, and we lost his father and grandfather last September from carbon monoxide. His father and I were in the midst of a divorce at the time, so it was a huge adjustment for my son to go from seeing his dad 3 days a week to being with me full time. I can see that it has had an effect on his behavior, which is getting better now that we have a routine. We are Christian, so I tell him that his daddy and papa are in Heaven, but I can tell he doesn't understand that they cannot come back from there.
Since you are a Buddist, you might be able to talk to your daughter about her father being in a better place, or just talk to her about how she'll always have him in her heart. For the most part I think kids have to be allowed to go through whatever emotions come over them. For the younger ones, it's crying and acting out, which is what I've seen from my son. There are a lot of good resources for helping children cope with grief. And if she continues to behave like this and you're not sure what to do, it might be worth looking into talking with a couselor and maybe get some help on how to get her and yourself through this.
C.,
I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your child's father. My only advice is to keep a picture
Not much advice, just a note to express my sorrow for your loss. My thoughts are with you.
D.
im so sorry. i wish i had good advice for you but unfortunately i do not. i just want to extend my sympathy and let you know i am seniding loving energy.
There is a very simple book called Lifetimes: A beautiful way to expalin death to children. It is very simple and talks about how everything that is living eventually dies. weather it be people, plants, or animals. It doesn't go into any feelings or afterlife or anything but it helps to explain that death is a part of life.
My daughter is 3 1/2 and about 6 months ago her grandpa who she was very close to passed away. This book has really helped her understand and has given her the vocabuallary to understand that his lifetime is over. we have also had a few of our fish die and she could relate the two.
I just thought in addtion to the art therapy and such this book might help her. I know what a hard time this must be for you and for her.
Hello. So sorry for your loss. Just wanted to let you know of a resource. I have this video called "A Child's View of Grief". We were given it through a grief support group up at the U. My only advice is to follow her lead--when she is expressing her grief, comfort her and take the opportunity to talk about the loss or maybe some good memories of her dad. I wish you much healing. A.
Maybe you should just comfort her and tell her how much her dad Loved her? I know That there are childrens books out there that explain death in a light that children find comfort in. You may want to check out the library or local book store? I would also allow her to speak how she feels or draw pictures, that way she isn't bottling it up inside and it allows her to focus on something else other than tears. Hope that helps. Blessings, C.
My heart goes out to you. My only sound advise is this.. you are her Mother, so only you truly knows what is best for your little girl. She is to young (in my opinion) to even really understand what much truly means. So, i think just always have photos around for her and go through albums of your family and go through and show her daddy and tell stories about him. I think maybe that way, it wont be such a void for her, maybe that will help. Again, I am sorry for your loss, Best Wishes
I am dealing with a similar situation my childrens father is very ill and has been on his death bed for a year getting worse daily! I found a group for my kids to attend that is called Good Grief the school district got me the information on it. I was told by the counselor to just tell the kids the truth no matter if I feel they can understand it all or not and as they have questions let them ask them. I am sorry to hear of your loss.
