Death and the Holidays with Little Ones

My mom's funeral was 4 years ago today. I will put up my tree today and do some limited decorating. My mom loved her Christmas tree and all the decorating and baking for the holidays. I am honoring her by continuing the tradition.
Do a little and keep smiling through the holiday. It will get easier as time passes.

I am very sorry to hear about your recent losses. I can imagine the pain you are going through.

I buried my husband in October and I still feel sucker punched. It was a sudden unexpected death and we still feel like it is not real. My daughter (20) and I are still going through emotional hell. Daughter lives in her condo about 20 minutes from me.

One thing I certainly suggest is getting into a grief support group. It is one of the best things we have done. I am in a group called loss of spouse. Daughter is in the "other" group which is loss of mom, dad, sibling, aunt, etc. There are other groups for loss of child and suicide. Check your community to see if they have a program like this. It is no charge to the participants. Believe me, when I am better this is exactly the place where I will be giving back to my community.

I am in no mood for Christmas. I do have a tree up because daughter insisted. All of my Christmas things are in the attic and I cannot get in the attic because I have a bad foot. So, I have my tree with 3 ornaments on it... a red cardinal because they were special to our family and we do believe when you see one that someone is checking in with you, angel wings daughter made with his name and an ornament we got at the funeral home that has his picture.

We just want to get through it. On Sunday, the 27th my daughter turns 21. She has always been very close to her dad and since his death she has been so sick and she is never sick. New Years Eve is my 27th anniversary. Needless to say, we are ready for 2016 to just get here so we can try to move on.

You CAN do this. My daughter is a Jr in college and she took 2 weeks off. She had great professors who worked with her and she ended up the semester with a 4.0 again! I was used to working with my husband with our company and now I am doing both his jobs and mine. It is working!! Staying busy has also helped both of us.

It is so hard to deal with the grief and especially hard during the holidays. Please know... no one grieves the same, the same pace and there is no "normal" grief. You do what you have to do to get through your pain and learn to deal with your new normal. Don't let anyone tell you that you are grieving wrong because there is no wrong when it comes to being so heartbroken and missing your loved one.

Special thoughts go out to your family.

Wow...what a year...what a life. I am so, so sorry.

I can so relate to your post. It has been almost 15 years since my son's death (this will be the 14th Christmas since his death) and I still have brief moments during the holidays where I feel sad and don't feel like participating. I agree with you that your son deserves a great Christmas though. I felt that my daughter did as well especially the first Christmas following my son's death. My only advice is "fake it until you make it". As far as how do you honor your sister...you do it by living the life she would want you to live...be happy and be grateful for what you do have. I believe that the best way to honor those that have passed is to live life to its fullest...my son isn't living so I must do enough living for both of us. (Not sure I really believe the last part but that is what I tell myself so I can go on)
Wishing you peace this Christmas season.

I am so sorry for your losses - you had a lot at 10, the same ages as your younger child. And now you have 2 more losses.

First of all, don't beat yourself up with "the tree should have been up" earlier. Lots of people put theirs up this past weekend, and some haven't done it yet. So you're on track - maybe behind what you would have done in another year, but still acceptable! Your child may not remember that the tree went up in past years much earlier.

Can you ask him what he needs the most? What are his favorite parts of the holiday, and what can be left alone? Maybe you always play the music, but maybe that's not essential to him. Maybe he doesn't notice cards on display, but maybe he likes a wreath on the door. Or maybe the opposite. Does he love to make cookies? Is he happy with bakery cookies? Can you pick, say, 3 things he really wants, and then find a way to do them (even if someone else does the baking or the assembly)?

Would it help (or not?) if the 19 year old came home to help? Would your 10 year old like to do some shopping himself? Can you give him a small budget and let him step up? Maybe he really wants to buy something for you and your aunt? That might make him happy, and it might warm your heart more than you can imagine.

Would it help if you did something completely different, rather than do the same things and feel the absence of special loved ones? For example, what if you got in the car one night and went to visit some of the crazy light displays in your area? It takes no preparation other than maybe googling some of the info, but nothing needs to be bought or wrapped or dealt with in a store full of pushing, frazzled people. Have fun calculating the wattage needed, or the number of feet of extension cords, anything.

Everyone grieves differently, and you may not grieve the same was next year as you are right now. Just scale it back, and don't be afraid to talk about your loss. He's feeling it too, in some way - be sure he has a chance to share his feelings without worrying about making yours worse.

Do look for a grief support group too, as TF says. She knows.

I am so sorry! Your sister was so young. You can try to fake it, but your son will know. I would be honest with him (I have a 10 year old and I would tell him). Tell him your heart is sad and you're trying your best. Can you go away for the weekend instead of hanging out in your house? Hugs!

First, so sorry for your losses. Second, be easy on yourself. Third, please remember that children learn so much by watching us. You can share your heart, your sadness yet still move forward with life. Sadness needs to be dealt with and not stuffed inside us. I have found that, in the past when we were grieving at Christmas we would talk about it, cry about it then do our best to do something "fun". You'll probably have to fake it at first but remember that your sister and uncle would want you to make the best out of it all. Again, I am so sorry for your losses. It's never easy.

The first of everything after a death is just terrible. Every happy event is tarnished because someone you love isn't there anymore. Even if you don't feel like participating in things do it anyway. The traditions of how things are done will pull you along with the first of everything and will give you an anchor as you try to move forward.

Did you sister have a favorite color? Favorite bird? Favorite book? Try to add that into your tree of holiday display. My dad's favorite color was blue so there's always a little blue mxed in with the reds and greens.

I'm very sorry for your losses - very hard.
No you're not cheating him. My father died young. I still remember him telling me that he was a person before he was my father. That he wasn't perfect but he'd do his best. You are a person first, and a sister not just a mom. You're doing your best, and I think if this Christmas isn't the same as other years, that's to be expected. I doubt your son will mind. It's probably hard on him also where it was your sister, and he may not feel like celebrating as much as you feel you ought to for his sake.
It's ok to have a year that is less festive. It's appropriate and it's nothing to feel guilty about. I'm sure you will have special moments just the same. Best wishes

you're not cheating a child by being sad. you're in mourning, and that's okay. you do the best you can to celebrate the holidays but there's no need to fake it or feel guilty. a 10 year old is perfectly capable of understanding 'the holidays are going to be dialed back a little this year, sweetheart. you know how much i loved uncle beau and aunt betty, and i'm struggling a bit. what can we do to help you celebrate? we could bake some cookies this weekend if you like.'
i don't really get how a kid 'deserves' to be spared the natural processes of grief when there's been a loss. it's not something you're doing to him. it's something the whole family is going through together.
the tree goes up when it goes up. there is no 'should' have been up date.
grief is tough throughout the hard 'year of firsts', and your grief is so fresh. don't compound it by looking for things to feel guilty over.
i'm so sorry for your losses.
khairete
S.

How you honor her is personal and it's up to you.

For your son, do Christmas as you usually do. Play Christmas songs if that's what you usually do. They *might* help you feel a little better, or they may not. But it won't hurt to play them, and do all of your other holiday rituals.

I think what you are asking is how do you shield your son from your sadness, and the answer is: you can't. Loss is a part of life, and our children are not harmed by experiencing it. They need to experience it, actually, because it prepares them for greater losses later on. It is natural for you to feel sad, and while you don't want to fall apart for days on end in front of your son, it's good for him to learn that mommy is human too, and to be able to cope with and empathize with other people's sadness. .
You are not cheating your son by mourning your sister. You have permission to feel sad in front of your son. I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry. That is hard. The holidays are hard when you lose loved ones no matter if it's recent or not, but a week is pretty awful. I agree with those that said be honest with your son and just do the best you can. Don't necessarily fake it, but try to do at least a few of your usual traditions and make some new ones. Life won't be the same as it was even a week ago, you have to set forth and make a new normal. And it sucks.

Perhaps you and your Aunt and son can travel for Christmas or do something different so you aren't surrounded by the memories. Maybe go out to eat or do a nature hike (even if it's cold!), or go to the movies or something!

I just wanted to say I am sorry. My sister and I are best friends and I can't imagine losing her. Be good to yourself and take things one at a time - even if it means one minute at a time. Hugs)))

As hard as it is it is time to think positive. Say a special prayer for both members and a toast in their honor. Put a special flower on the tree or the mantle and celebrate life. Your family members would not want you to mourn their loss.

The first year is the hardest year as they are not in the physical but spiritual presence of your holiday. If you need to write a letter to each do so and then burn it or read it aloud with others present. By doing this, you honor them and you let your emotions go. I know easier said than done (been there, done that).

Have a very special holiday season with your son. Go to a movie or dinner or skating together and create some new memories for the both of you. Speak to your aunt/mom and have a special day or dinner with her.

This is part of life and we all have our losses of family members with two or four legs or more.

Peace and happiness to your family.

the other S.

So sorry about your loss, I know it's not easy losing a sibling. I am sure your 10 year old knows you are hurting and you shouldn't be expected to be super happy just because of the holiday.

How would your sister and uncle handle this and how would they want to be remembered? I find it helps the healing process when you celebrate the life they lived.

http://familyshare.com/growth/7-tips-to-survive-the-holid...

I think mourning isn't something everyone in the family goes through the same way. You might be having a lot more emotions and feelings than others and they might be suffering all out their on their own too. You basically buried your father figure. Then your sister is gone too. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I think you need to talk to your hubby/spouse/mate and figure out what to do. Your child does deserve to have a normal Christmas.

Why? Why would I say they need the most normal Christmas ever?

I have a friend...really I do have a few...and she hates Christmas and most holidays. She has sad or bad memories of nearly every one of them from her child hood.

Her kids don't know anything different but they don't put up the tree until a few days before. Mom won't shop or do anything until a few days before, she's so stressed out by the time the "day" gets there that no one enjoys it.

So your little guy needs normal so he won't associate Christmas to death and sadness.

Talk to your hubby to see if he can shoulder most of the Hooray! It's Christmas!! Then talk to your aunt/mom about how she's doing and what the 2 of you want to do that will be special and help you both cope.

Then add in the family if it's appropriate. They might need to go through the same thing since they lost family too but they might be okay with small doses of mourning too.