So the other day at work I got a call from my dd and step D's school saying there had been a fight involving my girls and another girl in their grade, both 14/9th grade and that it had gotten pretty ugly. I was told on the phone that the school nurse had had to examine both my daughter and this other girl for full on concussions before they could be spoken too. My husbands away in Boston atm on business so I really wasn't expecting to be put into the position im in now. I got to the school and straight away could see SD standing at the front gate looking very worried and nervous. She tried to stop me when i got out the car and said she really needed to speak to me before i met with the principal but at this point i was kinda freaking about my own daughters welfare and ran straight to the office. When i arrived i found dd in tears with the principle and this other girls parents present as well. My daughter had a developing back eye and at that point i looked at this other girl with pure rage.
This girls parents wanted my two suspended for bullying and i was at this point baffled by such an accusation as was everyone else except.... my SD. She muttered out in tears that for some time she had been bullying this other girl and now because of her stupidity her Step-sister was hurt and I just stood their ashamed. Turns out my SD was bullying this girl (Clara at lunch) and she finally snapped and lashed out but then my own DD was near by and only saw the part where her SS was being pushed and the rest was history. In the end SD has been put on detention and DD and Clara were internally suspended for 5 days (still attend school but isolated for the entire week).
As we where leaving my Step D was crying and said she was so sorry but at that point i think i was just to mad to even listen, I simply told her that she could ride the bus home that afternoon and for her to get out of my sight. I think im pretty chillax as a mom but simply cannot stand bullying as a character trait. That night after I got home with my DD from the hospital we also had a talk and she agreed what she did was admirable but also stupid as well and is grounded for the week of her internal suspension. Dealing with my SD is gonna be a whole other story though, she came down and tried to make good with dd as their very close but for now I don't think dd's totally ready to forgive her. SD knocked on my door later that night and I finally thought it was about time we talked. She came in again sobbing and said again that what she did was disgraceful and that it would never happen again. I asked her why she did it and she said that because shes popular and Clara is a little different that she thought it would be fun. She cried again, we hugged and she said she would take any punishment I gave her and that she would personally apologize to Clara and make it up to DD. I know shes really sorry for what she did but I don't know how to properly punish her, i've been her SM for 5 years and honestly punished her once the entire time ive known her.
Well at least there wasn't any farting this time.
"got up and complained that they had to go potty and one was even scared of how dark the room was. Her best friend Clara..."
And look Angela, apparently her eight year old has a best friend Clara who was invited to the slumber party.
Troll
I'm so glad someone else questioned whether this was real. Something about it smells fishy to me. Ages of the girls don't seem to match previous posts, but I could be wrong, and I teach high school and don't believe any school would allow the SD to be at the gate after such an incident.
If it is true, I apologize for doubting.
MP community: DON'T waste your time with this.
Earlier this year, her "daughter" was having her 8th birthday party, and her friend, "Clara", was mentioned in this or one of the other inane posts, most of which revolve around bodily functions.
Now, her daughter and Clara are suddenly 14.
I almost wasted my time with a real response as I am a step-parent and take that honor very seriously. Glad I didn't waste my time.
I don't believe you. I guess you think we are stupid and can't read past posts. So what is it? Is she 8 or is she 14? Clara was her friend now she is being bullied by your SD?
No way would your SD be at the front gate waiting for you. Please, get more creative.
How were your daughter and Clara 8 years old this past May when they had a sleepover, and now they're 14? Hmmmm...
And your SD can leave school and stand at the gate? And meet you at your car? After a fight that required hospitalization? Right. Perhaps you should edit your fiction a little more carefully.
Your problem seems to be more related to time-travel, not a school fight. Fix the whole "she aged 5 years in 5 months" problem, and the school fight will seem a lot easier to deal with.
This really doesn't sound true. Why would your stepdaughter be allowed to go unescorted around the school and 'wait for you at the gate'? Children, no matter what the situation, aren't allowed to just hang out. I know, I volunteer in my son's school. If they aren't in class and don't have a bathroom/hall pass, they are in the office because staff wants to ensure that the appropriate adult has come to meet them and sign them out. Hmm....
What was your SD doing at the gate? Why wasn't she in the office with the other girls? If this is true, I think she should be skyping or talking on the phone with her dad with you in the room for a conference call. I would also be talking to my DH about what a proper long-term consequence might be, how best to apologize to the other girl and her sister and if SD needs additional resources, like a counselor. You might also talk to the school about bullying and if they have any group meetings for kids - some schools have meetings to help the bullies knock it off (often it is their own insecurities or they were bullied, too) and to help the victims stand up to them. You should also be aware that the parents may consider legal charges if their DD was injured by SD.
ETA: I can understand a different dynamic with a SD and a DD. I don't love my sks the same as DD and they don't love me the way they love their mom, nevermind that I raised SD most of her life. So bearing that in mind, I can see why someone would react differently to two girls, even if she's been a part of her life for 5 years. There's a delicate dance between being a parent and not overstepping boundaries when there are other parents involved.
What exactly is your question? You've retold the entire scenario, including the resolution.
First of all--I'm not sure if this is real.
But I'll bite.
Yes, your SD bullied another student but YOUR daughter made a choice to get involved in a physical fight.
In our school? Both people physically fighting get suspended.
Personally, I would put the responsibility for your Daughters consequences right on her own shoulders--where it belongs.
Some great answers.
Get your SD on board to go to the school and admit guilt and accept punishment. She should also ask for leniency for the other girls because it was her fault.
If you know why the other girl is "different" - autism, special needs, whatever - find out if SD can volunteer somewhere to help people who deal with challenges so she gets a feel for what she thought would be "funny".
Peer pressure may be part of this - find out if that's the case and if she needs to hang out with different people.
You've been her SM for 5 years - 5 years... this isn't a "new" step daughter. She's been part of the family since she was 9, possibly longer if you're only referring to since being married. She's your daughter - I know she's not your "bio" daughter, but when you feel worried about "your own daughter", that may seem minor to you, but kids pick up on stuff. If you actively feel this, than she does too. This also needs to be addressed, and may be part of making things better.
ETA - Now reading other's posts. Great. I've been had. If you're making this stuff up, shame on you. I'm removing my original post.
.
You've got a 3 way dynamic going on here.
Your SD is mostly sorry for getting your daughter into trouble for jumping into the fight and not so much for the bullying of the other girl to the point where she snapped.
I'm not sure what punishment beyond what the school is doing will help them all stay out of trouble.
Does the school have a bully policy or any peer mediation process?
If they don't then they need to develop one.
http://www.schoolmediation.com/services/bullying-preventi...
It would be useful for your girls to get involved with something like that.
Can't say if the other girl would also participate but it might be good for her too.
As for telling your SD to get out of your sight (man, that's harsh) - I know you need a cool down period - but kids need love the most when they are the hardest to love.
"I love you but I'm not always so in love with some of your choices."
I will say that your DD has no reason to be mad at SD. SD didn't ask her to get involved; that was a CHOICE that your DD made.
I think grounding her for the week and during that time, have her write a paper about bullying, from the victim's point of view. It will make her think about what it felt like for Clara and maybe she won't do it again.
Also have her put in there something about diversity, tolerance and acceptance of people who are a bit different.
I think you need to tread carefully with your stepdaughter here... she made some extremely poor decisions, but how you handle it can make it better or worse!
The wrong people are being punished. Because of her actions, the other two got a worse punishment -- that's crazy!
I think you need to correct the behavior, not just blindly punish her. (You need to discipline her and help her see why it's bad, and how she can make amends, and make her NOT want to do it again).
I would:
Have Stepdaughter write a letter to the principal saying she believes the wrong people are being punished, and that this was all a result of her poor choice to bully someone. She should offer to serve her detention PLUS 10 days of internal suspension in place of her stepsister (5 days) and the girl she was bullying (5 days).
I would also make her go to Clara's house, in the evening with Clara's parents present, and have her give a heartfelt apology to Clara. She should bring a gift that she has to pay for. She should have a written apology to leave behind. She should also apologize to Clara's parents.
I totally have compassion for this, but I am starting to wonder why people who type a lot in their posts need to keep using initials for the people involved. If it takes awhile to type a letter why not also type who is doing what. We are just not all savvy on this. That said, sounds really sad and I am actually if I read this right going to congratulate SD/is that your step daughter? for coming clean and admitting that she bullied someone. Now here's the thing, we can't save our children, we can only guide them. She should say she is sorry and she should mean it and not do it again. What was the bullying about? And this is way too old be doing that. Tell her she's got a lot of other things she can be doing in life and that is not one of them.
Consequences for bullying rippled over into your house. I believe SD should be letting the school know her role in this matter and taking the punishment she deserves.
Perhaps the school could facilitate the apology because it becomes tricky when an abuser interacts with a former victim.
As for your daughter, she thought her sister was in trouble and she tried to protect her. Her method sucked but her heart was in the right place.
I suggest family counseling. It will really help get the feelings out instead of acting out. It will also help you consider both of your girls the same in your heart.
I have two boys. The oldest is 20 and the youngest is 18. I've been parent to one for 20 years and to the other for only 4 years but I love the both equally and I show them that. Perhaps this is something you can work on because it is still a long road between 14 and technical adulthood at 18.
I'm keeping you all in my prayers.
I don't think you should mete out any punishment while her dad is away on business. She is clearly sorry, so there's that. I would let her know that you and her dad will have to discuss and come up with an appropriate consequence. And ask her to think about what she thinks would be appropriate. Making amends to the girl she bullied is a good starting point. Let her think about what that means...a written apology as well as an in-person one? An apology to the girl's parents as well? If your school has an anti-bullying program or peer mediation, might that be a resource to use?
For punishment...you have to consider what the end goal is. Is this a pattern of behavior or an aberration? From what you say, it seems like an aberration and not like she has a long history of "mean girl" behavior. If she is popular, her currency is probably her social life, so perhaps loss of social privileges for a while would be appropriate and give her time to think about her behavior while she's home on Friday and Saturday nights instead of out with her friends?
If you haven't read the book "Queen Bees and Wanna Bes" it would probably be a good read for you, especially with two girls in high school right now. It was written quite a while ago but the basic social structure of adolescent girls still holds true and might give you some insight into her choices and ideas for how to guide her to being a person of integrity and leadership and not a "mean girl."
It sounds like she truly feels bad for what she did. I think you need to wait until Dad comes home and then decide together what is the best punishment for her. I agree, she needs to take Clara aside and verbally apologize to her for bullying/teasing her. Make it known that making fun of other people and bullying them is UNACCEPTABLE in your house! Good luck!
