Dealing with Religious Pressure from Parents

I would just tell mom that you have had this discussion and we are closing this discussion forever. If she brings it up just look at her and keep going about something else. When the tears start, either leave or hang up the phone. She will stop.

Your kids, your religion (or lack thereof), your decision. Period. End of sentence.
Next time it's brought up, simply respond with, "We've made our decision and that subject is closed. We are not having this conversation ever again. So, how about them (insert favorite sports team)?"

I am an atheist but if my mother cared that much about my kid being baptized, and she was crying and freaking out about it, I would probably let her baptize my kid. Can it really hurt? What do they do, draw a little cross on the kid's forehead with some water and say some words? (Sorry religious people if I'm minimizing the ritual, but that's what it looks like to me.)

If there's a cost, let her pay for it.

After reading Gidget's answer, I wonder if a priest could help your mother let go of this. Initial response is to be expected but her continuing to plead and cry is not. I wonder, because priests are concerned about parisheners, perhaps you could approach him from that point.

The short answer is, this is your (and your husband's) decision, not hers.

This could have just as easily been a question about breastfeeding or preschool or sports or any number of other parenting topics. Grandparents aren't always going to agree with the decisions their children make, but they need to learn to back off and support their children raising their own kids.

The long answer is, the Catholic Church does in fact teach that anyone can go to Heaven. There is absolutely no teaching that states that unbaptized individuals will not go to heaven.

The Catholic Church also teaches that just about everyone goes to Purgatory. Purgatory is a period of purification before entering Heaven. Unless you mother is without sin, the Church says she will be going to Purgatory.

This is from the Catechism of the Catholic Church:
"All who die in God’s grace and friendship, but still imperfectly purified, are indeed assured of their eternal salvation; but after death they undergo purification, so as to achieve the holiness necessary to enter the joy of heaven." (CCC 1030)

It is not for us (the Church, any church, humans in general) to decide who is or is not "in God's grace and friendship." That is for God alone to decide.

If it really bothers her, tell her to pray and ask God to change your mind (not that that's what you want, but if she really believes, doesn't she also believe in the power of prayer?)

We told our parents that it was our decision and if they pressured us in raising the kids as Christians, they wouldn't see their grandkids.

My mom started in on me the DAY I had my second kid. I told her to lay off or never see them. She got mad, so I didn't talk to her for a week. She missed her grandsons first week of life. I was thankful I was so hormonal. It let me really stand my ground.

They are your kids. It's sad that sometimes you have to push meanly against parental love, but it just is what it is.

Now, I'm not saying to do this, but if I was you, I'd just say, "we will let the kids decide for themselves when they are older. Until then, I'd prefer if you didn't bring it up to them or us." Just say, "im sorry you don't like our decision, but these are our kids, and this is how we have decided to raise them. I hope you can come to respect our decision."

I doubt that it will ever really stop, because your mother truly believes so strongly.
I think all you can do is change the subject when she brings it up, and if she is persistent, say very firmly, mom I love you and I respect your opinion but I am NOT going to discuss this anymore, so unless you want to talk about something else I need to hang up/go home now.

My sister's husband was divorced when they married and he went to the trouble of getting his first marriage annulled (it was super short) so he and my sister could get married later in the Catholic church for my father's sake. First they had a civil service and then a priest married them. And getting married in the church doesn't even involve a deep seeded belief of a soul going to purgatory. If it meant this much to my parents or mother after all they've done for me, I would get my child baptized. Honestly I think it's somewhat cruel of you. I can see not sending your child to Catholic school or attending church every week or things that really cut into your lifestyle. But a baptism is not all that time consuming. It will bring her peace. Unless she was a bad mother, I'm not sure how you can begrudge her that. I have so much respect for my BIL going to the trouble he did to give my dad peace. My BIL isn't even Catholic! Someone who is religious is not necessarily trying to be controlling. It's a true belief they have and they feel the need to protect their family from repercussions of not abiding by the faith's teachings. Unless your mother does this with everything and is constantly butting in and controlling things, she is worried about her grandchild's soul. Geez - how horrible of her... And I say this as someone who is not particularly religious. Oh - I have several friends who baptized their kids mainly for the grandparents' peace of mind.

I'm agnostic, and just got tired of hearing it from my mom. I send the kids with her to church on Sundays and all is well. As an agnostic, I just don't care- end of story. But it it means that much to her, then I just let her have it. Sometimes you just have to pick your battles.

So painful, I know. But it HAS to be your decision. Does your mother really want you to violate the tenets of her religion by getting up there and LYING about what you believe and how you promise to raise the children?? Does she accept that you have already broken with "family tradition" by not going to mass on a regular basis? Does your MIL see that she goes to church a few times a year, probably doesn't go to confession either, yet she wants you to adhere to a standard she herself cannot uphold?

You can debate it and say you can't get on board with a religion that sends your child to hell (or purgatory or limbo) based on what YOU did or didn't do. And tell them both that you will leave the room, with your children, if it comes up again. Tell them that they are forbidden from imposing their religious beliefs on this matter on your children, and what you will do if it comes up. If this issue has been going on for years as you say, then at least one of your children is old enough to absorb that they are somehow less than complete, or destined for a fearful fate, because you didn't baptize them. Tell the grown-ups they are free to go to mass daily to pray for you and your family, but that you are free to not hear about it. Also ask them to get counseling with their own priests who surely have faced this issue before. Good priests aren't going to recommend the break-up of a family over an issue or religious doctrine. In fact, Pope Francis seems to be urging Catholics to get away from preaching and get back to serving the poor and the downtrodden, feeding the hungry, and loving other human beings.

I think all you can control is your own behavior - which is to remove yourselves and your children from this endless criticism. Your mother may cry, but you don't have to watch it.

Tell them that if they're going to be unpleasant and disrespectful of the choices you've made for your children, unfortunately you'll have to stop allowing them to spend time around your children.

OR, even though you think it's a bunch of hocus-pocus, let them take your kids to church. My parents did that when I was a kid - they told my grandparents that they could take me to Saturday evening mass and that I could stay over at my grandparents' house afterward. Which, as you might notice, provided my parents with a date night every week while my grandparents felt that they were saving my immortal soul. And all that had to happen was that I sat through an interminably long and boring mass every week my entire childhood (I'm not bitter, I promise). Ugh. But, you know, if you really wanted to, you could take that route. I guess there are worse things than your kids having magical water pointlessly sprinkled on their heads, and it would shut the grandparents up.

Had the same conversations with my mom and my mil. After the second time I just took to shutting it down the minute they started to talk about it. Really why let her get worked up over it to the point of tears when you aren't going to entertain the idea? When they start cut them off with 'I respect your feelings on this but you need to respect mine and stop bringing this up. I'd hate to cut short our visits because this keeps coming up over and over again.' If it continues then leave or if you are at home pack up the kids and go out for a walk. Once they figure out that you aren't going to stick around for the conversation it should decrease or stop.

Why not just let her baptize your child? Doesn't have to mean anything to have some water splashed on the baby's head.

I come from a very catholic family (my brother is even in the Knight's of Columbus). I had enough and am a proud Atheist. If my mother (or even MIL) were harping on it, I'd say "here's the kid one Saturday/Sunday - if you want to arrange it, have fun getting him baptized" No big hooplah, no party, nothing - but grandma's peace of mind. I can guarantee you it means nothing to the small child, it doesn't have to mean anything to you, but can mean so much to the grandparents.

I've got the opposite problem when it comes to my nieces and my mom. My brother and I were not raised in church and yet we take them to church regularly (a more liberal one). Because my brother married a Muslim woman (she has died) my nieces also celebrate and observe many Muslim holidays and customs.

My mom could NOT be quiet about it. She could not understand how my brother could raise her granddaughters this way because she certainly did not teacher him to follow two religions. To her way of thinking, it was just so wrong. She went as far as telling my nieces that they were going to go to hell if they kept living the way they were. All this from a woman who refuses to go to church in the first place.

My brother wants his daughter to know their religious culture, and it was his decision to go to church. I support him in that. We finally told mom that if she didn't stop acting the way she did, she would lose access to the kids. She didn't stop, so no access to the kids. She is finally coming around because she misses them, and has agreed to abide by our rules so she is starting to see the kids again.

I know this may sound extreme, but we really needed her to respect our rules and boundaries. Fortunately, it seems to have worked for us, so maybe it would work for you.

Good luck.

Is your mom like this about other things too? Usually if they are outspoken they tend to be about everything - so sometimes it's just about standing up and not allowing them to voice their opinions. You can listen (sounds like you have) but really, her opinions do not trump yours here. If she can't respect, it's a bit of bigger issue.

I see it as a boundary that's been crossed and you and your husband should join together and let them know how much this is bothering you, that's it not up for discussion, that you value their feelings, but this is ultimately your choice. Based on your beliefs.

I like Suz T's comment "i've found that if you close the door firmly enough, people tend not to barge through it. "

Good luck :)

I'd find scripture to back up why infants don't need to be baptized, and Baptism is for ones that can confess their sins and accept the Lord. Maybe that would help??

http://www.gospelway.com/salvation/infant_baptism.php

I don't respond well to emotional blackmail.
Every time the crying starts up either ignore it or hang up.
I'd be telling them "Yep, we're all going to Hell in a hand basket! Accept it. Pray if it makes you feel any better but do NOT be talking to us about this again or it'll be a long time before I accept calls from you.".

You need to just tell them both that the subject is closed, end of discussion, and if they can not let it go you will start to limit contact in order to not have to hear about it any more. My own mother accepted the fact that I was not Christian until I had my kids, and then I guess she thought that for some reason I would still raise them with Christian traditions and teachings, I had to make it very clear that that was not going to happen and we were not going to discuss it.

If, after being firm with them, they continue to bring it up, just walk away every time the conversation starts.

"I understand where you stand, but our decision has been made and we will not discuss it with you again."

If they bring it up again, repeat:"This is not up for discussion." if they continue, "Stop, or we're done talking for today." if that still doesn't work, say goodbye and politely hang up the phone, or stand up and leave.

I know you dont want to hear it! But I think its time for you to remind yourself of some things you learned in those spiritual activities when you were growing up. Why dont you pray about it and see for yourself what god really wants you to do. There's a reason for everything in this world!!

My mom had my sister and I baptized Catholic for my Dad although she was a self-described "heathen non-believer". I asked her why and she said (very cavalier) "Couldn't hurt."

Now I feel the same way about the differing faiths in my family. I would definitely allow my children to participate and be a part of faith-based ceremonies on the reservation (I am half Native American), even though I don't hold any real 'belief' in the faith. Then they participate in Baptist teachings through my in-laws. I always felt my job was to teach them history and cultural significance, rather than "instill" faith (which feels a little heavy-handed to me, JMO).

Exactly what Fuzzy said. And I am quoting it here in case anyone doesn't read all the way to the end.

'Your kids, your religion (or lack thereof), your decision. Period. End of sentence.
Next time it's brought up, simply respond with, "We've made our decision and that subject is closed. We are not having this conversation ever again. So, how about them (insert favorite sports team)?"'

Just thinking about how one wraps their mind around, and accepts a religion/God that would damn an innocent child over not being dipped in some Holy water when he/she was unable to comprehend what was going on.

I'm sorry. I know how it is. My mom wants me to go to the same denomination that I did when I was a child. One summer when I came back to visit her, she harped on me so much that I finally lost my temper and told her that if the Presbyterians weren't good enough for her (which is my choice now and where I go) that I just wouldn't go at all and that it would be her fault that I stopped going to church. THAT'S what it took to get her to stop. Ugh.

The only thing I can think of that will stop this for you, since it has been going on for years, is to send your children to them for several weeks in the summer, with plenty of notice that they will have them. Maybe she will decide to get your kids baptized "on the sly" and then you won't hear anymore about it from then on. I know you don't like that idea, but it might be better than "caving" to them on the baptism. Because if you cave on THAT, then they will start on you for CDC classes...

Not saying this is what you should do, but I know SO MANY people who do the baptism thing and have no religious conviction whatsoever. My one friend isn't even Catholic but her husband's family threw some huge baptism thingie and she went along with it gladly.

There's no harm in being baptized. You don't believe in it, but it won't hurt the child. I grew up Lutheran and I think I was baptized....went through confirmation later...I don't have a religious bone in my body but those were nice little ceremonies (that I can't remember) and I have good memories of Sunday school and whatnot even though my kids don't go.

Would I let my kids be baptized to appease an extremely anxiety-ridden parent....probably. Why not. But there are many other things I wouldn't do so I get what you mean if this strikes a boundary for you. You don't want to be hypocritical and you don't want to be forced into it.

So...if you can't go with 1) Just get he baby baptized and problem solved! Then go with 2):

"Mom. It's not your decision. Stop the dramatics. We're not doing it. If you can't let it go I'll have to stay away from you until you recover because you're driving me insane."

But phrase it more nicely. My mom has converted to super duper fundamentalist Christianity, and she disagrees with practically everything I do as a normal, secular citizen. Tough cookies. I just tell her where it's at and let her suffer on her own. I limit contact when necessary.

First, I support you in your decision. Have you told the grandparents that if and when the children decide for themselves, they will be baptized? That would be logical, if they are able to accept. Then your problem would be to protect the children from the grandparents' pressure before that time. Perhaps you could set an arbitrary age at which the children will be allowed to make that decision (12, 16, 18, 21?) and insist that that subject is off limits until then.

Oh wow, this is a tough one. I am practicing Catholic as well. Born and raised. My DB decided to step away from the Catholic church about 11 years ago and my mom was devastated. I had to simply explain to her that it was his decision, not hers. She cried and was constantly hounding him to go back and that God will forgive him blah blah blah. I had to explain to my mom a bazillion times that my brother has the right to chose which religion he wants to practice, it is not her choice anymore. I think you just need to reassure your family that you are doing the right thing and this is what you and your DH are choosing. I would keep letting her know it will all be fine in the end. Good luck!

I personally believe that baptism should be up to the child, not the parents or grandparents. I would simply tell your mother that you will leave it up to the children to decide when they are older. You can teach your children your own beliefs but also be sure to let your children be exposed to your parents beliefs and other religious beliefs as well, so they can make an informed decision when the time comes.

You can ask nicely. But mostly you probably just need to accept that you will have to deflect this issue every time you see them. No eye rolling. Just say, "Mom, we've discussed this. The answer is no." and then move on.

They love you and your kids. They want what they think is paramount of importance for them. That your views differ doesn't change their level of concern. So acknowledge that that is what it is, concern and love, and then politely decline and change the subject.

We are Lutheran, and my parents are Baptists. We have very different views about why we go to church, and they are offended that we do not go with them to their church when we visit them. We get up and go to a Lutheran church nearby instead. Every visit (EVERY. VISIT) they ask us, "so, are y'all going to go to church with US?" They know the answer. They don't fully comprehend why, b/c they don't view the sacraments the same as we do. But the answer is always the same, and then we go on about the rest of our visit.

The funny thing is that my siblings, who basically don't go to church at all, they don't seem to be overly concerned about that.

Whatever.

Just be nice, address it each time, and move on. They just love you.

Oh this is tough. I feel like if you were to let them baptize your baby, you would be setting a precedent and they will badger you about EVERYTHING! I am Catholic and we did hear a sermon that babies do not go to purgatory- looks like someone maybe gave you an article about that.

So I am Catholic, as are my parents. My siblings sort of 'fell off.' Brother just doesn't really go but made no declaration. My sisters married an atheist and an agnostic and took those on. It did upset my mom a lot. But she complains more to me about it than them.

I will say that I had also heard a sermon about how any of us can 'baptize' or pray for the soul of anyone else. Not an official baptism, I can't remember the specifics. But when I went to visit my nieces and nephews when they were born, I did pray over them and do this, just so I felt better!

So I'm wondering if you could tell you mom and MIL that they are welcome to pray for/over your baby however they wish (not taking them to church for a service, just praying). But be clear that you understand how they feel, but the subject is closed. It sounds like they just want to make sure you know how they feel (how could you not with all the crying!!). So do say that you hear them and their feelings. Your baby, your choice of religion or not. But underneath it all, they just love you all.

Your decision. She needs to stop.

But here's a link I found - do a search on the word "babies" and it'll take you to a paragraph that helps clarify the reason for the baby purgatory freak-out. It's a misunderstanding - a common one.

http://www.saintpetercatholic.com/qa_purgatory.html

Are you against them ever being baptized or rather prefer to wait and let them decide for themselves? Do you ever or would you ever allow the grandkids to attend services with the grandparents?

1. I would tell them that these are your children and you and hubby have to do what you feel is right for your immediate family even if that breaks with past tradition and creates new ones.
2. When you baptize a child you are committing to raising them in the church so if you plan to not do that, baptizing them would be knowingly lying to God and the church and breaking a commitment (that you know full well you would not keep). Is that what they want.
3. If you would allow your child to attend a church occasionally and then decide for themselves, you should tell the grandmas that.
4. Close the discussion once and for all.

umm stop going to the family meetings..knowing someone will pressure you about it.you dont pressure the rest of the extended family to raise their kids the way you are raising yours, do you ?? ok, then..they should be returning the favor, if not..its their problem, not yours.the problem with giving into" the pressure, dire warnings and cry fest", is that it simply doesnt stop until the person giving you the dire warnings etc etc.. gets everything they want out of the deal..you give them one thing they want, they are gonna believe they can get the next thing of their wish list..just stop showing up for family meetings, and the next time you get the pressure and cry routine..leave..and dont return their phone calls for a week, the next time you get the pressure and cry fest, dont return their calls for two weeks..and just keep adding a week of no contact until they finally get the clue. K. h.

Tell them you don't want to have them baptized and that's that.

These people fear your children will burn in hell if something happens to them. They fear for their souls. I only know that Catholics believe infants must be sprinkled at birth or else. I don't know anything about them being baptized in water I guess.

I'd say tell them you don't believe and that if they keep bringing it up you are going to stop coming over.

I'd let the kids decide if they wanted to do this at this point. They have exposure to it through the family. They might even feel different and left out.

Oh I've dealt with this exactly. The sobbing guilt trip from my mother about where she's failed, and how my children are going to be "slinging crack rock" on a street corner because I'm not raising them with religion.

It couldn't get more insulting.

Our compromise - because I don't care if they learn, they just won't get it from me - is that THEY can take them to church and have them baptized all they want. But we won't be there and won't be part of it.

This is about respecting boundaries.

All you can do is refuse to discuss it and be firm about it. If they start in, leave or hang up - wherever you are. They need to understand that this is not a topic that's up for discussion.

I wish I had an answer for you...but I can empathize on some level....My mom is extremely religious. and we are less...Our son made thru first communion but feel confirmation is up to him...

She doesn't get it....and never will

I would tell them that every time they bring it up, you will leave. I do not believe in god and do not plan to baptise my kids either. FYI, you could hire a preacher to baptise them on the beach and let him know that you are not religious. I am sure for money he can make up some non religious thing to say.

You have gotten a lot of good answers, but I justed wanted to comment on the idea of telling your mother(s) that you will let your kids choose: if they are so pushy with you, is it possible they would then become pushy with your kids to convince them to get baptized? I personally wouldn't say it was up to the kids because I wouldn't want anyone to try to manipulate my kids into doing something I don't want done.

I'm not religious and my husband isn't either. I am not going to raise my son to be religious either, which I'm sure will be a problem to some family members once they realize this. For me, I'm pretty upfront with how I feel about things, so if I were in your situation, I would say one last time, "I've told you the answer is no, and we are not discussing this anymore. In the future we will leave if you bring this up. Let's change the subject." And then every time it's brought up, LEAVE. No one has the right to force their beliefs on your and your children.