Dealing with Racism for the First Time

I'm dying to know what they called her! I've always wondered how black people can properly retaliate for what many white people always call them. Tell the little girl that calling names and being mean to people of any color by people of any color or for any other reason is not OK. Tell her they are being mean, and she should not try to play with them. Tell her many black and white people are mean to each other and she should avoid people of all colors like that. If she starts asking if black people are mean, reiterate that many black AND white people are mean.

I feel for that little girl. No one should have to deal with that type of hatred, especially in a child so young.

My only suggestion is to keep it simple by telling her that, even though it isn't right, some people don't like other people because they look or act differently. At age five, she doesn't need to know what it is called or even the details about what it is. Just keep it plain and simple. I would also suggest you talk to her parents, in case the little girl hasn't. They need to know what is going on with their daughter.

Great question, and hurray for wanting to help her. I think you'll get a lot of responses. I have a white daughter and a bi racial daughter and imagine it'll happen to both them someday too.

I would keep it simple and truthful. Tell her they were saying they didn't want to play with her because she wasn't the same as them. Many children look different, some are skinny, some are chubby, some wear glasses, some have a handicap. (etc) Tell her its ok to notice childrens differences but thats what makes them special and unique. These little girls missed out on a great chance to meet a new and wonderful friend. Let her know its ok to play with children that are different than her, and when you judge someone it hurts and hope she always gives everyone a chance to be her friend.

Tell her maybe someday those little girls might change their minds and want to play,. and if they do you be nice and forgive them for judging her.

Good luck to both of you.

I know for my kids I always sing the Sunday school song "Red and yellow black or white, they are precious in His sight, Jesus loves the little children of the world." Let her know that unfortunately not everyone understands this. And that it's their loss not to have her as a friend. If she were my child I think I would try to see if I could find out who the children were and have a talk with the parents. Maybe the parents aren't like that and they're learning it from somewhere else. Unfortunately, most times the children are acting how they see their parents act. Just reinforce that it's not ok to act like that and have her avoid those children. The fact that they pushed her though needs to be addressed. Those girls doing that at this age can only lead to worse things down the road.

It really broke my heart to read your post. In this day and age it's disgusting that we're still dealing with racism. It makes me sick.

I am not even going to get into what I think that you should say to her because it is not really your place. It is nice of you to be concerned but this is a discussion her parents or guardians should be having with her. Please tell them about this immediately if you haven't already. Forget racism.... This was a DANGEROUS!!!! situation for a 5 year old to be in and whoever was supposed to be watching her was obviously not. If it were me I would probably not even permit my child back at this park-unless I was there BY HER SIDE the whole time. I would have my cell at the ready on speed dial to 911. I am sorry but this is unfortunately the type of incident that easily escalates and makes the papers and unfortunatley the presence of other adults may not help.

Dear M.,
How disappointed I am to hear this story. It strickens me greatly. Indeed how do you help a 5-year old to understand that there are cruel and prejudiced people in the world?
I suppose if it was me, I would have taken her by the hand to speak with these little girls; not to confront or judge, but just to find out why they acted this way. I can't be sure, but I am almost certain, that this was a direct result of what they may be learning at home. I might even try to speak to the parents of these girls.
As an African American woman and mother I have lived with many prejudices throughout my life, but as a nurse, I have been able to break down many of those prejudged/racial barriers.
Thankfully, I have raised my children in a very diverse town, and they experienced friendships with children of many different ethnic and cultural groups. Although I have instilled in them the pride of their African American heritage, I have always taught them that God created us all in his image, and he does not look at color, race, or ethnicity. He looks at our hearts and how we treat one another.
Still, that did not limit the prejudices my children often faced in school and as they grew into young adulthood. At times this has caused them to be bitter and prejudice in their own right.
What is important is that we try to teach our children to love and respect all people, and that we do that teaching by our own words and examples.

That is so sad! I firmly believe that it is the parents who pass on these ridiculous mindsets to their kids, and until people STOP, it will never end.
We had a recent vacation where my son (white) was the minority by far--the pool was like a kids UN meeting! LOL Guess what? My son never said a word or asked a question. Children truly are colorblind until they learn otherwise.
I agree with Dianna's advice and would add to discuss with her how boring the world would be if everyone was the same. Also, you can tell her that some people can appear to be mean, but really it's because they have not been taught to appreciate the differences in people. Good luck to you and your little buddy!

Things like these are part of our lifes. Unfortunately, some children have to deal with it at a very early age. I will tell her mother about the incident. The girl's mother should be a part of the solution or explanation. I personally come from another country and felt rejected by many black people in the city of Philadelphia. However, kids are different and as such the explanations ought to be simple. There are good things in people and bad things in others. It is important to highlight that children learn those things usually from adults. I am one of those that think that you will find you place with the people that have things in common with you regardless color, race or anything else. That is, those who like you are the ones who count in you life...the rest, it is just history. Children are very sensitive to rejection and as adults, we should encourage them to let it go and enjoy the good friends and be careful to those who are not nice and just walk away from them. Life is to good to waist it in the worthless people.

Hi M.,

First of all, talk to the little "white" girl's mother.

I would get her support and go to the families of the little black girls.

Ask everyone, children too, to participate in a restorative circle.

In the circle: Ask the little "w" girl these questions:

What did you think when you realized what had happened?

What impact has this incident had on you and others?

What has been the hardest thing for you?

What do you think needs to happen to make things right?

Then ask each "B" girl these questions. Ask which girl would like to go first.

What happened?

What were you thinking of at the time?

What have you thought about since?

Who has been affected wy what you have done? In what way?

What do you think you need to do to make things right?

From the IIRP philosophy www.iirp.org

Hope this helps. Good luck. D.

Hi M.,
I always looked at these things as a perfect opportunity to educate my kids and those around us.I have my 1st daughter who is white and 2 sons and a daughter that are from my 2nd husband who is black.I also work with child burnsurvivors most whom are black.These kids taught me alot on how it feels to be different and how it is human nature to stare at anyone who looks different.To either be feared or be treated as though they were outcast is a daily thing.They taught me that if you carry yourself with pride and believe you do belong sometimes those who feared or disliked them would after they got to know them ended up to be their friend.
my husband and I would 1st get all the facts and explain what was said and then share with them how the other girls have not yet learned how to get along with others very well.Hopfuly in time maybe they will will learn.But sometimes not. We do know not go around pushing /putting others down.Someday it will be their turn and they will want to be excepted and I hope they learn how harmful mean words can be.
Today it is also very important for us to take notice of our kids before things turn bad to worse.If the adults in her life can get together to turn things around by educating our kids of healthy ways to cope with our problems are schools and play grounds will be safer.and more kids would learn how to get along.

First, you should tell the mom or any other adults who have the obligation to protect this child. It sounds like she was threatened and might need a bit more supervision at the park.
Now to the ugly truth of the issue. I would tell her that some people have uglyness inside them. This uglyness makes them do and say nasty things. I would alos explain that this nastyness can be inside people of any skin color. Finally, I would explain that people with this uglyness inside them usually never change and that in the future, she should aviod these kids and any of their friends. You are being a good neighbor. Keep a close watch on this child.

Wow Amy J - "properly retaliate?!"

M.,
How kind to be the mom who listened. ' little friend ' feels all better thanks to you .
mommy ; sadly their is no way to descride / understand rasism in our little ones . they are little children that simply want a friend to play with ... and that is 'it'
little girl was shattered . she was 'rejected' . she was bullied.
I realy do not think 'skin ' had anything to do w/ this situation ... simply ' bad parenting ' create'n bullies,malice , a ' gang' of bad girls ...
perhaps home life is beyond your comprehenstion , hence, if a 5 year old can speak w/ malice , be deliberate , rude, crude ... her family is the ' same'
so; the little girls did 5 year neighbor a favor .... you really do not want them as a friend at this time .
now ;
to explain to the 5 yr.good child... keep it simple .
very very very simple .
children from good homes and good parenting skills see ' no color' ... people are ' colorless' . It is so sad for our society to even have to post this question .
We as adults, must create positive , loveing , good , happy children .....it is our job as a neighbor, a father a sibling ... we are just to do this ...
yes; Racism will always be a part of growing up and growing old .
however , we do not have to be a part of this behavior . and or attack back [ no matter if you are polish , jewish ,handicap, hispanic, Islamic, white, black etc ...]
simply explain to nieghbor ... some people are not nice to other people . that is it ... you do not want her to fear other peoples ... ever ...
use diversion . explain to neighbor some children will 'pick' on other 'peoples' because they wear glasses, are tall,or they are short etc... try to make this ' not an issue' just a bad experiance ...
God bless you for wanting to help .
and of course . Christians accept all of Gods flock ...
and maybe the bad girls missed sunday school .
age 5 is tooooo young to go into details .
plain old life will teach that .
we all get punched in the gut growing up !
kindly,
a mom of biracial children
with a ton of bad experiances .
again ; teach the children well ... even the bad girls .they may learn to be friends with help .

Luckliy< i never had to deal with that issue either. I would tell her in her terms that when someone is prejudice is because someone is different and that person is scared because they are different then they are. let her know she did not do anything wrong. obviously,those two little girls have prejudice parents. I say that because they learn these things at home. By the way what have her parents said about it? have you talked to them about the situation? I would go online and see if they have any books that address this issue for some one of that young age. good luck, you sound like a very caring neighbor.

My suggestion is to shy away from the actual topic of racism and focus on the fact that "in general" many people judge each other.
She could have been upset because they made fun of her clothes, her hair cut, or because she has green eyes.

I would suggest having a broad conversation with her that just touches onthe issues of judging one another and why we shouldn't dothat. This is one of those topics that we're eventually going to have to teach our children - life isn't fair and life isn't easy. Not everyone will live by the high standards that we as parents want our kids to live by.

Also, where is her mother/father? I would make sure they are aware. If the pushing/bullying happens again, then more parents need to get involved. Otherwise it is a sad lesson that we all need to learn.