Dealing with My Husband

What good for the goose is good for the gander! Do it to him and see how he likes it!

When my husband goes out, I do not lose a wink of sleep. I know he will pay dearly the next day when he has to get up for work. He deserves a night with the men, doing what men do. I go out also with the girls. He did not like that at first, but what is he going to say? Good Luck!

My husband did that for a while, too. He still does sometimes, in fact. I talked with him and he didn't really see that it was a problem. So I tried the "turnabout is fair play" method. I told him that I was going out with a few friends and I'd be home in a few hours. (That was his standard line, and I wanted him to know what it felt like to get that line.) I stayed out with my friend all night and rolled in about 5 am, one hour before our son woke up. Then I went to bed. When our son woke up, I complained that I was too tired to take care of him, and could my husband please just do it? I'd had a long night. (Also his line.)

Later, when I was up for the day and my husband was complaining about my "laziness" and "lack of planning", I smiled sweetly and asked him why he thought I was upset when he did the same. The look on his face was priceless.

Honestly, he just didn't get it and thought I was nagging or trying to steal all his fun from him. He just didn't see how his actions impacted the family... until I did the same thing to him. Every now and again, when he forgets, I do it again.

From your post, I'm not sure how often this is happening.

In our house, my hubby has guy night occasionally -- wing night every 2nd or 3rd Thursday with his buds. He doesn't drink alcohol to the extent where I worry about him getting home safely, etc. He STARTS work at 5 a.m. and there are times where he gets only 3 or 4 hours of sleep. But that's HIS problem! lol I do not stay up waiting, worrying and wondering. He's a big boy and can do as he pleases. I trust him completely.

I think once a child enters the mix, women find it hard to swallow the bitter pill that they are TIED to the children, do not, perhaps have the amount of flexibility to "up and leave" so to speak. The man assumes they will be home, caring for the kids, safe and sound, etc. You need your nights out as well (Maybe not til 4 in the a.m.!) I think women are wired differently and if I would add up all my time in a week long period that I engage with, talk to, email, etc my girlfriends it probably roughly equals O. wing night of 4-5 hours that my hubby does. See what I'm saying? I mean I'm not keeping score, but guys generally don't do the daily chit-chat, email, etc with their friends like we do....

I think you need to figure out WHY this bothers you. Do you trust him? Do you suspect he can't say "no" to "O. more" drink and this may become an alcohol issue? Do you feel that you are restricted to the house? Are you worried about DUI? Identify WHY this bothers you specifically and tell him. For example, if you worry about him drinking and driving, talk to him about doing a DD thing. If you feel ignored, plan some family/couple stuff for a night when he's NOT too tired.

I'm pretty independent, so the "he'll go to bed as soon as our son is in bed" thing would not really bother me at all. So what? O. night he goes to bed early? That would not affect me in the least. I'd just be doing my own thing.

How you deal with/react to this now is going to have huge impact on your marriage. Is he a responsible, good husband and father?

My hubby is an awesome husband and father, a great provider, and he works his BUTT off 60 hours per week so I think he more than deserves to go blow off some steam every week or every 2 weeks. As I said, I trust him and I never worry about where he is or what he's doing.

Good luck!

It's not good. He should not be doing that. Coming home at 4am is totally unacceptable. Does he hang around with unmarried buddies, he must be?
THis has never happened to me so I don't really know what I would do, I'm thinking tho.........
I know you are worried while he's gone and then when you hear the car pull up the worry turns to anger with a side dish of relief. Talking to him then probably falls on deaf ears because he's been drinking and is tired. You say there is a semi monthly pattern? Maybe you should hook up with the wives or g/f's of the guys he's saying he's hanging out with and see what they have to say.
If he's legitimately playing with his friends and you dont mind him doing this a couple of times a month let it go. If you are really feeling like it's a deal breaker for your marriage you need to let him know that too. Put the ball in his court with an ultimatum that you can live with and follow through.
Let him know how much he would be paying in child support if you decided to leave. Tell him you want a husband not a teenage son that sneaks out at night and comes home stinky. Ground his @ss!

ok
1. I feel that everyone has the right to time to be them otherwise they will loose themselves. That being said respecting your spouse in the process is VERY important. Calling, Texting, something with updates.
2. Men get very jelous of the freedom thery once had, and the attention the children take from use. I find it important for my hubby to get out of the house and do guy stuff.

I had a friend that was going through a tough time so every other week we went out to keep her mind off of things and yes we both have kids and I could not tell you how the time passed by with out me knowing it and we closed the bar many times, my husband trusts me so he knows I am not out with other guys.

Trust is important and if this makes you not trust him you need a compramise so this does not break trust

If he is not getting it I agree let him know what it feels like. Men can be the biggest hipocrits.

I am sorry you are having this issue I hope this helps.

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Totally unacceptable behavior! I hate to say this but are you SURE he is out with the boys? IF I were you I would call ALL of his friends the next time this happens. At 3 am wake them ALL up-wake their wives up too, who cares. You are "concerned" about him you will tell them. You can be sure the next day that they will all call him to complain. Tell him you will do this EVERY time he comes in this late b/c well-you cannot be sure that he isn't lying on the side of the road. Maybe it may stop b/c he fears how mad his friends are going to get.

And you need to find out if he is actually WITH the boys and not with another woman. You should check his cell phone/credit cards etc.

I am wondering how old he is? And how is he functioning at work like this? This is pathetic behavior for anyone except college kids really. Grown-ups don't do this. I really feel for you.

I think that when he is going out with his friends you should ask him to check in with you at midnight (11p, whenever) and let you know if he's going to be out later or come home. Tell him you're not trying to police him or stop him from hanging out with the guys, but that he needs to be courteous.

Then, if he tells you he's going to stay out late, GO TO BED! Don't worry about him.

I'd also be planning a really long night out with my girlfriends... what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Good luck!

I would have another conversation with him and acknowledge the fact that he needs his "guy time", but that you need your "couple time" too. If he wants to go out every-other-month with his buddies then on the "alternate month" you two have a regular "date night".

As long as the "date night" occurs, then let him have his "night out". My husband's best friend (since Kindergarten) comes to town for a visit e-o-month and he goes out with their "old gang". Sometimes he's home in an hour or two, sometimes it's late. Either way, he still makes sure that I get "my time" and "our time" .

Personally, on the nights that my husband goes out with his friends, I open a nice bottle of wine, give myself a decent mani/pedi and watch a girly movie without the eye-rolling.

Is there something else going on b/c this doesn't really seem like a huge issue>

M.:

You have two options.

1. You can join the league with him.
2. You can GO with him.

Either way - Get a babysitter.

If he doesn't want you to go - then something's going on. At that point you need to ask yourself - am I better off with or without him. If the answer is "with" then you need to make compromises in this situation. If it's without - then you need to boot him out the door and move on.

NEVER stay together for the kids.

You are NOT his mother but you NEED to tell him your expectations. Don't start the conversation out with "you did this to me" - that will put him on the defensive. You are partners in this marriage.

I can't say that going out with the girls and not coming home will help him at all - if he can't comprehend that you are upset - then it's a point that will not be made. Sometimes, the "tit for tat" works and shows someone "ooooh" you know - gives them that "light bulb moment."

You need to have a heart-to-heart with him. Fine - if you are going to crash at John's house - YOU CALL ME to let me know you are OKAY. I don't care if it's 2AM - you know I'm up worried about you anyway - so CALL ME.

If that doesn't work for you - you need to find out what will. I can tell you that my husband did it ONCE - I told him that he's married WITH KIDS you can go out and have fun - but I EXPECT you to have common courtesy to call me and let me know you are OKAY. If you can't do that - we can't be married because you don't respect me or our marriage enough to do that. Simple and to the point. I don't threaten things I will not carry out.

My husband and I have been married for 4 years and the first 3 years my husband spent EVERY weekend doing the exact same thing. He has since seen the error of his ways, and has changed, but it was a very difficult time. Having said that. I think it is good for the husband to have a night with the guys--periodically, on a weekend. I think if you sat down with your husband and let him know that you don't mind him going with the guys, sometimes, ON A WEEKEND!! and he should be home by a decent time, safely. and i definietly think giving him some of his own medicine is called for here!! that might nip it in the bud! good luck, i know how hard it is.

I don't understand why couples' counseling would be out. If this is a dealbreaker and you want to end the marriage, maybe your husband would be willing to go to counseling in order to save it. It doesn't seem like you are getting your point across to him and/or he is not listening. Counseling would help with communication. Have you ever read, "Can this Marriage Be Saved?" in Ladies Home Journal? It's a monthly article that shows how counseling couples work through their differences.

And I don't know what you feel is the real issue. Is it the time he comes home? Is it that he comes home drunk? Is it that he drives drunk? Is it you are lonely? Is he disrespectful in other ways? Are you jealous that he gets two night's off while you mind the fort? Jealous that he gets to spend hours with his friends having fun and you don't? Is it all that and more?

I agree with the other mom that said if he won't go, you should go by yourself. Because you cannot "make" your husband do anything. You cannot make him understand if he is unwilling to do so. It is unfortunate that he is not listening to you. Of course you are hurt by this. I would be too. He might feel he deserves this time with the boys and that you cannot tell him what to do. All you can do is change how you act/react to what he is doing.

When you do sit down to finally talk to him, which I think you should, you should wait until he is well-rested and sober. Maybe get a sitter to watch your son so you won't be distracted. I also recommend writing down all your angry feelings to get them out of your system. Also, it will help you organize your thoughts and help you get to the bottom of what is really bothering you. What you don't want is him to get up and walk away, tell him you want to have a conversation and that he will get his turn too. You might be doing things that bother him as well.

Communication is a two-way street. Keep in mind that he might have some things to say that you might not like either. I hope you can work it out. Good luck.

um.....that's hard...maybe tell him if he's not home by a certain time you're changing the locks and he can sleep in the yard until you wake up? put your foot down hun

something i would do if my husband was doing this, is set up for someone to watch my kids and follow him and make sure he is just getting a little carried away with the guys...and not with someone else.

plan a girls night out and give him same treatment...although because of his drinking habits i'd find alternate child care...let him see what it'll feel like if you leave him?? all alone and no kids or wife around

This would drive me crazy, BUT....I assume you are a fairly young couple. When my cousin married and had a baby within the first year, she was upset that her husband would still go out drinking with his friends on Saturday. It was like she had all the responsibility and he continued to be a kid. Well, a few years have passed. I think he still hangs out with his friends but he is a good dad and has been amazing through a serious family illness, giving his wife and her family lots of support. You have to look at the person as a whole. Is your relationship good otherwise? Why not go out with him sometimes...but also you and your husband might both need a little time away from each other with friends. I think your approach, telling him how you feel, is the right one. But you say it's only every couple of months. I'd try to cut him some slack for a while, just ask him to text so you don't worry.