Dealing with My 3 Year Old During the Divorce

I agree that she needs help learning how to deal with her pain and anger. My daughter went through a different trauma at that age and needed professional help to deal with all of the emotions. Sometimes we went together and sometimes separately.

You can also help. My parents went through a divorce when I was eight. They got along so well (faked it really well) so I didn't realize there was a problem. We also lived right behind my dad so we saw him all the time.

Divorce is very hard on the kids. They have to make their adjustments just like we do. My son was about 3 when we were going through divorce and I know he did well because he was able to communicate things very easily. I know she is feeling overwhelmed right now and you are feeling overwhelmed and stressed. Stress does not help in anyway for anybody. Ask your daughter if she would like to go to the park or get pizza or play candyland. Let her decide. If it brings her comfort then do it. Maybe you could get a sitter for the baby and have special time together. She is really confused right now and needs extra attention and love to make it through this time. Breathe and take a step back when she acts out. Encourage her to express herself. I know times are hard right now and I have been there!! Keep your head up and teach her that you are going to pull through and so will she. One of the best coping strategies that we used for our so was to set him up a bedroom at both places so he can feel loved wherever he is at.

Get Therapy for her.
Kids this age, DO NOT have fully-developed emotions.
They do not even have coping-skills.
They do not know how to express themselves, either.

When a friend of ours went through a Divorce, she got her kids (at about that age) Counseling. She said it was the BEST thing she did for them as a Mom and that it helped GREATLY. Because, there was only so much that she could do, as a lay-person.

Kids, going through divorce, often need more, than what we can do or even know about.
Get professional help for her, and you.

Wow, I can't even pretend that I can understand how you feel or what you're going through. I'm so sorry for your divorce and your stress. What I can tell you is that your 3 year old sounds a lot like my 3 year old in terms of whining and tantrums. Of course, it's probably different for your daughter because of what's going on - probably exacerbates it. Yay for you... Ugh! For us, no amount of treats or special outings made a difference. She was wonderful and great and loving and sweet as long as we were getting ice cream or at the zoo, etc, etc... As soon as it was over, she was awful.. Yes, awful - hard to say that about your sweet baby.

Anyway, get the Love and Logic on CD and listen to it in the car or during nap or whatever - you can check it out from the library. It's the 2 disc one on birth to 6 years and something about "magic" in the title. It's the quickest way to "read" the book and get some real pointers. I will admit, it sounds SO hokey at first and you think, "Yeah, right - saying "uh oh" and keeping my cool isn't even going to get through to this kid when spanking and timeouts do nothing!!" It works... Holy cow. I will look like a dorky, "Oh Darling sweetie pie honey love, don't kick him" mom until the cows come home if it stops the constant tantrums. Tell her that she's "taking Mom's energy" is like a miracle. She works SO hard to find ways to GIVE Mommy energy so I am able to play with her. It really is revolutionary - and how ridiculous is that? Being patient, logical and kind to our kids is revolutionary - kinda ridiculous! Ha! They are smarter than we give them credit for sometimes.

Good luck to you.

I am so sorry for what you are going through.
It's a tough time: for you and the kids.
How about some counseling?
That way you won't have to resort to spankings.
For you and her. It's a hard time to navigate and I totally understand.
You are not alone! I think sticking with the time outs/taking things away while explaining the "why" is still the best way (went through this myself).
Also, since you are stressed out can you take any time out for yourself?
Even once a week for a few hours or 30 mins a day might be more beneficial (like when they are in bed).
Do you have any family nearby that babysit for an hour or so?
Just to give you a much needed break (it will recharge your batteries)
Or if no family close by, do you belong to a gym w/a daycare that you could go to w/the kids for 30 mins a couple of times a week?
I would check out a book from the library regarding divorce and "dealing with/helping with the kids).
Again, I am sorry you are going through this. This stage will soon pass. It does! Just try a few different things, try to get a little time for yourself if at all possible or when he has the kids and I would definitely try to get a book from the library. Hang in there and do you best to release your stress when you can. I give you my best!!!

I highly recommend getting the book Parenting the Strong Willed Child. It helped us immensely. It's normal for 3 year olds to constantly test their boundaries. They are trying to assert their independence and they are learning where the boundaries are. The divorce situation is secondary to the need for consistency and clear boundaries. Don't over compensate by treating her differently because you are going through a divorce, that won';t do her any favors. Of course there will be times when you will need to give her more TLC than usual, but don't be slack on the discipline because you feel guilty.

http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Strong-Willed-Child-Rex-F...

You are doing things you want to do with her to make yourself feel better. Find out what she wants to do. That does not mean, honey do you want to paint your room, what book do you want me to read. It means stopping what you are doing and saying what do you want to do. Then wait until she comes up with something. Don't think for a minute she doesn't pick up on what do you want to do, taps foot......no that will take too long....nope I don't.....she is acting out because she doesn't feel like she matters. Doing things you think are nice isn't going to cut it.

Always remember she didn't ask for the divorce, she is the innocent bystander, you are not. I don't care if your ex is the worst person on earth, you are not the victim, you picked him. She is the victim, she was just born, she had no choice in that matter. It isn't easy to do but it is too easy to look at what you are going through and make the kids secondary.

My youngest was four when I filed, it took over two years for her to recover, for her to be the little girl she was before. Your kids have to come first, you second.

I know this is a difficult time for all of you, and you've received lots of good suggestions already. Use humor. When she is acting out for something minor that doesn't necessarily need correcting (consider that too much of this may be more negative than she can handle right now, not to avoid the important ones, so choose wisely), take on a "tickle monster" role. "Uh oh, we're getting grumpy, the tickle monster has to tickle you!" "The tickle monster is going to gobble up your neck!" You get the idea. Like you, she is stressed. Laughter may help, not to mention a little distraction.

I did the same as Christine W. My ex and I live within 5 miles of each other, we have joint custody. We do not fight about the kids. We have an understanding that we each know that neither one of us can live without the boys and the boys need both of us too. I do not attend his family's holidays (I am invited) but all school functions we provide a united front for the boys. We do not like each other but we put that aside for the sake of the kids. Your 3 year old is being normal. She just needs to see her Dad, she probably does not understand the separation part.