Seeking Advice on Diffusing Tantrums of My 18 Mo. Old Son

My 19 month old daughter is displaying all of those same behaviors. The lotion thing is especially annoying. She hardly even rubs it in before demanding more. We are doing the same as you are by trying to show that tantrums won't work. I wish you the best of luck. I am anxious to hear what other's have to say.

Ah yes, tantrums. They are so fun, aren't they?

What works for one doesn't always work for another. I usually use the Ignore technique, let the kid scream it out. As soon as they start screaming you say nothing else and basically let them scream it out. Leave the room if you can, (but keep an eye on them). I don't say anything during the tantrum because it's no use. I don't yell, scold or issue ultimatums. When they are done, then we talk.

The second technique I've used is Mimicry. You just do whatever they do. You have to have a sense of humor to pull this one off, but it works! Usually the kid ends up laughing.

So often we order our little ones around so much they just get tired of it. It's not always possible to consult their willingness without bribery, but if you can figure out what makes your child tick it's easier. For example, my stepdaughter responds if you turn it into a game. Or you say "bet you can't." We'll say stuff like "OK, let's see who can get their shoes on the fastest! The winner gets kissies!" She responds to that better than "put your shoes on!"

If you can try to consult their willingness more when you can, you'll probably have fewer tantrums for those times when you're in a hurry.

Good luck!

Here goes since you can't do this anymore without the world thinking you are a monster, but when we were in a restaurant and this started up I took my son into the bathroom and gave him a spanking.It was twenty four years ago. I think I only had to do that twice and he never did that again, although I mentioned it as a consequence and he didn't like that and quieted down. Of course spanking one's child is not politically correct,and the person with the perfectly special quiety child will report this to some society so you could do the old time out in the bathroom, or sit in the car, but that's about it. The only other solution is a babysitter or don't go out at all or lots of things to distract the child, like toys, which doesn't make it fun for you. Personally I like the babysitter situation as that's about the only one where you will enjoy yourself. Then you can try going back to a restaurant in a couple of months.

First of all *hugs* to you.. I know this is a VERY triing time, I too have a crazy 19 mos. old daughter that does the same thing. We too ignore the tantrums at home, and she does her thing & then is a sweet angel again. I guess she's venting in the only way she knows how. As for restaurants, I honestly think your doing the right thing by leaving the place when he is acting up. I do however have a suggestion for the restaurant. My hubby & I take along a portable dvd player w/learning dvd's to watch. We keep it very low & if all else fails, this occupies her. I also keep a stash of new, small toys in my bag that she only gets to play with when we're out. At this age, I don't personally believe in time outs, because to get our children to sit still for even 30 seconds can be a challenge! So.. stick with what your doing, ignore the tantrums, take time to yourself on the weekends & you WILL get through this! Good luck to you!

Oh Lynn...how I understand. My heart truly goes out to you. Believe me. It is extremely difficult. My daughter is pretty similar. As I understand from friends, this will go on for at least another year if not two. My daughter is on the threshold of being 2 years old and her tantrums started around 18 months. I don't have any real advice for you b/c I do the same when she has her "dramatic moments"...I will just ignore it, leave the room, and at times turn up the music really really loud to calm MY nerves.

It usually takes 10 to 15 minutes for her to be approachable again. This is where I'll hold her or get on her level and let her know 1. I love her; 2. I understand she is upset; and 3 is where I give the compromise. I have started communicating more with her & sticking (as closely as possible) to a consistent daily routine. For example, I will say, "Mommy will have to change your diaper soon. As soon as I have finished this "task" (you can list 2) then we will go to the bedroom and mommy will put a fresh diaper on. Is that ok?" And it's worked more than not. Although sometimes she really could care less. But it just means I suffer through the poopy smell. And for the most part, because I now live on her schedule and not mine, I am late to most things b/c I try to refrain from keeping a time focused schedule w/her. She doesn't understand that. But she does understand a routine & task oriented schedule.

I know it is so hard. I am a single working mom and co-parent w/her dad. So when she comes home from being with him I am happy because I have missed her tremendously (and the same is true for when I go to work & she's @ daycare) and I feel that I am not getting the "fun" baby anymore b/c of the tantrums. Last night was a doozy. But just know that you aren't alone AND if possible, take some very much needed me/partner time away from the baby on his bad days to help maintain your sanity. Good luck!

Thanks so much for posting the question! I really appreciated reading all the responses. I'm also a full time working mom and my daugther is just about to turn 17 months old. In the last week, she's thrown her fist tantrum, so I'm just getting a taste for what the future will be like.

Best wishes!

Just know that you are NOT alone in this. That is the age that it seems to start and he's just working on his independence at this point. MY son is now 27 months old, but he started this as well around 18 months. I ignored them for as long as I could and NEVER gave in. It was exhausting, but it will get better!!!! I also read the book "1,2,3 Magic". It's a discipline book. The book suggests that you atart this "program" at two years old. I started it a bit earlier, but he really caught onto it around two years of age. It is like magic... it's a counting system that leads to time out or loss of privledges, whatever you decide. I think it's a wonderful book and now by the time I get to three my son has stopped the behavior, the tantrum, etc. Worth reading... really!!! Good luck and remember that the reason you are getting the brunt of the tantrums is because he's MOST comfortable around you and your husband. That always made me feel better too :)

go to the library and rent The Happiest Toddler on the Block DVD and/or book. Your life will be ok again.

PLUS make sure he's getting enough sleep. If he's getting 12 hours at night he may still need 2 naps - the first one of an hour and the second two hours (or one three hour one). I have found the majority of toddler issues is really lack of sleep.

Hi Lynn,
Well you are on the right track as far as not giving in to the tantrums. The terrible 2's start at about 18-19 months & last until 3 1/2-4 years old (longer if you give in). As far as restaurants go, we would tell our kids that they would have to sit in the car, in their car seat, until they could behave. One of us would stay in the restuarant while the other took the little devil to the car. We would either sit in the car with them or stand outside next to the car. Then we would ask them if they could behave & go back in to finish their meal. We would keep this up until they could return & behave while they ate. Granted the meal may take an hour + to finish, but they at least knew that they were not going to get their way & leave the restaurant on their terms. Stay strong, I know how difficult & frustrating this stage can be (just wait until he is a teenager). Good luck & stay strong.

Sounds like you and hubby could use some parenting classes. Nothing to be ashamed of. None of us knew the answers to the situations until we found something that worked for us. It could be different for you. Parenting classes can be thru your park or school districts. Everyone needs help before these "little ones" push us to the looney bin. You're
lucky to have this option available to you in this day and age. The Kennith Young Center in Elk Grove Village is another option where individual attention is given privately by counselors. Good luck

Good for you for not giving in! If you don't demonstrate your authority now, you will have a nightmare on your hands for a much longer stretch of time. The 1-2-3 Magic suggestion is good; that method seems to work well for many. I also remember watching a Dr. Phil show a few years ago where he suggested responding to restaurant tantrums by having one parent sit in the car and not say a word with the child strapped in his car seat in the back, until he agrees to behave while eating. That might be worth a try.

Dear Lynn B,

I am the mother of three children, two sons ages thirty and twenty five, one daughter age seventeen and a seven month old granddaughter. I share this because I share your frustration.

My twenty five year old son gave me the blues with his tantrums. My husband and I left restaurants all the time because of his tantrums. People introduced themselves to me with sympathetic stories because of mmy son. To this day he still has tantrums, only he is viewed as shrewed. I believe if I had it to all over again, I should have become or appeared to be ambivilant to his whims. He learned how to become a master manipulator. Here's the bottom line, when he doesn't want his diaper changed agree with him allow him to realize the consequences, as a mammal he will attempt to take care of himself. He then will seek your assistance. You and your husband may need to refrain from restauranting with him until this has passed. This however does not mean you and your husband should not go out. The upside is that your child is very skilled nad can be a positive powerful force in our society. This is not the worst thing a parent can endure. Look at it his way, he's probably trying to discover his boundaries. Let him learn disrespect is non-negotiable.

Remember your job as a parent is to bring your child to good citizenship, not perfection. Keep yourself healthy.

Agape,
M. P.

Hi Lynn, I really do not agree with alot of the moms who think your child is learning to manipulate you with his behavior. My son was very much the same as yours at that age. The difference is I viewed it as his frustration at being so powerless over his life rather then that he was having a tantrum. He was not at all verbal yet and was very stubborn. He hated being diapered passionately and it was a struggle. But rather then punish him by not diapering him (which by the way is a form of child neglect!) I would start showing him the potty option. My child was extremely easy to potty train for that reason. So, your child is at an age where he is trying to exert his independence, but it is almost impossible for him. This is all a normal part of his development. That doesn't mean you coddle him but you can communicate with him as well as possible, let him know you understand his frustration, and help him develop independent behaviors whenever possible. AND yes it is okay to be firm when his behavior is really inappropriate.
I think leaving a restaurant when your toddler is acting up is pretty regular stuff. Why on earth would you expect a toddler to be able to be in restaurants? FInally, may I just say that my kid turned out terrific and we still have great communication. Good luck to you.

I completely agree with Tija, and I know exactly how you feel! My son (22 months) has always been the the kind of kid we could take anywhere, and he'd be an angel. We'd get strangers telling us how well-behaved he is. He was the kid that the other parents wished they had!

That ended about a month and a half ago, and we can't take him to restaurants, because he won't eat or sit and throws fits. He often runs from us in stores, won't sit in the cart, and screams at diaper changes and when his teeth are brushed. He was so terrible at a weekend visit to see family they almost asked that we not bring him back! (Not really, but the thought probably crossed their minds!) But we realized he only acts like this now when he's getting teeth. The canines have been worse than the molars. And goodness I hope those teeth come in soon! His teeth have always taken forever, so it's agony for all three of us!

Just keep doing what you're doing. Stick to your guns and don't give in to the tantrums. It IS difficult to do at a restaurant - I also feel that taking him out just supports the behavior, because he needs to learn to sit in his chair and eat, and taking him out just gives him what he wants. But I hate to disturb everyone else, so we take turns taking him out, but when we do, we don't let him down (because he wants to run around). We hold onto him and let him throw his fit, and it gives the message that he's not going to get what he wants, no matter what. It's exhausting, sure, but I'd rather do that than give in to him. We also don't want to become those parents who don't ever go to restaurants because they're afraid of how the kids will behave! Nowadays we choose to go to smaller, less "busy" (as in decor) places, and at off-peak times. The fewer the people, the better. He's a sociable kid and he wants to see everything and everyone, so the less that's going on there, the better. We also noticed he behaves better at the places we frequent, and earlier in the day. Going out to breakfast seems to be okay (so far).

I first started giving my son clothing and food choices several months ago, and he didn't get it at first, so I just pretended he chose something. But now he does decide half the time, and the other half, he just doesn't care. It's a simple thing, but I think he enjoys the fact that I'm giving him the choice, more than he truly cares what shirt he wears that day.

Again, stick to it and don't give in, because while it seems easier, it really causes more problems in the long run. Good luck, I hope he (and you!) gets through this phase soon, which I hope for my boy as well!

I loved your response to all of this. Especially the part about the child trying to send you to the "funny farm". You have a great sense of what is the right thing to do for children. I am a parent of 3 older kids and I wish I would have had the insight you have. Keep going the way you are.

Hi, you have a spirited one :)
What works for me: Imaginative play, Example: "you do not want the socks, but Nigel(the bear)wants to wear socks, now it's your turn, after we dressed the bear. When he is screaming tickle him and say tickle monster is comming to get a screaming kid, chances are he will laugh amd forget why he was cryind then you can start over. As you need to do you stuff for him turn it into play and talk funny different voices he might get distracted. He is to young to understand power struggle.

I feel your pain! My 16 month old throw tantrums, but typically only for me. He is really a "Mama's Boy", 9 out of 10 times I'm the person that he wants. I've tried time outs, but to him they're just a game. He gets up, Mommy sets him down. He just looks at me and giggles. He has been known to hit me, and only me, in the face and pull my hair. Typically when it's tantrum time I just very calmly say "I understand you're upset and if you need to throw a fit, go ahead. Find Mommy when you're finished." I just go about my business and eventually he'll calm down to a cry and come and find me for some cuddly time. We've been doing this for a while now. I haven't noticed the fits being less frequent, but they do seem to be less severe and shorter. The hitting and hair pulling I just very sternly say "NO NO, Not Nice!" and then I just sit him down for a few seconds. That's gotten better too, but some days.....let's just say I can't believe I still have hair. I can't wait to read your advice, I need it too.

Oh my god – you just totally brought me back a year and a half when my daughter was about that age. I was totally in the same spot along with the same guilt about working full time. She would lay on the floor screaming and spitting 3 or 4 times a day – and it was a special treat reserved only for us. It was terrible!
I guess the first thing I can say is you’re not alone. Sometimes knowing that what we were going thorough wasn’t unique to us helped me get through some of the more non-fun stuff.
I think I actually posted here around that time because I though my sweet, well behaved daughter had been swapped out by an imposter. I went immediately to the toddler book to read about tantrums to look for suggestions and it said that they can sometimes last until age 4. I totally panicked and didn’t think I was going to be able to make it through. I still joke to this day with people that I went digging through all the drawers to find the hospital bracelets from when she was born because we were on the verge of bringing her back until the phase had passed. (Kind of joking, kind of not). Well of course I felt like a horrible mother after 3 weeks of tantrums when we figured out it was because she was getting her 2 year molars. From what I’ve heard, people say that grown adults wouldn’t be able to handle the pain. After they broke through, tantrums were over. Until the next set started coming in and we (meaning I) panicked again that this was going to be a new behavioral phase. It passed in 3 weeks just like the first time and now I have my sweet, mostly well-behaved daughter back. So maybe it’s the same with your son. Take a look and see if you see anything.

If not, you might want to try a reward chart. I used that when I needed to get her to cooperate with a couple of things. That really worked for her because one of the episodes on Sid the Science Kid had to do with charts so when I mentioned making her a chart she was totally on board. Nothing fancy – just something I made in Word with a couple of pictures I found on the internet and the colored star stickers they had when we were kids. Worked like magic. Maybe you give him stickers for when he’s able to calm himself down in a reasonable amount of time. You hate to reward for cooperating (I think that can start a bad precedent) but desperate times call for desperate measures so whatever works.

Definitely don’t give in to the tantrums. Sometimes we don’t give them credit for how smart they are. Easier said than done sometimes.

We did take a break from eating at restaurants for a little while around that time. It just wasn’t worth the anxiety to us. It lasted maybe 6 months and now we take her all the time and she is perfectly well behaved.

Good luck and know that it will end sooner or later.

A book that helped us a lot is 1-2-3 Magic. It's not a silver bullet, but it has a simple, effective method for staying in control and containing bad behaviors. I recommend reading it. The basic premise is three warnings, then a timeout, with the parent remaining calm and refusing to engage in argument. If the behavior occurs at home, timeout is in the child's room, and if they keep throwing the tantrum, then so be it. It can be hard to follow, and tricky to define timeout in public, but it has worked well for us.

I totally feel for you. For both my kids this was the hardest age. They get so frustrated because they don't have the ability to communicate effectively, nor the understanding that they can't always have what they want. You're doing the right thing. Stick to your guns and don't pay him any attention. That's the most important thing. When he realizes that the tantrums aren't getting him anything, he'll stop. Unfortunately, it will happen on his own time. For my older one it was after the first two. For my younger one it took a couple of months. In the mean time, make sure you take time out for yourself to help relieve your stress. Good luck!

I feel for you. I am a working Mom too have had a taste of this. When my son was about 1 year old, he started having the same type of fits and continues today (he's 3) We can predict when it is likely to happen. If he has had less than normal night time sleep and nap, then he is likely to be irritable and difficult and stubborn and emotional. We were "enlightened" by a book: "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Marc Weissbluth. Check it out from the library to see if you agree with its methods before buying it, like I did. It's been in print for 20 years and the library typically has a short waiting list for it. They now have several copies.

Hi!

I have a 12, 9 and 6 year old. When your toddler throws a tantrum, go down to his level so you can see eye to eye. Calmly explain that he cannot have what he wants right now because.....then state whatever your reason is, but offer an alternate choice. Toddlers are learning to make decisions and really like feeling in control. Offer him two choices that you are comfortabe with and he will think he is in control. If he keeps going, IGNORE the behavior and he will learn several things. First, that he cannot always have his way all the time. Second, that behavior will not be tolerated. Third, acting that way will not get him what he wants. Fourth, how to calm himself down. I promise you it will be very hard, but you cannot give in. It is not mean. You already addressed his issues and gave him a chance to calm down with your attention. You must be consistant, and everyone else who cares for him must also do this, otherwise he will always be confused. It will take a bit of time, but he will catch on. He is not trying to send you to the funny farm, this is 100% perfectly normal behavior. Be strong and be patient. He is in an extremely frustrating developmental stage right now and cannot process it all, which is why he throws fits. He does not know yet how to properly express what he's feeling or wants. I did this with all three of my children and it does work, but it takes time and strength. Good luck!

You are doing GREAT! As far as the restaurants, just face it, 18months old do not have long attention spans. Keep the
restaurant with Mommy and Daddy as a reward for another hurdle in life. Go out, just you and your husband, enjoy!
He can stay with a sitter(no guilt now). He will get older and develop ettiquette as you go along.
Keep up the good work, and he WILL grow out of it. Good Luck.

Lynn, I agree that you don't want to give in to the specific issue that was the catalyst for the tantrum, but I do think it's important to keep tantrums in perspective. They are a normal part of child development, and have a purpose of helping the child learn boundaries and what they can and cannot control. He's not being bad, he's being a normal 18 month old. With our first (now 5), I handled tantrums best when I didn't expect perfect behavior, stayed near and available should she decide to calm down, and built in extra time for getting ready to leave the house, etc. Fortunately, she didn't tantrum as much in public, but when she did, I would try to take her to a quiet spot or the car until she calmed down. She nursed, and that also helped a lot, but offering hugs when he's done may work as well. In general we changed our habits for a while so that one parent wouldn't be caught with her in a tantrum by themselves, say, in a restaurant. Now, you can check back with me in a couple months because I have a 16 month old, and we'll see if my strategies still work!

Lynn, I feel for ya Girl! Been there - Done that! Try reading 1,2,3 Magic. It's a great tool. Funny, now that my kids are 20 and almost 16 it can still work! I say "one" and they stop....or at least look at me! :)

This all takes time time time and lots of patience. Find a safe place for your son to time-out. We put our little one at that age in a very large crock and made a game out of it. (30 seconds in the crock!) We even took photos! But, sometimes, the ignoring tech is the only thing that "works". Keep "margins" around your schedule to allow for unwanted behavior or mishaps so YOU don't get stressed. And always remember that YOU are the parent and in charge. YOU are molding this person into who/how they will be as an adult. See the end to start at the beginning. It's not always a 'fun' job, but the most rewarding. Study your child and help him use his personality to a benefit. Our strong-willed one is a leader now (always has been), but it was trying getting here!

FYI- She had a 45 min. tantrum for me not letting her close the door! (...of which I didn't know.)I let her have her time, went about my own business...she still tells her friends about this.... :)

Hang in there and live one day at a time. This too shall pass, all too quickly. xo