Dealing with "His" Children

Well-

This may be tough love but your first mistake is living together. Thimk of what you are teaching the children.. his son is not respecting you because his father is not.. you are simply roommates...

As for your son and his- the both of you need to be on the same page and if the children see that you two are at odds about them they will continue this behavior as for your 3 yr old- he's a baby.. and should mot be mistreated by anyone.

Think big picture MOM! set the example..

TS

Never bring Men or live with Men around your children whom you are not married to.... That is how I would handle it... move him OUT.....(the boyfriend and his troublesome kids....) work it out apart before moving in... it causes double trouble, trust me.

T.,
Problems already...
Get out while you can! When people live together without marriage there is no commitment of any kind. Stay if you want a life of chaos. It won't get easier because every word will bring another issue to deal with. No one will listen to the other because no one is committed in any way. You are a chemist, highly intelligent, why would you bring chaos into your sons life by "living" with a guy. Is it worth the trouble you are really going to have with no commitment other than the chemistry between you and your boyfriend? Finding someone to marry is a time process, with much consideration involved. Living with someone is a "no thinking" process which brings strife, danger, and again no commitment to anything that's good for anyone.
I know I'm harsh, but it's for your own good. You are responsible for your child and his welfare. Your boyfriend has already shown his colors and you recognized it, it's a red flag. Now be wise and end this and then take the time to find yourself a really wonderful husband. Someone who is committed to making a wonderful life for you and your child because he loves you. You make good money single, so you have the time it may take. It will be so worth it!!!

You won't likely enjoy my response however I have not only had three children, but I have dealt with merging families and I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on it.

That being said, there should have been some sort of therapy or counseling prior to you merging your families.
Boundaries and expectations must be set prior because once you are living together, things get complicated and when the children sense that they can cause issues and pit the two parents against one another that is where the real pain begins.

I strongly suggest that you have family counseling.
If the children figure out that they can do this and you and your husband are not on the same page, there is nothing but pain in your future.

first let me say if you can not accept or deal with his children then get out now! If he can not deal with the way your child behaves the same goes for him. I am sure that you love him but, your children need to come first.

The most important thing that comes to mind first to me is that these children are the innocent victims of a divorce and their ground being snatched out from under them. I do feel for you as well but you cant hold this 8 year old responsible for dealing with an adult situation.
Def. def. you and your boyfriend need to talk. I came from a divorced family also and both of my parents were married again (my Mother, 3 more times after my Father and my Father once more) and I found that the step parents never ever came into it caring for my sister and I very much. My stepmother despised us so badly.....and I can honestly say we never did anything to her but be normal kids. I wont go into detail.
I just feel that if you and your boyfriend can talk openly about it for the kids sake it will work but if you cant it wont. It sounds like these kids world has been turned upside down and they all need love, most of all from the step parent to show them the home will be loving and caring. If you despise this 8 year old already (which it sounds like) then Im sure he feels it and he will only hate you more. This is not his fault.
I say discuss it with your boyfriend lovingly because the minute he hears you talking negatively about his children he will probably shut down and vice versa.
Possibly get some books or family therapy so you both can learn how to love each others children. The only people that can change it is you adults. The children look up to you both. LEt them know you can make it okay. After all, no offense, but they didnt ask for any of this.
Goodluck.

I was in your oat. My boyfriend and I started the mess with the kids about 2 1/2 years ago. He has four kid and I have two. His kids always did stuff to my kids but the biggest thing was being disrespectful to me. AFter telling him for over a year, he did not believe until he saw it in action. Since then he has believed thw words I say and when they come over now-he, I guess sheilds me form anything I dont want to happen.He now is very styrict on them and makes sure, more or less that they dont piss me off. Through everything we have nearly spli up many times over his kids. I am telling this is a hard road, if you love him all things will work out int he end, but kids are really a tough rock in a relationship.

Dear T.,

I think your best solution would be to first have a conversation with your boyfriend about the values you both want to instil in your children. This can be a relatively neutrual ground to get that talk going. I'm sure that you will both have similar ideas including a good sense of respect for adults and other children, high self-esteem and even good health.

Then it is just a matter of setting goals and taking action. Manners are the building blocks for respect for others. If you like, you can require all the children to say please and thankyou etc. This can begin to help with his eight year old's rudeness.

Good health goes hand in hand with plenty of exercise. With the over-full plate most parents have these days it can be hard, but I would plan trips to the local park or at least get out there in the back yard with them for 30 min to an hour each day. That way, they can expel energy out side and perhaps be less rambunctious in the house. It will also help with any excessive TV watching.

By working on these issues together, you and your boyfriend will become closer and present a united front to the children. My guess would be that the 8 year old is manipulating things a bit. He knows picking on your child will iritate you and he also knows dad will have to be on his side in order to reassure him that he's important, (i.e. more important than you). For him this is a contest of wills, and he is trying to out win you in every battle.

Also, if you and your boyfriend can spend quality time with all three children together, he is more likely to catch on to this mischevious game and see your viewpoint more clearly.

However, I also want to encourage you to take up more time with his children. Your boyfriend has opportunities all week to conect with your child, but you only see his on the weekend. When you call his children 'timid' and 'weird' it shows that you have a negative image of them and are less likely to accept them for their faults. Just as you want your boyfriend to accept that your two year old is loud when he plays with others, you should be willing to accept his children.

If you can manage the difficult task of meshing your two families together it will be a great accomplishment, but it will take effort on everyones part. I think in the end though, you will reap many benefits. And also remember, don't allow eachother's children to become tools in this disagreement with your boyfriend. Children deserve nothing but love, though love does come with swift discipline.

Hi T.,
I don't mean to be rude, but you asked our opinion and here is mine: If you think there is any chance that this relationship might not work, you should not be living with this man. It isn't fair to your son to allow him to become attached to this almost-family and then take him away from it later. You are the parent, and you need to set the example. What kind of family do you hope your son will have one day? Whatever your dreams are for his family, you should accept nothing less for yourself now. You are his primary role model.
I hope that wasn't too blunt--I only wish the best for you and your son. Think carefully about how you deal with this. It will affect your son's relationships for the rest of his life.

I only have one thing to say about this situation, and I don't been to be blunt or harsh, just saying how I feel and thinking of your child who is the important person in this situation as far as you are concerned and your responsibility, and that is that I would not be with someone who would mistreat or be rude to my child.

Perhaps you need a full blown argument. If the situation continues it will just get worse. Respect of adults is apparently unknown by this child. If your boyfriend won't address the issue with his son moving out would be the best solution. It's not right to have your 2 year old treated this way. He is your first priority. V.

I am a stepmom of three kids and it is hard. We were having them every other weekend and last year around thanksgiving we started having them every other weekend and one week out of the month. Man that was hard. They loved it but it stressed me out. My husband and I did not live together before we got married, but when the kids would come over, I would giv emy all and spend some quality time with them.

For you, this will be a hard conversation any way you slice it. He will be looking out for his kids and you will be looking out for yours. I don't know how long you tow have been dating and living together, but maybe you should think about that transition a little more. I think his kids are having a hard time with the situation and he needs to deal with that. You all may need space. Make sure that your boyfriend spends quality time with his kids when they are there and you need to make a point to encourage that and not just time in front of the TV. You have to fight not to be selfish. I struggled with that because I wanted what I wanted, but I had to think about the kids. Now I do have my own time, but I do not neglect spending time with our kids when they are with us. With living together, you no longer have that time for you and your son and he has to share you all the time. Now if you guys decide to be married, through building that relationship, your son and his kids will be adjusted, hopefully. But he needs to talk to his kids about that. You need to be strong about how you feel, but understanding as well.

I hope that helps. If you want to talk more, feel free to email me.

I had a mixed family, too, and my step-son was eight when we married. He picked on my kids, pinched them when nobody was watching, would wet his bed and hide the sheets in the closet under dirty clothes, and the list goes on and on. I'm convinced that every child who comes into a mixed home has issues of insecurity with their parent. it's complicated and not solved by one simple sentence or paragraph of advice from anyone. You must have patience beyond your imagination and learn to look at this child as someone who is hurting and needing reassurance and lots of love. Nevertheless, he will also need some discipline. But my bet is that he is feeling the pains every child feels when their parent remarries. He probably feels he has lost his daddy, that you have replaced his mother, that your son is his competition, possibly replacing him in his father's life. Get professional help now if you possibly can! You cannot express to him through words what the problem is because he is too young to comprehend it all, but you can through your actions reassure him that he is as much a part of your family as your own children. Give him some responsibility with helping with the younger two -- let him help to prepare their meals with you, or other such small tasks. Do your best to make him feel a part of the family and needed and cherished. He is feeling displaced. And don't expect too much at first because, after all, he is only eight years old. He may seem very old to you right now since your youngest is so young, but he still is just a very small child who is trying to take a place in your new family. Be kind, never raise your voice to him, have patience of Job and the results will improve with time. Unfortunately, there is no room for mistakes here and you should definitely discuss all of this with your boyfriend/husband, as well. Let him know from the start that your heart is there for his son, as well as for him. And if it is not, if you really dislike his son and resent him for any reason, do yourself and your children and your boyfriend and his children a favor and end it all now. There are women who cannot handle a mixed family. If you can handle it, good luck to you. It's not easy. Also, if your sense that your bf is "rude" to your two year old baby, maybe it is truly time to end this whole thing anyway. Men do not adapt well to mixed families, sadly to say, and most of them will expect more from you being good to their kids and they are willing to give to yours. Your children may be better off without this new arrangement. You all definitely need counseling now, though, and should have had it first actually. That said, good luck in whatever you do.

Hi T.,

I would go back to living by yourself. If your boyfriend isn't nice to your son now- why would you think he will be nice later. Put your son first, it is not fair for your son to be treated like that way especially if you don't treat him that way.

It is very confusing for children, especially around age 8, to have adults living together who are not married. It makes them less sure of where they fit, of what the family structure is, and of whether or not this is permanent. (and especially after the 8 year old has already gone through one divorce.) I'm sure he is wondering, at least subconsciously, if he should bond with you or not; if he should try to chase you away; if you will hurt him / leave him if he does bond with you; if he is now less important to his father, if you will love him or just love your son, etc. You have created a very unstable situation for all of the children involved. I suggest a re-think of the whole situation. Ideally, one of you should move out and you should take this more slowly and involve a family counselor for the adults and children involved. Help everyone see what is going on, how it will be structured, and where each person fits in. The two year olds obviously won't understand as well as the eight year old, but he certainly deserves to be considered and helped. Also, it sounds like you and your boyfriend could use counseling anyway if you are concerned about a "full blown argument."

I don't know how to put this delicately-run-don't walk away! Your primary responsibility is to your child and between the boyfriend and his oldest child the cards are stacked against you and your child. Get out now before any lasting damage is done.

First of all,,,finding someone to share your time with is great, but should not ever be at the extent of your child. Your boyfriend should never be rude to your 2 year old. I mean come on...You know before this relationship is ever going to amount to anything, you guys need to agree on family disciplining styles. Your boyfriend needs to understand and remember what was like when his own kids were 2 ; and that your child is an only child, and speaking from that perspective is not used to having someone to play with at home. (Speaking from a parent of an only child). Next, you need to discuss with him the rudeness his son displays, since he obviously does not see it for himself. Or maybe his son is actually diplaying what he sees from his dad when you are not around. Children do often imitate their parents...possible red flag there... Hope this helps. Good Luck and remember no man should come before your child. :)

T.,
what a difficult situation, but I have to say your son always should come first. You do not want to compromise your son due to a boyfriend. A boyfriend being rude to your precious son is just unacceptable. You may love this man, but are you willing to sacrifice your little sons happiness and well being for it? It sounds as though the two of you have 2 different styles of raising children. From what you wrote it sounds as if the Telivision is the babysitter/fun time for his kids, where as your child loves to play rather than plop down and watch the telivision.
How do you handle the situation: I would simply tell your boyfriend that it is not a healthy enviroment for your son to be in, that you care for your boyfriend but nothing comes before your son and you have to do what is best for him, and that is having your boyfriend and his children move out.
It is scary to think that your boyfriend is already being rude to your little one. Maybe I am wrong, but then how long will it be before he raises a hand to him?
I wish you the best.

I am hoping you have already decided that you have to 100% back your son. 2 year olds are supposed to play and make noise!!! A 2 year old that would rather watch TV all day is not normal. And ANY adult that would be rude to MY 2 year old would have to deal with me... and that may not be pretty! ;o) As far as the older child being rude to any adults... This SHOULD be handled by his father, but I am wondering if he really would? As the new parental figure in the family, although you should be 100% respected, you shouldn't have to be the only disciplinarian. This is really tough... it can work... I wish you the best!!!

Instead of approching the issue with your boyfriend, I would try working it out with the kids. It's a new situation for all of the kids and they are probably a little uneasy. Try and plan fun organized activities for their next visit and try to bond with his kids in some way. That way, if the bad behavior continues and you do have to approach the subject with your boyfriend, he's more likely to listen if he knows you have really made an effort with his kids. By the way, he should be doing the same thing with your child. Regardless of what happens, your child and his happiness matter most. If it doesn't get better, don't let a man come between you and your son--you can find another boyfriend, but you won't get another chance with your baby. Good luck--blended families are hard work, but it CAN be done.

I don't pray, so I can't do that for you like some others and I'm pretty liberal and am completely fine with living together before or without marriage, but I will have to agree with the others that living with a boyfriend along with children probably isn't the smartest thing. If you never plan to get married then atleast establish your life together before playing house. I know you want to be with the man you love, but he and yourself have children who aren't in that romantic relationship with you. Just be patient and live alone. If its real it will work out.

First off, make sure you put your son first and NOT your boyfriend or your relationship with him! Your boyfriend has no reason to be rude to your son, and if he doesn't expect noise from an 8 year old and two 2 year olds, then he's not living in the real world. Do his children stay with you every weekend? If so, I would start planning some family activities for all of you to do that would be good for the kids -trips to pools, Stone Mountain, hiking, local playgrounds, etc. Does the 8 year old have plenty of age-appropriate toys/games to keep him happy at your place? I would make sure he did and then go from there with the kids -i.e. -tell them they must play together or be separated into different rooms. I just get the feeling here that your boyfriend needs to be doing more to help you and to look after the kids -after all, two of them are HIS.

I am a stepmom and I know that it can be hard. The main ingredient to a successful blended family is 100% support from your partner. If you don't have that I firmly believe you are headed for disaster in the relationship with your partner and possibly your son.

As far as not causing a full blown argument... most people can not look at things objectively and without emotion, especially when it comes to something as personal as their children, so don't expect this to blow over lightly. It’s not going to happen. Just don’t argue in front of ANY of the kids.

I personally have to agree with many others on here and say if he doesn't change his attitude immediately and make his children show you respect, it will never happen. They don’t have to like you or your son they just need to be respectful. And if he doesn’t do it: GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP! NOW! Don't compromise your son's mental health and yours for a guy that isn't giving it 100%.

Hi T.,
Ask yourself this question. Do you deserve, the way you are being treated? Next question, Does your son deserve the way he is being treated? I would say, no. You and your son do not deserve this at all, no one does.
It's time for a fair fight with out emotion. Ask him to let you speak to him for 2 minutes without interruption. No kids around...go somewhere quiet. After you are finished speaking, let him speak for 2 min. He should let you know how he feels. Put yourselves in each others shoes and try to understand where the other person is coming from. Most of the time, we don't do this objectively and just think about "me & mine." At the end of the conversation, you all may decide that, while you are both good people, it isn't working out and that's o.k. No need to scream and get in to a full blown arguement... let him go. You both deserve happiness!
The right person will come a long that will respect you and your beautiful son.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news - but it won't get better before it gets worse.
If your boyfriend loves you and really wants to work things out - he will work with you and not against you, and that goes both ways. He is dealing with your child too.
The children were there before each of you were together, so think about how the relationship has affected them and consider their feelings before jumping on one or the other. Sneaky children can be a pet peeve of mine, so I feel for you. But, at the same time that child is probably looking for attention (positive/negative).
I'm sorry to say but anytime there are children involved, you are looking at a harder road in building a lasting relationship. But, if you love each other both need to be willing to look at all sides and come to a median decision on how to discipline and reward the children involved. Relationships are WORK in progress always.

Good luck on whatever decisions you make. I'll say a prayer for you right now. The Lord can make a big difference if you keep Him foremost in your life.

Kudos to you!

A little about me:

I'm married 2nd time for 22 years, 4 children, 26 year old twins from a previous marriage(boy & girl), and an 18 yr old son, almost 16 year old daughter. My oldest daughter lives with her boyfreind that has a 10 yr old daughter that greatly influences my 7 year old granddaughter every other weekend. The 10 yr old is a sweet and loving child but somewhat sneaky at times. My daughter handles it a lot better than I would.