Dealing with Disappointment

get her involved with a team sport - she can learn how to work with others and learn how to win and lose. She might not cry or whine if her peers are playing with her. Even if she doesn't want to, it's a good learning lesson at her age. Either soccer or softball. Good luck!

Hi P.,
I was that way and I still fight it; I also have two of my four kids who are the same way. Here are the strategies that I wished my parents used - and they are the strategies that I use now with success:

1) recognize that she's got great expectations because she's got a great imagination - cool tool, teach her how to use it to better effect.

2) Give her a little more realism in her life, give her a frame of reference -- realize that to her, each event holds the possibilities of every movie she's ever seen and she probably has no clue what a Special FX budget runs the studios. ;-) So get her acquainted with how much money you go shopping with and how you budget it to cover milk and eggs and treats, etc. Start giving her a framework by which her fantasies can be limited, in other words. This is handy later when you've saved for two years for a whopping surprise -- because she'll have a frame of reference, she'll be truly surprised and honestly moved by the experience. She'll know what it means and she'll know how unlikely it truly was.

3) Prepare her daily. Anticipate the wildest most fantastic outcome she could possibly envision and shut it down, GENTLY. Tenderly explain, "Now honey, we're going to the petting zoo, but you do understand that none of the animals can come home with us and you must share them with other children..." If she's really like I was as a kid, you might want to throw in that the animals will positively NOT talk or break into song while alighting on her shoulders and that, truly, she will not meet the one true love of her life while feeding the goats. Seriously - if my folks had had any idea the stuff I came up with...

4) When she's disappointed, find out exactly what she had imagined. This will help you to help her. Find out as much as you can, try not to be shocked and try to be sympathetic - even though the ingratitude of it all may be burning a whole in your stomach.

5) Share in her fantasies - bring them out in the open. "Wouldn't it be SO COOL if..." conversations really help to give the imagination life while allowing you to fend off the crushing disappointment that may follow. My son and I have wonderful little chats on the way to places - and on the way home - about "what if" scenarios. We let our imaginations run wild, have a giggle and in the process I learn a little more about what I'd like to save for two years to surprise him with!

6) Comfort her. Kids who dream big feel deeply. More deeply than some of their peers, more deeply than a lot of us grown ups.

7) Channel her. Start channelling those big dreams into do-able areas. I tried this with my middle son and thought I was wasting my breath... then one day I got a call from the principal. My 8 year old boy was sick of not having enough money to sponsor a child overseas. So he rallied donations of books and began a Book Club at his school, all proceeds to sponsor a child in the school's name. He got the whole faculty on board and was giving up ALL his lunch hours/recesses to run the club, until the faculty pitched in and gave him a break. I never even knew until it was already happening. It's going into its second year now.

Those imaginations - those big dreams - they don't have to break your daughter's heart. They can change the world, literally. Just start showing her the news, sharing trips to the homeless shelter, etc. Trust me -- she'll come up with ideas that will astound you. And by virtue of her youth, she'll have the voice to make them happen.

I know how agonizing (and infuriating) it is to watch your kid suffer needlessly through ingratitude or false hopes... but it's a genie in a bottle, honestly. This can be a life changer if you channel it properly.

(And as for me, I'm still a little bummed after every celebration, but I learned to suck it up a long time ago. I have a convincing fake smile and who knows, one day I MIGHT just find Brad Pitt in my Christmas stocking. It could happen! wink)

Best of luck! :-)

My kids - and my husband! - are like this because they're total perfectionists. Nothing ever quite measures up to their expectations. That makes them feel like a failure. They'd rather not try at all than try and fall short of their own unrealistic expectations.

It can be VERY HARD to deal with! The best thing to do is to point out that no one, and nothing is perfect. Help her see that imperfection really is good enough. Show her that everybody makes mistakes, and it's OK. Praising her work may backfire - it will just annoy her to see that you "don't get it."

Good luck!

I would recommend a book:
"Your 6 Year Old" or, "Your 7 Year Old" which can be found on www.Amazon.com
Here is a review:
"When you know what behaviors are "normal" for your child's age you can relax, stop the worry, and focus on appropriate solutions. This whole series of books accurately defines the ages and stages of children. These books keep your expectations realistic and allow you to avoid anger caused by a lack of understanding of your child's developmental stages."

I have a 6 year old. My daughter does that too... a girl can be quite emotional, like a woman on PMS. Then there are their personality traits...my daughter "tended" to be a "perfectionist." So, she would fret over things when it did not go her way, or if things were not as she imagined in her cerebral sophisticated head, or if her ideas were not plainly executed as she hoped....and YES MY DAUGHTER CRIES/WHINES TOO, and turns into a soppy wet mess with a sad forlorn face with wet eyelashes and tears dripping down her face.

okay. So what? WELL, me & Hubby know my daughter well by now... and over the years, we have taught her that she does NOT have to be "perfect" nor do we expect her to be perfect... and that just having "fun" and just "doing your best" is good enough and EQUALLY great.

The thing is, each daughter is different. And some are just emotional this way. My friends who have girls, say the SAME thing about their daughters too.

For us, we don't nit-pick my daughter about it... she's not doing it on purpose, she is just being "raw" and expressive about her feelings...in no way, do we want to "stifle" her. BUT, we always make a point to talk with her, to see where she is at, what is causing difficulty... and WHY is she crying. Sometimes, she says she doesn't even know why she is crying.. .and then she'll start to laugh because then she realizes how silly she is being etc.

The thing is, well, if you get irritated at her... then it's not going to solve anything... it just gets the child more upset, and then they will get a hang-up about themselves thinking that you like the other sibling "better" or something. My daughter says that to us, whenever we get "irritated" with her bawling. BUT, SO we have to remember how terrific of a girl she really is... and it's OUR attitude that needs to be tweaked... not my daughter... she is too young to at-will CONTROL her every emotion. And sometimes it is ME that is simply having a moody-day. Myself alone.... so then I am just irritable anyway. NOT my daughter's fault.

I remember being that way when I was young... and my Mom getting irate at me for every little emotion I had or felt... and what a PAIN I thought she was... I remember thinking to myself "HOW can my Mommy be so cold...." And she would CONSTANTLY say "kids weren't that way when I was a child..." How hurtful. It also became a sore-spot with me... because I felt (at this young age) that NOTHING I did was "good enough" for my Mom and whenever I did something I would feel let down, because it was letting HER down....I could feel the "vibes" off of my Mom... I could read her face & voice perfectly... even at this young age, and I knew when she was disappointed and then annoyed... in me.

Anyway... well kids are kids. Even little girls have hormones. And, your girl probably just has her own personality and temperament... my girl is that way and you know what? Because of her "sensitivity"...my girl is REALLY a bright, creative, wise, cerebral, original, and unique little girl... and I am glad she is who she is. BUT, as her Mom...I have to help "teach" her how to NAVIGATE & 'PROBLEM SOLVE' "difficulties." THAT is the thing they need to get adaptable at. Ability to adapt. Ability to cope. Ability to not feel let down.... THAT is the trick to teach them.

Some days my girl is so hard to please too. BUT, at school, she is an exceptional student, and is actually the BEST student in her class. So, at home, this is where my girl "releases" all her pent up "stuff." That's fine. My level of tolerance and "annoyance" has to flex too. I'm just glad my girl will vent to me and express herself and tell me her most personal feelings... THAT is to me, a "golden" thing.

All the best,
Susan

I am always having to tell my two children, who are 4 and 5 years old, "Without gratitude, you have nothing," at times when they are complaining about this and that and appear to be precariously close to taking on a sense of entitlement. My children are very fortunate that they have both of the parents who are still together, their needs are taken care of, and we live a middle class suburban lifestyle. They are so young though, and their limited exposure to the world is such that they don't understand that there are kids out there that would be estatic to have a fraction of what my children have, so I have started to talk to my children this fact, on a level that they can understand, and the importance of having a grateful heart. My husband and I have also have had to learn to not give our children so much in terms of the material stuff and allow them the opportunity to earn certain items or activities with their good attitude and helpfulness around the house.

And there have been a number of occassions when we have had to put an abrupt end to a certain activity or take something away because of their whining and complaining. Another thing that you will also hear me saying a lot here is, "You will never get what you want by whining and complaing." In fact, just last night, I took my children to Borders and told them that they could get one book that is $5 or less as a reward for their good attitude that week. Well, my son wanted a $20 game and when I said "No," he threw a major fit right then and there in the store. After fair warning, we left Borders with a books for me and a book for his little sister but no book or game for my son. He chose to carry on with his fit and didn't like the idea of waiting a couple of months to receive it as a birthday present or possibly a few weeks more to earn some money to pay for part of it by doing some simple chores around the house, so he got nothing this time around. Maybe this sounds harsh to some but he'll probably think twice about throwing another fit at Borders the next time we are there and a lot more respectful when mom says, "Not this time but maybe you can . . ."

I'm sure that you will get a lot of other great responses from other members out there as well, but this is the tactic that I am using right now and thought you may be interested.

Best wishes for the new year!

homeopathy is good for "mood swings" in the little ones.
find classical homeopath in your area who is NOT an MD, TCM or chiro - these are good for acute, what you need is someone who can do long constitutional appoinment w/o watching the clock.
Good Luck
V

HI P.,

Whining is really a show-stopper, isn't it?

The only thing I would add to the great advice you've gotten already is that I'm guessing your 6 year old is your older daughter? If so, she may be wrestling with some jealousy as her little sister gets more mobile and develops more of her own personality.

While there's little excuse for whining, as much as you can, I'd suggest trying to empathize with the fact that she's disappointed, even if her expectations were unrealistic. That may help her to feel like you're on "her side" and that her feelings, however ridiculous they may seem, are valid.

best of luck!
C.

Hi P.:
I couldn't have said it better than SH. Excellent response,and sound advice.

hi P....ever heard of stanley greenspan?he's a pediatrician and a psychiatrist. he writes about floortime...or special time .it's very helpful...my son and i worked through something similar to your situation .floor time is a specific alloted time you give to your child where the child is in charge. and they _are in charge...there is no t.v. no going out to watch a movie or get ice cream .you spend half an hour to an hour tops ,giving them your full attention .not suggesting they do it your way..if she wants to play dolls..she calls the shots...it's hard at first but after a bit you'll see how you both will crave the intimacy and sharing that special time can bring .my child became very giving and happy and we both looked forward every week to the new discoveries thatcame up..we still have floortime and my son is going to be thirteen next week..good luck and enjoy! (sorry about the lousy typing..i'm a professional calligrapher who never bothered to learn to type!)cbr

Wow, that's a tough one. I'd say the moment she starts to complain, the "fun" should be over and that should be the moment you leave and go home. Do not drag it out and talk about it and reason about it, just leave in a matter of fact way. I think she's old enough to realize that her behavior can directly affect whether she gets to continue the privilege, or not. You might say, "I'm sorry if you're not enjoying this anymore. It's time to go home." She should come to reason that if she complains and whines, the privilege is over.
I'll be curious to see if this technique will work.
REmember to be patient and non-judgemental with her - just matter of fact.
Good luck,
M.