Dealing with Change in Visitation

I'm so sorry you are having to face this. I really don't have much in the way of advice, I just wanted to reach out to you and let you know that you are supported. I can't imagine not having my child home at night, not at that age anyway. I have a 17 mo old and I still don't let him out of my sight for any longer than it takes me to get groceries. My 9yr old, now that's another story. I just wanted to let you know, that the way you are feeling is not being "clingy". It's being a mom. Good luck to you. Shannon

I agree with Nicky S,

I don't agree about contacting a lawyer. He is the father and you have to let him at least try to be a father, you did choose to lay with him and now you want to question him about being a father? Not fair.

It sounds like you are saying you have trust issues with his father. Talk to him about it, maybe he feels like you are a stranger too and thats why he wont talk to you. I have never been through anything like this, but my husband is very private also, but through building trust he has opened up. Maybe his father is more task focused than being people focused...ask him how he would deal with the baby waking up at night, or what his favorite thing of his is (smile, eyes whatever). Tell him why you feel the way you do about changing the visitations, even if he doesnt talk back, it doesnt mean he is not listening, and at least you got it off your chest! Have you seen his place and where the baby will be staying? That might help you feel better too if you know he is going to a safe place. He must care about his son to want to be apart of his life like that..and wouldnt it be nice to have a night off for once?

Are the visitations court ordered or are they voluntary? If they are voluntary and you're trying to establish a relationshp between your child and father, I would hold off on overnights until your child is old enough to verbally tell you what's going on. There are some questions that need to be answered: Has the father had regular visitations up to this point and does your son seem happy and normal when he comes back from the visitations? If so, then maybe overnights are the next step. If they already have a good relationship and it's just that you're not emotionally ready, then you need to establish a rapport with the father and explain your feelings to him about how important co-parenting is to you whether you're together or not.

ok i too am speek for the mans point of view on this. i am the second baby mama to my husban so i try to understand from both sides. you may have reason to be worried, i dont know him! yes the court does say 18 months, ok then try to go with that. but his point of view:
maybe he wants some alone time with your son. its heathy for the child to know thats his father. you see him all the time and maybe he wants that, but its not gonna happen. so he wants to try over night.
for you i think you should be happy that he wants to be involved. there is sooo many fathers that want nothing to do with the child. it sounds very much like you have trust issues with the father and you need to resolve that. so what if he doesnt want to tell you everything. does he have to? im sorry but it does sound like you may be a little clingy. losen up some. also like one mother said to take him to mcdonlds. for what? he's only 10months old. im guessing you guys already were doing the visiting with you there. im sorry but that takes away from the child getting to know his father. but in your case at first because you have that fear of him its ok. but dont be there for long anymore! its just good for the father and son to know each other.
in my case my husbans son doesnt even know he is his father because she didnt want to tell him til hes 5. which i hink is bs. because now he's confused on why our daughter is his sister and now our new baby will be his brother. ok i dnt know if i helped but i thought you need to know how the guy may feel. good luck

This is a really tough situation. I tried to put myself in your shoes and wondered what it would be like not to have my 12 months old son with me for a night. I didn't like the idea.On the other hand, I believe that children are very adaptable and as long as you are not concerned about your son's father abusing your son, I think your son will be okay. Children identify with both of their parents and your son will need to get to know his father. I do think that 10 month is too young but your son can learn to be with his father for overnight visitations. I don't know how the father is with children or if he has had experience with children. Chances are, that if you are experiencing sleeping issues with your son, so will the father and the overnight visitations may be too difficult for both of them. I would definitely let the father know ahead of time that your son is having sleep issues and that if he is not going to sleep there is no use in forcing him to and to just bring him back to you. As for your relationship between you and the father, please try to build a relationship with him. Your son will thank you for it later. My parents had a lot of issues when I was young and decided to divorce when I was two. Regardless of their issues, my mom was very determined to have a great relationship with my dad and told him so. I don't know how much she had to fight for it b/c she doesn't talk about it much but I benefited greatly from their relationship. The less tension there is between you and the father, the better for your son and it will allow him to relax more with his father too. My hubby and I had a situation where he had custody of his kids from a previous marriage and his ex wanted more overnight visits which the court granted her. I think she lasted for about 2 or 3 months and then she gave up and said that she didn't want the additional overnights after all. My step kids were older. So, the situation basically resolved itself.

If you feel this strongly about it, I would check with an attorney about what your county or state's co-parenting guidelines are. If 18 months is the standard for overnight visits, then maybe a judge will back you up and you won't have to worry about it for another 8 months.

It's possible that you're being a little clingy, but isn't it our job and instinct to protect our children? That's the way we are wired!

C.,
I'm not sure I really agree with a lot of what people are telling you. I JUST went through almost the EXACT same thing as what you're going through now. My daughter is now 16 months old and has been having overnight visits with her father since she was about 9 or 10 months old. The court ordered a phase-in period to get her used to spending time with him. It absolutely tore my heart out when she first started spending the night (2 consecutive nights) with him. He had absolutely NO experience with babies AT ALL, and I was concerned. He took a couple of parenting classes which I believe helped a lot. For your sake, and the sake of your son: take a deep breath. I won't lie to you - it will be incredibly hard at first, but he will adjust VERY quickly, and so will you. It will give you a chance to have some time for yourself. I would be happy to talk to you about it more... I've been through the court system and can give you an idea of what to expect if you're looking at taking that route. If you'd like to talk more, just send me a personal message and I'll get you my #.

Keep your chin up - it will work out!

Side note: I've never heard of this guideline mentioned, regarding not allowing overnight visits until 18 months of age.

I only have one suggestion that may not be relevant. You don't say how you feed him, but if you are breastfeeding, no court would make you hand him over for a night because you can just tell them that he nurses back to sleep when he wakes in the middle of the night. Just another reason to nurse!
If not, disregard my advice :)

Hi, C. --

As maybe one of the more paranoid Moms in the world, I can certainly relate to what you're going through. That kind of situation would have driven me out of my mind when my daughter was your son's age -- and probably even now.

Since it seems that you really don't even know your son's father and that's giving you misgivings, I would go with your gut instinct, personally. I always view my chief job as a Mom of a little one as her protector, and everything else comes after that. Before they can communicate with us, I think it's doubly important.

Now, I have empathy for those dads out there who don't get the quality time they would love to have with their little ones, and the situation you're in is very familiar to me because I have 3 cousins who got pregnant before they were married, and 2 of them didn't stay with the baby's fathers - one is in a horrendous custody dispute to keep the father away.

I'd say that, if it's possible, you should press to wait for the overnight until your son is older. Alternatively, would it be possible for you to invite his father to stay over at your house - not to reignite intimacy, but to permit him more time with your son but not out of range of your protection.

I wish you the best,
H.

I can totally understand where you're coming from. Does your son's father see him on a regular basis now? It would be very difficult if they have no prior relationship. If they are used to each other, I'm betting things will be ok. They may be rocky at first though. I don't think you're being clingy at all! We're moms. Our job is to be clingy, worry, change diapers, comfort crying, kiss boo boo's etc. If your ex shows any signs of emotionally abusing your sone, seek help right away. In the meantime, I think you'll have to let your son go to his dad's. Unless it's not court mandated. If it's not, then you don't have to let him go. I would say, let him go once and see how it goes. It's going to be very difficult the first few times, but it will get easier as time passes. Good luck to you!

Hi C., sounds like you have gotten some good advice already. I am going through a similar situation with my daughter who is a little older - 15 mos. Her biological father (also short intimate relationship) who hasn't spent time with her in more than 9 months is now pushing for "Rule 22" visitation, Friday - Sunday. I am of the opinion that this kind of forced separation/bonding is not to anyone's advantage, except adults who are trying to prove a point to one another.

So! Due to the hostile nature of our relationship, "talking it out" has been a challenge - although mediation or counselling might work for some disputing parents, and the courts are now involved to the point that our daughter has been assigned a legal Guardian to look out for HER best interest, as opposed to either of ours.

For you, sweet Mama, I say better safe than sorry, and if your child is spending the majority of his time with you, then probably YOU know what is best for him, especially right now when he can't necessarily articulate himself. I think there is nothing wrong with taking it slow, and the less traumatizing the situation is for both the child and his father, the better their relationship may be in the long run. I think a phase-in is the way to go, so that everyone can see how things are going to work out, with baby steps.

Your son won't remember what's happening now, and right now HIS comfort is first priority, which may mean making sure YOU are okay too, since you are his primary care giver.

I agree with several of the other moms that have shared their great advice to go with your gut - only YOU can know what is best for YOUR situation. I encourage you - don't feel pressured by "the book" unless someone can justify why it is in the best interest of your child. They're just guidelines. You're the Mom, and you're the one who has taken responsibility for the love and nurturing of this little boy for the rest of his life - no matter who else he has a relationship with or not.

Best wishes and hang in there. Your concern shows your love!

There is a reason why the courts do not have a child spend the night away from the custodial parent until 18 months old. I would explain to the father, that although you want him to have a relationship with his son, he will have to wait until he is 18 months old to have him overnight. Explain that it will emotionally hurt the child to be away from you overnight and hence the reason the courts have it in there for another 8 months before it can happen. I would not give in if it was me, considering the situation.

T.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have no advice for you besides find out the laws in your county and talk to an attorney to see what your options are. You are NOT in any way being unreasonable or too clingy! This is your baby and he needs you at this young age. I'm not saying his father isn't needed but I think it is too soon for overnights. My daughter is almost 2 and she still hasn't been away from me all night. It is great that you are so attatched to your little one, it's just natural! Good luck!

I advise you to go ahead and let his father have him overnight.
My grandson was less than 10 months old when he began 50/50 custody and he has adjusted nicely.
It is about your son, not you.
It is very important that he have the time with his willing father.
If it is only overnight once a week or so, it will be easier for him to adjust at this age than later.

Is your babies father Emotionally abusive as well ?You said part of the problem is that my relationship with my son's father was very short lived and it followed an emotionally abusive (much longer) relationship.Many women keep picking the same kind of guys sadly. If he is make him wait.He could really harm your childs growth and spirit.
His father will need to know the childs schedule and keep him on it.Feedings, bathes etc. kids like a routine and if he can't follow it he needs to wait longer. Is he paying his child support? If not/ he has no right to see the child.
Debbie

It has been my experience working in the legal field, that the motivator behind this action may not be the Father as much as it is the MOTHER of the Father, aka, the child's grandmother. I know nothing of yoru situation other that what you wrote but with what you have said, i would bet that there is some grandmotherly influence there. As far as what you are required to do, well, you are only required to follow whatever your visitation order is at this moment. If you have legit concerns about your son staying overnight at his father's house, then you should trust your feelings. It isn't like you will NEVER allow overnight visitation. You know what is best for your son, if spending the night with his Father at this time is best then go ahead. If not, don't apologize for making a hard decision. Your the Mommy, it's your job. Go with what you feel is in the best interest of your son and you can't go wrong.

I want to answer this from the viewpoint of the father. My husband and his first wife decided early on to hold-off on letting him see his son other than once a month and NEVER without her being there. Her claim was that their son needed HER more than he did his father.

In 2 weeks, their son will be 18 years old. Try as he might, she refused to change the visitation in any way, shape or form. As a result, this young man is very much a mama's boy and has no mind of his own. He is very reliant on his mother, doesn't really know his father, at all.

We took her to court last year and the judge interviewed their son privately. He decided to not change the visitation because, as he told my husband, this is one very emotionally fragile young man. Quite frankly, he will be totally unable to handle life without his mother (she is very controlling), unless he has some kind of break through in the next few years. He is totally unsocialized...has no friends, she has made him this way.

I'm not saying you are like her and I'm not going to tell you what the best thing is for you to do, however, do not let what happened to this child, happen to yours.

Just my $1.00 worth of advice, it may not be worth that much, but just one point of view.

I think you absolutely right for feeling that way that you do. I'm going through a similiar situation, however my kids are 10 and 8. At this age they can state if they want to go or not and let me know of things that happen while they are with him that should'nt go on. At such a young age that was my worry. My kids father left me when I was 5mos pregnant with my son who is now 8. His living arrangement was not as it should have been(going from woman to woman and friends who weren't a good influence). As for him he is 35 and very immature. We were never married however the court stated that if I didn't know any specifics about any dangers, the kids would have to go. They wrote out a plan that we agreed on, and it worked out that he never kept his overnight visits.There was always an excuse, which didn't bother me at all. So they would go with him for his 2 days a week and he would have them back by the end of the day. He was "the boy that cried wolf". Took me through all that and didn't live up to it. Well ,I can go on and on as you can see, but to make a long story short, see if you can work it out where he would agree on certain days of the week for how ever long he wants and just have him back at the end of the day.Legally, again you can't stop him from having him all night if you don't know of any specific dangers. Now, he's found yet another woman to take care of him. I never speak bad about him to the children, but they see for themselves and don't care to go to his house with him. I talked to them about it and they now agree to go with him if he will take them somewhere else. It's still not like it should be, but it's nothing like it use to be. I hope this long response helps you. I do feel all your pain, worries, and concerns, as you can see. Send me a message if you ever need to talk.

C., You're not being to clingy. 10 months is way too
young to be staying all night with anyone, except perhaps
trusted grandparents who he sees often and is comfortable with. The dad obviously has trouble connecting with people.
I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable. That gut feeling
is what all mothers should listen to. Say NO with no guilt
and the very shortest explanation. Do not argue with him!

C.,

I went through that 4 years ago and my son's dad was the same, he didn't want me to know about his personal life and if he had a girlfriend and he didn't want me to know where he lived. My son started over nights with his dad when he was 3 and that's only b/c his dad would make promises to visit him and didn't, that went on for 2 years then we went to court and the visitation started out slow, a few hours on Saturday and a few hours on Sunday. He also got a mid week visit, that was on Tuesday evenings for about 3 hours. Your son is still small, I would go by the book if it says start over nights at 18 months then start it at 18 months. Your ex may get mad, but just let him know you are going by what the papers say, if you live in the same town then it's not necessary for your son to spend the night with his dad. That's what my papers said and the courts told me that was ok to do. My son is now 5, I also have a 9 yr old son who's dad has tried to ruin my life for the past 9 years all b/c he has to pay child support and doesn't want to. I was a sinle mother for 8 1/2 years, been through a custody battle when my first son was a baby and now I'm going throuhg another custody battle with the same son, I got married Dec. 2006, moved in June from IN to OH 5 hours away from my family/friends, oh and I got pregnant 2 weeks after I got married and my husband already has 3 kids with his ex wife, went on bedrest for 2 months over the summer and got my son taken away from me all b/c I went on bedrest and b/c I moved out of state and now the courts are making it harder for me to get him back. When I moved my 5 year old dad dropped off the face of the earth, I called him 2 times after I moved to let him see his son and he didn't return my phone calls, so he made it easy for me and my son b/c he was not attatched to his dad, he's a mama's boy, thank the Lord!!!! Now I have a huge family with 6 kids, it's not easy, but God is working every thing out. Needless to say every thing will work out for you and your son. I hope I have helped you, if you ever need any advice or just need to talk or vent email me at the mamasource.
God Bless you and your son.
L. C

As much as you don't want to do it you need to let your ex take your son. He is his dad and just because you two had a bad relationship at least he is still willing to be there. My husband and I separated for a short period of time when our oldest son was 7 months old. It was horrible for me to let him go because I was unsure of the environment he would be in but I also knew that his dad had the right to see him. He was fine and it took me some time to get used to it, but I did. Although your ex may not be emotional and stuff it will be different toward your son because that is his son too. It will take some time to get used to it, but you need to let him go with his dad and this will also help with the separation anxiety that will come about when he gets older.

I am 31 yrs. old, married for almost 12 yrs. and have 3 boys with my husband. Their ages are 10,7 and 4.