Dealing with a Depressed Spouse

I've dealt with this and it came down to an ultimatum. It's not my typical personality so he knew I was serious. Anyway, it worked. A few HARD months later, he got help. Hang in there and take care of YOU!!

If he has real, clinical depression, this isn't just a "bad mood." He can't control it, or "make himself feel better," or "just get over it." He needs real help.

I would let him know, first and foremost, that you love him and will not ditch him. You made a vow, for better or worse, in sickness and in health. This is the worse AND a sickness. And it's not his fault. So tell him all of that....and let him sit with it for awhile. Reiterate just those words with loving actions. Don't react to his anger or sadness with anger in return. Just love on him awhile. Accept him, and where you're able to reduce his stress or show him love, do so.

I firmly believe that, after just a short while doing the above, you'll be able to gently begin a conversation about getting some help. It's not a conversation that you can easily have when he's in the depths of feeling crappy and as if nobody cares. He needs to FEEL that you care, but most of all, he needs to know that you still respect him. All too often, when men are depressed, the thing that bothers them the most is that they no longer feel worthy of respect. Being worthy of respect is probably one of the most important needs for men.

There aren't coping mechanisms that I can suggest. This is going to be hard, love-driven work for you. You're going to have to push aside feelings of frustration and resentment. But I think when you do, you're going to be able to help him to realize that he can't continue on like this and needs some meds and counseling. And it will be worth it. You'll both be better for this experience, and your marriage will be stronger.

Lifting your family up in prayer,

ChristyLee

ETA: Laurie is so right! Low testosterone is a real problem for men. Encourage him to visit his doc for a physical and blood testing.

Oh, boy. I feel for you. My husband and I separated 6 years ago for about 3 months because of this same situation. Being a Mexican male, there were a lot of dynamics that made it difficult for him to seek help. I couldn't take it anymore and he was refusing help so I told him we needed to separate. He didn't want to lose me or our daughter and he finally felt like he hit rock bottom so he got help. He saw a counselor weekly for a year and started taking meds for a depression. It changed all of our lives! Seeing him happy was amazing, even if it meant being apart for 3 months. Do what you have to do to take care of you and your kids and ask around for referrals for good therapists and psychiatrists for when he finally comes around. Hang in there!!!

My husband suffers from clinical depression. We figured it out early in our marriage after he lost several jobs and his temper began spinning out of control. I was blessed by the fact that he recognized that he was no longer himself anymore and he wanted to get better. He went through some therapy but they agreed the cause was likely medical. It has been a journey trying to find the right medication and monitoring his moods to make sure they are still effective. There are days I put up with it because I know he is having an off day, and we have developed a system of communication when that happens to let each other know what is wrong.

But this has to be his decision. I could not have forced my husband to get treated. It is a medical condition not (or at least not only) an emotional one. I will say, him volunteering to get treated was one of the bravest thing I ever seen.

My husband gained a ton of weight, was irritable, was tired, I kept telling him it was his job. He hated his boss and some of the people that ran some of the other departments that he had to work with.

I asked him, what do you want to do for work? Where do you WANT to work?

He still had about 11 years until retirement for the city. He wanted to stay with the city, but he wanted to use his creative skills.

SO, we talked about options. I came up with a job he would be happy and successful at.

He said there was no budget for his pay rate in another civilian job with his skills. I told him this job could pay for itself , probably even bring in money to the city, and I explained how. He worked up the proposal and also matched it with a current position and expanded the job. This way his pay rate could be justified.

He now works for the city still with the PD making training videos that can be purchased by smaller Police Departments. Instead of small Police Departments having to send all of their officers out of town to be trained, they can send one officer .. train that officer and then take the video back to their towns or cities and train the rest of the officers back in their towns. He also does other things at the training facility, but this was he is no longer in the previous division with all of those jerks. .

My husband has lost over 100 lbs. Through the weight watchers online. He is happy. He is not worn out. He gets up early to get to work. He can set his schedule now to work 4 days a week.

Heck, we just sold our home of almost 30 years and now are looking for a new home! He has never been motivated to take such a huge step. He just did not have the energy, he was so depressed about his career.

Tell your husband you love him but you are very concerned about him. He deserves to be happy. So the 2 of you need to take time alone to just talk WITH each other about what is really going on.

Tell him he is safe to tell you what is going on and what it is he needs to be a happy person.

Life is way to short to be unhappy. Your children deserve to have a happy dad. They are watching and hearing everything so he needs to take care of himself first, so he can then find the energy to help take care of the family.

Men go through MEN0pause. Yes it is a thing. They have low testosterone and this wreaks havoc with their bodies including their brains. Make sure he gets a full physical. If he is reluctant, tell him you will set up the appointment and go with him, then you two can go to lunch and enjoy some time alone together. My husband had no idea his system was so out of whack.

I had to sit down and lovingly tel my husband how concerned I was about him. He has always been a happy person with a lot of ideas and energy and it was as if his job had sucked all of this out of him. He did not believe me at first and I told him that was fine, but to just think about it. Look around and wonder why it seemed like everyone else was happy, but he was not.

I am sending you strength.

I would be honest with him how this affects you and the family. If he refuses to get better, then you have some tough choices. Other things he should also look into are thyroid function, and sleep, both of which can cause bad moods and can be resolved with medical help. If he won't see a counselor, then I would insist he see his GP for a physical, to start. The GP may also suggest he see a counselor and then it would not just be you telling him to seek help. You can help yourself, but at some point there's only so much you can do if his behaviors are the problem. Many times depression is situational and a better job can be part of the solution. My DH was horrible to deal with when his boss was bad, and he felt like he had nowhere to go without jeopardizing the finances. It didn't excuse him, but it did factor into everything.

All that said, sometimes enough is enough. I know more than one person who left her depressed spouse when said spouse would not seek treatment. Both of them not only felt trapped themselves in their spouses' inability to manage life (no going anywhere, no parties at the house, no holiday celebrations, etc) but felt it was hurting their children. Children do not need to get yelled at for everything nor do they need to worry that their birthday (as on example) will not be celebrated because their father doesn't want to deal with it. Not to say that depression isn't crippling and devastating and shouldn't be treated with compassion - but I really can't blame my friends for leaving when their spouses seemed to have no intention of helping themselves. (The divorce was actually the catalyst one man needed to get better and to become the father his children needed all along.)

There is a book I would recommend called "Happiness is a serious problem" , by Dennis Prager. Check out the Amazon reviews. He makes a compelling case that it is our obligation to be happy and not drag others down in our own bad moods. This is something I think most people need to hear.

http://www.amazon.com/s/?
ie=UTF8&keywords=happiness+is+serious+problem&tag=googhydr-20&index=stripbooks&hvadid=18380678467&hvpos=1t1&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11547223105885645526&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_49pbnqo0y5_b

Your husband is refusing to help himself, and instead allowing himself to wallow in his misery. Therefore, you either have to live with it, or lay down the law. Husband - you must get help, or our relationship will not survive.

These days, I believe in the ultimatum, although you have to be willing to follow through and know the ramifications. One of those ramifications is the effect separation will have on the kids. However, my experience has been that some people are unwilling to help themselves without ultimatums. Your husband just doesn't get to keep dumping on everyone without trying to make some changes.

Hopefully some others will have more helpful advice; I personally am at the ultimatum stage of my journey. Maybe 5 years from now I will have softer advice.

Maybe you can get him to read the book Heidi suggested, because I totally agree: we don't get to drag others down in our own bad moods.

Good luck.

I too am a wife of a depressed husband. It is hard - sometimes beyond what I think I can handle. I am grateful that he was willing to seek help and to continue to see a psychiatrist. Keep gently talking to him - don't give up. Read up on how depression manifests in men - often much different than women. It is SO important that you have support. Please PM me for more in depth info, or if you need a shoulder. I am here anytime.

Would he see a MD. This could be made worse by a medical condition. When was his last physical? The MD will ask him how he's been feeling and refer him to a mental health specialist. Or he might prescribe an antidepressant.

A lot of people have trouble dealing with the stigma of depression and mental illness, and they don't see it as just as "legitimate" as other medical issues and diagnoses. They don't go to therapy because they're scared of what they'll be told.

My husband has dealt with this off and on due to some old medical & chronic pain conditions as well as a lot of emotional trauma in his childhood plus the suicide of his brother and early death of his father. It's been stressful for me - but he acknowledged it and sought out treatment (medical intervention, medications as needed, talk therapy, some couples counseling, and good nutritional supplementation to achieve better balance and get those missing nutrients. He is now light-years ahead of where he was. A lot of times he wasn't up for things like socializing, so sometimes I stayed home and sometimes I went without him. It's okay to do what you need to do for yourself.

The other thing your husband may be overlooking is that this can be tied to a medical condition that has been undiagnosed - even without that, chemical imbalances are just that. A lot of people are afraid to get a work-up or go to counseling because they so desperately fear being labeled or they have some antiquated view of depression being something they should just "snap out of." My mother, for example, has always resisted this, and she has had mood swings for decades. I don't know what her diagnosis would be, of course, but she exhibits many symptoms consistent with bipolar disorder. Still, she thinks it's everyone else's problem, and that depressed people can just "talk themselves out of it." Huge mistake of course.

By contrast, a dear friend of mine had 5 kids and a husband who hated his job, spent a lot of time moping around the house lamenting his terrible life. Aside from the huge stress on her (leaving her to attend to her job and the needs/activities of their 5 children), he did the unthinkable - he started putting all his woes on his oldest children, particularly the daughters. He would tell them what a lousy mother they had, how no one understood his pain, etc. - basically made them into adults before their time. He never went to their activities (games, concerts, etc.) and never even went to holidays or birthdays with HIS family (instead, my friend kept the lines of communication open and made sure the kids had relationships with their grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc. The emotional and financial drain was horrible. After many years of trying everything, she finally (against her religious tradition but with strong support from her enlightened parish priest), got a divorce. The father's refusal to deal with his situation, his decision to quit his job and collect disability (going to the beach nearly every day from April to November), and his lack of interest in their lives has caused a huge breach. Only 2 of the kids see their father at all (and their mom never said a bad word about him), and when they do it's not very much fun. That's your husband's future if he doesn't decide to do something.

So my advice is to get help and support for yourself - anywhere that is comfortable for you. Keep seeing your counselor, see a clergy member, get in a support group. See if you can get some help as needed from family or friends to get your kids out of the house so a) they aren't annoying him and making his mood worse and b) getting them to some fun and enriching activities. Don't try to do this on your own. If he won't get help, there's not much you can do. If he has a primary care physician, you can share your concerns with that doctor whether or not your husband has given him permission to talk to you. Please understand that the doctor doesn't have to talk to you but you can still talk to the doctor. Next time your husband is in for a check-up or some other problem, the doctor can ask probing questions to identify triggers and open up a dialog. You do not need to (and probably shouldn't) tell your husband that you are doing this - keep it confidential so he's not on edge when he goes in or hesitate to go in at all. But sometimes suggesting to a spouse that maybe he needs a complete work-up and some blood work is a way to get them in the door - and often there is something that shows up that is treatable, and it makes the person more amenable to referrals or other therapies.

Do you remember Ann Landers? Decades before people were comfortable talking about these things, she urged people to go to counseling. Even if the spouse wouldn't go, she said "go without him." That's still true today. So keep going with your therapy, and figure out (perhaps with your counselor) a strategy for letting him know that you're going to do things that help you and that his mood is a factor in your health and that of your children.

Some people respond better to visual input versus verbal. Verbal can sound like nagging. I tend to write a pro/con list and leave it for him with a note that you love him, want to help but don't want to nag, and to remember that maybe he cannot control what happens but he can control how he reacts to it.
You could write topics like see MD, see therapist, drink more beer (as a joke), change jobs, take up hobby, exercise, have a massage, tell boss he is a jerk, etc.etc. Then under the Pro and Con columns add in your opinion. Then leave it for him and tell him you are there for him to discuss.
It may prompt a discussion or some action.
Good luck.