DD Had a Freak-out at the Mall - Would You Have Handled It Differently?

Good job mama.. I have been there done that.. Also when my husband says that.. I tell myself.. He isn't in my shoes nor has he ever run daily errands with 2 strong willed children in tow.. Take a bath and relax..
It is harder on the parents to not give in..but she will remember this!

Her behavior sounds like that of a normal kid her age. You handled it pretty much how I would've. Good for you for not being a lazy, child led parent :-)

Well, as for Mr. Softie, it's always easy to Monday Morning Quarterback, isn't it? LOL

I would have done exactly what you did.
When my son get's "weird" about choosing between items...he gets NONE.

Your last statement says a lot.
"she is an EXTREMELY strong-willed child and getting the right message to sink in at times is really a challenge - she doesn't just take no for an answer and she's really persistent when she wants her way!"
You know this about her. You have to handle her the way you did or things will just get worse. Maybe going back to exchange the toy wasnt necessary and just fed into her controlling behavior. But it wasnt terrible on your part. What you do next will be very important. For the next week or 2, if you need to go to the mall or other store, make it real clear to her there will be NO play time and NO toys because she was a whining crying tantrum child last time. Or leave her home to do the shopping and make it clear to her you wont take her until shes certain she can behave. And dont get her a new toy or goody when you go out again for a long time. You did perfect in most every way! Good job M.!

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It sounds like you did a great job mama! I probably wouldn't have taken her back into the store, but you did what you did, and you put your foot down. I think that was good.

*hugs*

I think you did great!

I have done the same thing!!

Although maybe take a snack next time. I learned with my own strong wiled one that the more hungry she is the worse the behavior.
Our joke when a tantrum was coming on was to Throw her a steak!! She is now 16, still strong willed, and still needs her steak at regular intervals.

I agree with your husband that I would have not gone back to the disney store... I would have just said "no, this is what you decided one, maybe you can get a different toy some other time."

BUt you did the right thing by removing her from the strore. I do think that is she promised to be good, and actually was behaved you could have rewarded her with giving her fan back, had you not ereturned it... It is good to do something to reinforce good behavior when you get it, just because by not acknowledging when she is good, it just tells her that you don't care if she is good or bad, and that changing her behavior makes no difference. (it is good to model forgiveness, by allowing kids to redeem themselves). But don't feel bad, I probably would have returned the toy too, and then later on I would have rewarded my daughter's good behavior with something else (maybe we would have a play tea party or something before bed).

This isn't really a matter of being too hard on her or not... you did what you did and she'll be ok tomorrow I am sure! I would work on saying "no" more with her, and then treating her for good behavior... and lasting good behavior (maybe save the Disney store as the LAST destination at the mall... so that she is encouraged to be on her best behavior and earn a toy at the end of the day. Don't GUARANTEE a toy, instead say "If you are good maybe we can pick out a toy or treat at the end of the day". If she misbehaves or throws a tantrum, remind her that she might have gotten a toy, but now she will not!)

Good Luck!
-M.

I would have done the same thing as you, except I probably would not have allowed the possibility of the first swap (Tinkerbell for Minnie Mouse).

Like most kids, my son (4) always begs for toys at the store. I hate it when he asks "just to look" at the toy aisle and then begs me to buy something when I specifically told him we are only looking this time.

However, I have found a couple tactics that work pretty well. If he begs for something over $15, I tell him that we will put it on his birthday list or Christmas list. That almost always works because it leaves open the possibility that he MIGHT get it in the future.

If the item is under $15, I tell him he can save his allowance money for it (I don't bother telling him this for bigger items because, with his patience level, he could never save his allowance long enough). If he has enough allowance but didn't bring it with him, I tell him he can buy it himself on our next visit.

At 4, he's still a little young to grasp the whole "allowance" concept, but he knows enough to understand that it's his money and his choice. A couple times recently he has actually turned down certain toys because he didn't think they were worth spending HIS money on (though he would have very happily spent Mom's money for them)!

I agree with your husband. You should not have gone back to the Disney store. However, under the circumstances, you handled the situation very well. When kids that age are given to many choices, they often become frustrated. She doesn't have reasoning skills yet. It's great that you are nipping this in the bud now because it gets much worse when they become tweens.

I would of done option A. You need to be firm and consistant. Im learning that myself.

I don't think you were too hard on her at all. I think only thing to think about for next time is clear expectations before hand. This happens to me too when going to such places (even just Target) where there are lots of opportunities to want things. What about this, what about that? Decide ahead of time--as much as you can, even 5 seconds before walking into Disney Store--what you will and will not get, and make sure she knows it. We're only window shopping for ideas, you can get one thing from the dollar bin, you may choose a costume-- whatever you intend, make it clear before going in. And then, if bad behavior starts, end the visit to that store immediately. NO negotiations, no waffling, no going back to change your mind.

I would of done exactly what you did. Yes she may have been tired and hungry but I get the impression this isn't the first time (my 4 yr old tries to pull the same bit) and all I have to say is keep up the good work" it will sink in eventually :)

I would have handled it similarly, other than I would have put my own agenda first and made shopping for her dependent on her behavior. There is nothing wrong with consequences for acting up. Good job Mom!

Hi DVM mom-

In my humble opinion...you were 'perfect'!!

Some kiddos can be more relentless than others...but I guarantee you that if YOU persevere, she will get it! The rewards for you will be down the road...when she takes your 'no' for no!

I HAVE done (many times as I recollect) exactly what you did! Each of my 'olders' pulled something like this once or twice...and we ALL left...(to include leaving a grocery cart FULL on several occasions). The 'youngers' seemed to learn that mommy meant business!

The result was that I could/can take my kiddos anywhere!

Stay strong!

Best Luck!
michele/cat

I would have done (and did do exactly as you did).

Not long after this, this, or nothing got heeded and still does!

I wouldn't have taken her back to the store. However, I would have done the rest very similar to what you did. I would have taken her home immediately upon the start of her tantrum. We don't do tantrums. If you give in, she will learn that tantrums work if she is persistent enough. If you don't give in, she finds that they are ineffective. Which would you prefer? She also probably needs to be taught to be thankful. I would talk to her about thankfulness a LOT in the next few days. Being hungry, tired, PMSing, etc. does not give anyone an excuse for that type of behavior. Teach it to her now, very well, or you will have bigger problems later.

I think you did fine, and I probably would have done the same thing. It's easy to say what you could've, should've, would've done, but you kept your ground, and stuck to what you said which is the most important in my opinion. I agree with your husband as well, but still think you handled it well and taught her a lesson about her attitude, behavior, and getting new toys.

You did fine! The only thing I wouldn't have done was give her so much power and let her go back to the disney store. That was the problem. She should learn that once she picks it out, she is stuck with that choice. That prompted the tantrum. Also, bring snacks so she will have something to eat before you go and get lunch----GL

M

I would have done exactly as you did, and since "she is an EXTREMELY strong-willed child and getting the right message to sink in at times is really a challenge" my only suggestion (and I have to do it with my little guy who's not quite 2.5,) is to be consistent, no matter what. I know how it is!

For the next hair cut I'd tell her "We're going to go to the mall, have your hair cut, and leave the mall." Period, Don't schedule stops at stores (you can do that when she's not with you) or McDonald's, use one not in the mall. Malls offer way too much temptation for everyone, they're set up that way, so it's unfair to young ones to subject them to seeing (and wanting) everything.

I swore I just read my own words....exactly.
My daughter is 4 on the verge of 5.
You did exactly the right thing.
She probably was tired or hungry, etc. That is usually when these things happen for us.
I struggle with this all the time because I am the softy, not my husband, but I am learning to be the strong one now. It feels awful, but had you given in, they learn what it takes to break you. I am trying to rebuild right now and it is harder than had I done it right the first time. Keep following this and hopefully the behavior will stop.

You know what they say, hindsight is 20/20. I think you did very well considering how the event unfolded. Sure we can look back and think a different scenario may have worked better, but that's information for you to use in the future. At this point, No Worries. Now you can use this event to gently remind her there are consequences for her actions and how you expect her to act so you both can have a nice time out together.

I think you did the right thing. She got warnings to behave and did not and that was that. While sometimes it can be helped to have a snack, there are also times to just bail on the event.

I personally would have avoided the store but I understand why you went back. You were only going to get one and if she'd just taken the trade all would have been well.

She'll be okay.

I would have taken her home when she started whining about exchanging the toy and given it back ot her the next day, like your husband said. It was when you agreed to exchange the toy when the problems happened.

So, I would not have gone back to the Disney store. However, once there, I think you did the right thing to return her toy once you were there and she ramped it up. She needs to learn consequences. Giving her chance after chance and rewarding her for 'calming down' isn't going to work. So good job sticking to your guns.

I think you handled it very well, but I would not have given so many warnings. First, when we left the house, I would have informed her that if she behaves I MAY buy her McD's for lunch and we would go to the play area before coming home. If I decided to purchase the fan for her, I would never have agreed to go back to the store to try to exchange it - children need to learn to live with their decisions. Also, I think her getting you to go back to that store to exchange a toy she just picked out, lets her believe she s a bit in charge. However, once we got to the store and she started all those shenanigans, I would have done exactly what you did, however, I would not have had any discussions with her on the way home. Cry, holler, beg all she wants, I would not have responded in any fashion. Once home, I would have taken her by the arm, gotten her out of the car, taken her to her room and there she would have stayed - again no discussion. She's old enough to know that she acted inappropriately and now she needs to understand that that behavior gets her nowhere, not even a discussion with mom because that is getting mom's attention and she did not deserve your attention. She is wayyyyyyy too old to act like that!

I think you did the right thing. You gave her plenty of opportunities to make the right choices, and she chose not to. Four is definitely old enough to understand that there are consequences to your actions. Good job for sticking with your punishment!

I wouldn't have gone back to the store to return the item. Our rule is that once you make a decision you have to live with it. By chance had we gone back to the store and my child acted like this I would have taken her for a attitude adjustment. Now I just ask my kids if they need an attitude adjustment and that is all it requires.

You did exactly what I have done.

I agree with your husband on A, but not B. If you'd never gone back into the Disney Store, the meltdown would not have happened. No toy problems.

See, the problem started initially when you backed down. You told her at first that she needed to keep the Tinkerbell toy, but then gave in and agreed to exchange it.

So that kind of kicked off the whole mess.

I've dealt with this with my boys. As I tell my youngest, once the purchase is made, I'm not going back to change it. So pick right the first time around.

You warned her that she would get nothing you gave her an opportunity to make the choice. I think you handled it just fine

I guess I like to avoid power struggles and my 4 y/o frequently asking for thing he wants or needs to buy. So, this is what I do:

First and foremost, I offer sympathy:
"I know how much you want it, this toy looks so nice!"
Then I use the wish phrase:
"I wish you could have that, you can do XYZ with it..." And we dream on for a while.
Finally,
" I am so sad I do not have enough money to buy it for you. I really wish I could buy all the toys in the world for you".
By the time this conversation is over - he is done. We can also discuss further all the possible uses of the toy in question, fantasize some more about what we would do with the toy if we had it, or offer more empathy if I have to, even a hug if there are upset feelings or tears. But there is no struggle or resentment between us.

I think you did just fine! I could see myself doing the same thing. I think the only thing I might have done differently (and maybe I wouldn't have) was when she was telling you she'd behave good now, I would have said, "Okay, great, you'll have to show me that next time so you can get a toy." I probably would have not said a whole lot beyond that to her. Or told her more than once that her behavior is what caused it all (and maybe you didn't say it more than once). It's hard being a mom, isn't it?!! :-)

Another suggestion is that next time you do go, talk to her beforehand. Have a chat and ask her what type of behavior she should have in public. Word things so that she is doing most of the talking and answering (for some reason it makes them more willing to obey if they feel like they came up with the answers). Guide her if she needs help coming up with the correct answer. Ask her what will happen if she doesn't behave those ways. The answer could be that you will leave the store and sit in the car until she is ready to behave properly, etc. Then if she behaves well, what treat she can get (the toy). Just that sort of thing. But that way she'll know what is expected of her and what she can expect from you.

Wow, sounds just like my son!

You did pretty much exactly what I would have done, except for the giving her a chance to calm down on the bench. I would have marched her out of the store as soon as the whining commenced and gone right home. Yes, her hunger and fatigue probably did influence her behavior, but I would bet that even if you had just fed her and she wasn't tired, she would have whined to get what she wanted.

I agree with Cheryl--once the kid makes the choice of a toy and we pay for it, that's it! No exchanges at all, ever.

I would have done it your way to. I don't think you were too harsh at all! I was in the mall once with my son and husband and we pass a women with her little boy (who appeared to be around 4) she was pretty tall and was walking very fast, her son could not keep up and was whimpering (not crying or whinning) at having his arm pulled so hard. She started telling her friend that was with her that he son needed to be a man and stop behaving like a little b**ch or she was going to kick his a$$. It was horriable. I normally don't judge how other parents act with their kids because I am a firm believer that different methods work with different kids. but this lady should not have talked to her son like that. So no you were definatly not hard on her.

You did great!!! I think what you did was perfectly fine and showed good parenting! ;) My daughter is almost 4 and I could have seen myself doing all these things as well. Maybe you shouldn't have gone back to the Disney store, but whatever, it's easy to say that now! It may or may not have stopped the issue but you'll never know. You could have done what your husband suggested, but honestly, there isn't that much difference in the two methods. If you had done his 'B' suggestion I'd still think you were a good parent but I think your way sent a stronger message to your daugher. Hang in there. We all have moments when we feel bad or second guess our decisions, but I'm sure she's fine with it now and next time she'll probably need fewer reminders on how to make choices! ;)