My 7-year-old daughter is afraid of the dark. She is unwilling to go into a room at night without the lights on. She begs for me to go with her. I've tried creating a "tape" to play in her head (I'm brave, etc.), suggested taking a stuffed toy, tried getting the cat to go with her, said I would talk loudly while she goes to the kitchen and bathroom so she can hear me, told her to run to make it go faster. The stuffy helped, but she still refused to go into the kitchen to put a used dish in there. I feel I'm being cruel by telling her she has to face her fears and do it. Is there an age she will reach when this is all over? Or should I continue to make her do it?
Yes, she is too afraid to go to the opening of a dark room and switch on the light in that room. One room doesn't have a switch when entered from the bedroom hallway as well.
Would plug in night lights in each room help? I assume she has one in her room?
I would also say it's pretty normal.
So why don't you let her turn the lights on?
She wouldn't go into the dark kitchen to put a dish away... can't she go turn on the switch? I guess I am missing something. Most of our rooms have a switch where you enter the room, like, right there. The ones that have multiple entrance/exits tend to have 2 way switches on them... so it doesn't matter which entrance you use. My kitchen has 3 entrances and 3 switches, so you can flip the light on (or off) no matter which way you walk in our out. Most bedrooms and bathrooms have the switch just inside the doorframe.
So, why doesn't she just turn on the switch before she enters by reaching her hand around the doorframe? Is she too afraid to do that, too?
If that is the case, then I 2nd giving her a flashlight. She can trouble herself to go get it and carry it around with her until she decides it is too much of a hassle. But don't force her to go into a dark room if she is afraid. Let her turn on the light. Forcing her is making it into a bigger issue than it needs to be.
Have you given her the opportunity to tell you what exactly she is afraid of? Sit down with her, in the middle of the day when she is feeling calm, and ask her to tell you what she is afraid will happen in the dark. Listen and reflect back to her what you are hearing. Validate her fear even if you think it is irrational. Be very careful not to minimize or dismiss her fear. For her, it is a very real fear.
Do not try and fix her fear. Instead, ask her what solutions she may have for the issue. Let her give you at least three ideas before you give her any. Let her choose which ideas to implement.
Sometimes, all we need is the space to feel our fear, to really process the fear out loud in a safe, accepting environment, and then to be able to really look at possible solutions. Fears are usually greatest when we don't really face the story going on in our heads. Once you give your daughter the chance to tell her story it may lose some of it's power.
Also, once she tells her story, have her go to the next thing that would happen and then the next and then the next. Too often we stay stuck in the horrible thing that will happen rather than playing it all the way out until we understand that, no matter what tragic/scary thing that happens in our lives, life will continue and we can move forward and thrive.
it's an ancient, primal fear.
i'm glad never to have suffered from this one myself (my phobia of heights is quite enough, thank you), but it's no good trying to logic someone out of a primal fear. and not quite sure how 'run to make it go faster' is remotely helpful.
there's a school of thought that immersion will fix it, which it sounds as if you are trying rather haphazardly to implement. but since this isn't life-threatening i'd work with her rather than against her.
start off by putting judicious night lights around the house. i have owl eyes and can see in the dark better than most, but i have a night light in the main bathroom. why stumble over the dog or stub your toe if you don't have to?
i would also make a point of spending time outside at night with her snuggled up next to me, talking in soft, thrilled tones about the wonders of the night. not just the stars, but the velvet darkness between them. how the trees look against the sky, and the different qualities of darkness in the sky, the trees, under the trees, the ground, against the house, and so forth. i'd point out to her how having a flashlight is helpful for picking out a pathway in the dark, but how it makes everything around the pool of light impenetrably dark. i'd turn on a flashlight, then turn it off, and snuggle with her while we let our eyes adjust, and let her experience how well she actually can she when she sits quietly and lets the night vision do its thing.
but i wouldn't try to force her to walk around a dark house by herself when she's scared of it.
khairete
S.
I would give her a flashlight, or a bedside lamp.
I had a touch lamp next to my bed for YEARS. Even now, as an adult, I still have times when I feel uneasy in the dark... Only I have a cell phone to use as a flashlight.
Personally, I think you are being mean to make her go from room to room in the dark. I don't like walking through a dark room either. I am not afraid of the dark but of maybe stubbing my toe, or walking into something, or tripping on something ---- let the child turn on the lights or put ambient lighting around the house. Use cute little lamps that take night light bulbs and place them around the house.
Since I am single and live alone if something alerts my dogs at night and wakes me I want to be able to see if anyone is there without turning on a light. I also do not like walking into a completely dark house when I come in late, so I have ambient lighting in every room.
I'd give her a glow stick to carry in her hand, not so bright that she isnt getting used to the dark, but enough to make her feel better and holding it in her hand gives her more control.
My 7 year old GD is exactly the same way. She won't even walk down the hallway to the bathroom unless someone turns on the hall light first and then goes down and turns on the bathroom light she will literally stand in the doorway of the bathroom and refuse to go in unless someone turns on the light. Never mind that the switch is right there and she could turn it on herself!
I'm glad you posted this, because I don't have a clue either whether I should keep running ahead and turning on lights or encourage/force her to do it herself.
Ha! I'm still afraid of the dark and I know many grown adults that still are. LED nightlights in each room will help. I like the kind that have the sensor that turns the light off with the ambient lighting is at a certain level. Give her a break! We're all afraid of something....
