Daughter Who "Mothers" Her Brother Too Much

I have a friend who addressed this problem successfully. First thing she did is to remove any and all responsibility for her son from her daughter. She never asks her daughter to keep an eye on the younger one. She emphasizes to her daughter that mom is the parent and it is her job to take care of the children, NOT daughter's job. She is welcome to help with tying shoes, etc. But it is made clear it is NOT her responsibility. She has to be reminded on occasion, but it is working. Daughter and son have a much better relationship for it. Sounds like daughter could use some one on one time. Yay for her for being able to voice it even if it wasn't in the best way.

I agree with A M's suggestion for how to get her to stop mothering her brother.
As far as your daughter saying that you don't spend enough time with her...maybe she doesn't feel like the time spent with her is "quality" time. You could ask her what you could do for her to feel like you are spending enough time with her. Maybe she'll give you some suggestions.
We didn't have a lot of money when our kids were young, so we didn't get to go out to eat very often. What I would do for my kids is to have a date night and they got to pick the place. We have three kids so they would each get a turn. My mom did this with us when we were young and it made me feel special.
Good luck.

I too have an 8 year old daughter who has the same problems. I have stressed and stressed over it because we constantly are butting heads on something. She talks back to me (and daddy) very often. She too tells me that I never spend time with her (which I spend plenty) and that I never listen to her. So here is what I have done which has helped TREMENDOUSLY!
1. I did something completely out of the blue for her that was a complete surprise for her.

2. I have explained to her that talking back to me is not respecting me and that I deserve respect. I tell her that I respect her so she needs to respect me. It is a two way road.

3. We have scheduled alone time with just her. My hubby takes her out on a daddy daughter date and then several weeks later I take her for mommy daughter time. This is the most difficult because we have 4 kids so we have had to do it with all of them so they don't feel shafted.

4. When she is talking, I listen whole hearted even though I am completely not interested in what she is saying. I make myself be interested because obviously it is important to her and that is respecting her.

So there ya have it. These are the things I have done and it has helped. GOOD LUCK!!

I would send her to her room as soon as she starts bossing him. You have to let her know who is boss.

Don't have any stunning advice but I was just listening to a lecture that a psychologist was giving about patterns and birth order and he said that first daughters always feel like they want to outdo Mom, and that feel they can do things better, even replace her! As they grow they want to do things in their life totally different from their moms. Thought it might be nice to know that this is actually a pattern in first daughters and a gentle reminder or removal from the scene would serve her.

A child's perception of what's fair and what's enough is totally not the same as ours. First off, I am a big opponent to sending a child to thier room as a form of punishment. Their bed room is where they should feel comfort and safe so that they can lay thier heads down at night to sleep knowing that they will safely wake the next morning in a loving home. Then we send mix message in that, during the day it is a punishment room? From a child's point of view, this is mixed message. Since she's 8, try, as a form of punishment, having her write down what it was that was wrong with the way her brother was acting or what ever the situation was that she got in trouble for, or draw a picture of the situation. Have her do this for 8 minutes and once done then you can talk about it. While she is in this punishment, she can not talk to you and you should not talk to her. No communication. Use this as a time for you to calm down from being frustrated at her interferance and for her to be removed from the situation. Once she is done, then she'll have the one on one time that she needed from you.
Also, she probably does not feel like she gets enough time with you. Your thougt of what's enough is not the same as hers. But how about letting her earn some mommy and me time or daddy and me time? If she reads 15-20 per day for 15 days, then she earns a trip to the mall with you, or movie night when she gets to pick the snack and the movie, or she gets time to make dinner with you, or she gets to go on a long bike ride with dad, or she gets a friend to spend the night and you do a camp out in the back yard. What is it that you would like her to do to improve herself, then put that up for her to earn and then reward her with simple things that can be so special to a child this age. Pedicure time with mom, a facial in the bathroom when dad has taken brother or maybe if grandparents or aunts then they can take brother and she gets to be the "only" child for a while. Of course you'll want to go ahead and set up the same thing for brother too.
And what's the deal with everyone saying that we have to show them who's the boss? Really? No my children do not run all over me, but I am certainly no boss of them. I want them to feel like they are a productive contributing member of this family. Their opinion and suggestion counts, and I also have an 8 and a 5 year old and I am too 40 having been married for 9 years. Not asking the older one to help out here and there with the little one, is not resonable. We all help each other, we are a family. If they don't feel the sense that they can help each other now, then will they have a mature relationship when they are older? I often ask my son to help his sister when she's having a hard time with the computer or reading or putting on a tv show. Yes he does step in when she's sucking her thumb (yes, a dilemma that I can't seem to fix). But when he over steps his boundaries, then I ask him to move away or stop. Anyways, the point is to give the kids respect, just as much respect as you want them to show you. You respect their opion they will respect yours that much more. And they feel like they are contributing to the family. "None of your business" how would that leave that child feeling? Do you think thier intention is to...I don't know. So his family, his younger sibling is not his business? But it is his/her business when you need their assistance, bunch of mixed message for a child. Even as an adult that would be mixed message.

Ann and Tiffany have some really good suggestions.

Something else you might try doing as well is: When you are about to discipline your son, let your know daughter that you are aware of what her brother did and that you will handle it, (make sure she acknowledges what you said) and let her know that if she doesn't allow you to handle it, that she will get a time out/punishment. This will help her understand what your expectations are of her BEFORE she even has the chance to interrupt you.

You might also try talking about this with her at another time when you are not trying to discipline her or your son and you're not getting frustrated with her.

You should also keep in mind that she may be doing this for attention...even the negative attention. Try to be aware of (and maybe even keep track of) how much time (positive attention) that you spend with her and how much negative, and same for you son. You may find that you're not spending as much positive time with her as you think or that the time is out of balance with your son.

Dear Brenda,

To me, it sounds like your daughter is simply trying to emulate you, which is a sign of respect and love. Perhaps she is simply not "effective" in modeling what she sees. Or, her actions may drive you crazy because she is "too good" at repeating what she sees -- and to see "your actions" played out before you may hit too close to home. Perhaps you can get her a doll to "mother" at times when you are focusing on her brother. This situation is a balancing act, because you must simultaneously be a mother to both of your children.

Try "extra hard" when dealing with your son to provide your daughter with a role-model that will show her HOW to interact with a child; then, if she has a doll to act out her mothering skills on "her baby" you can praise her when she does well. Whether she has a doll or not, as soon as possible after disciplining or talking to your son, then you should talk to your daughter about WHY you are doing the things you are doing. It is your chance to turn each situation into a teaching moment. FOR EXAMPLE, you might say, "I had to ask your brother to sit quietly in time-out because he did not stop running toward the street when I told him to stop! The fact that he ignored me scared me very much. I am watching out for both his safety and your safety when I tell each of you to mind me. I love him and I love you. It is important for all children to LISTEN to their mommy & daddy, and do what we tell you." Remember that everything your daughter will do as a parent, she is learning from you right now in "the school of life."

Also, Brenda, and I say this with love: If you daughter "tells you" that you don't spend enough time with her, then you DON"T spend enough time with her. It is not up to you to agree or disagree with her perceptions. It is up to you to CHANGE her perceptions. Your daughter may be at a "needy" stage that requires 110% of your time and energy right now. "Perceived needs" are "real needs." So, if you don't deal with her needy feelings now while she is expressing them, her feelings might go "underground" and become the beginning of her withdrawal from you. NOT meeting her emotional needs at this time may facilitate the loss of closeness that a mother and daughter SHOULD have (I'm sure that you have read many Mamasource postings about just such consequences that have required years of effort, counseling and prayer to address.)

I know that it may be impossible to see HOW you can do it all, but somehow, I believe you have the strength to juggle the shifting needs of your two children and your husband. Next week, it may be your son who needs you 110%. On Thursday, it may be hubby who needs ALL of you. And yes, I believe that YOU will need 110% of your time, for your own care and well-being, upon occasion. The best way to do this is to LISTEN to your own and your family's voiced needs and respond "in the moment." All these needs must be juggled and balanced without dropping something important. One key is to understand that you CAN drop things of secondary importance which, for some women, include maintaining a "perfectly cleaned house." You must decide which things can "slip" (for a time, as necessary, to keep your health and sanity.) For me, a real source of strength and inspiration is the Bible and my relationship with Jesus. Through prayer and Scripture, He provides me with the Holy Spirit's discernment and guidance "in the moment." It is like having an extra set of hands and a calm voice speaking in my ear - Someone to help me when I feel I cannot do it all. Jesus said, "For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." (Matt 11:30)

The next 12-15 years will likely be some of the most challenging you will ever face. I pray that you and your husband are working in a partnership to meet the needs of each other and your two growing children. [And be THANKFUL that you have the privilege to be a SAHM, to be able to concentrate on these home and family issues without having to balance an outside job in addition.] Parenting is a hard (and relentless job) as you know. But it is one with so many dividends! You can be a very effective and accessible mom when you step back and think about what is at stake (and especially when you ask for God's help.) So, "Be of good cheer." [The KJV uses this phrase in Matt 9:2, 22; & 14:7; Mark 6:50 & 10:49; Luke 8:48; John 16:33 and Acts 23:11] Also, below are a few of my favorite verses that might help you.

Blessings on you and your family,
K.

Deuteronomy 11:13, 18-19 -"...if you listen obediently to my commandments which I am commanding you today, to love the LORD your God and to serve Him with all your heart and all your soul...You shall therefore impress these words of mine on your heart and on your soul...You shall teach them to your sons, talking of them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road and when you lie down and when you rise up."

Proverbs 31:10-31 - The whole passage describes a "worthy woman" and provides us with a pattern to model: "An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain...She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household...Her children rise up and bless her; Her husband also, and he praises her..."

Romans 8:26-28 - "In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us...and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

My oldest does this and it drives me CRAZY! I just tell him that it is my job to discipline and his job to butt out. Not his business. You need to get mean on this. She needs to understand her place in the family.

I tell my oldest in not so uncertain terms to mind his business, worry about himself and not his brothers and I am the mom.

Good Luck!

My daughter was the same way. She is 21 now but still tends to be bossy but catches herself now. Sounds like you have to do as I did love her into submission. I didn't ever want to bust my daughter's spirit but when they are high strung like that it's hard. Know that your daughter will always be a leader and this can be a really rewarding trait. You do need to let her know that you and your husband are ONE and are in CONTROL and that ya'll are the one's to discipline.

Hi Brenda,

I can completely relate to your situation. We have six children and my oldest daughter does the same. However, I know that her eagerness to "advise and/or direct" the others is partially attributable to me.

As the others came along, I always wanted her to feel included with the new baby, not overlooked, or left out. So she would participate with everything ~ baths, making bottles, picking out clothes, doctoring boo-boos etc. When she had her Kindergarten graduation, the teacher had predicted Samantha would be "a mom". Now at 14, she continues to do the same. If the boys disagree, she's there to referee. Homework, she's there to help.

I agree with many of the replies you've received so far. Here are a few things that we do in our home:

(1) Mom, dad, or both are the only ones who are responsible for discipline. I see that your daughter is actively trying to assist you with this. I had this happen too. Instead of punishing my daughter for what I view as her trying to be helpful and teach the others what we've already taught her, I would firmly let her know "I have this under control, but thank you." Afterwards, I would chat with her and let her know that I appreciate her willingness to help. I'm proud of her for knowing that what her siblings said, were doing, etc. was not correct. However, just as I taught her right from wrong it is my job to do the same with her siblings. I explain that coming from big sis it sounds bossy and causes friction between her and her siblings. They expect mom, dad, or another adult to correct them. Then I ask her how she would/does feel if/when her siblings try to tell her what to do. It helps to put things into perspective all while knowing her efforts are appreciated, but a little misdirected. Then, I let her know what she can do to help in other positive ways that I'd appreciate. I find this has helped to avoid her feeling like she is punished for trying to be helpful. It did take a few times & reminders, but she did learn to respect the boundaries we set. Once I asked her if she wanted to be a part of this? If so, sit down and I'll talk to you next or you may choose to remove yourself now. It was quite effective. Now, it rarely happens, but when it does she understands the "the look" and immediately removes herself.

(2) You also mentioned how she feels like she doesn't get enough of your time. I know how hard it is, especially when we feel like we're there for them all the time. So, as someone else mentioned, we have "Mommy & Me" days too. A day devoted to their wants and time alone to really connect with another. For example, we'll have lunch at a restaurant of her choice, get our nails done, and maybe shop for a new outfit, have an ice cream & walk through the park, go to a movie of her choosing, or whatever strikes our fancy that day. It's a GREAT experience for both of us! It really helps keep the lines of communication open and removes the need to compete for attention. My husband and I alternate, so everyone gets the benefits of having that time with both of us. He'll take each one of the boys one month & I'll take the girls. The next month he takes the girls and I take the boys, so everyone gets individual, dedicated one on one time.

Oh, and we don't always go out and spend money on our days. Another thing we do is get everyone else out of the house and we'll spend the day doing things around the house, organizing, decorating, and moving furniture around in their room so (1) it's clean :) & (2) it's special because we did it together!

Best of luck!

J.
Helping Moms Work From Home
http://www.4MeAndMom.com