Daughter Is Clingy

I DO know what you are going through, I've been there. I'm not a single mom, but she's totally mommy's girl and I didn't leave her for more than an hour for the first 2 1/2 years of her life. I couldn't. My husband was not available due to work for those years.

My thought is this: Maybe she just really does need you right now. How long has it been since her dad left the picture? Was she ok with separation before that? Does she legitimately feel insecure? Could there be anything at your parents' house that makes her feel insecure? How old is she?

Some kids are just clingier than others and it might take her a while to grow out of it. She might experience a huge surge of stress hormones if she's not with you for a while, which is normal in a lot of (even newborn) babies and young children.

I know it is hard and I know you need a break. In the four years of parenting my daughter I've never spent a night alone. She's super clingy and it has driven me crazy sometimes. But looking back at the times when it was really difficult, I'm glad I chose to stay by her side when I did and I have some regrets about when I did not.

Take heart in this: You're a great mom. She adores you.

How about a little daily "alone" time at a gym which offers child care? Good luck.

First of all, you're talking about a 4 yr. old. She isn't a mini person. She's a child. She still needs her mommy. Sounds like she just wants a little extra attention from you. I have 3 children. The oldest is 7, the next is 3 (will be 4 in Dec) and the youngest is 10 mths. From what I've experienced, I believe that security breeds independence. Make her feel secure. Don't push her away onto others until she asks to go. My oldest didn't sleep away from home (at her grandparents') until she was 3½. My 2nd child slept there when she was 2½. I waited until they were ready. Now, they're both eager to go pretty much anytime we let them.
My advice is to just lay off of her. Sacrifice your 'mommy time' for a little while. Spend that time with her. She'll get over that hump in no time.

M.,
I'm a single mom and do understand what you are going through... with my son there were some insecurity issues. When my son was small he was afraid that I'd 'go away' like his Dad - he had to constantly know where I was - when he spend the night I had to call him a couple time just to let him know (yes, there were times at first, I had to cut my outings short and get him but by coming back it reinforced that I would be there). It take lots of **repetative positive reinforcement**. A child is a gift not an inconvenience - don't get mad if you don't get to do what you want to do. Don't blame them for being a child and needing you. They are there to love and nurture... My son is now 14, independent and I am proud of the man he is becoming.

I would like to add one more ideas... (1) Have you thought about you BOTH spending the night away with someone... a girl's "slumber party". It might take a couple of times but it may give her some security at a different location overnight. Even if it is Gandma's and Grandpa's (2)It might be good to have someone her age spend a night with you a couple of times so she can see that other girls her age have no problems doing this.

Don't push, Make it fun, Make it safe, and Be available at a drop of a hat.

Hope this helps.

R.

Dear M.:
Perhaps you can start with small steps. Leave her for 5 minutes (say with your parents) and say that if she cries, you will have to do it again, but if she is a good girl, that's it for the day. Then try 10 minutes, 30, an hour, etc. on some other days. If her dad is gone, she may be afraid to lose you. Time does not matter much, she needs to know THAT you are coming back. She needs to be convinced that there's no chance of you bailing on her or dying or whatever led to her dad being gone.

Send her to her room to get something or put something up (like a book) and deliberately stay behind in the living room. Reinforce that you will be there when and where she expects you. Likewise, you could go to the mailbox or trash can (assuming it is not far) and ask her to stay in the house for 1 minute. Be sure to hurry. Each time you show (which should be each time) she gets more comfortable knowing that you keep your word and that she will see you again.

Start the sleep-overs at your house, and likely a friend invites her over in return. The first few times expect to have to pick her up, so don't go far. Encourage her attempts.

Regards,
W.

Hello. I am new to this page, but hopefully this will help. My younger son was a mama's boy and i could not leave him with anyone for the simple fact that he was breastfeed. When he got older and would cry like that I would ask him to take his favorite toy and movies. I did this with my other three except my 2nd oldest loved he grandmother. Well he took all this stuff and when it was time for me and my husband to leave he was very occuppied with his stuff that he didn't realized we were gone until it was the next day. Til this day I have to do it with my oldest.

I am sorry,but I disagree with Allison. It sounds to me that you give your daughter alot of attention and just need some time for yourself. There is nothing wrong with that and your children should never make you feel guilty. You revolve your life around your kids,but to a degree...I know this is going to sound mean, but being married with 4 children (now 12,7,5,3),I have learned you have to do what you have to do! I have gone through this several times, I would want to go out with my husband for some alone time or whatever for the night and would drop the kids with my parents. I would always have one crying or throwing a fit. My parents love our kids dearly, but my Dad would just deal with it, as he said eventually they will stop "go enjoy yourselves and see you tomorrow". Now the point is you yourself need to let it go,but on the other hand you need to find a strong willed person to watch her with this attitude. It sounds a little mean, but you need your time. It's like they say "tough love".
If you want her to be a strong independent woman it all starts now. Sometimes kids need to realize they have to do things alone without mommy or daddy...Once you break her from this she will be off and running. You will be amazed, even at 4 years old.
Go enjoy yourself!!!

Maybe if she had a little friend who could go with her to visit at your mother's house she would enjoy staying there longer. I bought my 5 year old a Dora the Explorer playhouse that has a carrying bag and it is easy to take anywhere. She absolutely loves it. That would be something special that she could take to Grandma's and set it up inside the house to play. She would really enjoy it. God bless and I hope things get better so you can have some special time to unwind.

Can your parents watch her in your house? My daughter is fine with family at my house, but let me leave her at someone's house...
Also maybe if they came to get her so she was leaving you instead of you leaving her.