Dating Issues

I COMPLETELY disagree with the idea that the more you tell him not to go out, the more he will (I've seen what those kids do). He is THIRTEEN years old, and YOU are the parent. It is absurd to use that mindset for that age. If you do that, then you are saying that he is the one in charge. You and your husband need to first get together and find some middle ground because he'll play you two against one another if he knows you disagree. This is the age group I teach, so after being around them every day for years, I can say that I hear things and see things, and they just want some ground rules. No, they may not like them, but this is the time they test your boundaries to see what they can or can't get away with. If you let him tell you what he's doing about dating right now, then oh my goodness what will he do when he's 16?

Having said that, you also have to let him feel like he is the one making the decisions. For example: you could give him the choice of continuing to use his phone (which probably has all the cool features) as long as he's not contacting those girls or receiving calls/messages from the girls OR you can get him one of those other phones where you program who can and can't get in touch with him. But it's his choice, and you could give him maybe a week to decide which he would prefer. The thing is to make it not sound too authoritative because this is the age that they really want some independence as well as to know that you trust them. He is no longer a child, but he's not grown up yet. He needs something to show that he is his own person. Just let him know that it is really cool that so many girls find him so interesting, but he needs to understand that you are only concerned about where it is going. Maybe if he wants to have a few of his age friends (boys and girls) come over and hang out, they could do so in your view so that he knows you're still all for him having friends and fun. There are just limits to what he can do with his friends.

Kids are doing things so much younger now that I would have never dreamed of and it's scary, so this is the time to set your limits, let him know what they are and stick to them but not in an "in your face" manner if that makes sense. I hope this helps, and I commend you for standing firm on what you've already told him. way to go!

My 15 yr old has a cell phone because of his activities. I don't think kids should have one unless they are driving or are in an activity that they need to be able to reach you. His plan does not include text messages. I keep his charger downstairs, at 10 pm it is plugged into the charger in the kitchen so there are no middle of the night calls. I had a phone call from some girl at 2 am for him on my house phone. Sorry, but if you call my house that late at night you better be bleeding or dying. She got more than an ear full, and she is still afraid to come to my house. The girls have been very aggressive and chased both of my older boys. My 12 yr old came home really upset when some girl cornered him and tried to kiss him. Things have changed a lot since we were teenagers. But, getting text messages and phone calls from girls is a very normal part of growing up now. Odds are it's why he wanted a cell phone in the first place.

However, if you trust your son enough to have a cell phone, you have to trust him to be responsible. Part of his responsibilities are to not use the phone to the point of you getting extra charges on the bill. Not to be on there all hours of the day and night. Not to be calling 900 numbers. And what ever other rules you see fit.

It is more important for you to let him know what you expect of him when he does start dating than to worry your self sick over a bunch of dumb girls and a telephone. And if you want him to trust you enough to talk to you when things get really hairy, you have to trust him now. Part of that is telling him what you expect, and letting him handle it unless he needs help.

Tell him the house rules... our bedrooms are upstairs, there are no girls allowed upstairs. I expect you to be polite, and have her home on time and treat her like a lady and only date girls that will grow up to be ladies, no creepy slimy hairballs! No hanky panky, no getting in trouble. He is more likely to hear these things if you tell him now, than if you wait until you are annoyed with him to tell him. He is also more likely to talk to you if you ask him about the calls 'What? That girl again, gross! What does she want NOOOW???????? Doesn’t she understand you’re not interested? ' It will get a much better response than, 'cut that out! don't talk to those yucky girls'.

I think the more you say he can't go out, the more he'll find ways to go out. I also think it's fine to have a "no dating until you're ___age" rule, as long as it stands for all children in the household. Set the rule, explain the boundaries, then stay out of it. Phone calls are not dates, so it seems permissable.
Setting limits on dating might not rule out group events, going to the movies with friends, etc. I know some families that don't allow one-on-one dates, but do allow group outings.
Maybe change your perspective on it and think of it as an opportunity to teach him how to be responsible in relationships, how to treat girls with respect, etc.
You might have a conversation with him to apologize for getting in his business, let him know that you think he can use his good judgement on who he spends time on the phone with, tell him you'll be happy to be the "bad guys" if he ever wants an excuse for not talking on the phone, tell him the house rules on dating, tell him the consequences for breaking the rules, then let him go.

I like the Firefly phone idea.

I definately think you are right on for calling the girls. I would have called their parents as well. My parents would have KILLED me if i ever called a boy. I hated it growing up but looking back i am so thankful my parents wanted such high standards for me.

Try watching the videos "Bringing up Boys" by Dr James Dobson. It sounds like your husband REALLY needs to watch them!!! It's great! you can borrow mine if you like.

if the situation is harmless (depends on what they are saying to him) i do think you should stay out of it somewhat.....pay attention, but don't go so far as to calling the girls....that's pretty overboard!! he's at the age when flirting starts, and kids get "at school" boyfriends and girlfriends...you can't keep him bottled up, talk to him about this....you can't command him not to like girls, or them not to like him!

I would let it happen reason being is because you want your son to be able to come to you and talk or ask questions for advice but if he is getting in trouble for it now as innocent as it probablly is he is going to keep things from you and his personal life you so want a part of you wont have because you single handidly caused the mis-communication and lack of trust. I would think unless there is a reason that has arose I would let him have some privacy and learn to establish opposite sex friendships and in the future (a few years) maybe a commited young puppy love relationship

I have to say I do understand your situation but you calling the girls is (in my personal opinion) overstepping a bit. If you don't want your stepson to have girls calling then you need to deal with him about it - they offer cell phones that allow only certain numbers to go in and out. Your stepson really needs to take some responsibility as I doubt the girls got his phone number by accident - he or one of his friends obviously gave it out. It may sound harsh and I do not intend for it to be, but quite frankly if your stepson is going to have the responsibility of having a phone then he should have the ability to act responsible with it.

I think it is wonderful that as a parent you are watchful over your step-son. However that is such a difficult age to have parents stepping in, especially over dating issues. I agree with your husband that you should generally stay out of it, just be sure you KNOW what is going on and where he is at all times. The limited use phones are great. I don't think it is such a great idea for you to call the girls. He needs to take responsibility himself. Good luck. I dread my son reaching that age!

Good for you! I really feel it is our responsibility as parents to clearly state our guidelines on this stuff, and be willing to follow through & enforce our rules- with love, but as the parent. Our girls will do no dating until 16. Early daters are statistically more sexually involved earlier, and all the mess & problems that can go along with it. I bet those girls about wet their pants when you called!

You can also go with one of those new cell phones that only allows certain in going & out going calls that you specify...Firefly, I think is one. They have them at Target.

Good Luck!
D.

I don't have a teenager so I'm just shooting blind here. Although I agree that children should have some freedom to make their own decisions and mistakes, I also believe in allowing them to do that at appropriate times. You wouldn't let you child watch a movie that was too scary for them to handle until they were old enough to know it was fake. Likewise, unless you want a teenager who delves in sexual activity and disrespecting women, I'd take away the cell or have one that is limited (prepaid or one that you can only call certain people.) This may cause him to get creative but reinforcing what you do with what you say and visa versa, it may go a long way in showing him you mean business. How wonderful that he is popular and social! That's not what you want to put a stop to, I'm sure. I think he's a little to young to play "dating." I think you are right that it needs to be controlled and that he needs to focus on some other things, like school work! And God bless you! 5 kids!!

I have 4 girls ages 18, 16,15 and 5. Let me tell you a lil bit bout dating. lol seriously, i found if you try to force them not to do something it will back fire on you and they will want to do it even more. and they will do it, only behind your back. i let my girls have boyfriends at 13. The boys could come over and hang at the house but the girls could not go to the boys house. i would take them to the mall and stuff but never unsupervised. i dont agree with your husband when he says stay out of it. I think you should be all in it but do it wisely.
hope this helps a lil.
K.

Hi T.,
I have a 13 year old girl and she is in the 8th grade. We have put boundries on her. For example, we give her an hour on the phone and computer every night. On the weekends it is longer. This is provided that she has her chores and school work done. It took us about a week to train her friends. They now know that they cannot talk to her until 7 pm. Her dad and i just answered the phone and told her friends that she cannot talk until 7 and that they could call back then. I do have to hold the cell phone until then. I do not allow her to answer the phone until it is her time. I also do not let her go "out" with any boys. If she spends the night with with a girlfriend I talk to the parents and find out what the evening activities are. I don't allow her to be in any boy girl situation with out some adult that I trust present. There will be no dating until she is 16. I talk to her alot about trust and choices. She is able to make alot of her own choices. We sat down as a family and talked about what she wanted and thought would be fair and what her dad and I require. We came up with the Phone and computer at 7 pm and she can earn more time and some extra privilages on the weekends. We also put in there what she needs from us within reason. We have to follow it also. We made it into a contract and both signed it. She follows it mostly very well because she had a say in her own rules. Don't worry about the "going out" it is just at school and as long as they are not allowed alone time with a girl then it is what they are going to do, whether we like it or not. I hope this helps you, it is normal for them at this age to suddenly find socializing. but it can be done with boundries and respect to the rest of the family. Good luck I know how you feel.