Daddy Doesnt Help Out Enough

Ok, first of all, you need to consider if what you are getting out of this relationship is worth what you are going through staying in it.

That is all for now, D.

S.,

I have read your other posts, and it's clear that you are in an unhealthy situation. If you tried relationship counseling for a year, I am surprised that nothing has changed and that you still think there is something you can do about it. You are LONG past the point of being able to say anything at all to him that will change him. You are NOT being selfish at all, regardless of what he and his parents say. But you are in an emotionally abusive situation with his treatment of you and his parents' treatment of you. You need to absolutely make plans to take care of yourself and your daughter, since there is nothing to indicate that your husband plans to do this. He makes no money, he doesn't lift a finger except to help his big allies, his parents, who enable his behavior by employing and housing him and treating you like garbage. These 3 selfish people do not have the values or the love that you and your daughter need.

There IS no compromise possible anymore - you need to accept that and move on. Your husband is immature and trying to get you to leave by cheating and by making your life miserable. I cannot fathom why you "appreciate" him - he does nothing. He buys diapers and wipes? That's NOTHING. I think the issue is that you still love him, and you can't get past that. You have a dream that he will become a good husband and a devoted father, but he is not doing anything to make us all feel that the dream is at all possible. You are also feeling financial dependent on him or his parents, but that is imprisoning you in a very unhealthy situation. The older your daughter gets, the more she will notice her father's absence from her life. And the more she gets into things, the more she will irritate him without naps being a possibility.

Get counseling for YOURSELF to make a plan for your future. It might make sense to try another counselor since the last situation didn't leave you with any strategies or any relationship improvements. Take advantage of job skills training that offer child care, and take legal action to get child support. As another post said, if your husband is cheating, there are (or soon will be) other children deserving of his support, and you need to be at the head of the line for this. As a wife (or ex-wife), you have rights.

There are free counseling opportunities through churches (you don't have to be a member but find a denomination that is close to what you believe) or through grad schools or medical schools that offer counseling degrees. Contact your local department of family & child services (whatever town you are in), find out about shelters and subsidized housing and SNAP (supplemental nutrition assistance program - formerly called "food stamps"), find job training programs that offer child care (call the state employment & training department), and consider moving to another state if there's one that offers better programs. There is absolutely nothing to hold you with this man and his parents.

I know you probably want us moms to tell you some magic words or "compromise" you can suggest to him, but it's clear that there aren't any. There is nothing left to say or propose. I'm sorry to say this, really, because I don't think it's what you want to hear. But my stepdaughter went through what you are going through with TWO different men who either abused her or cheated on her, and left her with 2 children. She is their sole support and she took advantage of every avenue I've suggested to you. She now owns a small house and has filed for child support through the state. She was young too but she has now grown up the hard way. I hope you won't wait as long as she did. Good luck.

You've got a difficult road ahead of you. I've read and agree with many of the responses. You need to do what's best for you and your daughter. I'm not saying that leaving your husband is the only answer but I do think that you should be aware that it might be in your (and your daughters) best interest. Would you want your daughter learning by direct example that this is how a husband and father should act? If you want better for her then you need to ask the same thing for yourself.

He is the one being selfish, irresponsible and immature. Having a child means that you both have equal responsibility in her care and upbringing. I especially agree with the suggestion that he (and possibly you as well since then it is something that you could do together) take a parenting class. I'd also suggest getting him involved in local daddy & baby activities. I don't know where you live but here in Vermont the VNA offers free playgroups, parenting classes and daddy & child activities. If your husband refuses to go and comes up with persuasive responses then he leaves you no choice but to move on. There are free and affordable services that can help a young mother and her child. I encourage you to ask around and get informed.

Oh honey! Your letter broke my heart. You are not selfish. You are a young mother and when you are married (and even when you are not married) and you have children with someone, it's a partnership. You need to reach deep down inside of you and find the strength to put your feet (yes both of them!!) down. His behavior is inexcusable and please don't make excuses for him by saying that he buys wipes and diapers. He's supposed to. He's a father and a husband. Once he starts school, it's just going to give him even more excuses to not pull his weight. Try and talk to an older adult in your life who will se things from your perspective and give you support when you talk to him. Sounds like he may need an intervention. Good luck to you.

My heart goes out to you as you are in a very difficult situation. Not only is your husband not being an absent father, he is not a faithful husband. To be honest this is not a healthy environment for either you or your daughter and you should not accept that. Personally, you need to get out of the situation. You need to meet with a family law attorney to understand your rights regarding alimony/maintenance and child support. I hope you have suportive family and friends to help you through this. It sounds like the apartment is a good situation for you and your daughter so he should be the one who moves out. If he honestly shows no interest to your daughter it is probably best he does not be around her much. My husband did not understand how much work it takes to take care of our daughter so I would leave him with her for several hours at a time on the weekends to work out and go shopping and he quickly learned the amount of work it is and grew to appreciate what I do. Since my husband works fulltime and I'm not working at the moment I'm 100% in charge of her during the week (Sunday night through Friday day, particularly for night feedings). He is primarily in charge of her Friday night through Sunday and I help him out. However, my husband loves our daughter very much and know she is in safe hands. Maybe you should hire someone to help you out. I'll say a prayer for you. Best of luck.

You are only 19 and he is only 19. You are dealing with a child. You both are soooo young. Please get some marriage counseling NOW!! you do not deserve to be treated like this. You deserve to find a person who will be your partner in life. Marriage is a partnership. You are not being selfish. He is being a selfish kid. He has a lot of growing up to do and so do. Please seek some outside help to increase your self-confidence and self worth. You've posted before and I am really surprised you are both still together. You say you "appreciate" him ... for what? What does he contribute? Doesn't sound like very much ... what he gets the wet wipes and diapers? Seriously? Is that all you expect of him? Please, expect more!! Much more. He should be willing to put everything aside for this little girl. He should be willing to lose sleep for her to sacrifice for her. He is her FATHER!! This does not sound like a healthy relationship. For everyone's sake including your child, you both need some professional help and parenting classes of some kind. Even if it will just get him more involved and improve your confidence and self-esteem. Good luck.

edited: Congratulations on your new journey!! I am crossing my fingers that things improve for you and your baby and I commend you for your bravery. I know things will be tough for a while, but really, you are doing the right thing!! You need more from a person than what he is contributing. He contributing nothing but negativeness and stress to your life. He is immature and it may take years for him to grow up. I don't think he can contribute anything right now. Good for you for sticking up for yourself and your child!! May you have a happier healthier 2010.

Dear S., In reading the responses of others I would strongly suggest you find a local church and speak to the pastor there. There are homes for young mothers out there to take you in. A separation from this family may be what you need to take an objective view of your skills and your situation. IF you are dependent on his family, who treats you and your daughter badly, these are what people call 'red flags'. There is alot of assistance around for young women in distress. Seek it out and utilize it. The Catholic church may have the most connections and help for you, but if you have any association with another denomination, you can go there.
You might want to consider if the words: "I don't feel safe there." are true and use them. Perhaps a child crisis center might be another avenue.
Good luck dear, we know you want to do right by your daughter.
Clare W
LiveTotalWellness.com/Arizona

Daddy doesn't help because you do everything. He is probably at a loss as to what to do, so it is just easier to leave it all up to you. If daddy is going to school, you might also suggest parenting classes. If his parents are also involved in your life, perhaps his mom could help to convince him that your child is not just your responsibility. If you are willing to do it all, most men will let you.

Don't take this the wrong way but why on earth did you go back to him after you left?! I've read your other posts and I know you might feel alone and all the other emotions that go with leaving someone but seriously you deserve much better and so doesn't your daughter. I was in your exact shoes when I was 19 and for some reason I went back to the jerk twice before I came to my senses and my oldest and I are so much better off with out him. I have a lovely hubby and we have another child and he treats Aaron exactly like his own in fact he calls him Dad and his biological dad by his first name. Given his behavior I am sure if he does get visitations that aren't supervised that his parents will provide most of the child care just like my ex's do.

S.,

You are both teenagers! Without any life experiences yet. Now that you have a infant did you think he would change. He is still a teen also. One of you has to grow up now. Take parenting classes now and counseling now. You need outside help to get your life together. Are you in College also, you should be preparing your self for the future also. You probably qualify for help with babysitting so you can go to school. All the bickering and fighting is not going to help you both at all. Get help. Take care of yourself and your daughter. I wish you nothing but the best in life because you and your daughter deserve a good life. Your the only one that can make that happen. Do not wait for someone to make you happy, make your own happiness !! Become a strong successful women.

D.

I don't even know where to start. First of all, you are NOT being selfish! You two need a lot of counseling and he should definitely take some parenting classes. Unfortunately your husband sounds very immature. Once he became a father he should have stepped up to the plate but he has not. I strongly urge the counseling. If he doesn't go I would start worrying about what is best for you and your daughter. If the situation doesn't get better there will be a lot of resentment. And as your daughter gets older it will be heartbreaking for both you and her if he isn't showing her the love and attention she deserves. And YOU deserve to have a husband who loves, appreciates and respects you-and that is what you want your daughter to see. Be strong and hold your ground. Do you have a support system? Are your parents near by? It is hard being a parent and if your spouse isn't doing his part then it'll make it harder for you to be as good as a mom as you can be.

Good Luck

Hi S.,

My suggestion would be to just talk to him and let him know what you are feeling explain to him that sometimes you just need a break and he should help out a lot more at this time while he isnt going to school you tend to her all day and sometimes you just want to relax for a minute while he takes care of her. He should also be building a bond with his daughter at this time. You arent being selfish at all if you are taking care of her all day while he isnt doing anything. Just talk to him and tell him everything you explained to us and hopefully he will understand and start to help you out. Hope this was helpful and good luck

You have begun growing up for the sake of your child. Your husband is resenting your child because he does not want to grow up yet. So, are you going to raise one child or take on two? You can't make him or wish him into growing up. It has to come from him, and some men take a long time to grow up. If he's cheating on you, how many half siblings is your daughter going to have? And he'll run away from them again every time a new baby comes along, start up with a new girlfriend until she gets pregnant. Maybe in his mid 20's he'll mature. Maybe in his mid 30's. Maybe never. At any rate, you've got to be the Momma, AND you need to secure child support from him for your own daughter before any others queue up for pieces of whatever income he may earn. Try family/marriage counseling. It might work. It's going to be a hard road no matter what happens. You also need to work on your education/job skills so you can support your family in case he doesn't work out. Good luck.

Quick question, is your husband scared about this whole parent and marriage thing? He may not have a clue what to do. Some guys can be coached into participation and become great parents; others simply have no intention of being involved because they are not emotionally involved--either with the baby or the relationship. Sounds like a frank talk is needed between the two of you.

At first glance, he does not seem fully invested in this whole situation. Was this a mutual decision to become parents and to get married? Or was this marriage in response to a surprise pregnancy? If the latter, does he blame you for any of this? Even so, is there strength in your relationship that has yet to be tapped?

Obviously, it takes two to tango. A girl doesn't get pregnant on her own, lest anyone forgets this detail. But also, this day and age, there is plenty of birth control to prevent surprises if that is the mutual decision. And birth control can be used by both men and women. Obviously an abortion was not the route you took. Was that a mutual, truly mutual, decision to have your daughter and to get married?

If you know he is cheating on you, that is one thing. If you simply suspect it, then a frank talk is in order with him...and with yourself. Actually, either way a frank talk is in order.

My niece got pregnant at 17, married the boy, even though he was getting another girl pregnant as well. It turns out my niece purposely got pregnant to try to catch him. (Regardless of her actions, she is no dummy. Her mom is a doctor and her dad was an engineer. She knew about birth control. She told her mom later on that she got pregnant on purpose.)

So, my niece "caught" him and he married her, but in the long run it didn't work out. They had two beautiful girls, the second of which she gave up for adoption because it was clear he was not invested in the relationship in the long term. A family member on my side adopted the second. My niece later left her husband and divorced.

To make a long story short, there are all sorts of reasons why young couples work and don't work out. Some of it has to do with what went into making the decision to become parents and to get married or whatever order they come in. But that's true of any couple at any age.

My brother and his wife got married at 20 and are still together after 37 years. But it wasn't sex or a baby that led to their decision to marry. They made a wise decision in choosing each other and they were in tune with themselves enough to believe it. After 10 years or so, they started a family and those kids are now in grad school. So, youth in itself doesn't doom a relationship as some might think.

Yes, parenting works best when it is a partnership. So does a marriage. It's not essential...but it sure would be my choice.

When the two of you think about it and talk about it, what hopes and dreams do you both have for the future? I applaud your husband for going to college, even with a little one. Do you have hopes and dreams of that, too? Working together can help you both go far, if you work together on it. But it sounds like a lot needs to be discerned between the two of you to make sure you are going in the same direction. If both of you are not going in the same direction, it's a hard lump to swallow, but it's the way life goes sometimes.

I don't have any answers. But it sounds like you two need to talk. Best of luck.

Sweetie I'll apologize first off for sounding so blunt, but seriously why are you still together? You've posted in the past about how his parents belittle you and berate your parenting skills, and now you're saying about how he's cheated on you,yet you stay? You're very young to be stuck in such a dead-end relationship. I've seen this so many times with young girls such as yourself throwing your life away waiting for a boy to change.
He is her FATHER!!! Getting diapers and wipes for her is his responsiblity, not an option. And if he wants nothing to do with your first child together, this is not likely to change if you have more children together in the future. You may need to sit and take a long look at the situation that you're in and ask yourself if its worth putting in so much effort. You say parenting is a partnership. And obviously your partner is not pulling his weight.
Good luck.

HI. I have to say that it is hard for some men in the begining. My hub didn't want anything to do with my twins and had a hard time coming to terms with it. My hub started acting out because he wasn't getting any attention from anyone. Everyone was concerned about the babies. So I think he is feeling overwhelmed with everything. Maybe sit down with him and let him know that you are feeling overwhelmed with everything as well and that if you work together as a team you may not be as stressed out. Help him learn how to take care of her. My hub finally came around with the kids when they turned 18 months. When they started walking. But now always thinks the kids should know better and they are 4. So it is still a strugle with us. Good luck to you and enjoy your baby before they grow up fast.

J.