Dad Didn't Call Me When He Took 3 Year Old to ER...Need Advice

I hope you'll forgive me for being a guy and reading this forum... but I learn things, and as the father of two children with my now ex-wife, it may be helpful to you if you let me share a dad's perspective on this situation.

I applaud T. for all she's done to provide for her son, in what sounds like some difficult circumstances. I don't know if you're getting child support, but getting legally-required monetary support from Dear Old Dad may help make your life a bit easier and your son's life better.

Regarding this situation, with me having read most of the comments below...

- Yes, it's a head injury, but golly -- two stitches? That's about as close to nothing as you can get in terms of what they had to do. Probably could have been handled in the doctor's office by a nurse, instead of an ER visit. (And I will admit that some head injuries that do NOT require stitches can be life-threatening.... but I suspect that you as moms are normally pretty good at figuring out which is which, and taking the appropriate action. Give Dad some credit.)

- He didn't call mom until after they were done in the ER. Moms, this is Dad, teaching his son something about how to grow up to be a man, instead of a neuter. BOYS NEED THIS FROM THEIR DADS. Please encourage this when you can. It would not have been the same had mom be there. Yes, even I can say that it tugs at my heartstrings to know that your son asked for you.... but understand that the dad time -- even (especialy?) in a minor "crisis" is very, very important.

- You might not have thought you'd over-react, but your ex's perception of you and how you behave may be far different than your perception of how you behave. If you want to 'fix' this, you'll have to learn to see yourself not as you want to be, or even as you are, but as HE sees you... and unfortunately, that's all wrapped up in the reasons you two got together, and then got un-together, and the fact that while he may love his son, he may resent the fact that his son is an unbreakable tie to unwanted interaction with you. Stephen Covey has a principle for getting to 'healthy' in situations like this: "Understand [the other person's point of view, wants, and needs] to be understood". You don't have to agree, support, or want the same things, but you have to understand the other person's persepctive in order to get what you want.

- As a guy -- but not knowing your ex -- I'll guess that you'll get more and better responses in the future if you support him in the part of the situation he handled well ("I'm really glad you did what you needed to get him to the doctor and make sure everything was OK") and ask him to let you know sooner when there's a situation that's this bad or worse. That *may* not get what you want -- but I can pretty much guarantee that demands *will* not. Your calm support for what he did right will help him realize that calling you would not have been as nerve-wracking and unpleasant as he feared. Your acknowledging what he did right will make it easier to do more things right in the future.

I can assure you... that if all you do is criticize, all you will get is behavior to criticize.

Best of luck to you. You sound like an exceptionally determined woman who's driven to succeed. I hope my comments have been helpful.

You are doing a great job of being both a responsible mother and a responsible adult. I'm proud of you! I would also be upset in this circumstance. He should have called you even if he did think that you would arrive at the hospital hysterical or judgmental. Because that is the responsible thing to do. I suspect that one reason you two are not together is at least in part because he is immature and in many ways irresponsible.

That said, the mature and responsible way for you to act is to remain as calm as you can in these sort of circumstances and to never be critical of him and his parenting ability to his face. I'm guessing that he's experienced your judgment and lack of acceptance and there may be a kernal of truth in his perception of your reaction if he called you. It is human nature to manage situations so that one has the least amount of stress. Not calling may have been a good decision on his part if it's likely that you would have arrived angry and critical of him and his mother. It may have been a good decision if his own reaction to having you there would have been for him to be angry and critical of you. Having this happen to his son must have been very upsetting for him and he may not have been able to handle his reaction to your reaction no matter how reasonable it was.

I don't know how you and your ex-boyfriend get along but it sounds like it's not very well. You resent that he has so few days with his son and in general seems to not care about his son as much as you do. And it may be that he doesn't see his son more often because he runs away from responsibility or it may be that he doesn't want to deal with you. It could be that no matter how reasonable you are he feels stressed in your presence. Or ????The only way that you'll know what is going on with him is to spend time talking together in a calm, respectful manner.

It sounds to me that possibly you and your ex are in the midst of going around and around in anger. It sounds like you both want the other person to be different than what they are. You want him to pay more attention and he wants to protect himself from what he perceives as your attacks on him or his feelings of guilt when he's with you. I may be way off base but this is a common pattern for couples in your situation.

It is normal for you to be angry that he didn't call. He should have called.! I agree with you on that. But he didn't call. Now what can you do to encourage him to call if there is a next time?

As difficult as it will be, I suggest that you find a way to sympathize with him over his not calling you. Tell him that you are hurt that he didn't call and that it did make you angry. Actually you could tell him that you're still angry. But be calm and use a reasonable tone of voice. Describe how you feel without attacking him. Use "I" statements. Tell him you want to work out a way with him so that this won't happen again. Then the two of you talk about it without judging the other; by accepting that each of you is doing the best that you can do.

Agree with him that you probably will get "hysterical" if there is a next time but that you will not berate him. Tell him that you must know when the son you have together is hurt. Tell him that your son needs to see his parents united in taking care of him. And then agree for both of you to work on having better acceptance of each other and better communication.

I suggest that both you start counseling and/or read or take classes on how to improve communication. If he won't, you still do it because it will help you and your son for you to do so. It would be ideal if the two of you would go to counseling together so that you could learn how to co-operate in parenting the child you have together.

You are obviously a mature, responsible, and caring adult and mother. He may not be any of those. Definitely not a mother. smile You may have to be the one who takes on the mature and responsible role without his co-operation. It is worth it for yourself and your son to learn how to remain calm even tho you're seething inside and how to manipulate the situation so that the outcome is more to your liking.

Often, the word manipulate has a negative meaning. I'm using it in it's positive sense. We have to do some things to get other things. Because you wanted (to have a secure financial future?) you sacrificed, worked 3 jobs and got a college degree. You are able to discipline yourself to obtain your goals. In this case, you want your son's father to be more involved with him and you want him to share important information with you. You have the ability to find out how to reach that goal with or without his co-operation.

Hang in there. Your son is fortunate to have you as his mother.

I can see both sides of this.
I'd say the priority was to deal with the emergency first and get the child treated. Your ex did that and gets points for being a good daddy.
If it were my son, I'd want to know right away about an emergency room visit. My style of handling emergencies is very low to no drama.
I've seen some mamas who carry on to the point where I'd like to slap them across the face to stop the hysterics and get the child looked after.
Screaming and wailing and hysterics by a mother does nothing to calm the child, and it's the child who's hurt.
I don't know anything about your emergency responses and you might be very level headed but your ex just didn't want to deal with you.
Since you share custody, you need to keep communications with your ex as open as possible. Talk with him calmly about this. Tell him he did great in getting the boy taken care of and thank him, but if there ever is a next time you would appreciate being told as soon as possible. You'd like to be there for your son to comfort him and not to yell at Daddy about the accident. I've seen people jump in to bring up all kinds of old baggage and place blame. Blowing up now would only reinforce his reasons for delaying calling you if anything like this happens again.

Loved your update. It can't be easy. I am child of divorce and even though my dad deserved every hateful word my said about him, it hurts me deeply to have anyone trash my dad, or my mom for that matter. I sure hope in time you can both learn to trust each others roles and parents. Even with intact families, they difference is men and womens parenting styles is vastly different.

He is FATHER of you child. He did call you.
You basically just trashed you sons father on the interntent for doing nothing more than any parent would do. He got minor medical care for you son and called you when it is was done.

You are a mother, of course you were going to be emotional about it. But your emotions and mambear feelings, does not mean what he did was wrong.

Honestly, I think you are overreacting here. I realize that you are used to being the "better" parent, but your ex took care of the situation in the best way possible. Now if he hadn't called and let you know when he was done and just let you find out when you picked your son up I would understand, but he got your son prompt medical treatment which is what this situation called for. You can't berate your ex for being an uninvolved father and then get mad when he does stand up and take control of a situation. Kids fall down, it happens. While the injury wasn't life threatening, your son needed stitches. I don't think calling you would have helped your son, other then to panic you. I am not trying to be harsh and I am sure you are a great mom, but this isn't something to be upset about. Be happy that your ex was able to handle this situation the right way and give him some credit for doing what was best for his son. Honestly I think you are just so angry at your ex for the past (and rightfully so) that you don't trust him to make any good decisions. While you have reason to be leery, this is counterproductive and will never get your ex to step up---he will keep living up to your expectations. Just my 2 cents.

First, I am on your side. They should have called you right away.
Falling and hitting your head could be very serious.

He is a man and you two no longer live together, he lives with his mom and his mom might have told him to just take him to the ER and they might have both wanted to wait to call you because they think that you would have came and taken over the situation and made him feel like he could not handle it.

???????????

Only your Ex knows why he didn't call you right away. Sit down with him and CALMLY tell him that it is very important that he calls you sooner next time something happens. Let him know that you do and will have the same respect for him as the father.
Don't freak out on your EX, because the two of you need to work together for a long time to come.

Have your EX do something with that stone fountain, so that your son does not get hurt again.

* Congratulations to you for having earned your college degree and worked three jobs at a time to pay the bills. You are doing a great job.

God Bless your little ones head.
Take care and try to relax and get some rest.

I am sorry but if he knows you will only be dramatic, I would have waited also. I can see how you would be pissed though to. Because being a mom you worry so much about your children. You start this off with how much time he spends with his son how much time you spend with him. Look at what you have accomplished!! You should be proud of your self. Stop dwelling on things you cannot change. He is the dad and sees his son when he can. I am sure your son adores his dad. You should just keep doing what your doing because your a good mom. Getting along is so much better believe me I know. If your bickering all the time at him your wasting some good breath. It will only benefit the growth in your son to see you both acting like mature adults. Then god forbid if anything ever happens again you will be the first to know. Good luck!

i absolutely would be pissed too, and from a mother's perspective, someone should have called you right away. wonder why they wouldn't? doesn't make any sense to me, BUT, i know when i've taken my son to the ER, you get wrapped up and hours can go by before you take a breath. give him a little credit, at least he took him in. and they did call you, they didn't wait till you picked him up. if the two of you don't get along i suppose i can see why he wouldn't want you interfering. but he wasn't thinking of his son, who undoubtedly would have wished you were there. poor baby :(

I would have wanted to know also, but if you have joint legal custody, he may not be required to let you know about these things, I don't know the legalities and you would have to contact your attorney about that. Your ex may simply not think it's a big deal. You would have let him know if it happened when Drake was in your care, but dad doesn't think it was a big deal and it would have been fine with him if you mentioned it simply at the next visit. He may just be doing things in his way and not understand why you would want to know at the time that it happened. He must feel that the parent whose custodial time it is deals with the injury or illness. Sadly when you have a joint custody or visitation schedule, there are things that you will miss. You are a good mom and your son knows that you love him.

Sorry, but I think Kimmy is totally wrong here. I am divorced and if my son has to go for any kind of medical treatment, we call the other parent RIGHT AWAY. That he was with his dad or his grandma is no excuse- particularly if your ex does not have physical custody of your son. He's just a little guy and would most likely have found the whole situation less scary if his mommy had been there. I think your ex and his mom were thoughtless, and did not put your son's feelings or well being first. It would have taken only a minute to call you- whether you would have been 'hysterical' or not, that would have been the right thing to do.

It doesn't sound like you are getting child support, etc. from this guy. If you are, you should write up an agreement for how this kind of thing will be handled in the future. It can solve a lot of trouble beforehand. good luck dealing with this and I'm glad your son is ok!

Regardless of the situation between you and your ex, he should have called since you are the primary guardian.

It sounds like there is a lot of deep-seeded tension, anger, resentment between you both, and soon, your son is going to start picking-up on it.

I hope for your son's sake, you'll be able to figure out a protocol for staying in communication when his well-being is at stake. Is it possible you and he can have a conversation (absent his mother) in which you can agree to certain things like calling when he has to go to the hospital?

Good luck.

DOWN KIMMY!!! Yikes. Disregard that post!

You are RIGHT. You are the primary care giver and it is his responsibility to report any emergency or injury to YOU. He screwed up. Period.

if something EVER happens to that child you need to know immediately, i don't care about primary guardian...you are his MOTHER!!! you have the decency to contact the other parent if something were to happen. I would sit down and have lunch or something with your ex and let him know, hey we aren't gonna be bff's i get that, however we do have a child and i don't want him in thie middle of all this tension. i have my relationship with him and you have yours and all that is fine but when it comes to co-parenting situations you and I need to work TOGETHER. this issue with him not contacting you can be as serious as taking it to the courts especially if he isn't being compliant in your other custody agreements. however let him know you don't want to do that, you would like to TRY to be friends and really listen to what eachother has to say without jumping all over eachother and is he willing to do this as well for your son??? the worst he can say is no, then look like a prick anyway, but at leat you know you gave it a real go, one day your son will know and understand all of this and recognize who tried to keep the peace for him or not and really appreciate you for it. trust me i have experienced this.......good luck to you!

He should have called you on the way to ER and that he would stay in touch with you. Sounds like the 2 of you don't quite get along and you upset with him. Don't know what your custody is but i'd think you want the primary living with dad taking him every other weekend. and sounds like that's what you 2 been doing. If you want more time to yourself, then you need to enforce the current custody order but what will that accomplish? Think long and hard and remember you'd be upset about the stitches no matter when you were told.

Sometimes it is better to know after the fact. From your comments and tone above, it sounds like you would have been hysterical (understandable, since your child had a head injury).

Relax. You don't have to know everything that goes on with your child when he is with his father.

Hi T.. Congratulations on your college degree. I love it when women get ahead in life regardless of their circumstances. He is irresponsible when it comes to keeping you informed. Who has sole custody. If it is you then you might want to consider taking him back into court for supervised visits only considering he doesn't call you in an emergency. Unfortunately you are not alone. He needs to grow up and stop depending on MOMMY for living arrangements. He is 42. Act it. Good luck. It seems that you are dealing with 2 children not 1.

L.

Yes he should have called you. My son was in a sledding accident and hit his head and knocked himself out. I rushed him to the hospital and on the way I CALLED MY HUSBAND. I never thought not to call. He is the daddy and as such he needed to be there as well. We were lucky, our son had a concussion and was released several hours later but my husband was there.

You two need to sit down and talk. You need to get rid of the resentment you have toward your ex. I know its easy to get pissed. You went to school, you work your butt off and you are a mom. Not an easy road you are going down and I admire you. Some women would have just quit but you didn't. Good for you! You are MOM and it is your job to make sure your little man is okay. The mama bear comes out in these times. Just take a deep breath and explain to him what you would like in the future. If he objects, explain that this is not negotiable. Good luck to you. This probably won't be your last trip to the ER with your boy!

Ok, Granted, Dad didn't call. Dad doesn't seem like a great guy or even a great dad. Looking in from the outsiide, what I see is that he panicked and took the kiddo to the er. If I had (and for all intents and purposes he is) someone elses child in my care my first thoughts would be OH SH*** I need to get him to a hospital and at the hospital he was sitting there biting his nails I am guessing. And then when he knew that all was ok, the thought OH GOD I NEED TO CALL HIS MOM popped into his head. I am sure this was no vicious plan to not call you. Really. If he see's his kid only 65 days a year, it was panic, not anything else. Cut him a little slack, he did call you when they were leaving the hospital.
I totally understand I would be pissed too, I am totally not taking his side, but just pointing out the other side of the story, being the devils advocate if you will. I am so sorry that happened though.

from the above paragraph (meaning i dont know you)...i would not have wanted you at the er either!!! i only say that because of these sentences "He does not follow the custody agreement because he is busy and works, so he sees him two weekends of every month and that is it. That translates to him having his son with him only an estimate of 65 days a year while I have him around 300. SInce Drake (my son) was born I have earned my college degree and worked sometimes three jobs at a time to makes ends meet. Whenever something happens to Drake I call his father and everytime he has chosen not to come be with him."
that has nothing to do with the situation of the couple of stiches. i agree with you in thinking you would not be hysterical...but for some reason i could imagine you being very angery with your ex about him hitting his head and i picture you in the er agnery and yelling at the ex...not any type of calm situation. thats just my take on it.

I too would have been pissed. I have had to go through something similar with my son's father and told him that he needed to give the courtousy of letting me know when my child was injured. Whether you would have ben hysterical or not is not up to him to decide he still should have told you about it. You have informed him or previous injuries, he should do the same. Not doing so is childish and vendictive. Minor cuts fine but hae to have stitches he should of thought of your son and called you. He was being selfish by not telling you. You probably already have but you need to sit him down or over the phone and make it clear to him that no matter what disagreements you have or whether you like each other or not you are still parents and need to act like it. As many times as I have really disliked my ex we still treat each other with respect when it comes to our son. Sorry if I am ranting but either way he should have told you.

I think you should keep in mind that the main concern was getting your son the attention he needed. I understand your frustration, but the important thing is that your son was taken care of. Remember, it is sometimes difficult to think about calling the other parent, when you are anxious, excited, and concerned about the outcome.

Have you ever thought about the fact that the reason his father may not come when you have called in the past, is that he believes in your decisions, and thinks you are a responsible and caring mother, whom he trusts to make the best decision for his child.

It is always good to take a step back and put yourself in the other persons shoes. Although, from your description he may not be your ideal co-parent, it appears that he is making an effort to actively participate in your son's life. I just recently attended a parenting conference and the statistics show an astronomically postive affect of fatherhood involvement in a child's (male or female) life.

Don't everyone harp on Kimmy. One good thing about this site is getting advise from one another and she gave hers which were her feelings even though most of it do not agree with her. She is right that atleast he took your son to the ER which he should have done but it was absolutely wrong of him to not notify you. I am also a little surprised with his mother's reaction because if it had been one of her children and this happened to her she would be upset as well, however this is her son so therefore she is not going to say he was wrong (mistake!) It is not a matter of whether you would go crazy or not and personally any mother would be a little "nuts" under these circumstances worried about her child and feeling her childs pain. That is normal but what is not normal is not having the courtesy and maturity to make sure you were notified and could join them at the hospital or at least give you the option to let him handle it. Had he called and you didn't show up then he would be barking at you how horrible you are etc. I strongly suggest like I have told my daughter a hundred times, keep a record of all of this as it may come in handy in the future if some custody battle should arise. He is bond to follow the court order and if he does not then it could harm him in the future as far as visitation etc. Hang in there and be thankful your son was not seriously hurt which I know you are thankful and also be thankful that your ex did the right thing by taking him to the ER but do not let him get away with his behavior. You have made it known to him that you were to be notified and hopefully this won't happen again. Congrats to you for going on and getting your degree and improving your life. Your son will be very proud of you when he grows up. It appears you are trying to do what is best for you and your son and it is a tough road but you will reap the rewards. Don't worry about what your ex thinks of you or how you might handle a situation, you are you as we all are and it doesn't matter how you are or your ex is when it comes to caring for your child. Tell you ex you will not tolerate this in the future. If you are firm in your demands he will come around if he is smart. Good Luck to you and I personally feel you did the right thing by getting upset that they didn't call you.

I agree with Anne A. You over-reacted. He did call you afterwards. I strongly feel that the issue may be more about the father and you not soo much about the situation with your son. His father did respond to your son's accident. Put yourself in his shoes, would you have called him on the way or during the ER visit or just wait until afterwards given the fact that it was minor? Give the father some credit. There's many fathers out there that would not have taken care of the situation and would have instead just called the mother and have them handle it as he did want to be bothered with it. Not a great a father then but your son's father did and so back off of him a little. You need to find a happy medium for your son's sake or you will have bigger problems in the long run.