Dad Asking You Moms Advice on Custody, One Week/one Week

J. I cant say for myself personally but I have a very close friend that has two girls- she has 50/50 with her ex husband. They have the only "working divorce" I have ever seen. The girls are perfectly fine with 50/50 they change parents on Wednesday- she dropps them at school he picks them up that way they get weekends. There have been sticky moments-" I left that shirt at dads, or my paper at moms" but they work it out.
As with all custody it depends on the parents if they are still "friends" and open communication any situation works,

My friend growing up did this and he loved it. It made him feel less "trapped" in the middle because he didn't spend more time with one parent than the other. His parents also made it easier by having entire wardrobes at each house. It's a little more expensive, but he didn't need to pack once a week to go to the other house. Also, they lived close enough, and the parents were civil enough that it wasn't a big deal if he had to go to the other house every once in awhile, even if it wasn't his week at that house. I think the trick also is to have the same parenting styles. If he is constantly going from extremes week to week, it could create a lot of unnecessary problems. Good Luck. I've never been in this situation, but 1 week/1 week always made the most sense to me.

My sister and her ex do 50/50 and it has worked fine for ALL of them.. I think what helps is that both parents live fairly close to each other, the schools they attend are both in the same area.

In the beginning the problems were mostly the Parents. My Sister and BIL were just awful to each other. If he needed to ask for her help, she chewed him out for changing the "agreement".. Then if she needed help he would just ignore her requests.. Then when he got married, she did not want the kids to attend the wedding even thought he kids LOVED the new wife.. Finally I had to remind my sister, "what are you going to do if YOU remarry and then HE will not allow the kids to attend your wedding?".. She finally backed down on that..

Here are the good things
The kids have their own rooms at each house.. If they leave something at the other house they are close enough to go and pick it up.. like school work or books.. They have learned it is their responsibility to stay organized.

We all live here in the same town, so if BIL needs my help or My mom or Dad, he is welcome to call us.

The kids friends can visit at each home, even spend the night, because they also all live close by.

The kids are now old enough that we also can get to them. My neice became very ill so BIL called my mom for help. My nephew needed to go to the dentist for braces, so we all helped both parents taking and picking up..

Bith my BIL and my sister can attend all of the performances, spots and other events without it being so far away.

As a child of divorce, her is my request.

No matter what happens, try to keep the grown up conversations to yourselves.. Do not rant or vent to your child about the other parent. Your child will always love you because you are their father.. and she will always love their mother, because she is their mother. When you speak badly about the other parent, you are forcing your child to defend the other.

I am sending you peace. Oh and, Congratulations!

My father and his ex had two children together. She moved out of their family home and divorced our father. She found a place just a few blocks away. It was in the same school district. What they would do is have a rotating schedule. What I mean by this, and hope you can follow, is the girls would say wake up on Sunday morning at my dad's. Then by 6:pm Sunday evening they must be returned to their mother. They would stay with their mother until Tuesday at 6:pm, where they would have to be returned to my dad. Then my dad would keep them until Friday at 6 pm. He would return them to their mother. They would stay with their mother until 6pm Sunday evening and then must be returned to my dad. This allowed them to have equal time and equal weekends with both parents. They were able to ride the same school bus, so their school routine was not interrupted. I hope this makes sense. One thing to note, they hated going to their mother's because it was not the home they knew, nor did she make it easy on them. Please make sure you are open with your son and let him know he has two homes. I hope you ex does the same for him.

I hope this makes sense and helps!

A week on week off plan is a little much for a 5 year old. Look into plans more like a 2/2/3/3 or 5/5/2/2, both are equal (50/50) parenting plans but minimize the time spent away from either parent which work better for younger children. There are more transistions with both plans but once everyone gets into the routine they work fairly well. There are a whole group of articles and reports available on different "age and stage development" parenting plans which I'm sure you could either google or go to www.courtinfo.ca.gov and search their database. Best of luck to you!

I don't have any advice I just wanted to say that we don't hear from many fathers and I wanted to applaud you for taking responsibility and loving your child that much!

I am a step-mother to a 15 year old daughter - I met her when she was 3 years old. My husband and her mother split very early just before she was a year old. The schedule was Mon/Tue for dad and Wed/Thur for mom and then every other weekend until she was the age of 12. Both parents thought it would be good to see her more often without a break. The pro to that schedule while she was young is that we were able to see her more and establish rules, routines and things like that. However, it was back and forth a lot...but at a young age it seemed to work. As she got older, the back and forth was too much. We love the week to week schedule now. She is more picky about clothes and things so she pack her bags now from house to house. Before she used to just have a set of everything at each house, but now she can't be without her fav jeans :-) We run our house pretty different than her mom does, but it still works. Unfortunetly we rarely get a long with her mom, we have made the week to week work out well. Let me know if you have any more questions - I feel like an expert.

Hi J.,
My oldest son's BF does this and is a very well adjusted young man (all 12 years of him). His parents seperated when he was a llittle under 1 year and so he has been doing this awhile. Both parents, and his step-dad are all in the same city (About a mile between homes) and it works great. Everyone gets along, treats each other nicely so the children (there is an older sister) have the best of both worlds. They see each parent equal amounts, both parents are at all events, "outsiders" are made to feel comfortable because there is no hard feelings so everyone can all be together and not feel weird.
The key (I'm guessing since I'm not actually involved other than picking-up kids every now and again) is repect and communication. Always treat his Mom with respect and keep communication open. Work together towards raising a happy, healthy child even if you are in seperate homes.
Best Wishes!

It really depends on the child. We did an every-other-day 50-50 at age 5 and 6 and it didn't work. It really messed her up, spending a different night in each house. On the outside she seemed okay because she adapts easily but she became really confused on time and days of the week. It's like she had no control over what was going on so she gave up.

It takes her about 1 to 2 days to get back into the "routine" of each house because our homes are so different. Mom and Dad are on great terms and we even do many family outings including both sides of the family. So we do a week at Daddy's, a weekend at Mommy's, then the rest of the week at daddy's. The only reason a total 50-50 didn't work is she doesn't like mommy's house and prefers to be at our house. Still, mommy gets 4 days in a row.

I say absolutely try a 50-50 one week/one week. Give your child a while to adapt. I think "chunks" of time at each house are much better than flipping back and forth.

Bravo to you dad for being a loving father!

In my honest opinion it is harder on the child to move every week. They have no sense of where home is. They are continually being uprooted away from their personal belongings and once they start school it becomes even harder.

My recommendation is that one place be full time home and the other have very liberal visits. There is no reason adults cannot both attend activities and sporting events and share the life of their child without cutting out the other parent.

My ex and I get along fine. His wife and I went to high school together and she is an awesome woman. I have even spent the night in their home on occasion.

I have no experience w/ 50/50, but I wanted to say I think you are being a fantastic dad by being there for your son.

Live as close as you can, walking distance would be best. Make sure he doesn't have to pack anything except his school work and a lovey if he has one. Each house has to have it's stuff. Always allow contact w/ the parent he is not with!!

i grew up with 50/50 until i moved to central america with my mom, a midwife, which my dad fully supported, then returned for jr. high where i lived with dad, then high school with mom...this was due to living in different cities and countries, otheriwse it would have stayed 50/50.

having both my parents was amazing - doesn't matter how you do it, just do it. i never lost my father when my parents split which is so common, sadly. it was hard sometimes with school, and leaving things behind at one house when i was at another...but it works itself out. the most important part is that you are there for your child and for the mother, to take care of your responsibility and to be a significant part of your child's life, with all of the joy and challenges that brings. i am proud of you for staying when it would have been so easy to leave and "come home." and when the child gets older, maybe you can "come home" with him and spend some time in fresno, just the boys.

take care and good luck papa!

In general, I think you should work out an arrangement that allows you to be involved in your child's life with minimal discord between the parents. If your ex is amendable to you picking him up from school and dropping him off there to begin/end your weeks, that might help. Sometimes the buffer of school allows the child to transition from one house to the other. If you and your ex can do drop offs amicably, then do that, too. Make sure your son has his special things in your home, too, since they are equally "home". But you might already know that. I would discuss with your ex things like schooling and homework and activities so that you're on the same page.

For 5 years old... he'll be in school. Routine is important, so why not consider 3 weeks with Mom and 1 full week with Dad? Summers can be all Dad to make up for time not spent alone with each other.

Most children I have known and experiences shared about - they did not do well with uprooting themselves so often - and it was for the non custodial parent's wishes, not the child's wishes in how they were shared. You must also remember - just because you felt you loved a 50/50 sharing between parents and actually coped well with the constant moving about - does not mean your child will be the same.

Majority of children have one parent they feel more in tune with, comfortable with, as their main caregiver. Whomever this is, should have majority of the time together.

I personally have no personal experience with 50/50 has I had my son full time with his father not typically honoring his every other weekend visits.

My niece does 50/50 and never seems settled but some of that my abe the parents' lack of structured lifestyles.

I have heard of parents whose kids stayed in the family home while the parents moved between the family home when it was their time with the kids and their own apartments/homes when it wasn't.

Good luck to you.

I don't have any experience with this, but I just wanted to give you a hug for putting your child first! {HUG}