Overall, my mother-in-law is tolerable when she comes to visit. We've had our disagreements in the past but we get along and make an effort to "agree to disagree". I realize my husband grew up with different manners and customs than I did when it comes to family members and treatment thereof. My husband was somewhat close to his mother and is even moreso now that his brother passed away recently and it's just him and his mom left on their side of the family. You're probably wondering where am I going with this. Okay, so here it is.
Tom's family was up visiting for the holidays. First, it was just his mother for Christmas and then his son (my stepson) and wife and kids came up New Year's weekend. Since we are moving in the near future, we decided to go ahead and invite a few neighbors over for New year's eve since it will probably be the last time we all hang out together. So needless to say, I had a houseful of guests over for cocktails and dinner on New Year's eve. So I was cleaning and cooking everything. I had pulled in one or two younger folks to help me out a little but essentially, I was juggling several things to get it all ready in time.
Maybe it's just me but at my house, I thnk when we're all sitting down to a meal at my table. I think that my husband should sit at one end of the table and I should sit at the other end of the table and all invited guests sit in all the other seats. My husband's mother seems to think differently. She has several times insisted she sit at the other end of the dining table from my husband. the only time I "denied" her was the New Year's eve dinner. I've let her all other times though since she is a guest and I usually always let my guests do what they want and/or make them feel as comfortable as possible. My husband always goes along with whatever his mother wants so I'm pretty much on my own when it comes to stuff like this.
At any rate, I was wondering how other couples handle things such as this.
It's interesting to see/hear how others' in-laws do things. I realize this isn't an issue for some for various reasons. I grew up with my mom at one end and my father at the other when we all sat down to dinner. We rarely had company over but when they were over, no matter who they were, the seating at the ends of the table never changed (mom & dad at the ends).
We are moving to NC before the next holiday season (Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year's) so I don't think it will even be something to deal with considering we will be almost 2,000 miles away from my MIL. At any rate, thanks for everyone's input!
Quite frankly, I have never considered this in my entire life. I'm no country bumpkin, mind you, but a very casual person so this would never cross my mind. This would not bother me.
I'd rather sit next to my husband than way-the-heck at the other end of the table. Best of both worlds - you sit with hubby & she's sitting far away from you :) LOL
Imagine that your mother-in-law just passed away. What are your memories? Did she die knowing that you loved her and would sacrifice for her? Did you let her sit where she wanted to show her that you wanted her to feel important or did you put her in a place that showed that you were more important? We recently had a death in the family so this is forefront in my mind. So many things have moved to the trivial "pile."
I hope she will still want to make the 2,000-mile trip to visit you.
Really? Heck in general seating is a free for all. About the only thing that annoys me is when an adult seems to think their child is special and should sit at the adult table making an adult sit with the kids.
I was raised the head of the house sits at the head with wife next to them. If the paternal father is still alive he gets the other end with his wife next to him. I am not a traditional kind of gal but I was raised in the traditional manner. My grandma took the head when my grandpa died. Perhaps that is where she is coming from.
I prefer to sit next to my husband :) I put our parents at the ends because the chairs are more comfortable.
I'm with you - me at one end and hubby at the other with guests in between. It would annoy me a bit if my MIL tried to take my spot.
Well, luckily for me we have pretty much nothing to do with my in-laws so handling things like this just don't come up. If they did though, I'd like to think that I would handle them the same way as you. I'm curious why she feels that it's her position in the traditional wife's chair when she's in your home...? I see on this site a whole heck of a lot that the men in these scenarios never want to cross their mothers (again, I'm so, So, SO thankful for my own situation) & I've always found it a bit weird. It's your house. Yes, she's a guest, but she needs to respect you as well.
My MIL always thought that this issue was extraordinarily important. Thanksgiving was at her house, and the seats on the ends were occupied by herself and her husband, my DH's stepdad.
After the stepdad's death, my MIL talked about the seating arrangements for meals constantly. She also was the type of person who enjoyed having symbolic or real power over others, so she placed my DH at the other end, and made a big deal to the rest of us how we weren't the ones in the seat (including her two other children and ILs).
I also have had a Danish friend explain to me how upset she was when her SIL insisted on sitting next to her newlywed husband instead of their tradition of sitting next to just about anyone other than one's own date.
Life's too short for this kind of stuff.
I don't host big dinners so it doesn't matter to me! I have never been all that formal anyway....
Dh sits at one end and I sit at the other.
That being said, I am tired of hosting, esp. when people are clueless about passing food. Don't serve yourself one thing without passing and begin before others have served themselves. Our table is not round and we don't have a lazy susan! Really.
Buffet next time for the clueless.
In a formal setting, yes, the two heads of the household, wife and husband sit at the opposite ends of the table with guests filling in. Sounds like your MIL is trying to establish control. I would have an issue with this.
what? really? your mother in law deserved to sit on that chair...i mean to say on the time out chair for asking such a thing. after she is done with that your husband should go into the doggy house :)
A funny consideration, if you don't have to deal with such. Sorry.
My mother-in-law (89) always puts name-plates at each seat indicating
who sits where. She usually lets me decide, but she usually wants her
DS to sit at the head. You could put all the fun people at your end and
have her be responsible for entertaining her end of the table.
Just a thought. Head of table usually leads the prayer also. Just another
thought.
If this is a precursor to more demands in the future, I think I would fight it.
Sorry hubby's not onboard.
Frankly, I don't think it matters where everyone sits, as long as the hosts make the decision. The "head of the table" is for the "head of the household" and after that it is up to the host/hostess. That is why dinner parties will have name cards designating the seating... the host(/ess) has already decided where everyone will be seated.
If you want to let her sit there, fine. But if it is where you would like to sit, then she is a guest and should be told where to sit. That is how it is supposed to work. I tend to choose to sit wherever it is more convenient for me to get up for things from the kitchen, lol.
ETA: Jo W, obviously knows her stuff. :) I believe those traditions come from the ends of the table being places of "honor", which is why I think the host/hostess should decide who sits there. :)
As a guest in someone else's home (ANY one's home but my own) I always wait to be seated until the host/hostess has given some direction about where to sit. There is a verse in the Bible that specifically references this very thing (though it is a metaphor)... Something along the lines of: it's better to be seated last, than to seat yourself and be asked to move for someone else to take the place of honor.
I can't relate to the MIL issue because my in-laws never visit our house except for maybe a few hours every 4 years or so, and it never works out that they're there for dinner. If it were me though, I'd ask her what she wants to drink, fix the drink, and set it wherever I wanted her to sit.
I grew up the same way you did though, with my parents sitting at the heads of the table and the kids filling in the middles. At my "formal dinners" (which are rarely THAT formal with two kids under 4 years old), my parents are usually with us and I set my husband at one end and my father at the other end. I'd rather sit next to my husband anyway.
Good luck on your move. (I LOVE North Carolina!)
