Crying It Out? - Morrison,CO

Hi there,
Have you tried reading the book “No Cry Sleep Solution?” I believe there is one for toddlers as well. We had a ton of problems with our 2 year old not sleeping and used a couple of the things from this book and he’s awesome now.

I think that if a kiddo is crying they usually need something. Left to cry alone teaches them that their needs won’t be met. You can do more to teach them to get to sleep on their own, but it takes time. Just take deep breaths and know that it will pass soon. Ahhhhh sleep! Good luck :)

I don't think she is making herself puke so you come to her... I would continue to help her go to sleep if I were you or have your husband help. If she's crying in his arms, that's one thing but if she is left to cry, that's not really the part of the brain you want her to be nurturing.

im a mom of two and i went thru a simillar thing with my 2nd child. well first of all going to see her when she puts her fingers in her mouth is one of your first mistakes. she is asking for attention and she knows she is going to get it. let her cry it out. she will get tired and stop and continue with other things or fall asleep. she will do this for a couple of days so prepare your selfs for this. and laying next to her crib is another way saying to her that she can have what ever she wants. have you tried cutting her naps to 1 1/2. maybe that helps to get her to sleep or try tiring her out before bed. you need to put your foot down and stop going to her for everything she is testing you out. let her cry and i know you might want to go to her seeing her or hearing her cry but hang in there dont go shell get over it.

Hi M.--
I didn't read the other responses, but this is what I would say as someone who has a degree in child development. Your daughter is not old enough and does not have the brain maturity to manipulate you back into her room by trying to make herself throw up. Emotions at this age can be taken at face value---if she's totally freaked out and throwing up it is because she is totally freaked out and it is making her throw up. She does not understand why you are not there to help her as you have done it her whole life. She does feel like she is being abandoned and she is definitely in the stages of separation anxiety, which peak around 18 months and die down between 2 and 2 1/2. Some children do okay with crying it out, but from the sounds of it your child is not one of them. You actually could be causing more damage than good by forcing the issue because it can make her afraid to go to sleep which will completely defeat your purpose. I understand being the only one who can put her to sleep---both my sons are that way. I love the time I get with them, though, because it goes so fast. I do understand your frustration, however. I would go find the book by Tracy Hogg---she is known as the baby whisperer. She has a book called "The baby whisperer solves all your problems". In it she discusses more "friendly" ways of teaching your baby to sleep that will be easier on everyone. I know you are stressed out and want this to be done, but it really sounds like crying it out is not going to work for your daughter, and therefore it won't work for you either. If it does get better it could be because she has given up on you and it often hurts the trust between mother and child and causes insecure attachment issues. I know you would not want that.
Good luck!!!!
J.

I agree with Maria- she will get over this quicker than you think, if you can stick to your guns. They are so smart at that age! They figure out quickly what gets a response from Mom, and have no qualms about going there! I think it helps if you calmly explain to her every time you put her down how this is going to work. Will she understand everything? Not necessarily, but they do understand more than we realize. And if you continue to explain it to her beforehand, I think it will help her process and accept it more quickly. Good luck, and hang in there!

I'm so glad to read you've backed off the cry-it-out thing! It breaks my heart that so many moms think that's the only way to get their babies to sleep better.

The 'No Cry' book some have mentioned is really good (there's a section on weaning from binky that might help you) but didn't fully work for my DS1. So I found another called 'Good Night, Sleep Tight' by Kim West and Joanne Kenen. You might find some good info on the web site, too: www.sleeplady.com. After 15 months of rocking/nursing my son to sleep, I *gently* got him sleep right through the night...11 hours straight!!

It didn't happen overnight (took a couple of weeks) and he did cry a little bit, but the difference is that I was right there to comfort him as he got used to the transition. And if he went fron fussy crying to upset crying I could just pick him up. :) I really like that the information in this book is tailored to your baby's age/developmental stage.

Best of luck!

The book Good Nights has a 10-night sleep solution that does not include such crying and vomiting. It actually includes parents helping/teaching baby to sleep through cuddling, back rubs, etc--but to where they actually are sleeping without waking in about 10 nights. The goal is the same, but the method is gentle. It can be found on the website www.breastandbottlefeeding.com, or maybe even at your library. ~A.

Please get the book "The No Cry Sleep Solution." Help your daughter learn how to put herself to sleep without the agony of crying it out, which is hard on all of you.

Well this method can take a little while but it does work. In fact I even suggested this to another Mom with a similar problem and she personally sent me an email back saying "thank you" cause it worked like a charm. So this is the method, Instead of letting her cry it out you put her in her crib and then you just stand next to it until she falls a sleep. There can be no eye contact, or speaking. Then after a few nights of that (which i know will be tough) she will start to learn how to lay there on her own and fall asleep. So then you up her to bed and you stand at the end of her crib so you are farther away from her. Then after a few nights of that you move to the middle of her room, then right to the door and after she is used to you just standing by the door you try just leaving the room. Also once she starts learning that she has to lay there on her own to fall asleep she should start sleeping through the night. If you don't want to do all that work then I would just continue with the cry it out. My oldest daughter was hard and I had to let her cry it out. It took 2 weeks straight of her waking up at all hours of the night and crying for hours on end until she finally got over it. So good luck and remember that this will get better.

When she throws up, are you changing her without making a sound, and putting her back down? No interaction reward for it? How consistent have you been? Whatever method you decide to use, you need to be consistent with it or nothing will work.
I did the cry it out method, but he was much younger, and I don't know the differences for toddlers. Have you tried one of those attachments for pacifiers that make them easier to grab so that she might be able to do that for herself?
I would hesitate to go from method to method, as that will be confusing to your daughter. Whatever you decide on, good luck.

The absolute best sleep training book I have ever seen is Richard Ferber's "Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems." It is a life saver! It usually just takes a week or two and works like a charm! It involves some crying, but it is interrupted by visits from mom or dad at increasing intervals. It teaches your child that you are always there for them, so they don't feel like they have to stay awake to make sure you're there. They know they can make you come back, but at some point they realize that it's not worth crying to make it happen because you never pick them up; they don't get much out of it but security. Each night your child will give up earlier and earlier & will learn to self-soothe. It took our child under a week & she was going to sleep by herself with no crying when we put her in her crib. She's been a great sleeper ever since! I highly recommend the book as it gives a ton of detail, but if you want the Reader's Digest version of how to do it, message me. Sweet dreams!

You must get "The No Cry Sleep Solution" - it will help you develop a schedule and teach your child to go to bed. I am a big believer that you must "parent your child to sleep" and studies have shown that crying it out is actually very high anxiety causing for children. This book will help you ease your child into sleeping on her own.

I have a very difficult sleeper (he is now 6, and is still challenging to get to bed.) At eighteen months it was a two hour process to get him to go to bed. I was primary bed time person (my husband worked swing shift) and it was a great challenge. With this method (you develop a schedule, and teach your child to gently move into sleep time, it changed our lives. However, we are completely routine, and our children go to bed early, our four year old at 630pm and our 6 year old at 730, as we have learned, they are tired and love to go to bed on time.

I hope this helps you. Remember, this will pass, and you will be on the other side of this. As will all things with children, as soon as you figure this one out, something will change. best luck to you!

Hi M. A,

I feel compelled to respond to your post - babies cry when they need something (comfort, help falling asleep, soothing, etc.), they are not manipulative. Even negative behaviour gets attention. When a baby's need is not being met, she will let you know with crying - when that is ignored, she must try something else to get your attention, ie. puking. I have a 13 month old daughter and she usually takes a few tries to get down, however I never let her cry as it causes insecurity and who really knows the long term effects on her well being and self confidence. But if you put yourself in her shoes and think of yourself trying to let your carer know that you are in pain, sad, needing comfort, hungry, whatever and you cried out and no one came to you, how would you feel? Probablly sad, frustrated and hurt. It is a basic human need that babies have to be held, cuddled and kept close to mum.
Babies can take up to 3-4 years to regulate sleep patterns. Many people have unfair expectations on babies sleeping (should be sleeping through the night by 6 months), this is completely false. Babies can certainly be "trained" to sleep the way parents want them to, however is this a healthy way? Sure the parents can rest well, but what has the suffering caused to that baby? Remember she is constantly learning about the world around her and how you respond to her needs is what will make her secure.
Teething is a huge issue and disrupts sleeping patterns, they seem to go through waves of irritable nights.
I know how hard it can be when dealing with getting a child to sleep, however I constantly remind myself where she is at developmentally and that I am her lifeline and the one person she trusts the most to fulfill her needs.
Here is an article from the Australian Association for Infant Mental Health and it's recommendations. I know you are in the states but babies are the same all over the world! http://www.aaimhi.org/documents/position%20papers/control...
You are a good Mum and you are doing a fantastic job, remember that presence and parience are the most important (and can be the most difficult) parts of parenting.
Another useful site is http://www.naturalparentingtips.com/

I wish you all the best.
J.
Doula, Breastfeeding Counsellor & Student Midwife

If she'll cry for 2 hours then maybe cry it out won't work for her. And, I think you have the wrong idea of what cry it out means -- it doesn't mean abandoning your child all alone in her room. It is about her learning to soothe herself back to sleep. As for the puking, she has learned that you won't respond to tears and screaming but you will at least give her a bit of attention if she pukes on herself. Get the book "No Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley. It is a much gentler way of teaching your child the skills she needs to get back to sleep on her own. It's harder when you start teaching self-soothing at this age (which is when I did with my son) but it can be done and it is very rewarding (by 2 1/2 he slept through the night and went to sleep on his own after I tucked him in). My daughter just needs me to sit by her for about 5 mins after tucking her in before she is out -- and she sleeps through the night (19 mos).
I know how desperate you are to get a good night's sleep, but don't abandon your child with the hope that she can teach herself how to go back to sleep. Good luck!

Some kids do puke when they get really worked up. It's not necessarily that she is trying to get attention (though that's definitely a payoff and the increased attention can increase the behavior). At 14 months her brain is going through a lot of changes. Separation anxiety rears its head about now. It has nothing to do with how much time you do spend together. She has more of a concept now that mommy's somewhere that is not with her.

Since she is getting so upset that she vomits, I would go to her right away (rather than waiting till she pukes). Put her back in her crib, talk gently to her and maybe rub her back lightly for a minute. I used to stroke my children's hair a bit, and I later saw them playing with their hair as a self-soother, so something like that might work. After a mintue or two, leave the room. After a couple nights of this, let dad take turns. If he does the same thing you do, she should learn accept him.

Hang in there for a bit longer. Most kids go through night wakings at this age, even if they slept through the night before. Their brain is developing in new ways and they are adjusting to that. Try taking a short (20-30 minute) nap while she is down for her nap - that can help you feel refreshed and still give you time for other things while she sleeps.

Sorry to hear how frustrated and tired you are - remember 1, you aren't alone, and 2, it will get better.

Every child is different. My thoughts are to 1 - not give her milk in bed (not good for her teeth). 2 - progressively teach her to soothe herself. Since crying it out cold turkey makes her sick (self imposed or not), take it in steps. You can just sit there - no words or touching while she cries. You can leave the room, but come back and put her down every 10-15 minutes. Also make sure you have a routine each night so she knows it's coming. Keep trying different things until you get some progress. Good luck and take it one night at a time!

Unfortunately, retraining might take a while at this point. But it is so worth it. Obviously you have to take care of the puking, and like it has been said kids do this sometimes when they get really worked up. Take care of it. Then calm her and put her to bed again, by herself. Eventually she will get the idea, but you might not get a lot of sleep while you are training her.
I would suggest letting her have something she can comfort herself with, like her binky or maybe even a stuffed toy (I know, suffocating hazard but you can take it out when she is asleep), or if she has a favorite blanket. This might help her transition from having to have you comfort her to being able to comfort herself. My daughter found her finger (her pointer finger:) and sucks on that.
Good luck. It takes a lot of patience and consistency, but she'll get it and her crying bouts should get shorter and shorter after a while.