Coping Strategies W/ "Ocd-like" Toddler

I don't think it's "OCD-like"--I think it's preschooler-like! lol I would just try to talk through it more. She wants to be independent and in control (things you will appreciate when she is a grown woman). If she wants to dress herself, I'd just say, "Okay. You get dressed while I put the stuff we need by the door. If you still need help when I get back, I'll help you dress." Then she has a chance to do it on her own, but there is a built-in time limit. I try to save my battles for things that really matter, so I'd just ask her if she wants hair or teeth done first. I think it'll fade faster if she feels like she has choice. For us, this faded by five. :)

Sounds a lot like my 3 year old DD right now! Some things that have helped us:

1. Make it a "beat the clock" game - it's amazing how fast DD will get her toys picked up if I challenge her to be done by the time I count to 10.

2. Ask her what she wants, but give limited choices. Sometimes DD wants to brush teeth before bedtime stories, sometimes after - I just ask her what she wants to do first. If you know she is going to pull something like this, just ask her first how she wants to do it.

3. Sometimes if DD is not doing what I ask her to do, again I give her 2 choices - she can do it or Mommy can do it. Sometimes I warn her if she is taking too long, than Mommy will need to step in (she wants to do so many things herself that having Mommy do it for her usually effective). And sometimes I just tell her that "this is a Mommy job" and that's that. She gets mad about it but I can't prevent every melt-down and I just remember that I am the parent and I need to be in charge.

Hope this helps - she sounds like a typical preschooler to me who just wants some control over the things in her life.

I totally get your "OCD-like" description! My dd is now 16 and was like that. At the age of 2 1/2 she one day decided she would only wear dresses...and did until she was almost 6. Exclusively wore dresses..not ONCE wore pants or leggings.

I also work with children and have for over 20 years (currently in home childcare for 13 years). Its like "norm" behavior gone extreme. One thing that can be a great tool with this age are picture charts/rubrics.

Do one of HER. Make her a total part of this process, so she has control. Explain to her that you are using the pictures to make a chart(recipe) of the order she will be doing this for tomorrow. Perhaps you need to make it so the pieces can be moved...she may want more control to change the order a bit for the next day? Just a thought.

Take snapshots of her doing the things she needs to do in the morning (brushing her teeth, pants on, shoes on, socks on...all of the pieces broken down if thats how particular she is). Then have her help you put them in the order she will do them the next day (maybe start this on a Friday night so the first 2 days are weekends so trial days, but have it set up so you are leaving the house to go somewhere each of those days...an errand or church or visiting Grandma, etc). Keep reminding her that she is agreeing to this for tomorrow morning and that will be the order she does things for that day, etc.

If you can get her to agree and follow thru one day at a time..just one day, and she can make some changes for the next one if she wants by sitting down for a few minutes each evening and adjusting it...hopefully, eventually she will settle into a pattern that works for her. And you can say to her, whats next in order? And she will see pictures of herself doing the things.

The other lessons in this are identifying with her own self in the pics, sequencing (which is early math!), and problem solving, eventually, if she actually gets into and makes it work...by choosing the order of things (like putting shoes on needs to go after socks on, etc). But getting her to get into the swing of it is the first huge hurdles. My experience says children like yours (and mine certainly was!) like control....and they have so very little in their young lives....so they discover where they can attain it.

I agree with Lisa. Rather than "OCD-like" this is more "four-year-old-girl- like"! Girls are very different than boys, and four is really hard. She wants to feel in control and it sounds like you're falling right into her trap! Stay strong, this too shall pass.

I had a very opinionated toddler. Choices only went a small way. I came up with a lot of other tools as well. For example, I would start to put on his shirt. His territorial instincts came out and HE wanted HIS shirt. "HA mom! It's MINE now. " Or I would put his shirt on wrong, or put it on a doll. He would "correct me", triumphantly beaming that he was smarter. I would race him with my getting dressed. ... sometimes none of it worked, so I put him in the car as is and dressed him in the parking lot. A little hassle, but much easier because he was ready - maybe the new environment, maybe the drive cleared his head. Dunno.

I also kept reminding myself to check if it really mattered. I am used to a certain order, or eating cereal in a bowl, but that doesn't mean that it's the only way to do it. Keep repeating to yourself "the goal is to get ready on time. Is this something that gets us there? Can it be?" If it doesn't matter, drop it - no matter how odd it is. It will be forgotten over time anyway.

Another thing about getting ready - sometimes I had to be out really fast. I would get myself completely ready. Get the car completely packed. Get the clothes and morning things completely ready. *then* get the little squirt up.

You may find that a few minutes of morning snuggles or a morning story - some form of concentrated attention that fills her cup up - helps the rest of the morning go faster.

One last tip is that I had an "emergency bag" ready. It had car food & drink, clothes and such so I could grab that and go from there.

update: One other thing I thought of. Sometime during the day when she's in a good mood. Sit her down with pencil and paper. Explain the problem and write it down in one sentence on the paper. Have her and you come up with ideas for solutions. Write them down. Pick an answer. Draw a box and write the answer. You sign it. She signs it. Even though she doesn't read and write, the written word is magic and helps the agreement to be more meaningful.

If for some reason it doesn't work, go back to the agreement, assess what went wrong, look at the ideas and come up with another plan. At the least, you are showing her the basics of problem solving and also of persistence.

My little boy is four and he is exactly the same way. Every task at times would feel like a battle. A great book to take a look at (tip - get it out of your local library for free) is Love and Logic. This book gave me great ideas for my little one and the battles have decreased a lot!
Love and Logic
http://www.amazon.com/Love-Logic-Magic-Early-Childhood/dp...

Another great series of books are from Louise Bates Ames, they go by age and they are an easy read on what to expect from your 4 year old
http://www.amazon.com/Your-Four-Year-Old-Louise-Bates-Ame...

A great strategy that worked well for me and my son has been Teacher Talk, to learn more about how Teacher Talk helped my relationship with my 4 year old see the article below
http://www.ittakesavillagedallas.com/It_takes_a_village/O...

The Choice Game - this is from Love and Logic, you give your child lots of choices all throughout the day. It gives them a sense of empowerment. The trick, the choices all work for you. "Do you want to brush your teeth first or go potty", "do you want to put on your shirt first or your pants", "do you want to put on your PJ's by yourself, or do you want mommy to help you".

Good Luck!
Village Mom
www.ittakesavillagedallas.com

I agree, not ocd-like... typical preschooler behavior.

When my sons act out like this (it's almost always the same thing, brushing teeth/hair/getting dresses) we have to have a big time out. I give a time limit as well... "if you aren't dressed in 5 minutes, then you lose your toy for the day".

Also, the choirboy ting is great, "you can wear this shirt, or this shirt today. You choose which you want to wear."

This is one reason why I get the kids ready about an hour before i have to actually leave, so they will have time to calm down after getting dressed and I won't be in a crazy rush out the door.

Dr. Sears has a very informative post on "dressing battles"
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T063900.asp#T062700

Hi L.,

Sometimes choices are good, and sometimes you have to decide for her. If time is an issue, then you decide for her. If it is truly OCD (I have OCD), it is a control thing. She has the need to be independent and in control. At this age, she is also experimenting with boundaries. (I have a 2.5 year old whose favorite line right now is 'I wanna do it myself' and then her attention span takes her elsewhere)

I would try setting things up the night before, clothes etc. Or, what my daughter likes to do is copy me. If I am brushing my teeth, she brushes her teeth, by herself. When I get dressed, she gets dressed. Give her choices like others said - get dressed or go to time out - she decides. That will only work though if you normally use time out.

I think she knows that she will be apart from you and procrastinates getting ready so she has more time with you. Maybe try getting up a little earlier, getting ready, then if she gets ready quickly, you have 15 minutes to play together before you leave - reading, puzzle, whatever her fav thing is...

I know with my toddler, the more I rush her, the slower she seems to move. Give yourself some extra time, and good luck,
L.

I haven't read the other answers.
So what I'm about to say may already have been said.
She doesn't want you to go to work.
She wants you to stay with her.
So . . . . the problem isn't her behavior, it's the reason behind her behavior.
About her behavior . . . one way to deal with it is to carry her to the car
in whatever state of dress or undress she is in when it's time to go.
Keep 2-3 extra outfits on-hand in the car so that when you drop her off
at preschool or daycare, you can leave something with her to wear there.
Good luck.

Have you tried using a visual chore chart? There are different ones in educational supply stores and they include graphics for brushing teeth, washing up/bath, dress, shoes, hair. She could put a check or sticker star on the things she gets done. If she is ready and at the door before the timer goes off she's the winner and gets a big hug from mommy. If she's not ready, Mommy or Daddy have to help her until she proves she's a big girl. If she's ready to do battle over this, she has earned a ______ (you fill in the blank for how you and Dad handle discipline.) Once she understands the rules, you will have to be consistent. It might take a month, but if you're consistent, that should help. If that doesn't work, she truly might have some OCD-thing going on and you would have to address that with her pediatrician. Keep a journal in case you're noticing some other quirks. If it's just in getting dressed in am, that's not OCD. If that was just an example and there are others, you'll need to show your dr. a history. If it is OCD, stay patient, you might have to stop and take some breaths before implementing any form of punishment so that you can be calm and teach her the behavior she is supposed to show. Special needs children are interesting, but you can still parent them without losing your mind. Just takes more patience, more energy, and more -- everything.

I don't have any specific suggestions that aren't here or that you haven't already thought of, probably, but here's something I learned a while back that helps me get in a better mindset for solving problems: instead of thinking about "how can I change this kid's behavior", start thinking about "if she does X, how will I respond?" And then go down the list. It's a little mental trick that keeps you from focusing on how to change someone else's behavior, which is almost always very frustrating if not impossible, and helps you figure out your OWN response. It gives you more of a feeling of control, and it basically changes the rules of the game for the other party--and then, who knows? They may just change their behavior in response to YOUR changed behavior. Just a thought to throw out there.

LOL, sounds like a strong-willed four year old. Toddlers are pretty OCD-like -- the difference is how much they'll fight for their preferences. I don't really have any magic bullet, except that you get through it and they grow up a bit -- this too will pass, in other words.

I agree--not OCD (I'm sure you were just using that as a descriptive term--not a Dx!) Typical power struggles during gaining independence.
Have you tried making her a little chart (Xerox some copies, O. for every day) with her tasks--a toothbrush, a hairbrush, pants, shirt, socks, shoes, food--for the morning and then let her check them off as she goes along? That might help her stay focused?

This worked for us: We chose everything, I mean everything we would need for the morning the night before (which underwear, which shoes, which jacket, etc. then together we made a list of what order it would be done in during our morning process. In our house it was a sense of having control over something mixed with fatigue and blood sugar issues. We had to make sure she had had enough sleep, had breakfast and that we followed the list SHE got to create the night before. This gave her a sense of "I do it myself my way" and just getting through the process. I'm not sure if it is OCD or a young person transitioning from toddler to child exerting independence and not understanding a sense of time and productivity in a professional sense. To her she is being productive, she is getting herself dressed and ready to go, in her own toddler time. Teaching her how to get through these challenges and the solutions are the foundations of your relationship and her problem solving skills for her lifetime. Good Luck

Just curious, what about this did you think was OCD? Is there anything more, or is it just that she seems to have an idea of how things are supposed to be?

It kind of sounds to me like she is having some trouble sequencing things by herself. Try this. Instead of provoking a stand off, change how you get ready in the morning all together. Get her out of bed with a glass of juice to be sure that her blood sugar is not the issue, and then give her the clothing. Ask her where she wants to start. If she wants to do the pants first, fine. Give her the instructions, one small peiece at a time. Stand up, grab your pajama bottom, pull them down, step out with one foot, step out with the other foot, put the bottoms in the hamper. Do you want to put your pants on or take your top off? Then, go through each step, the smaller the step, the better. This may take you all of 5 minutes, but if she is not ready to be doing a global task alone, it will work.

If the issue is that she is just slow in the morning, you could let her shower or bathe the night before, then dress her for the next day, and let her sleep in the clothes. I have one that does that, and while it is not ideal, it certainly works for her, and there are no more arguments in the morning, nor lateness. You do what you have to do. Incedentally, we don't have as much laundry since she quit wearing PJ's too...

M.

take her out in pj's-

The things that have been the most successful for us are:
1) getting up earlier
2) making her make her own chart. Instead of saying, "brush your teeth," I ask, "what are you going to do next on your chart?" You could print and cut out words for her to glue, take snapshots (I like that idea someone had), and/or have her draw pictures. The point is, YOU are not telling her what to do. She is. When she does something without reminding her, ask her, "Who told you to do that? You told yourself? Oh, I guess you are getting old enough to be that responsible." It wouldn't take much more work to put up another chart next to it to add stickers to for extra self-motivation, or use a dry-erase board that she can use to check off her tasks.
3) breaking down each thing to make it her own. She has a special chair now that she chose as her special chair to brush her hair. We sing a "hair-brushing song." She has a different special area for getting dressed. We still need to work on getting socks our daughter actually likes (this is much harder than it needs to be for us!) and shoes that she can put on without any help (why do only shoes with laces fit this girl? argh).
4) finding the right motivational speech. Options include reverse psychology, "In our house, we take as LONG as we can to brush our teeth. So, daughter, please make sure you read 500 books before you brush, OK?" (This option works for us. She finds it a great game to correct me!) Giving choices is also good, and can include "Do you want to brush your hair or brush your teeth?" or "Do you want to brush your hair now or in one minute?" Racing a timer or racing me for getting dressed don't work for us, because she gets all panicky, but it might work for some. Using a song as a cue works sometimes because it gets stuck in her head and she remembers better. "I wonder where my underwear is" is our sing-song cue for getting dressed. If nothing is working, I resort to counting to 5. She HATES this, so sometimes I forget to use it, but it always works. If I count to 5 and she does not hop to it, she loses the privilege of doing it. After one final warning and still no response, I put her toothbrush out of reach (for about 10 seconds before she panics and begs to brush her teeth). Use the same for hairbrush, clothes she has chosen to wear, etc. Oh, and here is another motivational tactic that I STILL forget and always feel like a newbie parent when I do -- remind her of all the EXCITING things she will get to do when she gets to school (and beef it up with parental envy). Or, find a special privilege of something she can do in the car on the way there -- a special car toy or necklace or snack or something that is only a car privilege.

I have almost posted the same cry for help before! How old are children before you can simply ask them to get ready and they will listen without procrastinating? Why do I feel like the answer is adulthood? Sigh.

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